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You are here: HomeJokesValentine Jokes

Valentine Jokes

What not to say on a Valentine's date:

- It has been tough, but I have come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

- I really feel that I have grown in the past few months. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

- I never said you need a nose job... I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

- I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

- I used to come here all the time with my ex.

- I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask kindly.

- Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
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Be careful, because below things are NOT considered as Valentine's Day Gifts:

1. Cash
2. Gift card
3. Anything you could have bought at the gas station on your way - even if you did not.
4. A box of chocolates, rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the liquor-filled ones.
5. A look and the words: "Oh honey, that was today?"
6. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop or even worse, a mortuary's.
7. Any food item with the words on the label: diet, light, high fiber.
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Perfect Valentine's Day gifts to him:

1. Leave the toilet seat up.
2. Don't cut your hair.
3. Ask for what you want, do not leave hints.
4. Remind him about the important dates frequently, beforehand.
5. Let him to answer every question with a simple yes or no.
6. Avoid "headache".
7. Do not ask him about your weight gain.
8. Do not ask him about his weight gain.
9. If you ask him to do something do not tell how.
10. Whatever you have to say, say that during commercials.
11. Do not bother him with your dress or shoe choices.
12. It is neither in your best interest or his to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
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'Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine's Day?' asked the Boy Monster.
'Yes, I did,' replied the Girl Monster.
'Is it still beating?' asked the Boy Monster.
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The Wife's Dictionary:

Argument: A discussion that occurs when she is right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Barbeque: She bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".

Blonde jokes: Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Diet Soda: A drink she buys at a convenience store to go with the biggest bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity: The last three minutes of a football game.

Hardware Store: Similar to a black hole in space. If he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Lipstick: On her lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear!

Valentine's Day: A day when you have dreams of dinner, candlelight and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
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Funny Business Signs:

In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a Boston medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a Chicago convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine's Day cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
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How to Drive Your Spouse Crazy?

Husband:
1. Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations".
2. Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
3. Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.
4. Reorganize his workshop or other special place.
5. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house and hide them well.
6. Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his father's side.
7. Hide his mobile, preferably in a different room each time.
8. Have your mother for a month-long visit unannounced.

Wife:
1. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
2. Call her by the dog's or by your mother's name and then deny it.
3. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
4. Shrink her jeans. When she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
5. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
6. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions. Even if you find yourself in Mexico when your original destination was Colorado.
7. Never give her a straight answer.
8. Answer every question with "Yes dear".
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How life would be like if the world was ruled by men?

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps".

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be an acceptable response to "I love you".

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for being late.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 15 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every insolent answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same, but it would be celebrated every month.

Telephones would automatically cut off after a minute of conversation.
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Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Value!
Value who?
Value be my Valentine?
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