Political Jokes

'My brother ran for Senate last year.'
'Really? And what does he do now?'
'Nothing. He got elected.'

Alice dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is kind of bored, so upon passing the entrance test, he offers to show the new soul around. She thinks it is a great idea and accepts the generous offer. St. Peter shows her all the sights: the water pools, the tennis court, the library, the restaurant and finally, an enormous room full of clocks.
'What's the story of these clocks, Peter?'
'Everyone on earth is represented here, in this room full of clocks. They show how much time a person has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to Heaven's Gates to be judged.'
Alice thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. She asks why that is.
'Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up the clock.'
Alice notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hour hands are spinning at an incredible rate.
'What has happened with that clock above?'
'Oh, that is,' St. Peter answers, 'Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan.'

Q: Why was Clinton so interested in the events in the Middle East?
A: Because he thought the Gaza Strip is a striptease bar.

Philip, the ambassador's most trusted butler, died in his sleep one night. The ambassador had asked Morris for advice on almost every subject, from suit colors to pending bills. Actually, Philip had been his closest friend.
So the ambassador was not happy at all when the vulture-like, ambitious office seekers appeared to apply for Philip's position.
'They don't even have the patience to wait until the man is buried!' the ambassador said sadly.
One of these ambitious office seekers made his way to the ambassador's side at the funeral, and asked, 'Is there a chance that I could take Phillip's place?'
The ambassador replied, 'I am sure, but the undertaker is almost finished, so hurry up!'

There were three politicians, stranded on a remote, desert island. For their surprise, they found a bottle with a genie in it on the beach.
'Because there are three of you, you each get only one wish,' announced the genie.
'Only one wish? Then I want a superyacht!' said the first politician.
BOOM! The superyacht appeared!
The second politician said, 'I want two billion dollars!'
BOOM! All the money appeared!
'If I have only one wish, I want to be irresistible to women!' said the third politician.
BOOM! He turned into a chocolate bar!

Aladdin, Prince Charming, and Don Juan are sitting around a table discussing who the greatest person in the world is.
Aladdin says that he is the most sympathetic because he freed Genie.
Prince Charming says that he is the greatest person in the world because he is the most devoted prince in the world.
Don Juan says that he is the greatest because he has loved the most women in the world.
So they go and ask the wise man who is the greatest person in the world. They agree to go in alone. Like this, they won't be embarrassed in front of the others.
Aladdin goes in first and comes out smiling. He says that he truly is the most sympathetic person in the world.
Prince Charming goes in, and also comes out smiling. He says that he truly is the most devoted person in all the world.
Don Juan goes in last but when he comes out he is very upset. He asks, 'Who the hell is Bill Clinton?!?'!

Time magazine sent a survey on sex for women in the USA. The subject was Clinton's sex scandal. One of the questions was this: "Would you ever have an affair with Bill Clinton?"
The results were astonishing:
6% - No
4% - Yes
90% - Never Again

Thousands of people flock to the Burning Man festival in The Black Rock Desert north of Reno each year.
At this big hippie festival, people drink and do drugs, run around naked, or as George W. Bush likes to call it, get ready to run for President.

Q: What is the difference between a puppy and a liberal political party?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Bush and Cheney holds a presidential meeting in a nice restaurant. The waitress comes to their table and and asks what they will have.
Bush says, "I'll have a quickie."
"Mr. President, I thought this disgusting behavior stopped after the latest administration!" storms out the outraged waitress.
Cheney looks at the president and says, "George, you have to learn how to pronounce 'quiche'..."