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Sports Jokes

A kind but a bit retarded soccer player died and went to heaven.
'There are too many people in heaven so you have to answer three questions to enter,' said St. Peter.
'Okay, no problem,' replied the soccer player.
'What two days of the week begin with the letter "T"?
'Today and tomorrow, it was easy.'
'Hmmm, I didn't think of that, this is not entirely correct, but I'll give it to you,' said St. Peter and continued, 'How many seconds are in a year?'
The soccer player replied, 'Twelve. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc.'
'That wasn't what I was thinking, but I'll give it to you, however I feel again, that this is not entirely correct answer. But go for the last question, what is God's first name?'
'Howard,' came the reply.
'How on earth did you get Howard?' asked St. Peter in his surprise.
'Well, it's easy. Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name.'
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A young guy, who was also a devoted golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one Sunday afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in seven holes before he had to go home.
Just as he was about to start, an old gentleman appeared and asked if he could accompany the young guy as he was golfing alone. He didn't want to say no, so he allowed the old man to join him. To his surprise, their game was quite fast.
Finally, they reached the seventh hole, where the young guy found himself with a tough shot. There was a high pine tree right between his ball and the seventh hole.
After a few minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old gentleman said, 'You know, I had hit the ball right over that pine tree when I was at your age.'
With that, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, but it smacked into the top of the pine tree and it stuck there.
'Of course, when I was at your age, that pine tree was only two feet tall,' commented the old gentlemen.
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Q: What do fishermen and hypochondriacs have in common?
A: None of them has to catch anything to be happy.
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'Hey, you know what? I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!'
'Great trade!'
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'If our parachute doesn't open, nor the reserve parachute, how long do we have until we hit the ground?' asked the beginner from the professional skydiving instructor, who always took the time to answer all the silly questions.
He gave his answer this time, too, 'The rest of your life.'
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The football team was about to finish their daily practice session when a large, feathered creature, a big turkey walked onto the field.
The players were more puzzled, when the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and then ran right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You are awesome! Sign up for the season, please, and I will see to it that you get a huge bonus.'
The turkey replied, 'Forget the bonus. Does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?'
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Q: Why do women like making love to the Australian golfer, Greg Norman?
A: He always finishes second.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will rest in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Two old men, Sam and Brad, were sitting on a bench feeding pigeons.
'Do you think there's football in heaven?' asked Sam.
'I don't know. But let's make a deal! If I die first, I will come back and tell you if there's football in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.'
They agreed on it, but sadly, three months later, poor Sam died. One day soon afterward, Brad was sitting on the bench, feeding the pigeons by himself.
He suddenly heard a voice whispering, 'Brad! Brad!'
'Sam! Is that you?'
'Yes, yes,' whispered Sam's ghost.
'So, is there football in heaven?'
'Well,' started Sam, 'I have got good news and bad news.'
'I want to hear the good news first,' said Brad.
'Well, there is football in heaven.'
'That's just great! What news could be bad then?'
Sam sighed and whispered, 'You are the goalkeeper on Tuesday.'
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Q: Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
A: Because there was a face-off in the corner.
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