Political Jokes

The U.S. President was walking in the garden of the White House on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that someone had urinated on the snow. It could be spelled out: "The President Sucks." In his fury, he called the secret service to find out who had done it. In two hours, they came to him.
'There is some bad news and worse news. The bad news is that this is the Vice President's urine.'
'Oh my god, how could he do this to me? You told me there were some bad news and worse news. What could be worse than this?'
'This is the first lady's handwriting.'

Q: How do ethnic jokes start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Little Kenny came home from first grade and told his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
Kenny asked, 'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we are Jewish, will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine's Day card?'
Kenny's father replied, 'No son, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine's Day card to?'
'Osama Bin Laden,' Kenny answered.
His father went pale, 'Why Osama Bin Laden?'
'Well, I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give a Valentine's Day card to Osama, he might start to think that maybe we are not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and if other kids also sent Valentine's Day card to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how he didn't hate anyone anymore, and how much he loved them.'
The father's heart warmed up and he looked at his son with newfound pride.
'That is the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.'
'I know, dad. And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him easily.'

Time magazine sent a survey on sex for women in the USA. The subject was Clinton's sex scandal. One of the questions was this: "Would you ever have an affair with Bill Clinton?"
The results were astonishing:
6% - No
4% - Yes
90% - Never Again

Q: What do ghosts and politicians have in common?
A: You can see right through them.

Q: Why was Clinton so interested in the events in the Middle East?
A: Because he thought the Gaza Strip is a striptease bar.

The lawyer was reading out the testament of a rich politician to the people mentioned in that.
"To my loving wife Gerda, who stood by me in the best and worst times, the house and $5 million."
"To my daughter Rebecca, who looked after me in illness and kept the political party going, the new yacht, the party leadership and $2 million."
"And to my cousin Ken, who hated me, and went against my party, who argued with me and thought I wouldn't mention him in my testament, hey, you were wrong: Hello Ken!"

The CIA, the FBI, and the LAPD are all trying to prove that they are the best at their jobs, especially at arresting criminals. The U.S. President decides to test them. He releases a red fox into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.
The CIA goes first. They have to be sly as a fox. They place animal informers throughout the forest. They question all the plants and all the animals. After two months of intensive investigation they conclude that red foxes do not exist.
The FBI goes next. They have to be sly as a fox. After one month without any leads they burn down the forest, kill everything in it, including the red fox, and they make no apologies. The red fox had its chance.
The LAPD goes next. They have to be sly as a fox. They come out after three hours with a seriously hurt rabbit. The rabbit is whining: "Okay, okay! I am a red fox! I am a red fox!"

A man walked up to the White House and shouted to the guard, 'I would like to speak to Bill Clinton, the president!'
'Hey, Bill Clinton is no longer the President of the United States. George Bush is the president,' replied the guard.
This happened three days in a row, and finally the guard yelled back aggressively, 'I have told you several times! Bill Clinton is no longer the president. George Bush is the President of the United States!'
The man said, 'I know, I know, I just like hearing it!'

Philip, the ambassador's most trusted butler, died in his sleep one night. The ambassador had asked Morris for advice on almost every subject, from suit colors to pending bills. Actually, Philip had been his closest friend.
So the ambassador was not happy at all when the vulture-like, ambitious office seekers appeared to apply for Philip's position.
'They don't even have the patience to wait until the man is buried!' the ambassador said sadly.
One of these ambitious office seekers made his way to the ambassador's side at the funeral, and asked, 'Is there a chance that I could take Phillip's place?'
The ambassador replied, 'I am sure, but the undertaker is almost finished, so hurry up!'