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Travel Jokes

Due to my back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do some exercises. Once at a hotel, as I started my exercise, there was something under the bed. It was a small card, saying: "Yes, we clean under here, too."
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The reception of the Portsmouth hotel got a call from their French guest. He wanted room service for some pepper.
The concierge asked politely, 'White pepper, or black pepper?'
The French Guest replied, 'Toilette pepper!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Moving to Africa means you no longer have to associate bridges or rivers with water.
Moving to Africa makes you withstand 110 degrees without fainting.
Moving to Africa converts hot chilies to mouth coolers.
Moving to Africa gives you the privilege of making tea anywhere.
Moving to Africa enables you driving a car only with two fingers in July.
Moving to Africa teaches you that the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Moving to Africa shows you that what is like getting hot water out from both taps.
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I am a very nervous flyer. I am literally shaking and I am in constant fear. I had to visit our business partner in Dubai, and my connecting flight from Istanbul was delayed due to mechanical problems. Finally we took off, but I noticed the lights above my head began flickering. I mentioned this to a stewardess.
'I will take care of it,' she replied kindly. A minute later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off the lights.
The passenger next to me begged me, 'Whatever you do, please do not ask about the engines.'
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(So far it's 4.67 point, based on 3 ratings)

Mr. Peanut called a seaside hotel in Hastings to ask its exact location.
'We are only a stone's throw from the beach,' he was told.
'But how will I recognize your hotel?' asked Mr. Peanut.
'You will know. It is the seaside hotel with the broken windows.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The local guide organizes a hike, stating that it will be the best hike ever.
However, his party became desperately lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them to nowhere.
'You told us it would be the best hike ever, and you were the very best guide in Utah!' they argued.
'I am,' he replied, 'but I think we are in Idaho now.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Read some pre-flight safety briefing quotes, to keep on mind:

"There may be 30 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this aircraft."

"Should the cabin lose air pressure, oxygen masks will fall off from the overhead area. Place the mask over your own nose and mouth before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As we prepare for the take-off, please make sure your seat backs and tray tables are fully upright. In their most uncomfortable position."

"Last one off the plane have to clean it."

"Weather at our destination is 40 degrees with some broken clouds. They will try to have them fixed before we arrive."

"Thank you for flying with us, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Northern Airlines."

"We do have a smoking section. If you must smoke during the flight, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the plane."

"Folks, we have reached our flight altitude now. I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the airplane till we land, it is a bit cold outside."

On one particular flight the pilot had dropped his plane onto the runway really hard. The airline's policy required the first officer to stand at the door, smiling, while the passengers exited. He had a hard time looking into the passengers' eyes.
Finally everyone had gotten off, except for one elderly lady. She asked, 'Mind if I ask you something? Did we land or were we shot down?'

After a windy and bumpy landing, the stewardess announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Michigan. Please stay calm in your seats with your seatbelts fastened, while the taxi takes the Captain far from the airport."

"As you exit the plane, please gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave spouses or children."
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A man was traveling to the mountaintop monastery. He hiked up on the steep flight of stairs, knocked on the door, and said, 'I hiked up here to see your beautiful and sacred place, but it is dark now, could I stay here for the night?'
The monks graciously accepted him and gave him a delicious dinner. As the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a weird sound. The next morning, he asked the monks of the mountaintop monastery what the sound was.
'We can't tell you, as you are not a monk,' they replied.
The man was disappointed but thanked them anyway the warm welcome before he left.
A few years later, the same man was traveling to that area again. He decided to visit the monks. They again accepted him, fed him, and he could stay there again for the night. And he heard the same weird noise that he had already heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asked what it was, but the monks of the mountaintop monastery said, 'We can't tell you, as you are not a monk.'
The man replied, 'All right, all right. My friends, I am eager to know. If that is the only way tell me, how do I become a monk?'
The monks said, 'You must travel and see the earth and tell us how many leaves there are and the exact number of morning dew drops. When you find these, you will become a monk.'
The man set about his task. Forty years later, he returned and knocked on the door of the mountaintop monastery.
'I have traveled and saw the earth and have found what you asked for. There are 168,111,235,698 leaves and 324,358,139,054,114,883 morning dew drops on the earth.'
The monks of the mountaintop monastery replied, 'Congratulations! You are a monk now! We shall show you now the way to the sound.'
The monks led the man to a wide wooden door, 'The sound is right behind that door.'
The man reached for the knob, but the door was locked. He said, 'It's funny, but may I have the key?'
The monks gave him the key, and he opened the door. Behind the wide wooden door there was another door made of stone. The man demanded the key to the stone door, and the monks gave him. After opening it, he found an other door made of emerald. He demanded the key from the monks of the mountaintop monastery. They gave it to him. After opening, he found an other door made of ruby. And behind that door there was another door made of titanium, and behind that one there was a golden door.
Finally, the monks said, 'This is the last key to the last, golden door.'
The man unlocked the door excitedly, turned the knob, and behind that door he was amazed to find the source of that weird sound.
But I cannot tell you what it was because you are not a monk of the mountaintop monastery.
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

On a stormy flight, an off-duty airline steward was sitting next to a man, who was extremely nervous as he was watching the wing through his rounded window. It was bending and bouncing up and down.
The steward tried to reassure him, 'There is nothing to worry about. Try to forget your fear of flying. I am working in the industry. I know that the pilots and the first officer have everything under control.'
The man replied, 'I have my reason for my fear. I am also in the industry, I am a Boeing engineer. We did not design this aircraft to do what it is doing.'
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Two friends, Lucas and Steve, went on a trip to Europe. They really enjoyed their time there.
When they got back, Lucas met up with his other friend, Jessica, to tell her all about it.
'One of the first places we went to was the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris. It was really neat.'
'Wow! Did you go in?'
'No, we couldn't, since Steve is a cripple. But after we did go to visit the leaning tower of Pisa. That was really great!'
'Fantastic! Did you go up inside it?'
'No, unfortunately we couldn't, since Steve is a cripple. But we went to visit the Big Ben after. In London, England.'
'Cool. Did you go up to the top?'
'No, we couldn't, since Steve is a cripple. But after we did attend mass at the Vatican.'
'Wow, really? What happened?'
'Well, the Pope made the sign of the cross, and George dropped his left crutch, and then his right crutch!'
'Amazing, what happened then?'
'George fell on his bum. He is a cripple, you know!'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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