Political Jokes

Q: What do ghosts and politicians have in common?
A: You can see right through them.

Q: What is the difference between a puppy and a liberal political party?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Alice dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is kind of bored, so upon passing the entrance test, he offers to show the new soul around. She thinks it is a great idea and accepts the generous offer. St. Peter shows her all the sights: the water pools, the tennis court, the library, the restaurant and finally, an enormous room full of clocks.
'What's the story of these clocks, Peter?'
'Everyone on earth is represented here, in this room full of clocks. They show how much time a person has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to Heaven's Gates to be judged.'
Alice thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. She asks why that is.
'Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up the clock.'
Alice notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hour hands are spinning at an incredible rate.
'What has happened with that clock above?'
'Oh, that is,' St. Peter answers, 'Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan.'

A British and an American journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program last year.
'Is Thanksgiving celebrated in the UK, too?' asked the American.
'Yes, we have a UK-style Thanksgiving,' the British replied, 'we celebrate it on the 6th of September.'
'Why then?'
'That's when you chaps left, that's why!'

A man walked up to the White House and shouted to the guard, 'I would like to speak to Bill Clinton, the president!'
'Hey, Bill Clinton is no longer the President of the United States. George Bush is the president,' replied the guard.
This happened three days in a row, and finally the guard yelled back aggressively, 'I have told you several times! Bill Clinton is no longer the president. George Bush is the President of the United States!'
The man said, 'I know, I know, I just like hearing it!'

The U.S. President was walking in the garden of the White House on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that someone had urinated on the snow. It could be spelled out: "The President Sucks." In his fury, he called the secret service to find out who had done it. In two hours, they came to him.
'There is some bad news and worse news. The bad news is that this is the Vice President's urine.'
'Oh my god, how could he do this to me? You told me there were some bad news and worse news. What could be worse than this?'
'This is the first lady's handwriting.'

There were three politicians, stranded on a remote, desert island. For their surprise, they found a bottle with a genie in it on the beach.
'Because there are three of you, you each get only one wish,' announced the genie.
'Only one wish? Then I want a superyacht!' said the first politician.
BOOM! The superyacht appeared!
The second politician said, 'I want two billion dollars!'
BOOM! All the money appeared!
'If I have only one wish, I want to be irresistible to women!' said the third politician.
BOOM! He turned into a chocolate bar!

'My brother ran for Senate last year.'
'Really? And what does he do now?'
'Nothing. He got elected.'

Q: What is the design error in being Bill Clinton for Halloween?
A: You cannot get door-to-door with your pants around your ankles.

Little Kenny came home from first grade and told his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
Kenny asked, 'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we are Jewish, will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine's Day card?'
Kenny's father replied, 'No son, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine's Day card to?'
'Osama Bin Laden,' Kenny answered.
His father went pale, 'Why Osama Bin Laden?'
'Well, I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give a Valentine's Day card to Osama, he might start to think that maybe we are not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and if other kids also sent Valentine's Day card to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how he didn't hate anyone anymore, and how much he loved them.'
The father's heart warmed up and he looked at his son with newfound pride.
'That is the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.'
'I know, dad. And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him easily.'