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Workplace Jokes

A man walked into an ice cream shop.
'Hello, I'd like some chocolate ice cream.'
The scooper replied, 'I really am sorry sir, but we're out of chocolate. Wouldn't you like something else?'
'Sure, I'd like some chocolate ice cream,' he said.
'I am sorry, but we don't have that. Would you like to try a different flavor maybe?' asked the scooper.
'Okay. I'd like some chocolate ice cream.'
'We do not have that. Maybe a different kind of ice cream?'
'I want some chocolate ice cream.'
'Look, sir, can you spell the "van" in vanilla?'
'V-A-N,' spelled the man.
'Could you spell the "straw" in strawberry?' continued the scooper.
'S-T-R-A-W.'
'And can you spell the "freak" in chocolate?
'But there is no "freak" in chocolate!'
'Finally, that is exactly what I've been trying to tell you!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

What can I say, when my boss catches me sleeping at my desk?

1. 'Oh, they told me at the blood bank this might happen.'
2. 'This is one of the five habits of highly effective people.'
3. 'This is the 10-minute power-nap. The trainer raved about in the latest management course you sent me to.'
4. 'Someone must have put decaf in the wrong mug.'
5. 'I was not sleeping at my desk, I was meditating on the company's mission statement!'
6. 'I'm currently doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan". They taught it at the latest mandatory seminar.'
7. 'Hey, why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out the perfect solution to our biggest problem.'
8. 'Boss, I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.'
9. 'I was not sleeping at my desk. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using hands.'
9+1. 'Amen.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

'Ted, tell me, how do you like your new job?' a man asked his friend.
'That is the worst job ever!' the friend replied.
'Oh, how long have you been there?'
'About four months.'
'Hey, if that is the worst job ever, why don't you quit?'
'No way, I will not quit! This is the first time in 30 years I've looked forward to going home!'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

1. The boss makes the rules, always.
2. The rules are subject to change without prior notification at any time.
3. No employee can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the boss suspects the employee knows all the rules, the boss must immediately change a few, or all of the rules.
5. The boss is never wrong.
6. If the boss is wrong, it is because of scandalous misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the employee said or did wrong.
7. If rule 6 applies, the employee must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. At any time the boss has every right to be upset or angry.
9. The employee must be calm at all times, unless the boss wants him or her to change the mood.
10. The boss must under no circumstances let the employees know whether or not he wants them to be upset or angry.
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

An engineer was looking for a new job for better salary. He was sure he'd have no trouble finding a new position, because there was several engineer job advertisements in the area. He e-mailed cover letters to all the potential employers and attached his CV to each one. Two weeks later, he was dismayed. He had not received even one request for a job interview. Finally he received a message from an employer. It explained a lot:
"Your CV was not attached as stated. However thank you for the list of the boats on sale."
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

'Is there any reason you could not serve as a juryman in this case?'
'I do not want to be away from my job that long.'
'Can they operate without your work?'
'Yes, but I do not want them to know it.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Q: How do you know that you are talking to an undertaker?
A: You know it by the grave manner.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Ingrid was being interviewed for a job. She could be a maid at the house of the wealthy Abramskis.
'Do you have any religious views?' asked Mrs. Abramski.
Ingrid replied, 'No, but I have some really nice pictures of Sweden.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The finance department's manager was in an inconvenient situation. He had to get rid of one of his best team members. He managed to narrow it down to two people. Mira or Jack. They were both equally qualified and both did accurate work. In his misery he finally decided that in the morning whoever used the coffee machine first would have to leave.
Mira came in the next morning, hungover like never before after partying all night at the club. She went straight to the coffee machine to fill a big mug. The manager approached her and said, 'Mira, I have never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
Mira replied, 'Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Q: What is the name of the underwater spy?
A: James Pond.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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