Workplace Jokes

The candidate is on a job interview, at the point of the salary negotiation.
The manager says, 'For a man without any experience, you are asking for an extremely high salary.'
The candidate replies, 'Well, the tasks are much harder when you don't know what you're doing!'

A foreman sent out two groups of workers to put up telephone poles along a new highway. He asked them to report about the phone pole installation at the end of the day. The groups were gone all day and returned at sunset. The foreman asked the leaders how many poles they had installed.
The first reply was twelve. The foreman smiled and said, 'Not bad, not bad.'
The second reply was three. The foreman astonished, 'Three! Is that all day long?! The other group installed twelve!'
'Yes,' the leader answered, 'but you should have seen how much they left sticking out!'

Three little girls were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some help to go around the town and sell Bibles. So the preacher hired two girls without even thinking twice. He was hesitant about hiring the third girl. She suffered from speech and language disorder. But finally his heart fell on her, and hired her, too. Two weeks later they all met at the church.
'How many Bibles did you sell?' he asked the first girl.
'I sold 14,' she replied.
He looked at the second girl and asked her the same question.
'I sold 28!' she replied.
The preacher was satisfied. Finally he asked the third girl, who suffered from speech and language disorder.
'I-I-I-I s-s-o-o-ld 103!'
The preacher was amazed and asked, 'How could you sell that many Bibles?'
'I-I-I-I t-t-o-o-ld them-m to b-buy them-m or I-I will r-r-read it to them-m.'

A photographer, who was specialized in nature photography, was asked to take some spectacular pictures of a forest fire. He was advised that a plane would wait him and would fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the meeting point. Sure enough, a small plane was waiting there. He jumped in with his special equipment and shouted, 'Let's start!'
The tense man, who was sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were up in the air. The plane was shaking.
'Fly over the east side of the fire,' said the photographer, 'and make some low-level passes.'
'Why?' asked the nervous pilot.
'Because I'm specialized in nature photography and I am willing to take close-up pictures!' yelled the photographer.
The pilot replied, 'Are you saying that you're not the flight instructor?'

Kitty was dating her friend Lotti's ex-boyfriend.
'He is the most romantic boyfriend ever! Every time he speaks to me he starts with: "Fair lady..."', said Kitty.
Lotti replied, 'Most romantic boyfriend, my eye. Honey, He used to be a bus driver.'

There was a powerful emperor who needed a new Master Samurai back in the time of the Samurai. He sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.
Only three people showed up, a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new Master Samurai.
The Chinese samurai opened a match box and a little fly appeared, which flew crazy back and forth in the room.
The samurai swung his sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground in two pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, 'That was very impressive!'
Next the emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new Master Samurai.
The Japanese samurai also opened a match box and a fly came out only to drop dead on the ground in four pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, 'That was really amazing!'
Next he had the Jewish samurai demonstrate why he should be the Master Samurai.
The Jewish samurai also opened a match box from which a fly popped out again. He swung his sword, a gust of wind filled the room, but the fly was still alive, buzzing around.
The emperor was disappointed and asked, 'Why is the fly not dead?'
The Jewish samurai smiled, 'Well, circumcision is not intended to kill.'

Walking through Chinatown, a backpacker saw a Chinese laundry with the sign: "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"
'Sigurd Kristiansen? How the hell does that name fit in here?' he wondered.
So he decided to check it out. He entered to see an elderly Chinese man behind the counter.
'How did this Chinese laundry get a name like "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"?' the backpacker asked.
The elderly Chinese replied, 'My name, I am owner.'
'Really? How did you ever get a name like Sigurd Kristiansen?'
'Many years ago when arrived at this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big Norwegian. Lady asked him: "What's your name?" He said: "Sigurd Kristiansen" Then lady asked me: "What's your name?" I said: "Seim Ting".'

Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You won't find a lower salary for so much work.
Flexible working hours: You will work long overtime hours.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Experience required: We don't know anything.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of letters and documentation.
Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
Make an investment in you future: This is a pyramid scheme or a franchise.
Much client contact: You will handle the phone and make "cold calls" on clients.
Planning and coordination: You will book the manager's travel arrangements.

An elderly lady was sitting in the violin section, fumbling for notes in a difficult key signature. After five minutes the furious conductor hit her on the head with his music stand. The poor elderly lady died instantly.
Not surprisingly, the is furious conductor was convicted and put on death row.
Just before he was about to be electrocuted, his last wish was six kilos of bananas. He got them, and he ate all. After, they strapped him into the chair and flipped the switch.
But he just sat there, smiling. Everybody was puzzled, but according to tradition he was freed.
Somehow he even got his old job back. He was happily conducting the orchestra when the flute player coughed.
Enraged, he lunged out with his baton, skewering the neck of the flute player, killing her.
Again, he was convicted and sent to death row. He again ate the six kilos of bananas, was strapped, but the electricity did not harm him. This time the executioner cleaned the contacts, made him sit in a bucket of water, just to see that the conductor won't die. So again, he was set free.
Amazingly he regained his job. But now it took him only one day to lose his temper and furiously beat to death a trumpet player.
The conductor was sent to death row again. He ate the bananas, again, and survived the electrocution.
At this point, the executioner could take no more, his professional pride was hurt.
Before setting the conductor free again, he asked him his secret,
'You have to tell me, what is it with the bananas?'
'Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it, I'm just a bad conductor.'

A guy wanted to build a career in writing. He wanted to be a great writer, whose stuff will be read by the whole world, and people will react to on a truly emotional level. He wanted a career in writing to make people wail, cry, scream, feel burning anger, howl in pain and desperation.
So now he is working for Microsoft, writing error messages.