School Jokes

A guy saw a beautiful girl in the university corridor, so he asked, 'Have you got any overdue library books? 'Cause, you got fine written all over you.'

Oh my dear Lord, hear my anxious plea,
My calculus is killing me.
I know nothing of 'dx' or 'dy',
And I probably won't until the day I die.
My dear Lord, help me in this hour,
As I take my case to the highest power.
I care not for glory or loot,
Just please help me find one square root.
And please Lord, please let me see
One passing mark in organic chemistry.
Oh such a thing I constantly dread
I would just as soon join the Marines instead.
Lord, give me a sign
You have been listening all the time.
Lead me out of this constant coma
And please give me a shot at my diploma.

Find below some of the most remarkable comments on college professors:

"Information was presented like a torn fire hose. Spraying in all directions and no way to stop it."

"His lecture was great. It was so confusing that I forgot where I was, who I was, and what I was doing. It was an immense stress reliever."

"This class was a religious experience for me. I had to take it all on faith."

"His whiteboard technique puts Picasso to shame."

"Help me! I have fallen asleep and I cannot wake up!"

'Finn, how can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?' asked the teacher.
'Just don't bite any,' replied Finn.

Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says: "Get that gum out of your mouth". The train says: "Chew, Chew!"

Q: Do you find television educating?
A: Definitely. Every time someone turns on the TV set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Q: Why does every major university maintain a department of mathematics?
A: It is cheaper than putting them in the system for a normal salary.

'Son, I am extremely worried about your final exam, you always being at the bottom of your class,' started the father.
'Do not worry Daddy,' replied the son, 'they teach the same thing at both ends.'

The graduate with a Science degree wants to know: "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree wants to know: "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree wants to know: "How does it work?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree wants to know: "Do you want fries with that?"

A basketball coach went into the team's locker room before a game.
He looked over to his star basketball player and said, 'I am not supposed to let you play since you failed math. But the truth is that we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you know the answer, you can play.'
The star basketball player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes attentively and asked, 'Okay, now concentrate. Tell me the answer to this. What is three plus two?'
The star basketball player thought for a minute and then he answered, 'Five.'
'Did you say five?' the coach exclaimed, excited that he knew it.
At that, all the other basketball players began screaming, 'Come on coach, ask an easier question, give him another chance!'

A little girl came home on Friday afternoon, who has just finished her first week of elementary school.
'This is a waste of time,' she complained to her mother, 'I cannot read, I cannot write, and they do not let me talk!'

Little Cindy comes home from her first day of school.
Her mother asks, 'What did you learn at school today?'
Little Cindy answers, 'Not much, to be honest. They want me back tomorrow.'