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Workplace Jokes

Employee: I have been here for seven years doing two men's work for one man's salary. I want a salary raise at once.
Manager: Well, I can't give you a raise. But if you will tell me who the other man is, I will fire him.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

'Is there any reason you could not serve as a juryman in this case?'
'I do not want to be away from my job that long.'
'Can they operate without your work?'
'Yes, but I do not want them to know it.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The manager of a superstore checked on his new employee's sales skills.
'How many customers did you help today?' he asked.
'Only one,' replied the new salesman.
'Only one?' repeated the manager. 'I honestly thought you have the required sales skills. Tell me, how much was your sale?'
'$70,628,' he replied.
The manager was stunned and wanted an explanation.
'I sold a man a fishhook,' the salesman started. 'Then I sold him a reel and a rod. After that I asked where he was planning to fish. He said at the big lake nearby. So I suggested he'd need a boat, so he bought that modern wooden one. But after he said his car is to small to pull it, so I took him to the other department and sold him a bigger one, a SUV.'
The manager was amazed by the new employee's sales skills.
'You sold all that stuff to a guy who came in for a fishhook?'
'No,' the new salesman said, 'he actually came in for a box of aspirin for his wife's headache. But I told him: "Hey, this is your weekend's shot. You should go fishing!"
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

Quotes from employee performance evaluations:

"This employee should go far. Honesty, the sooner he starts, the better for us."
"This employee sets low personal standards. Then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This intern has delusions of adequacy."
"Since the mid-year report, this colleague has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"Her team would follow her anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Three little girls were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some help to go around the town and sell Bibles. So the preacher hired two girls without even thinking twice. He was hesitant about hiring the third girl. She suffered from speech and language disorder. But finally his heart fell on her, and hired her, too. Two weeks later they all met at the church.
'How many Bibles did you sell?' he asked the first girl.
'I sold 14,' she replied.
He looked at the second girl and asked her the same question.
'I sold 28!' she replied.
The preacher was satisfied. Finally he asked the third girl, who suffered from speech and language disorder.
'I-I-I-I s-s-o-o-ld 103!'
The preacher was amazed and asked, 'How could you sell that many Bibles?'
'I-I-I-I t-t-o-o-ld them-m to b-buy them-m or I-I will r-r-read it to them-m.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A new designer furniture store had a grand opening event and one friend of the owner wanted to send flowers for the occasion. The big bouquet arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card: "Rest in Peace."
The owner was so furious that she immediately called the florist to complain.
'Madam, I am really sorry for the mistake, we did not want to ruin your grand opening event,' the florist answered, 'but rather than getting angry, please imagine this: today, at a funeral there are flowers with a note saying: "Congrats on your new location!"
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The FBI wanted to hire new agents. Three people came to the trial day, two guys and a girl.
'When you go into that room over there, you will see your wife or husband tied up in a chair. To get this job, you have to take this gun, and shoot them,' instructed the FBI agent.
The first guy took the gun, and went into the room. He saw his wife tied up in a chair. There was a long silence, and the guy walked out and said, 'I couldn't do it.'
The FBI agent untied the wife, and said, 'Sorry, you didn't get the job.'
The next guy went into the room and saw his wife sitting there, all tied up. He also could not shoot his wife. So the FBI agent told him, 'Sorry, you didn't get the job.'
Finally, the girl went into the room with a gun. For at least 10 minutes there was a lot of noise.
The girl came out of the room and said, 'You didn't tell me the gun was full of blanks! I had to beat my husband to death with the chair!'
The FBI agent said, 'Uuuhhh... You are hired!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

What can I say, when my boss catches me sleeping at my desk?

1. 'Oh, they told me at the blood bank this might happen.'
2. 'This is one of the five habits of highly effective people.'
3. 'This is the 10-minute power-nap. The trainer raved about in the latest management course you sent me to.'
4. 'Someone must have put decaf in the wrong mug.'
5. 'I was not sleeping at my desk, I was meditating on the company's mission statement!'
6. 'I'm currently doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan". They taught it at the latest mandatory seminar.'
7. 'Hey, why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out the perfect solution to our biggest problem.'
8. 'Boss, I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.'
9. 'I was not sleeping at my desk. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using hands.'
9+1. 'Amen.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A conductor was having serious problems with the one female drummer in his band. He talked and talked and talked to her, but the female drummer's performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole band, he said in anger, 'When a musician just cannot handle the instrument and doesn't improve when help given, the instrument is taken and two sticks are given - to be drummer.'
A whisper was heard from the percussion section, 'And if the one cannot handle even that, they take away one of the sticks and make him a conductor.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Work - It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
Succeed in spite of management.
If you can read this, you are not working.
If you do a good job and work hard, you might get a new job at a better company someday.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid now.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those who opposed them.
Well, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
Hang in there, retirement is only twenty years away!
If you think we are a bad company, you should see our rivals.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Three days without human rights violation!
The person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.
Never quit until you have another job.
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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