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Police Jokes

The phone rang at FBI headquarters.
'Good morning! I'm calling to report my neighbor, Hughes. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!'
'Good morning sir, thank you very much for the information.'
The next day, FBI agents arrived at neighbor Hughes' house, and soon they found the firewood. Using axes, they busted open every single piece of wood, but did not find marijuana. They swore at the neighbor and left.
The phone rang at the neighbor's house, 'Hey, neighbor Hughes, did the FBI come?'
'Yes, they came here, Steve.'
'And did they chop your firewood?'
'Yes, they did.'
'Cool! I need my garden plowed, so now it is your turn to call!'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A driver was pulled over by the cop.
'Good afternoon Officer. What's the problem?' asked the driver.
'You were going at least 95 in a 80 zone,' said the cop.
'That is not true, I was going 80,' said the driver.
'Oh Thomas, you were going 95!' horned in the wife.
'I am also going to fine you because of your broken headlight,' continued the cop.
'Broken headlight? I didn't know about that!' said the driver.
'Oh Thomas, you've known about that for weeks,' remarked the wife.
'I am also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt,' continued the cop.
'Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car,' explained the driver.
'Oh Thomas, you never wear your seat belt, ' added the wife.
'Oh, just shut your mouth, woman!' exclaimed the driver.
'Madam, does your husband always talk to you like this?' asked the cop.
'No, only when he is drunk,' said the wife.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A stockbroker opened the door of his Porsche, when out of the blue a car hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the policeman arrived at the scene, the stockbroker was complaining sharply about the damage to his precious car.
'Look what they have done to my brand new Porsche!' he said heatedly.
'You stockbrokers are all stuck in your own materialistic trap, you literally make me sick!' said the officer. 'You are all so worried about your stupid cars that you did not even notice that your right arm was ripped off!'
'Oh nooo!' yelled the stockbroker as he finally noticed the bloody right shoulder where his arm once was, 'Where is my Rolex?!'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A policeman had just finished his night shift and arrived at home.
'Honey, you just won't believe what happened this night! I've never seen anything like this during my years working as a policeman.'
'Oh dear, what happened?' asked the wife.
'I came across two guys. One of them happened to eat fireworks, the other was drinking battery acid.'
'Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks? Are you sure? What did you do with them?
'That was a piece of cake. I charged one and let the other off.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A salesman was too tired of his job, so he gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, one of his friends asked him how he liked his new role after the burnout.
'Well,' he answered, 'the salary is not bad, the hours are good, and what I really like is that the customer is always wrong.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A new man was brought to the cell. There was sitting a bearded prisoner, who seemed to be at least 100 years old. The new man looked at the old man with a curious face.
'Look at me. I'm worn out and feeling older than I really am,' he started. 'I used to live the life of Riley, you cannot imagine. I wintered on the French Riviera, had a sailboat, five luxury cars, the most beautiful chicks, and I ate in all the best restaurants.'
The new man asked, 'I could never live the life of Riley, what happened to you?'
'One day Riley reported to the police that his credit cards are missing!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A defense attorney was interrogating a police officer on a trial.
'Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
'No, but I observed a person matching the description of the offender.'
'Officer, who provided this description?'
'The officer who was on the scene.'
'So, a fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Officer, do you trust your fellow officers?'
'Yes sir, with my life.'
'With your life? Let me ask you something. Do you have a locker room in the police station? A room where you change your clothes?'
'Yes sir, we do.'
'And do you have a personal locker in that room?'
'Yes sir, I do.'
'Officer, do you have a lock on your locker?'
'Yes, I have.'
'If you trust your fellow officers with your life, why do you find it necessary to have a locker room to lock your locker, if you share with those officers?'
'You know, the building is shared with a court complex. Sometimes defense attorneys walk through that room.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Two monks were riding extremely fast on a motorbike. They were promptly stopped by a policeman.
He asked, 'What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?'
The monks answered, 'Don't worry, Jesus is with us.'
The policeman said, 'In that case, I have to fine you. Three people are never allowed to ride on a motorbike.'
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(So far it's 4.67 point, based on 3 ratings)

On a chilly Christmas afternoon, a cop on horseback was waiting at a traffic light. A kid rode next to him on his new, red bike.
The cop said, 'What a nice new, red bike you have there. Is this a gift from Santa?'
The kid replied, 'Yes, it is.'
The cop said, 'Well, tell Santa to put a taillight on that nice red bike next year,' and he gave the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation fine.
The kid took it and asked back, 'This nice horse you have, is this a gift from Santa?'
Humoring the kid, the cop replied, 'Yes, he brought it.'
The kid said, 'Well, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top next year.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

I was walking down a quite dark alley last night, when I heard a strange noise.
'Help! Help!' screamed and old lady into the night.
I saw that two robbers were trying to steal the old lady's handbag, but she was fighting fiercely.
I wondered if I should get involved, or simply keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything.
But finally I decided that I should help. It didn't take the three of us very long to get the old lady's handbag.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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