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Workplace Jokes

Union members and their employer were negotiating about the employee sick pay entitlement. The union denied that their workers were abusing the provisions set out by their contract. Next morning in the meeting room, the company's negotiator showed a newspaper, and announced, 'This man called in sick yesterday!'
He pointed to a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had won a local swimming competition with outstanding speed. A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.
'Wow! Just think of the speed he could reach if he wasn't sick!'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

The new young worker at the construction site was bragging that he could win any competition of strength, and he is the strongest person there. He especially liked making fun of one of the older workers. After a few minutes of quibbling, one older worker had enough. 'Why don't you prove your strength instead of bragging?' he asked. 'I bet a week's salary that I can pull something in a wheelbarrow to that gray gravel hill that you will not be able to pull back.'
'Let's do it, old man!' the young worker replied.
The old man grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, 'Alright. Get in.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Q: How do you know that you are talking to an undertaker?
A: You know it by the grave manner.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Q: What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
A: DUG
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Employee: I have been here for seven years doing two men's work for one man's salary. I want a salary raise at once.
Manager: Well, I can't give you a raise. But if you will tell me who the other man is, I will fire him.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A public worker was cutting the grass near the railroad. He saw a train coming. He dropped all his tools and ran down the line. He ran as fast as he could. The next thing he knew, he was waking up in a hospital bed.
'Why didn't you just run up the grassy hill to be in safe distance?' the doctor asked him.
The public worker replied, 'What were the chances running up? I couldn't outrun it on flat land!'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

Real life performance evaluation:

Socially active: Drinks regularly.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Very creative: Finds 18 reasons to do anything except original work.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Well-informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Approaches difficult issues with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
Consults with colleagues often: Confused, indecisive, clueless.
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the neck.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Quick thinking: Offers valid excuses for errors.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

An ambitious and successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
'I love my daughter very much. I welcome you into the family,' he greeted him. 'To show you how much I care, here you are, sign a 50/50 partnership contract on my new business. You only have to go to the factory every day and learn the operations.'
'Oh, I hate factories because I can't stand that loud noise,' interrupted the son-in-law.
'I see. Fine. Then you will work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.'
'Oh, I hate office work. I just can't stand being stuck behind a desk and four walls all day.'
'Hey, I just gave you the 50/50 partnership contract of a new, prosperous business, but you don't like factories and don't want to work in a office. What am I going to do with you?'
'It is simple. Buy me out!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A guy wanted to build a career in writing. He wanted to be a great writer, whose stuff will be read by the whole world, and people will react to on a truly emotional level. He wanted a career in writing to make people wail, cry, scream, feel burning anger, howl in pain and desperation.
So now he is working for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Quotes from employee performance evaluations:

"This employee should go far. Honesty, the sooner he starts, the better for us."
"This employee sets low personal standards. Then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This intern has delusions of adequacy."
"Since the mid-year report, this colleague has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"Her team would follow her anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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  : Best
(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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