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Police Jokes

A wealthy lawyer spent four weeks every year in his luxury treehouse in the hills. Every summer, he invited one of his friends to stay with him for a couple of days. One summer he invited a Czech friend to visit him. They spent a wonderful time there, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.
One morning, as they were picking some berries for their breakfast under the house, two huge bears, a male and a female, approached them. The lawyer had time to run for cover, but his friend wasn't so lucky. The male bear swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Jeep and raced to the town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and they raced back with the lawyer. Luckily, the bears were still under the luxury tree house.
'He is in that one!' yelled the lawyer, pointing at the male.
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his shotgun, took careful aim, and shot the female bear.
'Why did you do that?!' exclaimed the lawyer, 'I said he was in the other bear!'
'Indeed. Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

An American sales representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians.
'In the US anyone can pick up any phone and dial 911. This records the call and connect them with the police,' started the American sales representative.
The Russian replied, 'In Russia there is no need to dial anything.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A salesman was too tired of his job, so he gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, one of his friends asked him how he liked his new role after the burnout.
'Well,' he answered, 'the salary is not bad, the hours are good, and what I really like is that the customer is always wrong.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

'I am afraid that I am going to have to lock you up for the night,' said the policeman to the drunk man in elf costume.
'What's the charge?' he growled.
'Oh, there isn't any charge. It is all part of the service.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A juggler was driving to his next juggling performance, when the police stopped him.
'What are those sharp knives on the backseat?' asked the officer.
'They are the accessories to my new, breathtaking juggling performance.'
'Really?' asked the cop. 'Let me see that breathtaking juggling performance of yours.'
The juggler started tossing and juggling the sharp knives.
A guy driving by saw this and remarked, 'God, I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test the police making you do now!'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 3 ratings)

This nitwit villager was traveling across Missouri when a state policeman stopped him.
'Have you got any I. D.?' the policeman asked.
The nitwit villager asked back, 'About what...?'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

The police officer said, 'Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.'
The dog owner replied, 'Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

A policeman stops a car on the highway, because it was swerving in and out of lanes randomly. He tells the driver to blow into the breathalyzer.
'I am not allowed to do that, officer.'
'Why not?'
'I could get an asthma attack if I blow, I'm an asthmatic.'
'Ok, I can accept that, then we'll get a urine sample at the police station.'
'I can't do that either, I'm sorry.'
'Why not?'
'Because I'm a diabetic. If I pee in a cup, I will not have the correct blood sugar level.'
'Hmm, so, we can get a blood sample.'
'I am not allowed to do that either.'
'Why not?'
'Because I'm a hemophiliac, which means if I give blood I could die.'
'All right then, just walk 10 meters along this white line.'
'I think I cannot do that either.'
'Why not?'
'Because I'm drunk.'
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(So far it's 4.33 point, based on 3 ratings)

On a chilly Christmas afternoon, a cop on horseback was waiting at a traffic light. A kid rode next to him on his new, red bike.
The cop said, 'What a nice new, red bike you have there. Is this a gift from Santa?'
The kid replied, 'Yes, it is.'
The cop said, 'Well, tell Santa to put a taillight on that nice red bike next year,' and he gave the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation fine.
The kid took it and asked back, 'This nice horse you have, is this a gift from Santa?'
Humoring the kid, the cop replied, 'Yes, he brought it.'
The kid said, 'Well, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top next year.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

Detective Ron entered the confessional and told the priest that he has committed adultery.
'Oh, no,' replied the priest, 'Was it with Lily Smith?'
'I would rather not say who it was...'
'Was it with Barbie Lynn?'
'I would rather not say,' said Ron.
So the priest gave him absolution and Ron left the confessional. At the church door Ron's partner asked if he received absolution.
'Yes partner, and two very good tips to solve the case!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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