School Jokes

A little girl came home on Friday afternoon, who has just finished her first week of elementary school.
'This is a waste of time,' she complained to her mother, 'I cannot read, I cannot write, and they do not let me talk!'

One day the grammar teacher asked for a short story about family from the pupils, and they had to use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, he called on little Mary, who responded with, 'On the weekend my father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Mary,' replied the teacher. He then called on little Tommy.
'My Mum planned a beautiful birthday party and it turned out beautifully,' he said.
'Excellent short story about family, Tommy!'
Then, the teacher called on little Jeremy.
'Last Sunday, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant. He said, "Oh that is beautiful, just beautiful!"

A physicist, a chemist and a mathematician were shipwrecked. They managed to swim to a desert island.
'Is there any food on a desert island?' they asked each other.
As they walked on the beach they found a can. This made them so happy, the chemist and the physicist came up with many inventive ways to open the can.
Then suddenly the mathematician got a bright idea and said, 'Assume we have a can opener.'

How can you prove that the Crocodylus niloticus is longer than it is wide?

Step 1: Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is green.
Look at the crocodile. It's long on the top and on the bottom, but the green part is only the top. So, the Crocodylus niloticus is longer than it is green.

Step 2: Prove that the crocodile is greener than it is wide.
Look at the crocodile. It's green along its length and width. But it is wide only along its width. So, the Crocodylus niloticus is greener than it is wide.

Consequently, the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

The housewife went to the market to buy Alaskan salmon and olive oil.
'How much is it?' she asked the merchant.
'16 euros,' he replied..
'16 euros! For what?' asked back the lady.
The merchant explained, 'The Alaskan salmon is 8 euros, and the olive oil is also 8 euros. So together it comes to 16 euros.'
'I know different. To the best of my recollection, 8 and 8 is 14.'
'What are your saying?'
'As far as I know, 8 and 8 is 14. Look, I had already had 5 children when my first husband died. When I married again, my second husband also had 5 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had together 3 children. So each of us had 8 children, and together we had 13 ! So, you see, 8 and 8 is 13.'

A priest was walking through the small town. He saw an old rolling blackboard outside the front door of a school. It had been cleaned and put out to dry in the open air. There was a small piece of chalk at the foot of the blackboard.
The priest took the chalk and wrote: "I am a priest, who prays for you all."
A lawyer was also walking through the town. When he saw what the priest had written, he added under it: "I am a lawyer who defends you all."
A doctor happened to came by, took the piece of chalk, and wrote his words: "I am a doctor who cures you all."
A fireman was also walking, and also saw the old rolling blackboard. He wrote: "I am a fireman who saves you all."
Finally, an ordinary citizen stopped, looked at the old rolling blackboard and then added: "I am an ordinary citizen, who pays for you all."

The local high school had a strict rule on school attendance and absence. Parents had to call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Judy decided to skip school one day. Instead, she wanted to go to the mall with her friends. She waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.
'Hi, I'm calling to report that Judy is unable to go to school today. She is ill.'
'Oh, I'm sorry to hear that,' replied the school secretary, 'According to the school attendance and absence rule I have to fill in a form. Who is this calling?'
'This is my mother.'

Dear Mum,

This univer$ity is really great. I have lot$ of friend$ already, and I enjoy $tudying. I $imply cannot think of anything el$e I would need. If you would like, ju$t $end me back a $imple letter, a$ I would like to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

And here is the reply from the understanding Mum:

Dear Son,

I am happy to kNOw that you enjoy studying ecoNOmics. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble privilege, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Mum

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician were just chilling in the park and watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a woman and a man entering a building. Five minutes later they appeared again together with a third person.
'Oh no, an error in measurement,' sighed the physicist.
'They have multiplied,' said the biologist.
'If now one person enters the building, it will be empty again,' concluded the mathematician.

It was the first day of school after the summer vacation. As a school bus driver it was time to pick up the children and take them home. At the end, somehow one little girl remained on the bus. Thinking she had missed her stop, I started driving slowly back and asked her to let me know if any of the houses looked familiar. The girl sat smiling in the yellow school bus and shook her head whenever I asked her if she recognized a house. I decided to go back to the school and ask for her address. When we arrived, she got off the bus and started walking away.
'Wait! We have to go inside to find out your address!'
'I live right there,' she answered, pointing to a house across the street, 'but I always wanted a ride on a yellow school bus.'