Political Jokes

Alice dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is kind of bored, so upon passing the entrance test, he offers to show the new soul around. She thinks it is a great idea and accepts the generous offer. St. Peter shows her all the sights: the water pools, the tennis court, the library, the restaurant and finally, an enormous room full of clocks.
'What's the story of these clocks, Peter?'
'Everyone on earth is represented here, in this room full of clocks. They show how much time a person has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to Heaven's Gates to be judged.'
Alice thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. She asks why that is.
'Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up the clock.'
Alice notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hour hands are spinning at an incredible rate.
'What has happened with that clock above?'
'Oh, that is,' St. Peter answers, 'Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan.'

Q: What is the difference between a puppy and a liberal political party?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Aladdin, Prince Charming, and Don Juan are sitting around a table discussing who the greatest person in the world is.
Aladdin says that he is the most sympathetic because he freed Genie.
Prince Charming says that he is the greatest person in the world because he is the most devoted prince in the world.
Don Juan says that he is the greatest because he has loved the most women in the world.
So they go and ask the wise man who is the greatest person in the world. They agree to go in alone. Like this, they won't be embarrassed in front of the others.
Aladdin goes in first and comes out smiling. He says that he truly is the most sympathetic person in the world.
Prince Charming goes in, and also comes out smiling. He says that he truly is the most devoted person in all the world.
Don Juan goes in last but when he comes out he is very upset. He asks, 'Who the hell is Bill Clinton?!?'!

The U.S. President was walking in the garden of the White House on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that someone had urinated on the snow. It could be spelled out: "The President Sucks." In his fury, he called the secret service to find out who had done it. In two hours, they came to him.
'There is some bad news and worse news. The bad news is that this is the Vice President's urine.'
'Oh my god, how could he do this to me? You told me there were some bad news and worse news. What could be worse than this?'
'This is the first lady's handwriting.'

A British and an American journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program last year.
'Is Thanksgiving celebrated in the UK, too?' asked the American.
'Yes, we have a UK-style Thanksgiving,' the British replied, 'we celebrate it on the 6th of September.'
'Why then?'
'That's when you chaps left, that's why!'

Q: Why was Clinton so interested in the events in the Middle East?
A: Because he thought the Gaza Strip is a striptease bar.

Time magazine sent a survey on sex for women in the USA. The subject was Clinton's sex scandal. One of the questions was this: "Would you ever have an affair with Bill Clinton?"
The results were astonishing:
6% - No
4% - Yes
90% - Never Again

Q: What is the design error in being Bill Clinton for Halloween?
A: You cannot get door-to-door with your pants around your ankles.

Little Kenny came home from first grade and told his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
Kenny asked, 'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we are Jewish, will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine's Day card?'
Kenny's father replied, 'No son, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine's Day card to?'
'Osama Bin Laden,' Kenny answered.
His father went pale, 'Why Osama Bin Laden?'
'Well, I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give a Valentine's Day card to Osama, he might start to think that maybe we are not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and if other kids also sent Valentine's Day card to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how he didn't hate anyone anymore, and how much he loved them.'
The father's heart warmed up and he looked at his son with newfound pride.
'That is the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.'
'I know, dad. And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him easily.'

The CIA, the FBI, and the LAPD are all trying to prove that they are the best at their jobs, especially at arresting criminals. The U.S. President decides to test them. He releases a red fox into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.
The CIA goes first. They have to be sly as a fox. They place animal informers throughout the forest. They question all the plants and all the animals. After two months of intensive investigation they conclude that red foxes do not exist.
The FBI goes next. They have to be sly as a fox. After one month without any leads they burn down the forest, kill everything in it, including the red fox, and they make no apologies. The red fox had its chance.
The LAPD goes next. They have to be sly as a fox. They come out after three hours with a seriously hurt rabbit. The rabbit is whining: "Okay, okay! I am a red fox! I am a red fox!"