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Travel Jokes

Due to my back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do some exercises. Once at a hotel, as I started my exercise, there was something under the bed. It was a small card, saying: "Yes, we clean under here, too."
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Mr. Peanut called a seaside hotel in Hastings to ask its exact location.
'We are only a stone's throw from the beach,' he was told.
'But how will I recognize your hotel?' asked Mr. Peanut.
'You will know. It is the seaside hotel with the broken windows.'
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An elderly lady was sitting next to the Pope on an airplane. They were flying in a storm, above snowy mountain peaks, and the plane was being rocked by some severe turbulence. She was horrified so she turned to the Pope and asked, 'Father, can you do something about this?'
To which the Pope answered, 'Sorry, I am in sales, not in management.'
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I have a friend who is a Boeing 747 pilot.
I said, 'Hi Jack!'
He shot me.
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Choose the right motel for your stay and avoid those, where the mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it.
Check if the pictures are placed for decoration and not to cover up recent bullet holes.
You did not choose the right motel if you have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you can use it.
Run if the receptionist has to move the body in order to get some ice for you.
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A vagabond in the Middle Ages found a roadside inn. It was the "Lancelot and the Dragon". As it was raining and he was hungry and exhausted, he entered.
'Good evening! Could you spare some leftover food?'
The innkeeper's wife looked at his dirty face, worn-out, muddy clothes and his shaggy hair.
'No way!' she shouted.
'Could I have a sip of beer?'
'No way!' she shouted again.
'Could I please sleep in your stable at least?' begged the vagabond.
'No way!' shouted again the innkeeper's wife.
'Please, can I ...?'
'What the heck?' interrupted the the woman, not allowing him to finish.
'... that can I have a word with Lancelot?'
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Four mathematicians and four economists were going for a trip by train. The mathematicians bought four tickets but economists bought only one. When the conductor was close to their compartment, all four economists hid in the nearest toilet. The conductor saw that somebody was in the toilet, so knocked in. In reply a hand appeared with one ticket. He checked it and the economists saved 3/4 of the ticket price.
On their way back the mathematicians decided to use the same strategy. So they bought only one ticket. However, the economists did not buy tickets at all. When the mathematicians saw the conductor, they quickly hid in the nearest toilet and when they heard the knocking they handed out the ticket. But they did not get it back for their surprise.
The economists took it and rushed to the other toilet.
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One businessman took the train from Turin to Luxembourg. When he sat he said to the Italian ticket inspector, 'Good morning sir, please do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Basel. As I'm very tired and I'm sure that I will fall asleep soon, I want you to wake me up in Basel. I have to finish my business there, and it is very very important. Here you have 50 euros for this favor. I have to warn you, when people wake me up I become aggressive. No matter what I say or do you have to get me out of this train in Basel. Is that clear?'
The Italian ticket inspector is happily agreed and took the money. Later, as the businessman had said he fall asleep. When he woke up he realized that he was in Luxembourg. He was so mad at the Italian ticket inspector that he searched him and yelled at him furiously.
'Are you stupid or what??? I paid you 50 euros so that you wake me up in Basel. And you didn't! What on earth is the matter with you? I want my money back now!'
While the man was yelling, two other travelers were looking at them, and one turned to the other and said, 'Look at this guy! He is so mad!'
The other replied, 'Yes, indeed. He's almost as furious as the guy they made get out of the train in Basel.'
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The real meaning of travel agency descriptions:

No extra fees = No extras available.
Explore on your own = At your own expense.
Options galore = Nothing is for free, pay extra for everything.
Old world charm = No phone, no TV, no sockets in the room.
Romantic = There is no TV, no radio, only one bulb.
Tropical = Rainy.
Gentle breezes = In hurricane alley.
Bird watchers paradise = The paint of your car will never be the same.
Majestic location = A long drive from town, at end of a bumpy dirt road.
Secluded hideaway = It is hard to find even with your GPS.
Only minutes from the airport = By helicopter.
Standard = Sub-standard.
Deluxe = Barely Standard.
Superior accommodations = One complimentary chocolate on your pillow, free shower cap.
All the amenities = Two chocolates, two shower caps.
Just like home = No Maid service.
Light and airy = No air conditioning.
Picturesque = There is a theme park next to it.
24-hour bar = Ice cubes at additional cost when available.
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A young guy wanted a new haircut before vacation. He booked a trip to Rome, Italy. His barber didn't hold back his comments, 'Rome? Why would anyone go there? It's crowded, dirty. Full of tourists and loud Italians. You're crazy to go there. So, how are you getting there?'
'I am taking Air Italia,' replied the guy. 'I got a great fare rate!'
'That is a shitty airline. Their planes are dirty, old, the stewardesses are ugly and they are always late. So, where are you staying at?'
'I will be at the International Ibis in the city center.'
'That is a dump. The worst hotel in Rome. Small rooms, overpriced. So, what will you do there?'
'I am going to go to see the Vatican and I hope to see the Pope.'
'You and a million other people trying to see him!' laughed the barber. 'Good luck on this trashy trip of yours. You're going to need it.'
A month later, the young guy again came to the barber for his new haircut. The barber asked him about his vacation in Rome.
'It was amazing,' answered the guy, 'not only was I on time in one of Air Italia's brand new planes, but as it was overbooked I was upgraded to first class. The food and champagne were wonderful, and I had a beautiful stewardess. The hotel was fantastic! After its redesign, now it's the best hotel in the city. There, due to overbooking, I got the presidential suite.'
'Sounds exciting,' murmured the barber, 'I am sure you didn't get to see the pope.'
'Actually, I was lucky as never before, as I walked the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder. He explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and I was chosen. I could step into his private room and ten minutes later the pope walked through the door! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.'
'Really?' asked the barber in his surprise. 'What did he say?'
'He asked where I had got the trashy haircut.'
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