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Workplace Jokes

Never miss an opportunity. Give 100% at work.
20% Monday
22% Tuesday
18% Wednesday
30% Thursday
10% Friday
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

Kitty was dating her friend Lotti's ex-boyfriend.
'He is the most romantic boyfriend ever! Every time he speaks to me he starts with: "Fair lady..."', said Kitty.
Lotti replied, 'Most romantic boyfriend, my eye. Honey, He used to be a bus driver.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Q: What does the vampire have at ten o'clock every day?
A: Coffin break.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

An engineer was looking for a new job for better salary. He was sure he'd have no trouble finding a new position, because there was several engineer job advertisements in the area. He e-mailed cover letters to all the potential employers and attached his CV to each one. Two weeks later, he was dismayed. He had not received even one request for a job interview. Finally he received a message from an employer. It explained a lot:
"Your CV was not attached as stated. However thank you for the list of the boats on sale."
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

At a fancy restaurant a guest noticed that all of the waiters had two silver spoons in their pockets.
He asked one waiter about them, who replied, 'The most frequently dropped silverware are spoons. We keep them for quick replacement.'
A few minutes later the guest noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters' flies.
He asked another waiter about it, who replied, 'The string is for us to go to the bathroom. You know, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we do not have to stop to wash our hands.'
The guest was impressed and asked, 'Well, I see, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?'
The waiter whispered confidentially, 'Well, I don't know about the others, but I use the two silver spoons.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The finance department's manager was in an inconvenient situation. He had to get rid of one of his best team members. He managed to narrow it down to two people. Mira or Jack. They were both equally qualified and both did accurate work. In his misery he finally decided that in the morning whoever used the coffee machine first would have to leave.
Mira came in the next morning, hungover like never before after partying all night at the club. She went straight to the coffee machine to fill a big mug. The manager approached her and said, 'Mira, I have never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
Mira replied, 'Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

One day a salesman went door-to-door in a new neighborhood. He wanted to sell the ultramodern dry-wet cleaner. He knocked on a door. A woman opened it. Before she could say anything the salesman walked right in the living room and dropped a big cow pie on her carpet. Then he said, 'Madam, just to show you how good my ultramodern dry-wet cleaner works, if it cannot clean up every last piece of this big cow pie, I will eat them.'
The woman laughed and asked, 'Would you like some sugar with that?'
The salesman was puzzled and asked, 'Why do you ask?'
The woman wiped off the tears of laughter from her eyes, 'We just moved in and haven't got the electricity turned on yet.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A 100-year-old spinster died. Her priest was given a note about her personal belongings, alongside with a personal note in the woman's handwriting. There were specific instructions for her funeral.
It started: "There won't be any male pallbearers. They wouldn't take me out when I was alive. So I don't want them to take me out when I am not!"
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Walking through Chinatown, a backpacker saw a Chinese laundry with the sign: "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"
'Sigurd Kristiansen? How the hell does that name fit in here?' he wondered.
So he decided to check it out. He entered to see an elderly Chinese man behind the counter.
'How did this Chinese laundry get a name like "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"?' the backpacker asked.
The elderly Chinese replied, 'My name, I am owner.'
'Really? How did you ever get a name like Sigurd Kristiansen?'
'Many years ago when arrived at this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big Norwegian. Lady asked him: "What's your name?" He said: "Sigurd Kristiansen" Then lady asked me: "What's your name?" I said: "Seim Ting".'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The candidate is on a job interview, at the point of the salary negotiation.
The manager says, 'For a man without any experience, you are asking for an extremely high salary.'
The candidate replies, 'Well, the tasks are much harder when you don't know what you're doing!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 3 ratings)

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