School Jokes

Q: How do old mathematicians die?
A: They just lose some of their functions.

Impish Ike had just returned from the summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher called his father to tell him that Ike was misbehaving.
'Hold on,' he said, 'I had Ike with me for the entire summer, for three months, he has just gone back to school. Have I ever called you when he misbehaved?'

- There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
- A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
- There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
- The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
- All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
- In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
- Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
- Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Now I know everything!

A boy had to write an essay for school.
He went to his father and asked, 'Daddy, what's the difference between exasperation and anger?'
The father replied, 'Son, it's mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.'
The father went to the telephone and dialed a random number.
'Hello, is Carlos there?' he asked.
The man on the phone replied, 'There is nobody called Carlos here. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?'
'Son, that man was not happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we just annoyed him. Now, let's continue,' said the father.
He called again and asked, 'Hello, is Carlos there?'
'Hey, you just called this number and I told you that there is no Carlos here! You have got a lot of nerve calling again!' came the heated reply, and the receiver slammed down hard the phone.
'Son, that was anger. Now I will show you what exasperation means,' said the father.
He dialed the same number again, and calmly said, 'Hello, this is Carlos. Have there been any calls for me?'

My teenage daughter was incredibly nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking area, the instructor educated her, 'Turn right here, and as a reminder, you have to let the people behind you know what you are doing.'
So my daughter turned to the others sitting in the back seat and announced loudly, 'I am going right.'

It is not easy to describe what a bad dresser classmate is, but if you saw it running across your kitchen floor, your father would immediately hit it with a broom.

'I think you have your shoes on the wrong feet,' said the teacher.
'I don't think so. These are the only feet I have,' replied the pupil.

My bad dresser classmate was so proud of the way he looked, he invited himself to the prom.

The teacher said to my bad dresser classmate to do something about his shirt tail hanging out. So my classmate took off his trousers.

The teacher said, 'Sam, your word is "geometry". Tell me a sentence using the word.'
Sam replied, 'Ok. So, there once was this little acorn. Then it grew and grew and grew and then woke up one day and said: "Gee, I'm a tree!"'

A teacher had a little boy come up to her and said that he found a lizard.
'Is the lizard alive or dead?' the teacher asked.
'It is dead, I know for sure.'
'How do you know for sure?'
'I pissed in its ear,' replied the boy.
'You did what?!' exclaimed the teacher.
The boy said, 'You know, I bent to its ear and said: "PSSST!" and it did not move. So, it must be dead.'

One day a teacher asked one of her students, 'Who signed the Declaration of Independence?'
The little boy didn't know the answer. He was asked again and again on the next days, but he just couldn't learn, did not know the right answer.
Finally, the teacher called the boy's father to her office.
'Your son won't tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence,' she complained desperately.
'Come here, son. Sit down,' said the father. 'If you signed that crazy thing, please now admit it and then we both can go home.'

A guy saw a beautiful girl in the university corridor, so he asked, 'Have you got any overdue library books? 'Cause, you got fine written all over you.'