Workplace Jokes

The manager of a superstore checked on his new employee's sales skills.
'How many customers did you help today?' he asked.
'Only one,' replied the new salesman.
'Only one?' repeated the manager. 'I honestly thought you have the required sales skills. Tell me, how much was your sale?'
'$70,628,' he replied.
The manager was stunned and wanted an explanation.
'I sold a man a fishhook,' the salesman started. 'Then I sold him a reel and a rod. After that I asked where he was planning to fish. He said at the big lake nearby. So I suggested he'd need a boat, so he bought that modern wooden one. But after he said his car is to small to pull it, so I took him to the other department and sold him a bigger one, a SUV.'
The manager was amazed by the new employee's sales skills.
'You sold all that stuff to a guy who came in for a fishhook?'
'No,' the new salesman said, 'he actually came in for a box of aspirin for his wife's headache. But I told him: "Hey, this is your weekend's shot. You should go fishing!"

A conductor was having serious problems with the one female drummer in his band. He talked and talked and talked to her, but the female drummer's performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole band, he said in anger, 'When a musician just cannot handle the instrument and doesn't improve when help given, the instrument is taken and two sticks are given - to be drummer.'
A whisper was heard from the percussion section, 'And if the one cannot handle even that, they take away one of the sticks and make him a conductor.'

Q: Where does success come before work?
A: Only in the dictionary.

Walking through Chinatown, a backpacker saw a Chinese laundry with the sign: "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"
'Sigurd Kristiansen? How the hell does that name fit in here?' he wondered.
So he decided to check it out. He entered to see an elderly Chinese man behind the counter.
'How did this Chinese laundry get a name like "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"?' the backpacker asked.
The elderly Chinese replied, 'My name, I am owner.'
'Really? How did you ever get a name like Sigurd Kristiansen?'
'Many years ago when arrived at this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big Norwegian. Lady asked him: "What's your name?" He said: "Sigurd Kristiansen" Then lady asked me: "What's your name?" I said: "Seim Ting".'

The new young worker at the construction site was bragging that he could win any competition of strength, and he is the strongest person there. He especially liked making fun of one of the older workers. After a few minutes of quibbling, one older worker had enough. 'Why don't you prove your strength instead of bragging?' he asked. 'I bet a week's salary that I can pull something in a wheelbarrow to that gray gravel hill that you will not be able to pull back.'
'Let's do it, old man!' the young worker replied.
The old man grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, 'Alright. Get in.'

A carefully managed, northern lumber company wanted to hire lumberjacks with professional skills. One day a skinny, short man showed up with his axe. The head lumberjack took one look at the short man and told him to leave.
'Give me a chance to show my lumberjack professional skills,' he insisted.
'Ok, can you see that enormous redwood over there?' asked the head lumberjack. 'Take your axe and cut it down.'
The skinny man went to the tree, and in four minutes he was back. 'I cut the tree down,' he said.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes, 'Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?'
'In the Sahara Forest,' replied the skinny man.
'You mean the Sahara Desert,' corrected the lumberjack.
The short man laughed and answered back, 'Oh you are right, that's what they call it now!'

Because it is an incentive to show up.
Because it reduces stress.
Because if someone does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
Because it leads to more honest communication.
Because it reduces complaints about low pay.
Because it eliminates vacations. People would rather come to work.
Because it helps save on heating costs in the winter.
Because it is environment friendly, encourages carpooling.
Because it increases job satisfaction. Simply, if you have a bad job you don't care.
Because it makes fellow employees look better.
Because managers hand out raises easier when they are wasted.

Each and every Monday morning for years, around 11:45 am, the phone rang on the desk of the small town's telephone operator. He always received a call from a man asking the exact time. One Monday morning the operator decided to ask why.
'I am the foreman of the local factory,' the caller explained. 'I have to blow the whistle at noon every day. So I call you to get the exact time.'
The small town's telephone operator laughed, 'That is kinda funny, we have been setting our clock by your whistle all this time.'

An accordion player was driving home from a show. He stopped at a local store for some beverages. While standing in the queue to pay, he remembered that he locked his car doors but he left the accordion on the back seat in plain view!
The accordion player rushed out only to realize that he was too late.
The back window of his car was smashed and someone had already dropped in two more accordions.

I was late for work. Again. When I arrived to my assigned parking lot, I was furious to find a car there. After finding a spot far far away, I stormed into my office. I was determined to have that ugly car towed from my assigned parking lot. However, during that morning I cooled down, and I decided to give the driver one last chance. In the afternoon I left this note on the driver's windshield:
"Do NOT take my parking space again, please. If you do it again, and your car disappears, do not say I never towed you!"