Police Jokes

The local sheriff was looking for a new colleague. He needed a new deputy. There was only one candidate, Tom, who wasn't a smart guy, but the sheriff gave him a chance.
'Tom, what is 5 and 5?'
'55,' he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself that was not what he meant, but at least the candidate had some logic.
'Which are the two days of the weeks, which start with the letter "T"?'
'Tomorrow and today.'
Tom was again right, he had some logic, the sheriff admitted to himself.
'Now, Tom. Listen carefully. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?'
Tom looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute. Finally admitted, 'I don't know.'
'Well, go home and work on that one for a while, okay?'
So, Tom left. On his way home he met his friends. They were excited to hear the results of the interview. Tom was was excited, too.
'It was cool! First day on the job and I am already working on a murder case!'

'I am afraid that I am going to have to lock you up for the night,' said the policeman to the drunk man in elf costume.
'What's the charge?' he growled.
'Oh, there isn't any charge. It is all part of the service.'

A man was driving home late one evening, and he was driving well above the speed limit. A police car chased him with red lights and siren turned on. The driver was sure that he could outrun the cop. So the cars started a race on the highway. Finally, as the speedometer passed 100, the man gave up. He pulled over to the curb. The cop got out of his car and approached the man.
'Listen dude, I've had a really hard day. I just want to go home. Give me a very good excuse and I will let you go.'
The man was thinking for a moment and said, 'Two weeks ago, my wife ran off with a cop. When I saw the police car chasing me, I thought that you were that cop and that you were trying to give her back to me!'

An American sales representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians.
'In the US anyone can pick up any phone and dial 911. This records the call and connect them with the police,' started the American sales representative.
The Russian replied, 'In Russia there is no need to dial anything.'

One Saturday night the policeman spotted a man driving dangerously through the streets of Paris. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
'Oh, yes, you know, me and my friends stopped by the bar where I had some glasses of red wine. And then there was "Happy Hour" and they served these wine cocktails, which I had to try. I had three of them, I guess. Then I had to drive my friend, Luc, home and he has this crazy new blue wine, so I had to taste it. Then I stopped on the way home to get one bottle of this blue wine for later...'
The officer sighed, and said, 'Sir, I need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.'
Bitterly, the man asked back, 'Why? Don't you believe me?!'

On a stormy, rainy day a man gets pulled over for speeding. The police officer says, 'Hey, isn't it stupid to be driving so fast in this ugly weather?'
The driver says, 'Excuse me, but who is stupid? You are the one who is standing out in the rain.'

Two burglars were doing their shady business in a hotel room.
The first one said, 'Hey, I hear sirens. Let's jump!'
The second one replied, 'Hey, we are on the 13th floor!'
The first one was impatient, '13th floor, 13th floor, this is not time of being superstitious!'

A Swiss guy visited Canberra, Australia. He was at a bus stop where two Aussie cops are waiting. 'Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?' he asks.
The two Aussie cops stared at him in silence.
'Excusez-moi, parlez-vous francais?' he tried.
The two continued to stare.
'Scusa, parlo italiano?'
Nothing.
'Hablan ustedes Espanol?'
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy went away, extremely disappointed. The first Aussie cop turned to the second and said, 'Y'know, we should learn a foreign language.'
'Why?' asked the other. 'That guy spoke four languages, and it didn't do him any good.'

A defense attorney was interrogating a police officer on a trial.
'Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
'No, but I observed a person matching the description of the offender.'
'Officer, who provided this description?'
'The officer who was on the scene.'
'So, a fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Officer, do you trust your fellow officers?'
'Yes sir, with my life.'
'With your life? Let me ask you something. Do you have a locker room in the police station? A room where you change your clothes?'
'Yes sir, we do.'
'And do you have a personal locker in that room?'
'Yes sir, I do.'
'Officer, do you have a lock on your locker?'
'Yes, I have.'
'If you trust your fellow officers with your life, why do you find it necessary to have a locker room to lock your locker, if you share with those officers?'
'You know, the building is shared with a court complex. Sometimes defense attorneys walk through that room.'

Two policemen were building a shed in the captain's garden. The one who was nailing reached into his pocket, pulled out a nail, and either threw it away, or nailed it in.
The other policeman, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away? We will never end building this shed.'
The first explained, 'Look, if I pull a nail out of my pocket and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away because it's faulty. If it's pointed toward the shed, then I nail it in!'
The second policeman got completely mad and yelled, 'Are you insane??? The nails pointed toward you aren't faulty! They're for the other side of the shed!!!'