Travel Jokes

A woman got on a bus holding her baby. The bus driver looked at them and blurted out, 'That is literally the ugliest baby I have ever seen in my life!'
Enraged, the woman dropped her fare into the fare box and took a seat in the back of the bus. The man seated next to her felt that something was wrong, so he tried to be polite.
'Did something bad happened?' he asked.
'Yes. The bus driver insulted me,' she replied sadly.
'He shouldn't insult passengers. He could be fired for that.' he said kindly.
'You are right,' she said, 'I will go to him and demand an apology!'
'Yes, good idea. Here, let me hold your monkey!'

A family wagon pulled into the only free camping site of a family camping. Three children jumped out from the car and began passionately unloading their stuff and setting up the tent. The boy rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and the mother set up the camp stove. The whole work went incredibly smoothly. A nearby camper was amazed to the kids' father, and told him, 'Sir, I have never seen teamwork like this in a family camping.'
The father answered, 'I've a system. No one goes to the bathroom until the camp is fully set up.'

A farmer and his wife went to the airshow. They were fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
'One ride is five minutes and 15$,' answered the pilot.
'Oh, sorry, that's too much,' said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second but then said, 'Let's make a deal. If you and your wife ride for five minutes in total silence, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you will have to pay 15$.'
The farmer and his wife happily agreed and went for a crazy wild ride.
'Congrats, for being five minutes in total silence, not making any sound. You are a brave man, my friend,' said the pilot after landing.
'Maybe I am,' replied the farmer, 'but I tell you, I almost screamed when my wife suddenly fell out.'

The charter suddenly stopped, turned around and returned from the airport runway to the gate. After two hours of waiting, it finally took off.
A troubled passenger asked the stewardess, 'What was the problem, why were we returned from the airport runway and why did we wait that much?'
'The pilot was bothered by a strange noise he heard from the engine,' explained the stewardess, 'and, you know, it took a while to find another pilot.'

There was an Englishman, an Irishman and Julia Roberts sitting together on retro train traveling through the USA.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel. It went completely dark, as they traveled in an old style train carriage without lights. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the retro train came out of the tunnel, Julia Roberts and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened. The Englishman had his hand on his face. He had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish guy must have kissed Julia Roberts... and she missed him and slapped me instead."
Julia Roberts was thinking: "The English guy must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman... And got slapped for that."
The Irishman was thinking: "Great! The next time our retro train goes through a tunnel I will make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again!"

My colleague took off with his family to see the country. When he returned, I asked how the family caravan holiday was spent.
'Todd,' he replied, 'have you ever spent almost a month in family caravan with those you thought you loved?'

Two drivers came to a narrow street in the old town where only one car could cross at a time. One driver leaned out his window and shouted to the other, 'I never back up for jerks.'
The other driver put his car in reverse and shouted back, 'That's ok, I do.'

On the way back to Washington as I was sitting in the Denver International Airport, they announced that the flight to Washington was full. The dispatcher was looking for volunteers to give up their seats, and in exchange, they'd give you a $200 voucher for your next flight and book first class seat on the next plane leaving two hours later. Six people ran up to the counter immediately. About 30 seconds later all the six of them sat down sullenly as the dispatcher said, 'If there is anyone else, who is not part of the cabin crew, and would like to volunteer, please step forward.'

Read some pre-flight safety briefing quotes, to keep on mind:

"There may be 30 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this aircraft."

"Should the cabin lose air pressure, oxygen masks will fall off from the overhead area. Place the mask over your own nose and mouth before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As we prepare for the take-off, please make sure your seat backs and tray tables are fully upright. In their most uncomfortable position."

"Last one off the plane have to clean it."

"Weather at our destination is 40 degrees with some broken clouds. They will try to have them fixed before we arrive."

"Thank you for flying with us, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Northern Airlines."

"We do have a smoking section. If you must smoke during the flight, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the plane."

"Folks, we have reached our flight altitude now. I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the airplane till we land, it is a bit cold outside."

On one particular flight the pilot had dropped his plane onto the runway really hard. The airline's policy required the first officer to stand at the door, smiling, while the passengers exited. He had a hard time looking into the passengers' eyes.
Finally everyone had gotten off, except for one elderly lady. She asked, 'Mind if I ask you something? Did we land or were we shot down?'

After a windy and bumpy landing, the stewardess announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Michigan. Please stay calm in your seats with your seatbelts fastened, while the taxi takes the Captain far from the airport."

"As you exit the plane, please gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave spouses or children."

A mountain guide in Iceland had to do the same trails over and over again. He loved nature, but just got tired answering the same silly questions. One time an Indian tourist became overwhelming. They were walking through a mountain valley that was full with rocks.
'How did these rocks get here? What happened here?' asked he Indian tourist.
'They were brought down by a glacier, sir,' replied the mountain guide.
The tourist looked the mountain and said, 'I don't see any glacier.'
'Oh, really?' said the jaded mountain guide. 'Probably it has gone back for more rocks.'