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Workplace Jokes

Q: What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
A: DUG
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

Did you hear the news?
A 747 recently has crashed in a cemetery in Poland, and the Polish officials have found 1500 bodies so far.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Employee: I have been here for seven years doing two men's work for one man's salary. I want a salary raise at once.
Manager: Well, I can't give you a raise. But if you will tell me who the other man is, I will fire him.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Q: How can I have my family history traced, if I can't afford it?
A: Run for public office.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Bobby and Toby runs a gardening supplies store. They decide to have a huge sale. Within half a day, everything is sold from the store. Then Bobby says to Toby, 'Well, what should we do now? We have sold everything.'
'Don't worry Bobby, there is this Mexican gardener who comes in here everyday to buy cheap stuff. We will laugh at him.'
Sure enough, about 20 minutes later, the Mexican gardener enters the gardening supplies store, looking around.
'Hola, what have you for sale today?'
'Well we are having a sale on assholes!' replied Toby.
'Well, apparently you are doing a great job, only two left!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A foreman sent out two groups of workers to put up telephone poles along a new highway. He asked them to report about the phone pole installation at the end of the day. The groups were gone all day and returned at sunset. The foreman asked the leaders how many poles they had installed.
The first reply was twelve. The foreman smiled and said, 'Not bad, not bad.'
The second reply was three. The foreman astonished, 'Three! Is that all day long?! The other group installed twelve!'
'Yes,' the leader answered, 'but you should have seen how much they left sticking out!'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

Hugo the hunter went to a zoo to apply for a job. The boss decided to set a test for Hugo hoping he wouldn't be able to answer his questions so he'd be able to refuse Hugo's application. The boss hated Hugo the hunter, and he wanted to avoid an argument.
'Hello Hugo! You have to answer some questions. If you do not know the answer, I have to refuse your job application. First question, without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'That is easy,' replied Hugo and drew three trees.
The boss asked, 'What on earth is that?'
Hugo the hunter replied, 'Tree and tree and tree makes nine.'
'Not bad,' said the boss. 'Second question, same rule, but represent 99.'
Hugo stared into space for a minute, then made a smudge on each tree.
'Here it is, sir.'
The boss scratched his forehead and asked, 'How do you think that it represents 99?'
Hugo replied, 'Each tree is dirty now. See? Dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree makes 99.'
The boss was getting worried about hiring Hugo the hunter so went on, 'Okay. Third question, same rule, but represent the number 100.'
Hugo stared into space again, then he exclaimed, 'I got it!'
He made a little mark at the base of each tree and said, 'Here it is, number 100!'
The boss looked at Hugo, and said, 'Hugo, Hugo, you must be crazy if you think that represents 100.'
Hugo the hunter leaned forward and pointed to the little marks at the tree bases and said, 'A little kitty comes along and craps by each tree, so now you have dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an 'a turd, which makes exactly 100. When do I start my job?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The manager of a superstore checked on his new employee's sales skills.
'How many customers did you help today?' he asked.
'Only one,' replied the new salesman.
'Only one?' repeated the manager. 'I honestly thought you have the required sales skills. Tell me, how much was your sale?'
'$70,628,' he replied.
The manager was stunned and wanted an explanation.
'I sold a man a fishhook,' the salesman started. 'Then I sold him a reel and a rod. After that I asked where he was planning to fish. He said at the big lake nearby. So I suggested he'd need a boat, so he bought that modern wooden one. But after he said his car is to small to pull it, so I took him to the other department and sold him a bigger one, a SUV.'
The manager was amazed by the new employee's sales skills.
'You sold all that stuff to a guy who came in for a fishhook?'
'No,' the new salesman said, 'he actually came in for a box of aspirin for his wife's headache. But I told him: "Hey, this is your weekend's shot. You should go fishing!"
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

An elderly lady was sitting in the violin section, fumbling for notes in a difficult key signature. After five minutes the furious conductor hit her on the head with his music stand. The poor elderly lady died instantly.
Not surprisingly, the is furious conductor was convicted and put on death row.
Just before he was about to be electrocuted, his last wish was six kilos of bananas. He got them, and he ate all. After, they strapped him into the chair and flipped the switch.
But he just sat there, smiling. Everybody was puzzled, but according to tradition he was freed.
Somehow he even got his old job back. He was happily conducting the orchestra when the flute player coughed.
Enraged, he lunged out with his baton, skewering the neck of the flute player, killing her.
Again, he was convicted and sent to death row. He again ate the six kilos of bananas, was strapped, but the electricity did not harm him. This time the executioner cleaned the contacts, made him sit in a bucket of water, just to see that the conductor won't die. So again, he was set free.
Amazingly he regained his job. But now it took him only one day to lose his temper and furiously beat to death a trumpet player.
The conductor was sent to death row again. He ate the bananas, again, and survived the electrocution.
At this point, the executioner could take no more, his professional pride was hurt.
Before setting the conductor free again, he asked him his secret,
'You have to tell me, what is it with the bananas?'
'Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it, I'm just a bad conductor.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Union members and their employer were negotiating about the employee sick pay entitlement. The union denied that their workers were abusing the provisions set out by their contract. Next morning in the meeting room, the company's negotiator showed a newspaper, and announced, 'This man called in sick yesterday!'
He pointed to a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had won a local swimming competition with outstanding speed. A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.
'Wow! Just think of the speed he could reach if he wasn't sick!'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

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