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Police Jokes

Two burglars were doing their shady business in a hotel room.
The first one said, 'Hey, I hear sirens. Let's jump!'
The second one replied, 'Hey, we are on the 13th floor!'
The first one was impatient, '13th floor, 13th floor, this is not time of being superstitious!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A motorist got a letter, including a picture of him speeding on the main road, and a $50 speeding ticket. As an answer the motorist sent a picture of $50 to the police department.
The police department responded with another letter, including a picture of handcuffs.
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

While driving along the city two truckers came to a bridge with a sign that read: "CLEARANCE 11'8"
They got out and measured their trucks. The height was 12'6.
'Man, is says "CLEARANCE 11'8". What do you think?' one asked the other.
The other driver looked around carefully, then said, 'I can see no cops. Let's take a chance!'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

A man was lying spread out on four theater seats.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he said, 'Sorry sir, but you are only allowed to sit on one seat.'
The man groaned but didn't move.
The usher became impatient, 'Sorry sir, but if you do not get up from those seats I have to call the manager.'
The man just groaned again, making the usher angry. So he went for the manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned to the man who was lying spread out. They tried to move him, but without any success. Finally, they called the police.
The cop came out and took action, 'Well, my fellow, what's your name?'
'Tim,' the man moaned.
'Where are you from, Tim?'
Tim replied with pain in his voice, '...from the balcony.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A policeman stops a car on the highway, because it was swerving in and out of lanes randomly. He tells the driver to blow into the breathalyzer.
'I am not allowed to do that, officer.'
'Why not?'
'I could get an asthma attack if I blow, I'm an asthmatic.'
'Ok, I can accept that, then we'll get a urine sample at the police station.'
'I can't do that either, I'm sorry.'
'Why not?'
'Because I'm a diabetic. If I pee in a cup, I will not have the correct blood sugar level.'
'Hmm, so, we can get a blood sample.'
'I am not allowed to do that either.'
'Why not?'
'Because I'm a hemophiliac, which means if I give blood I could die.'
'All right then, just walk 10 meters along this white line.'
'I think I cannot do that either.'
'Why not?'
'Because I'm drunk.'
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(So far it's 4.33 point, based on 3 ratings)

A new man was brought to the cell. There was sitting a bearded prisoner, who seemed to be at least 100 years old. The new man looked at the old man with a curious face.
'Look at me. I'm worn out and feeling older than I really am,' he started. 'I used to live the life of Riley, you cannot imagine. I wintered on the French Riviera, had a sailboat, five luxury cars, the most beautiful chicks, and I ate in all the best restaurants.'
The new man asked, 'I could never live the life of Riley, what happened to you?'
'One day Riley reported to the police that his credit cards are missing!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

On a chilly Christmas afternoon, a cop on horseback was waiting at a traffic light. A kid rode next to him on his new, red bike.
The cop said, 'What a nice new, red bike you have there. Is this a gift from Santa?'
The kid replied, 'Yes, it is.'
The cop said, 'Well, tell Santa to put a taillight on that nice red bike next year,' and he gave the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation fine.
The kid took it and asked back, 'This nice horse you have, is this a gift from Santa?'
Humoring the kid, the cop replied, 'Yes, he brought it.'
The kid said, 'Well, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top next year.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

Full-Time Job and Prison Life

While in prison you can watch TV and play games, at work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

While in prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell, at work you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

While in prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you, at work you must carry your security ID and open all the doors yourself.

While in prison you get three meals a day, at work you only get a short break for one meal. Moreover, you have to pay for that one.

While in prison you get time off for good behavior, at work you get rewarded for good behavior with much more work.

While in prison they allow your family and friends to visit, at work you cannot even speak to them.
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

'I am afraid that I am going to have to lock you up for the night,' said the policeman to the drunk man in elf costume.
'What's the charge?' he growled.
'Oh, there isn't any charge. It is all part of the service.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Three blondes were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, their mentor showed the first blonde a picture for three seconds and then hid it.
'Shelly, this was your suspect, how would you recognize him?'
The first blonde answered, 'That is so easy, he will be in our hands quickly because he only has one ear.'
The mentor said, 'Well... that is because the picture shows his profile...'
Frustrated by this ridiculous answer, he showed the picture for three seconds to the second blonde and asked her, 'Sheila, this is your suspect, how would you recognize him?'
The second blonde smiled and said, 'So easy question, we would catch them fast because he only has one eye!'
The mentor angrily responded, 'What on earth is the matter with you two? Of course only one ear and one eye is visible, as this is a picture of his profile!'
He shows the picture to the third blonde finally, desperately hoping that she will reply somewhat satisfactory.
He asked, 'This is the suspect, how would you recognize him?'
He quickly added, 'Think before you also give me a dumb answer.'
The third blonde looked at the picture and said, 'Our suspect wears contact lenses.'
The policeman was speechless and surprised. He rushed to double check the suspect's profile and it turned out that he really wore contact lenses.
'Very well, good job! How did you know that?'
'That is so easy,' the third blonde replied, 'he cannot wear glasses because he only has one ear and one eye.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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