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Sports Jokes

Top 10 Signs you aren't watching a real baseball game:

1. The hitter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.
2. Every time a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
3. When umpire yells: "Strike 3!" the hitter looks at him as if the dude's speaking Greek.
4. They keep shouting: "Do over!"
5. They just can't scratch themselves like professionals.
6. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
7. Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.
8. You overheard the coach yelling: "Run, Forrest, run!"
9. They play like the Mets.
10.Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts: "Dinner time!"





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A kind but a bit retarded soccer player died and went to heaven.
'There are too many people in heaven so you have to answer three questions to enter,' said St. Peter.
'Okay, no problem,' replied the soccer player.
'What two days of the week begin with the letter "T"?
'Today and tomorrow, it was easy.'
'Hmmm, I didn't think of that, this is not entirely correct, but I'll give it to you,' said St. Peter and continued, 'How many seconds are in a year?'
The soccer player replied, 'Twelve. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc.'
'That wasn't what I was thinking, but I'll give it to you, however I feel again, that this is not entirely correct answer. But go for the last question, what is God's first name?'
'Howard,' came the reply.
'How on earth did you get Howard?' asked St. Peter in his surprise.
'Well, it's easy. Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name.'
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In case you don't succeed at first, skydiving is not for you.
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'Do you know, what is the difference between a Norwegian and a tandem kayak?' Erik asked Mikkel.
'No, I don't know,' replied Mikkel.
'A tandem kayak will tip sometimes' explained Erik.
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Q: What do fishermen and hypochondriacs have in common?
A: None of them has to catch anything to be happy.
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There were two fishing-enthusiasts in a boat under a bridge. They were fishing together on a Saturday morning, as always.
When a funeral procession went through the bridge, one of them looked up, stood up, took off his cap and bowed his head. After the procession crossed the bridge, the man put on his cap, picked up his rod and continued fishing.
'That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you,' said the other fishing-enthusiast.
The first replied, 'I guess it was the right thing to do. I was married to her for 44 years, after all.'
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Q: Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So you can tell them apart from feminists.
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'Hey, you know what? I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!'
'Great trade!'
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will rest in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Papa Bear and Mama Bear had serious marital problems. They decided to divorce, and Baby Bear had to choose between them.
The judge asked him, 'Would you like to live with your father?'
Baby Bear replied, 'No, because Papa Bear beats me every day.'
'Okay, then do you want to live with your mother?'
'No, she beats me even more times.'
The judge was a bit confused and saddened hearing this. 'Well, you have to live with someone, and since your parents have marital problems they will divorce soon. Is there any relatives you would like to stay with?' he asked.
'Yes,' answered Baby Bear, 'with Bonnie Bear and Bobby Bear who live in Chicago.'
'Are you sure they will treat you well?' asked the judge.
'Oh, indeed,' replied Baby Bear, 'the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody.'
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