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Workplace Jokes

While my hired masons were working outside the house, I was busy with indoor cleaning. I had just finished vacuuming and mopping the hardwood floor when one of the workmen knocked in to use the bathroom. I looked at his dirty, muddy boots with dismay and I took a look at my newly cleaned hardwood floor.
'Wait a minute,' I said finally, 'I will put down some newspapers.'
'That's all right, Ms. Keith,' the mason responded, 'I am already trained.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Did you hear the news?
A 747 recently has crashed in a cemetery in Poland, and the Polish officials have found 1500 bodies so far.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

'Is there any reason you could not serve as a juryman in this case?'
'I do not want to be away from my job that long.'
'Can they operate without your work?'
'Yes, but I do not want them to know it.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Q: What does the vampire have at ten o'clock every day?
A: Coffin break.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Q: Where does success come before work?
A: Only in the dictionary.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The finance department's manager was in an inconvenient situation. He had to get rid of one of his best team members. He managed to narrow it down to two people. Mira or Jack. They were both equally qualified and both did accurate work. In his misery he finally decided that in the morning whoever used the coffee machine first would have to leave.
Mira came in the next morning, hungover like never before after partying all night at the club. She went straight to the coffee machine to fill a big mug. The manager approached her and said, 'Mira, I have never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
Mira replied, 'Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Three little girls were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some help to go around the town and sell Bibles. So the preacher hired two girls without even thinking twice. He was hesitant about hiring the third girl. She suffered from speech and language disorder. But finally his heart fell on her, and hired her, too. Two weeks later they all met at the church.
'How many Bibles did you sell?' he asked the first girl.
'I sold 14,' she replied.
He looked at the second girl and asked her the same question.
'I sold 28!' she replied.
The preacher was satisfied. Finally he asked the third girl, who suffered from speech and language disorder.
'I-I-I-I s-s-o-o-ld 103!'
The preacher was amazed and asked, 'How could you sell that many Bibles?'
'I-I-I-I t-t-o-o-ld them-m to b-buy them-m or I-I will r-r-read it to them-m.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A job seeker was filling out a job application form. The next question was: "Have you ever been arrested?"
He wrote: "No"
The next question of the job application form, intended for people who had answered with "Yes", was: "Why?"
The job seeker answered it anyway: "They never caught me."
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A man walked into an ice cream shop.
'Hello, I'd like some chocolate ice cream.'
The scooper replied, 'I really am sorry sir, but we're out of chocolate. Wouldn't you like something else?'
'Sure, I'd like some chocolate ice cream,' he said.
'I am sorry, but we don't have that. Would you like to try a different flavor maybe?' asked the scooper.
'Okay. I'd like some chocolate ice cream.'
'We do not have that. Maybe a different kind of ice cream?'
'I want some chocolate ice cream.'
'Look, sir, can you spell the "van" in vanilla?'
'V-A-N,' spelled the man.
'Could you spell the "straw" in strawberry?' continued the scooper.
'S-T-R-A-W.'
'And can you spell the "freak" in chocolate?
'But there is no "freak" in chocolate!'
'Finally, that is exactly what I've been trying to tell you!'
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An engineer was looking for a new job for better salary. He was sure he'd have no trouble finding a new position, because there was several engineer job advertisements in the area. He e-mailed cover letters to all the potential employers and attached his CV to each one. Two weeks later, he was dismayed. He had not received even one request for a job interview. Finally he received a message from an employer. It explained a lot:
"Your CV was not attached as stated. However thank you for the list of the boats on sale."
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

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