School Jokes

Little Cindy comes home from her first day of school.
Her mother asks, 'What did you learn at school today?'
Little Cindy answers, 'Not much, to be honest. They want me back tomorrow.'

Time it would take you to drop...

...from the top of the Mount Everest: 2 1/2 minutes

...from the top of the Eiffel Tower: 7 seconds

...from the top of the Great Pyramid in Giza: 6 seconds

...from the top of Big Ben: 5 seconds

...asleep reading this joke: ZzzZZzzZzzzz

A physicist, a chemist and a mathematician were shipwrecked. They managed to swim to a desert island.
'Is there any food on a desert island?' they asked each other.
As they walked on the beach they found a can. This made them so happy, the chemist and the physicist came up with many inventive ways to open the can.
Then suddenly the mathematician got a bright idea and said, 'Assume we have a can opener.'

Q: Why did the bully go to beauty school?
A: To tease hair.

We were asked to write down our answers to a few questions at my sociology class.
'Next question,' continued the instructor. 'How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?'
I was about to write my answer when a young blonde next to me asked, 'How do you spell "intellectual"?'

Hello! You have called the multi line answering machine of your school. Please listen carefully to all your options before making a line selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 0
To complain about school lunches - Press 1
To complain about what we do - Press 2
To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 3
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 4
To insult staff members - Press 5
To ask why you didn't get any information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and flyers mailed to you - Press 6
To complain about bus transportation - Press 7
If you want us to raise your child - Press 8
If you want to reach out, hit or slap somebody - Press 9
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be responsible for his or her own attitude, and that is not the teachers' duty, hang up and have a nice day!

Thank you for calling the multi line answering machine.

A young female teacher started writing high up on the chalkboard. She wanted to make a list for her fifth grade students what to read for the next exam. Suddenly one boy giggled from the first row.
'What is so funny, Rick?' she asked.
'I just saw one of your garters!'
'Get out of my classroom,' she yelled, 'and I don't want to see you for two days!'
The teacher turned back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to write the most important thing, she reached to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there was an even louder giggle from another boy.
She quickly turned and asked, 'What is so funny, John?'
'I just saw both of your garters!'
The teacher yelled, 'Get out of my classroom! I don't want to see you for two weeks!'
Frustrated and embarrassed, she dropped the sponge when she turned around again. So she bent over to pick it up. This time there was a burst of laughter from another boy.
She quickly turned to see Daniel leaving the classroom.
'What is so funny? Danny, where do you think you are going?' she asked.
'From what I've just saw, I am pretty sure my school days are over!'

My son was doing a project on 70's rock groups. He had to write an essay, so he asked me to name 2 of them.
'Yes!' I said.
'Who?' he asked.
'There you go,' I replied.

Find below some of the most remarkable comments on college professors:

"Information was presented like a torn fire hose. Spraying in all directions and no way to stop it."

"His lecture was great. It was so confusing that I forgot where I was, who I was, and what I was doing. It was an immense stress reliever."

"This class was a religious experience for me. I had to take it all on faith."

"His whiteboard technique puts Picasso to shame."

"Help me! I have fallen asleep and I cannot wake up!"

Why being a chemist is good?

1. You prefer to get your course credits the hard way
2. Access to 100% pure ethanol
3. You never have to worry about what you're doing on Friday night, because you will work in the lab.
4. You will know how to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies
5. Permanent goggle marks cheaper than a tattoo.
5+1. Because it's pHun!