School Jokes

There are three kinds of people in the world.
Those who can count and those who can't.

'As part of your student work, the first task here will be to sweep the floor.'
'But I'm a college student!' the young guy complained.
'In that case give me the broom - I will show you how!'

The other day I drove through the red light. At court I told the judge that I was a teacher, and asked my case to be heard immediately so I could get back to my class. A wild shine came into the judge's eye.
He said, 'Madam, I have waited so many years to have a teacher in this court. Sit down at that table now, and write: "I drove through the red light!" 200 times.'

After twenty years of high school teaching, I though I have already heard every reasons for not having homework, until one mother sent me this note: "Please Mrs. Smith, excuse Eva for not having her homework. Our dachshund had puppies on it last night."

It is easy to learn Chinese. See examples below:

Small Horse = Tai Ni Po Ni

See me ASAP = Kum Hia Nao

He's cleaning his automobile = Wa Shing Ka

This is a tow away zone = No Pah King

That's not right = Sum Ting Wong

Your body odor is offensive = Yu Stin Ki Pu

Are you harboring a fugitive? = Hu Yu Hai Ding?

Stupid Man = Dum Gai

I bumped into a coffee table = Ai Bang Mai Ni

Did you go to the beach? = Wai Yu So Tan?

It's very dark in here = Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet = Wai Yu Mun Ching?

I think you need a face lift = Chin Tu Fat

Our meeting is scheduled for tomorrow = Wai Yu Kum Nao?

A physicist, a chemist and a mathematician were shipwrecked. They managed to swim to a desert island.
'Is there any food on a desert island?' they asked each other.
As they walked on the beach they found a can. This made them so happy, the chemist and the physicist came up with many inventive ways to open the can.
Then suddenly the mathematician got a bright idea and said, 'Assume we have a can opener.'

My teenage daughter was incredibly nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking area, the instructor educated her, 'Turn right here, and as a reminder, you have to let the people behind you know what you are doing.'
So my daughter turned to the others sitting in the back seat and announced loudly, 'I am going right.'

The wise Confucius says: "It is better to be pissed off than to be pissed on."

Little Cindy comes home from her first day of school.
Her mother asks, 'What did you learn at school today?'
Little Cindy answers, 'Not much, to be honest. They want me back tomorrow.'

One day a teacher asked one of her students, 'Who signed the Declaration of Independence?'
The little boy didn't know the answer. He was asked again and again on the next days, but he just couldn't learn, did not know the right answer.
Finally, the teacher called the boy's father to her office.
'Your son won't tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence,' she complained desperately.
'Come here, son. Sit down,' said the father. 'If you signed that crazy thing, please now admit it and then we both can go home.'