Travel Jokes

A train crashed into a car and pushed it nearly three hundred meters in a terrible accident at a railroad crossing. Thankfully nobody was killed, but the car driver took the train company to court. At the trial, the trainee train driver, who was in charge, insisted that he had given obvious warning by waving his lantern back and forth for quite a long time. He even demonstrated how he had done it and convinced the court. The suit was dismissed.
'Congratulations,' said the lawyer to the trainee train driver when they went out finally of the building, 'you were great under cross-examination.'
'Thank you,' he replied, 'but I was frightened to be honest.'
'Why?' asked the lawyer.
'I was extremely afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!'

An Arab diplomat was visiting the U.S.A. for the first time. He was wined and dined by the State Department.
The Grand Emir was unused to the salty American foods, and from time to time he sent his manservant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water.
But after several rounds, Abdul came back empty-handed.
'Abdul, you sandy son of a bald camel, where is my glass of water?' demanded the Grand Emir.
Abdul said thousand pardons, felt miserable, and stammered, 'White man sit on well.'

I wanted to visit my husband, so I bought a ticket to South Africa, where he was stationed in the military. At the airport check-in the security guard asked me some standard questions.
'Has anyone given you any packages that you did not pack yourself?' she asked.
I told her that my mother-in-law had given me a box to take to her son.
She looked at me carefully and asked, 'Does she like you?'

Two drivers came to a narrow street in the old town where only one car could cross at a time. One driver leaned out his window and shouted to the other, 'I never back up for jerks.'
The other driver put his car in reverse and shouted back, 'That's ok, I do.'

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passed through a harsh storm. The turbulence was terrible, and things went even worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman in particular lost it.
In her fear, she stood up screaming, 'I'm too young to die! I want my last minutes on Earth to be special! I've had a lot of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a real woman! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a real woman?'
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone was staring at her.
Then, a man stood up. He was tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and black eyes. He started to walk slowly to the woman, unbuttoning his shirt.
The woman was breathing heavily as the stranger approached.
He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest as he reached her.
He extended his arm holding his shirt to the woman, and said, 'Iron this!'

A young guy wanted a new haircut before vacation. He booked a trip to Rome, Italy. His barber didn't hold back his comments, 'Rome? Why would anyone go there? It's crowded, dirty. Full of tourists and loud Italians. You're crazy to go there. So, how are you getting there?'
'I am taking Air Italia,' replied the guy. 'I got a great fare rate!'
'That is a shitty airline. Their planes are dirty, old, the stewardesses are ugly and they are always late. So, where are you staying at?'
'I will be at the International Ibis in the city center.'
'That is a dump. The worst hotel in Rome. Small rooms, overpriced. So, what will you do there?'
'I am going to go to see the Vatican and I hope to see the Pope.'
'You and a million other people trying to see him!' laughed the barber. 'Good luck on this trashy trip of yours. You're going to need it.'
A month later, the young guy again came to the barber for his new haircut. The barber asked him about his vacation in Rome.
'It was amazing,' answered the guy, 'not only was I on time in one of Air Italia's brand new planes, but as it was overbooked I was upgraded to first class. The food and champagne were wonderful, and I had a beautiful stewardess. The hotel was fantastic! After its redesign, now it's the best hotel in the city. There, due to overbooking, I got the presidential suite.'
'Sounds exciting,' murmured the barber, 'I am sure you didn't get to see the pope.'
'Actually, I was lucky as never before, as I walked the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder. He explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and I was chosen. I could step into his private room and ten minutes later the pope walked through the door! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.'
'Really?' asked the barber in his surprise. 'What did he say?'
'He asked where I had got the trashy haircut.'

I am a very nervous flyer. I am literally shaking and I am in constant fear. I had to visit our business partner in Dubai, and my connecting flight from Istanbul was delayed due to mechanical problems. Finally we took off, but I noticed the lights above my head began flickering. I mentioned this to a stewardess.
'I will take care of it,' she replied kindly. A minute later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off the lights.
The passenger next to me begged me, 'Whatever you do, please do not ask about the engines.'

One weekend Henriett was the new scout leader of the Squirrel Squad. Her husband was ill, so she had to fill-in his place and go for her very first camping weekend.
As a new scout leader, she wanted to take care of everything, so she assigned different duties to each scout.
Luke was responsible for the maps and time schedules, Ian would be the cook, Frank was responsible for food supplies, and Henriett herself would pre-test all their equipment.
After arriving at the foot of the mountain, the new scout leader decided to eat something before the hike.
A few minutes later Ian the cook said, 'Henriett, look, I can't light a fire with the matches you brought.'
Henriett replied, 'Why, those matches should be okay. I had tested all of them!'

A 5-year-old boy broke the peace of the intercontinental flight. He cried and shouted for long minutes, made her mother embarrassed, who just could not calm him down. He continued to scream furiously and punched the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an old man, wearing a uniform, walked forward to them. He leaned down to the boy and whispered something into his ear.
Instantly, the boy calmed down, fastened his seat belt and grabbed his mother's hand. All the other passengers relieved and applauded the man.
'Excuse me, General,' asked one stewardess, 'could I ask what you had told that little boy?'
'I showed him my service starts, my pilot's wings, my battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw any passenger out the door on any intercontinental flight I choose.'

A man was traveling to the mountaintop monastery. He hiked up on the steep flight of stairs, knocked on the door, and said, 'I hiked up here to see your beautiful and sacred place, but it is dark now, could I stay here for the night?'
The monks graciously accepted him and gave him a delicious dinner. As the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a weird sound. The next morning, he asked the monks of the mountaintop monastery what the sound was.
'We can't tell you, as you are not a monk,' they replied.
The man was disappointed but thanked them anyway the warm welcome before he left.
A few years later, the same man was traveling to that area again. He decided to visit the monks. They again accepted him, fed him, and he could stay there again for the night. And he heard the same weird noise that he had already heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asked what it was, but the monks of the mountaintop monastery said, 'We can't tell you, as you are not a monk.'
The man replied, 'All right, all right. My friends, I am eager to know. If that is the only way tell me, how do I become a monk?'
The monks said, 'You must travel and see the earth and tell us how many leaves there are and the exact number of morning dew drops. When you find these, you will become a monk.'
The man set about his task. Forty years later, he returned and knocked on the door of the mountaintop monastery.
'I have traveled and saw the earth and have found what you asked for. There are 168,111,235,698 leaves and 324,358,139,054,114,883 morning dew drops on the earth.'
The monks of the mountaintop monastery replied, 'Congratulations! You are a monk now! We shall show you now the way to the sound.'
The monks led the man to a wide wooden door, 'The sound is right behind that door.'
The man reached for the knob, but the door was locked. He said, 'It's funny, but may I have the key?'
The monks gave him the key, and he opened the door. Behind the wide wooden door there was another door made of stone. The man demanded the key to the stone door, and the monks gave him. After opening it, he found an other door made of emerald. He demanded the key from the monks of the mountaintop monastery. They gave it to him. After opening, he found an other door made of ruby. And behind that door there was another door made of titanium, and behind that one there was a golden door.
Finally, the monks said, 'This is the last key to the last, golden door.'
The man unlocked the door excitedly, turned the knob, and behind that door he was amazed to find the source of that weird sound.
But I cannot tell you what it was because you are not a monk of the mountaintop monastery.