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Workplace Jokes

Q: What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
A: DUG
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

At a fancy restaurant a guest noticed that all of the waiters had two silver spoons in their pockets.
He asked one waiter about them, who replied, 'The most frequently dropped silverware are spoons. We keep them for quick replacement.'
A few minutes later the guest noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters' flies.
He asked another waiter about it, who replied, 'The string is for us to go to the bathroom. You know, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we do not have to stop to wash our hands.'
The guest was impressed and asked, 'Well, I see, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?'
The waiter whispered confidentially, 'Well, I don't know about the others, but I use the two silver spoons.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Joe and Bob landed themselves at a sawmill shift job.
On their first day, Joe yelled, 'Bob! I've lost a finger!'
Bob said, 'Oh no! How could you lost a finger? We've just started our sawmill shift!'
Joe replied, 'Dunno, I just touched this shiny, big, spinning wheel, like this.... Ouch! There goes another one!'
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(So far it's 3.67 point, based on 3 ratings)

An elderly lady was sitting in the violin section, fumbling for notes in a difficult key signature. After five minutes the furious conductor hit her on the head with his music stand. The poor elderly lady died instantly.
Not surprisingly, the is furious conductor was convicted and put on death row.
Just before he was about to be electrocuted, his last wish was six kilos of bananas. He got them, and he ate all. After, they strapped him into the chair and flipped the switch.
But he just sat there, smiling. Everybody was puzzled, but according to tradition he was freed.
Somehow he even got his old job back. He was happily conducting the orchestra when the flute player coughed.
Enraged, he lunged out with his baton, skewering the neck of the flute player, killing her.
Again, he was convicted and sent to death row. He again ate the six kilos of bananas, was strapped, but the electricity did not harm him. This time the executioner cleaned the contacts, made him sit in a bucket of water, just to see that the conductor won't die. So again, he was set free.
Amazingly he regained his job. But now it took him only one day to lose his temper and furiously beat to death a trumpet player.
The conductor was sent to death row again. He ate the bananas, again, and survived the electrocution.
At this point, the executioner could take no more, his professional pride was hurt.
Before setting the conductor free again, he asked him his secret,
'You have to tell me, what is it with the bananas?'
'Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it, I'm just a bad conductor.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

'Mr. Goodman, here is my final consulting report on your company. I have listed all the dead-weight employees, these are the ones who should be fired,' said the freelance HR consultant.
'Mr. Potts, I heard that you are the best freelance HR consultant, and you do not make mistakes, but this is the company directory.'
'Oh, yes, finding that was a great time-saver.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

A foreman sent out two groups of workers to put up telephone poles along a new highway. He asked them to report about the phone pole installation at the end of the day. The groups were gone all day and returned at sunset. The foreman asked the leaders how many poles they had installed.
The first reply was twelve. The foreman smiled and said, 'Not bad, not bad.'
The second reply was three. The foreman astonished, 'Three! Is that all day long?! The other group installed twelve!'
'Yes,' the leader answered, 'but you should have seen how much they left sticking out!'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

The new young worker at the construction site was bragging that he could win any competition of strength, and he is the strongest person there. He especially liked making fun of one of the older workers. After a few minutes of quibbling, one older worker had enough. 'Why don't you prove your strength instead of bragging?' he asked. 'I bet a week's salary that I can pull something in a wheelbarrow to that gray gravel hill that you will not be able to pull back.'
'Let's do it, old man!' the young worker replied.
The old man grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, 'Alright. Get in.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Walking through Chinatown, a backpacker saw a Chinese laundry with the sign: "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"
'Sigurd Kristiansen? How the hell does that name fit in here?' he wondered.
So he decided to check it out. He entered to see an elderly Chinese man behind the counter.
'How did this Chinese laundry get a name like "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"?' the backpacker asked.
The elderly Chinese replied, 'My name, I am owner.'
'Really? How did you ever get a name like Sigurd Kristiansen?'
'Many years ago when arrived at this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big Norwegian. Lady asked him: "What's your name?" He said: "Sigurd Kristiansen" Then lady asked me: "What's your name?" I said: "Seim Ting".'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

The company decided to follow the trends and created a health and wellbeing program, so employees can get enough exercise by:

going around in circles,
bending the rules,
playing hide and seek,
screwing around,
dodging responsibility,
jumping to conclusions,
flying off the handle,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
pushing their luck
dragging their feet,
passing the buck,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
shooting the breeze,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
climbing the ladder,
and shuffling papers.
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Ingrid was being interviewed for a job. She could be a maid at the house of the wealthy Abramskis.
'Do you have any religious views?' asked Mrs. Abramski.
Ingrid replied, 'No, but I have some really nice pictures of Sweden.'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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