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Other Jokes

One day a man tried parachuting. But unfortunately, things went wrong. We all have ups and downs in life.
Well, he had a parachute. But it didn't work.
Anyway, there was a quite big haystack down below. But there was a pitchfork in that.
Luckily, he missed the pitchfork. But he also missed the haystack.
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 3 ratings)

How life would be like if the world was ruled by men?

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps".

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be an acceptable response to "I love you".

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for being late.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 15 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every insolent answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same, but it would be celebrated every month.

Telephones would automatically cut off after a minute of conversation.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Affirmations for the New Year:

- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

- Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

- I need not suffer in silence while I can still complain, moan and whimper.

- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second step is to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step. Which is blaming my parents.

- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
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For the first time two tribes were visiting each other. The elders were sitting around the fire during the friendly visit.
The leader of one tribe wanted to make a small talk so he started, 'Last night I didn't sleep well.'
To demonstrate it he put his hands to his head and gestured like horns.
He continued, 'The big horned owl kept me awake.'
At that the elders of the other tribe came over to shake his hand.
'Oh, what did I say?' looked the surprised leader at his elders.
'Well, I think you just gave away our bull!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Q: What's the perfect Valentine's Day present if you want to break-up?
A: The book: Sex for Dummies.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Some stuff you will never hear at a Star Trek convention:

"Hey, guys, how about we finish this conversation at the topless bar over a beer?"

"If you think the brie is good, you should try the salmon pate."

"You're nuts. Swimming is the hardest part of any Iron Man competition."

"I got laid yesterday!"

"It's no use to compare the original crew to the Next Generation, since they are only fictional characters anyway."

"Does this Star Fleet Academy uniform make me look chubby?"
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

One benefit of getting older is that your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
One benefit of getting older is that kidnappers aren't very interested in you.
One benefit of getting older is that your secrets are safe with your friends because they cannot remember them either.
One benefit of getting older is that your eyes won't get much worse.
One benefit of getting older is that no one expects you to run into a burning building.
One benefit of getting older is that there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
One benefit of getting older is that your joints are more precise than the National Weather Service.
One benefit of getting older is that in a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Q: Why does not blind people enjoy skydiving?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
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(So far it's 4.33 point, based on 3 ratings)

Three old ladies were talking in the hall of a retirement home. The first lady said, 'You know, I have serious memory problems. Today I was standing at the bottom of the stairs and I could not remember if I was just about to go up or if I had just come down.'
'Oh, that is literally nothing!' said the second lady. 'I have more serious memory problems. Yesterday I was sitting on the edge of my bed, wondering if I was going to sleep or if I had just gotten up.'
The third lady smiled at the other two and started, 'Well, my memory is just as good as ever, no problems, knock on wood.' She knocked on the table three times with her finger. Then she looked around and asked, 'Who's there?'
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Q: What happens when you put the AA batteries backwards into the Energizer Bunny?
A: The plush bunny keeps coming and coming and coming!
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(So far it's 4.33 point, based on 3 ratings)

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