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Workplace Jokes

Employee: I have been here for seven years doing two men's work for one man's salary. I want a salary raise at once.
Manager: Well, I can't give you a raise. But if you will tell me who the other man is, I will fire him.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Beware of the wrong magician, who:

- Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on
- The first and only trick is the Amazing Disappearing Absinthe
- During the trick, screams: "Pick a damn card already or I swear I'll choke you, little birthday boy!"
- His final trick is converting a six beers into "liquid gold"
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

An elderly lady was sitting in the violin section, fumbling for notes in a difficult key signature. After five minutes the furious conductor hit her on the head with his music stand. The poor elderly lady died instantly.
Not surprisingly, the is furious conductor was convicted and put on death row.
Just before he was about to be electrocuted, his last wish was six kilos of bananas. He got them, and he ate all. After, they strapped him into the chair and flipped the switch.
But he just sat there, smiling. Everybody was puzzled, but according to tradition he was freed.
Somehow he even got his old job back. He was happily conducting the orchestra when the flute player coughed.
Enraged, he lunged out with his baton, skewering the neck of the flute player, killing her.
Again, he was convicted and sent to death row. He again ate the six kilos of bananas, was strapped, but the electricity did not harm him. This time the executioner cleaned the contacts, made him sit in a bucket of water, just to see that the conductor won't die. So again, he was set free.
Amazingly he regained his job. But now it took him only one day to lose his temper and furiously beat to death a trumpet player.
The conductor was sent to death row again. He ate the bananas, again, and survived the electrocution.
At this point, the executioner could take no more, his professional pride was hurt.
Before setting the conductor free again, he asked him his secret,
'You have to tell me, what is it with the bananas?'
'Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it, I'm just a bad conductor.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A photographer, who was specialized in nature photography, was asked to take some spectacular pictures of a forest fire. He was advised that a plane would wait him and would fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the meeting point. Sure enough, a small plane was waiting there. He jumped in with his special equipment and shouted, 'Let's start!'
The tense man, who was sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were up in the air. The plane was shaking.
'Fly over the east side of the fire,' said the photographer, 'and make some low-level passes.'
'Why?' asked the nervous pilot.
'Because I'm specialized in nature photography and I am willing to take close-up pictures!' yelled the photographer.
The pilot replied, 'Are you saying that you're not the flight instructor?'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Engineering in real life:

1. The rule: "Change the data to fit the curve."

2. Interchangeable parts won't.

3. If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.

4. Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete.

5. Any device requiring service or adjustment will be the least accessible.

+1: Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Bobby and Toby runs a gardening supplies store. They decide to have a huge sale. Within half a day, everything is sold from the store. Then Bobby says to Toby, 'Well, what should we do now? We have sold everything.'
'Don't worry Bobby, there is this Mexican gardener who comes in here everyday to buy cheap stuff. We will laugh at him.'
Sure enough, about 20 minutes later, the Mexican gardener enters the gardening supplies store, looking around.
'Hola, what have you for sale today?'
'Well we are having a sale on assholes!' replied Toby.
'Well, apparently you are doing a great job, only two left!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Hugo the hunter went to a zoo to apply for a job. The boss decided to set a test for Hugo hoping he wouldn't be able to answer his questions so he'd be able to refuse Hugo's application. The boss hated Hugo the hunter, and he wanted to avoid an argument.
'Hello Hugo! You have to answer some questions. If you do not know the answer, I have to refuse your job application. First question, without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'That is easy,' replied Hugo and drew three trees.
The boss asked, 'What on earth is that?'
Hugo the hunter replied, 'Tree and tree and tree makes nine.'
'Not bad,' said the boss. 'Second question, same rule, but represent 99.'
Hugo stared into space for a minute, then made a smudge on each tree.
'Here it is, sir.'
The boss scratched his forehead and asked, 'How do you think that it represents 99?'
Hugo replied, 'Each tree is dirty now. See? Dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree makes 99.'
The boss was getting worried about hiring Hugo the hunter so went on, 'Okay. Third question, same rule, but represent the number 100.'
Hugo stared into space again, then he exclaimed, 'I got it!'
He made a little mark at the base of each tree and said, 'Here it is, number 100!'
The boss looked at Hugo, and said, 'Hugo, Hugo, you must be crazy if you think that represents 100.'
Hugo the hunter leaned forward and pointed to the little marks at the tree bases and said, 'A little kitty comes along and craps by each tree, so now you have dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an 'a turd, which makes exactly 100. When do I start my job?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

After I got off my bus, I realized that I had left my vintage yellow purse on a seat. Later I called the bus company and was relieved that the driver had found my purse.
When I went to pick it up, a few off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One of them handed me my vintage yellow purse along with a box containing the contents of my purse.
'We are required to inventory lost wallets and purses, I think you will find everything there,' he explained.
I started to put my belongings back into the purse, and the man continued, 'I hope you don't mind if we watch. We all tried, but none of us could fit everything back into your purse. We really would like to see how you do it!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A conductor was having serious problems with the one female drummer in his band. He talked and talked and talked to her, but the female drummer's performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole band, he said in anger, 'When a musician just cannot handle the instrument and doesn't improve when help given, the instrument is taken and two sticks are given - to be drummer.'
A whisper was heard from the percussion section, 'And if the one cannot handle even that, they take away one of the sticks and make him a conductor.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

The company decided to follow the trends and created a health and wellbeing program, so employees can get enough exercise by:

going around in circles,
bending the rules,
playing hide and seek,
screwing around,
dodging responsibility,
jumping to conclusions,
flying off the handle,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
pushing their luck
dragging their feet,
passing the buck,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
shooting the breeze,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
climbing the ladder,
and shuffling papers.
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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