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Workplace Jokes

A new designer furniture store had a grand opening event and one friend of the owner wanted to send flowers for the occasion. The big bouquet arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card: "Rest in Peace."
The owner was so furious that she immediately called the florist to complain.
'Madam, I am really sorry for the mistake, we did not want to ruin your grand opening event,' the florist answered, 'but rather than getting angry, please imagine this: today, at a funeral there are flowers with a note saying: "Congrats on your new location!"
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'Is there any reason you could not serve as a juryman in this case?'
'I do not want to be away from my job that long.'
'Can they operate without your work?'
'Yes, but I do not want them to know it.'
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Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You won't find a lower salary for so much work.
Flexible working hours: You will work long overtime hours.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Experience required: We don't know anything.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of letters and documentation.
Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
Make an investment in you future: This is a pyramid scheme or a franchise.
Much client contact: You will handle the phone and make "cold calls" on clients.
Planning and coordination: You will book the manager's travel arrangements.
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Before going on holiday, I made up my mind and decided to cut my long, curly hair to a very short, holiday hair style, and even shaved on one side. On my first day back at work, I passed my boss on the corridor.
'Did you miss me?' I asked.
'Did I miss you..?' he echoed. 'Who are you?'
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A guy wanted to build a career in writing. He wanted to be a great writer, whose stuff will be read by the whole world, and people will react to on a truly emotional level. He wanted a career in writing to make people wail, cry, scream, feel burning anger, howl in pain and desperation.
So now he is working for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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A public worker was cutting the grass near the railroad. He saw a train coming. He dropped all his tools and ran down the line. He ran as fast as he could. The next thing he knew, he was waking up in a hospital bed.
'Why didn't you just run up the grassy hill to be in safe distance?' the doctor asked him.
The public worker replied, 'What were the chances running up? I couldn't outrun it on flat land!'
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Each and every Monday morning for years, around 11:45 am, the phone rang on the desk of the small town's telephone operator. He always received a call from a man asking the exact time. One Monday morning the operator decided to ask why.
'I am the foreman of the local factory,' the caller explained. 'I have to blow the whistle at noon every day. So I call you to get the exact time.'
The small town's telephone operator laughed, 'That is kinda funny, we have been setting our clock by your whistle all this time.'
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Q: What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
A: DUG
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What can I say, when my boss catches me sleeping at my desk?

1. 'Oh, they told me at the blood bank this might happen.'
2. 'This is one of the five habits of highly effective people.'
3. 'This is the 10-minute power-nap. The trainer raved about in the latest management course you sent me to.'
4. 'Someone must have put decaf in the wrong mug.'
5. 'I was not sleeping at my desk, I was meditating on the company's mission statement!'
6. 'I'm currently doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan". They taught it at the latest mandatory seminar.'
7. 'Hey, why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out the perfect solution to our biggest problem.'
8. 'Boss, I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.'
9. 'I was not sleeping at my desk. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using hands.'
9+1. 'Amen.'
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Because it is an incentive to show up.
Because it reduces stress.
Because if someone does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
Because it leads to more honest communication.
Because it reduces complaints about low pay.
Because it eliminates vacations. People would rather come to work.
Because it helps save on heating costs in the winter.
Because it is environment friendly, encourages carpooling.
Because it increases job satisfaction. Simply, if you have a bad job you don't care.
Because it makes fellow employees look better.
Because managers hand out raises easier when they are wasted.
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