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You are here: HomeJokesValentine Jokes

Valentine Jokes

One day a man went to the post office. As he entered, he saw a balding, middle-aged man standing at the counter. He was precisely placing "LOVE" stamps on pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then he took out a perfume bottle and started spraying scent all over them and a bunch of Valentine cards.
The man was more than curious, so he asked the balding man, 'Excuse me, what are you doing?'
The balding man replied, 'I am writing "Guess Who" onto 500 Valentine cards and I am going to send them out.'
'But why? Valentine cards, I don't understand...' said the curious man.
'Well, I'm a divorce lawyer.'
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Short poem of the Valentine's Day Witness

I picked up this card
from a slim selection,
But that's all they offer
in witness protection.
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Little Kenny came home from first grade and told his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
Kenny asked, 'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we are Jewish, will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine's Day card?'
Kenny's father replied, 'No son, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine's Day card to?'
'Osama Bin Laden,' Kenny answered.
His father went pale, 'Why Osama Bin Laden?'
'Well, I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give a Valentine's Day card to Osama, he might start to think that maybe we are not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and if other kids also sent Valentine's Day card to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how he didn't hate anyone anymore, and how much he loved them.'
The father's heart warmed up and he looked at his son with newfound pride.
'That is the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.'
'I know, dad. And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him easily.'
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Valentine's Day Consequences

At the office, where I worked, there was an angel there.
Her hair was long and flowing, and her skin was soft and fair.

I wanted so to ask her out, but I was always shy.
I thought she was too gorgeous, for me to even try.
A few times I approached her, but she just smiled and walked away.
I could not get the courage up, and "Hello" was all I'd say.

Then, I had an idea, I would get her home address,
And send a valentine to her, and with it I'd express,
The way I feel about her, and the way she makes me feel,
And the feelings that I have, are very, very real.

I will tell her, that I dream of her, and how it all would be,
If she would only take the time, to be alone with me.
I poured my heart out in the card, and ask her to be mine,
And then I dropped it in the mail - my special valentine.

In just a few short days, I had a response in my mail,
A card with her return address, I started feeling pale.
I wondered what she said in it, and what she thinks of me,
I guess the only way to know, is open it and see.

With great anticipation, I removed the envelope,
And closed my eyes a moment, as my heart filled up with hope.
I opened up my eyes to see, a card shaped like a heart,
And in the center, someone drew, a bloody piercing dart.

I opened up the card to see, if writing was inside,
And when I started reading it, I damn near almost died.
"I would love to be your valentine, but I think I will pass,
My husband says he'll be at work, to kick your tiny buttocks.

I'm glad you like my body, and you think it's really fine,
My husband says this card is going, where the sun don't shine.
In your card, you said there's things to me you'd love to do,
I think my husband's going to do, all of those things to you...

So, have a Happy Valentine's Day,
I'll see you Monday morn'...
My husband says on Tuesday,
you will wish you were never born."
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Here is a list of Valentine's Day gifts and their meaning. Use it wisely.

1. A heartfelt poem:
You are a romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the beauty and power of the written word, your handwriting expresses your loving soul.
OR: You are used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the beauty and power of the written word.

2. A box of candy:
You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share.
OR: You're a selfish chocoholic who values sugar high over everything, even true love and health.

3. Flower bouquet:
You love the scent of flowers, beauty of nature and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture.
OR: You get some twisted satisfaction out of watching vegetation wither and die.

4. Dinner and dance
You enjoy the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight and the company of the significant other.
OR: You are easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns on the dance floor.

5. Waffle iron
You are a practical person who believes in gifts that you can actually use.
OR: You have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant fetish involving household appliances.
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A woman wanted to buy Valentine's Day cards for her father and son, so she went to the mall. The huge variety of cards astounded her.
She muttered out loud, 'I wonder if they have anything for ex-husbands.'
The shop assistant heard and said, 'Oh yes, we have, but they are in Sporting Goods.'
'Really? Valentine for ex-husband?' exclaimed the surprised woman.
'Yes. They are called darts.'
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Five-year-old little Bobby loved chocolate, almost as much as his mother, Juliette loved. For Valentine's Day he and his dad surprised her with a big, beautiful heart-shaped box, full of tasty chocolates.
Some days later Bobby was contemplating the Valentine's Day chocolate box, wishing to have one.
As he reached out to touch the biggest chocolate, Juliette said to him, 'If you touch it, then you have to eat it, Bobby. Do you understand?'
'Oh, yes,' he replied and suddenly his little hand patted the tops of each and every chocolate in the Valentine's Day box, 'Now I can eat them all,' he added proudly.
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Q: What's the perfect Valentine's Day present if you want to break-up?
A: The book: Sex for Dummies.
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The Economist's Valentine's Day cards

1. Let's raise housing starts together.

2. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding drop-off in consumer enthusiasm.

3. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.

4. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.
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Funny Advice Collection for Valentine's Day:

1. Do not give the exact same Valentine's Day card you gave your partner last year.
2. Never buy the wrong brand/size of anything.
3. Remember to wear clean underwear.
4. Never buy your partner household appliances for Valentine's Day.
5.Do not tell your date you forgot your wallet - again.
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