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Police Jokes

A policeman man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag.
He ran into one of his friends, who asked, 'Hey, Tom! What do you have in that brown paper bag?'
The policeman told him that he had some fish in the bag.
'Well, I bet I can guess how many fish you have in the bag. If I'm right I win, and you will have to give me one fish. Deal?'
The policeman answered, 'Hah! If you can tell me exactly how many fish I have in this brown paper bag, I will give you both of them!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A stockbroker opened the door of his Porsche, when out of the blue a car hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the policeman arrived at the scene, the stockbroker was complaining sharply about the damage to his precious car.
'Look what they have done to my brand new Porsche!' he said heatedly.
'You stockbrokers are all stuck in your own materialistic trap, you literally make me sick!' said the officer. 'You are all so worried about your stupid cars that you did not even notice that your right arm was ripped off!'
'Oh nooo!' yelled the stockbroker as he finally noticed the bloody right shoulder where his arm once was, 'Where is my Rolex?!'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A man was in no shape to drive after they had a Christmas party at the office. So he wisely decided to leave his car parked and walked home. As he was walking along with uncertain steps, a policeman stopped him.
'What are you doing out here at 3 a.m.?' asked the policeman.
'We had a Christmas party at the office, now I am going to a lecture,' replied the man.
'And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?' asked the policeman.
'My wife,' replied said the man.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A policeman had a splendid spot to watch for speeders. However one Saturday everybody respected the speed limit. He searched for and revealed the root cause. It was a ten-year-old girl who was standing alongside the road with a hand painted sign: "LOOK OUT! SPEED TRAP AHEAD!"
The policeman walked then to the other direction, only to find an other little girl with an other hand painted sign: "TIPS", and a big bucket of change.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The judge said to the defendant, 'I have already told you, I never wanted to see you in here again.'
The defendant agreed, 'Your Honor, that is exactly what I tried to tell the police. But they wouldn't listen.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

Three blondes were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, their mentor showed the first blonde a picture for three seconds and then hid it.
'Shelly, this was your suspect, how would you recognize him?'
The first blonde answered, 'That is so easy, he will be in our hands quickly because he only has one ear.'
The mentor said, 'Well... that is because the picture shows his profile...'
Frustrated by this ridiculous answer, he showed the picture for three seconds to the second blonde and asked her, 'Sheila, this is your suspect, how would you recognize him?'
The second blonde smiled and said, 'So easy question, we would catch them fast because he only has one eye!'
The mentor angrily responded, 'What on earth is the matter with you two? Of course only one ear and one eye is visible, as this is a picture of his profile!'
He shows the picture to the third blonde finally, desperately hoping that she will reply somewhat satisfactory.
He asked, 'This is the suspect, how would you recognize him?'
He quickly added, 'Think before you also give me a dumb answer.'
The third blonde looked at the picture and said, 'Our suspect wears contact lenses.'
The policeman was speechless and surprised. He rushed to double check the suspect's profile and it turned out that he really wore contact lenses.
'Very well, good job! How did you know that?'
'That is so easy,' the third blonde replied, 'he cannot wear glasses because he only has one ear and one eye.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Three policemen were enjoying the happy hours in a bar on a Friday night. After a few drinks they decided to take part in the weekly pub raffle. They bought ten tickets each as it was for charity. When the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
One of them won a whole year's supply of spicy spaghetti sauce on the weekly pub raffle, the other won supply of extra-long spaghetti for at least three months and the third policeman won a simple toilet brush.
They only met a week later in the pub. They talked about how they were enjoying their fantastic prizes. The first two agreed that the spaghetti and the sauce were excellent.
The third man was not so into his prize, and said, 'We are so lucky to won on the weekly pub raffle, but my prize, the toilet brush is not so good at all. I will go back to paper.'
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The elderly couple was celebrating their fifty-fifth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts. They had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old elementary school. It was open, so they entered. They found the old desk they had shared, where Mick had carved "I love you, Ginny."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored truck, landing right in front of them.
Ginny quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took the bag of money home. There she counted, it was exactly sixty-thousand dollars.
Mick said, 'We've got to give it back.'
'Finders keepers!' said Ginny and hid it in the attic.
The next day, two FBI agents were investigating the neighborhood, looking for the bag of money. They knocked on their door.
'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored truck yesterday?' they asked.
Ginny replied quickly, 'No.'
Mick interrupted, 'She's lying, she hid it up in the attic.'
Ginny argued, 'Oh, please, don't believe him, he's getting old and senile.'
The agents turned to Mick and began to question him.
'Tell us the story, from the beginning.'
Mick started, 'Well, when Ginny and I were walking home from school yesterday...'
The first FBI agent turned to his partner and said, 'Okay, let's go now.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

This drunk fellow was stumbling down the street with one foot on the sidewalk and one foot in the ditch.
A policeman pulled him up and said, 'Sir, I'm gonna take you in. You are drunk, you cannot deny it.'
The wasted fellow asked, 'Uhm, officer, are you sure I'm drunk...?'
'Yes, buddy,' he said, 'I am totally sure about that. Let's go.'
'Oh, that's a huge relief, you know. I thought I was a cripple.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

A middle-aged woman was driving through a school zone in the suburbs. The policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she asked, 'Why do I always get a ticket? Everyone else only gets a warning. Is it my face...?'
The policeman replied, 'No, it is your foot.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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