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Police Jokes

On a chilly Christmas afternoon, a cop on horseback was waiting at a traffic light. A kid rode next to him on his new, red bike.
The cop said, 'What a nice new, red bike you have there. Is this a gift from Santa?'
The kid replied, 'Yes, it is.'
The cop said, 'Well, tell Santa to put a taillight on that nice red bike next year,' and he gave the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation fine.
The kid took it and asked back, 'This nice horse you have, is this a gift from Santa?'
Humoring the kid, the cop replied, 'Yes, he brought it.'
The kid said, 'Well, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top next year.'
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A farmer and his llama were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.
The cop said, 'Is this a llama on the seat? It is against the law to ride with a llama in the car.'
The farmer answered, 'Officer, I did not know that.'
The cop asked the farmer where they were heading and he replied, 'To Kansas City.'
The cop said, 'I will let you go this time if you promise to take the llama to the zoo once you get there.'
So the farmer promised he would, and left. Two weeks later the cop pulled him over again, because he saw again the llama on the seat.
The cop remarked, 'You promised to take this llama to the zoo when you got to Kansas City.'
The farmer replied, 'Sure, I did. We had so much fun, so now I'm taking him to the circus.'
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The state trooper was on the witness stand, answering some cross examination questions.
'When you stopped Ms. Brooks, were your red and blue lights flashing?' asked the lawyer.
'Yes, sir, they were flashing,' replied the state trooper.
'Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?' continued the lawyer his cross examination questions.
'Yes, sir, she asked something.'
'And what was it she asked?'
'She asked, at which disco she was.'
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'I am afraid that I am going to have to lock you up for the night,' said the policeman to the drunk man in elf costume.
'What's the charge?' he growled.
'Oh, there isn't any charge. It is all part of the service.'
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This nitwit villager was traveling across Missouri when a state policeman stopped him.
'Have you got any I. D.?' the policeman asked.
The nitwit villager asked back, 'About what...?'
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The town judge grew tired of seeing the same drunk fellow at court every week. One day the judge frowned, looked down at the man, who was still drunk as a skunk, and thundered, 'It is the sentence of this court that you will be executed by electric chair! You will be taken from here to the place of execution. There you will be fixed in the electrical chair to be shocked until death!'
Hearing this, the drunk instantly fainted. The court clerk rushed to give first aid, and looked up at the judge.
The judge shrugged and remarked, 'I have always wanted to try that!'
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A cop pulled a guy over for weaving across four lanes of traffic.
He walked up to the drivers window and asked, 'Hey, you drinking?'
The driver asked back, 'You buying?'
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A backpacker was travelling by bus from Quito to Santo Domingo. He decided to chat with his seat mate.
'Hey, I have some really funny policeman jokes. Would you like to hear them?'
'Mister, before you tell me really funny policeman jokes, I warn you that I am a policeman.'
'That is okay, then I will tell them really slow!'
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A man was lying spread out on four theater seats.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he said, 'Sorry sir, but you are only allowed to sit on one seat.'
The man groaned but didn't move.
The usher became impatient, 'Sorry sir, but if you do not get up from those seats I have to call the manager.'
The man just groaned again, making the usher angry. So he went for the manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned to the man who was lying spread out. They tried to move him, but without any success. Finally, they called the police.
The cop came out and took action, 'Well, my fellow, what's your name?'
'Tim,' the man moaned.
'Where are you from, Tim?'
Tim replied with pain in his voice, '...from the balcony.'
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A stockbroker opened the door of his Porsche, when out of the blue a car hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the policeman arrived at the scene, the stockbroker was complaining sharply about the damage to his precious car.
'Look what they have done to my brand new Porsche!' he said heatedly.
'You stockbrokers are all stuck in your own materialistic trap, you literally make me sick!' said the officer. 'You are all so worried about your stupid cars that you did not even notice that your right arm was ripped off!'
'Oh nooo!' yelled the stockbroker as he finally noticed the bloody right shoulder where his arm once was, 'Where is my Rolex?!'
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