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Police Jokes

A policeman had just finished his night shift and arrived at home.
'Honey, you just won't believe what happened this night! I've never seen anything like this during my years working as a policeman.'
'Oh dear, what happened?' asked the wife.
'I came across two guys. One of them happened to eat fireworks, the other was drinking battery acid.'
'Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks? Are you sure? What did you do with them?
'That was a piece of cake. I charged one and let the other off.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A man was in no shape to drive after they had a Christmas party at the office. So he wisely decided to leave his car parked and walked home. As he was walking along with uncertain steps, a policeman stopped him.
'What are you doing out here at 3 a.m.?' asked the policeman.
'We had a Christmas party at the office, now I am going to a lecture,' replied the man.
'And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?' asked the policeman.
'My wife,' replied said the man.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Two policemen were walking down the street.
The first said, 'Hey! Look at that big dog with one eye!'
The second replied, 'Okay!' and with his hand he covered one of his eyes.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

On a chilly Christmas afternoon, a cop on horseback was waiting at a traffic light. A kid rode next to him on his new, red bike.
The cop said, 'What a nice new, red bike you have there. Is this a gift from Santa?'
The kid replied, 'Yes, it is.'
The cop said, 'Well, tell Santa to put a taillight on that nice red bike next year,' and he gave the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation fine.
The kid took it and asked back, 'This nice horse you have, is this a gift from Santa?'
Humoring the kid, the cop replied, 'Yes, he brought it.'
The kid said, 'Well, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top next year.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

A middle-aged woman was driving through a school zone in the suburbs. The policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she asked, 'Why do I always get a ticket? Everyone else only gets a warning. Is it my face...?'
The policeman replied, 'No, it is your foot.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Short poem of the Valentine's Day Witness

I picked up this card
from a slim selection,
But that's all they offer
in witness protection.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

'I am afraid that I am going to have to lock you up for the night,' said the policeman to the drunk man in elf costume.
'What's the charge?' he growled.
'Oh, there isn't any charge. It is all part of the service.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The town judge grew tired of seeing the same drunk fellow at court every week. One day the judge frowned, looked down at the man, who was still drunk as a skunk, and thundered, 'It is the sentence of this court that you will be executed by electric chair! You will be taken from here to the place of execution. There you will be fixed in the electrical chair to be shocked until death!'
Hearing this, the drunk instantly fainted. The court clerk rushed to give first aid, and looked up at the judge.
The judge shrugged and remarked, 'I have always wanted to try that!'
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The phone rang at FBI headquarters.
'Good morning! I'm calling to report my neighbor, Hughes. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!'
'Good morning sir, thank you very much for the information.'
The next day, FBI agents arrived at neighbor Hughes' house, and soon they found the firewood. Using axes, they busted open every single piece of wood, but did not find marijuana. They swore at the neighbor and left.
The phone rang at the neighbor's house, 'Hey, neighbor Hughes, did the FBI come?'
'Yes, they came here, Steve.'
'And did they chop your firewood?'
'Yes, they did.'
'Cool! I need my garden plowed, so now it is your turn to call!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A wealthy lawyer spent four weeks every year in his luxury treehouse in the hills. Every summer, he invited one of his friends to stay with him for a couple of days. One summer he invited a Czech friend to visit him. They spent a wonderful time there, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.
One morning, as they were picking some berries for their breakfast under the house, two huge bears, a male and a female, approached them. The lawyer had time to run for cover, but his friend wasn't so lucky. The male bear swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Jeep and raced to the town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and they raced back with the lawyer. Luckily, the bears were still under the luxury tree house.
'He is in that one!' yelled the lawyer, pointing at the male.
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his shotgun, took careful aim, and shot the female bear.
'Why did you do that?!' exclaimed the lawyer, 'I said he was in the other bear!'
'Indeed. Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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