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You are here: HomeJokesChristmas Jokes

Christmas Jokes

Redneck or not?
Check the redneck attributes!

1. Pocket knife doubles as a toothpick.
2. The rear tires on the car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
3. Dom Perignon is considered as a mafia leader.
4. Volvo is considered as part of a woman's anatomy.
5. Jack Daniel's makes the list of "Most admired people".
6. Won't stop at a rest area if have an empty beer bottle in the car.
7. House doesn't have curtains, but truck does.
8. Flowers planted in the bathroom, appliance in front yard.
9. Christmas shopping for mom, sister and girlfriend - only need to buy one gift.
10.Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because ran out of ketchup.
11. Have 3 cars that are immobile and a house that is mobile.
12. Belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
13. Beer bottle collection is considered a tourist attraction in home town.
14. Spent more money on pickup truck than on education.
15. The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

According to the Alaskan nature photographer, both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year.
Male reindeer drop their antlers well before Christmas, usually late November to mid December.
Female reindeer keep their antlers until they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Dancer had to be a female.

We should have known from the beginning! Not only because of this difference between male and female reindeer.
Only women would be able to make a fat man wear a red velvet suit and get all around the world in one night, and NOT get lost.
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

One snowy evening before Christmas in an elegant pub a reindeer showed up. He walked to the counter and ordered a whiskey.
The bartender poured the drink without batting an eye. The reindeer payed him with a the twenty-dollar bill.
As the bartender gave the reindeer some coins in change, he said casually, 'You know, I think you are the first reindeer I have ever seen in this pub.'
The reindeer looked hard at the change and replied, 'Hmmm... You know buddy, at these prices, I am the last reindeer you will see in this pub.'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A husband is a man who buys his football tickets five months in advance but waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Tina was the world's best when it came to mixing up instructions. When she got her first smart coffee maker as a Christmas present, she was very happy, because as a coffee lover she couldn't imagine a day without a hot cup.
Aunt Regina carefully explained how the smart coffee maker worked, she went into details from the plugging in to the fresh coffee sipping.
'Hon, you simply set the timer, go back to bed, and upon getting up, your coffee is ready and hot,' she explained.
A few weeks later Tina met with aunt Regina.
'How do you like the smart coffee maker, Tina?' the aunt asked.
'It is fantastic! However, there's one thing that I don't quite understand. Why on earth do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a cup of coffee?'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

On our Christmas dinner my best friend asked my grandson when he would turn 5.
He replied, 'When I am tired of being 4.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The night before Christmas the family went early to sleep. They were suddenly awakened by an explosion in the middle of the night. They ran outside and saw the outside toilet in a million pieces, with Santa Claus in the middle. He was shaking his fist at Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer: 'You silly reindeer of mine! I said the SCHMIDT house!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

You know you are Italian when:

1. You can bench press 300 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

2. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit 2 sandwiches, pizzelles, 3 bananas, 3 oranges into a regular lunch bag.

3. Your plumber, lawyer, electrician, mechanic, travel agent and accountant are all your cousins.

4. You have at least four cousins living in the same town or street. And all four of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

5. There are more than 25 people in your bridal party.

6. You netted more than $40,000 on your first communion.

7. Your mom's meatballs are the best.

8. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

9. Plastic on the furniture is normal.

10. Only fish on Christmas Eve.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The family farm had been mortgaged to give the daughter university education. The girl traveled home for the Christmas Holidays after the first term. Her father, Farmer Jack was greatly disturbed when she whispered, 'Daddy, I have a confession to make. I ain't a virgin no more.'
Farmer Jack shook his head sadly, 'After all the sacrifices that me and your Mum made to give you university education, you still say "ain't"!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

At wintertime, some days before Christmas, my flight was delayed due to weather conditions. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate. We were then told the new gate number, so everyone went there, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us. Finally, despite the chaos, everyone got on board.
'Dear passengers, we apologize for the inconvenience caused. Your flight was delayed due to weather conditions, but now flying is safe. Our destination is Houston, if you are not on your flight by accident, please go back to the information desk now,' announced the stewardess.
A red-faced, embarrassed pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags.
'Sorry, excuse me,' he said, 'other plane.'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 4.67 point, based on 3 ratings)

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