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Q: Can you tell me what is the definition of cheeky?
A: Sure. Imagine pissing through your neighbor's letter box and asking them how far did it went a few minutes later.
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How life would be like if the world was ruled by men?

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps".

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be an acceptable response to "I love you".

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for being late.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 15 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every insolent answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same, but it would be celebrated every month.

Telephones would automatically cut off after a minute of conversation.
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One day three nuns are called to the priests chambers. The priest tells them they can do whatever they want for one day since they have been good, kind and helpful for the religious community. Next day the priest calls the nuns back. He asks what they did.
The first nun says, 'I had sex with three men at one time.'
The priest says, 'Quickly drink from the holy water to get forgiveness!'
The second nun says, 'I robbed a bank for $60,000.'
The priest says, 'Quickly drink from the holy water to get forgiveness!'
The priest turns to the third nun, 'What sin did you commit?'
The third nun says, 'I pissed in the holy water.'
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You know you are Italian when:

1. You can bench press 300 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

2. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit 2 sandwiches, pizzelles, 3 bananas, 3 oranges into a regular lunch bag.

3. Your plumber, lawyer, electrician, mechanic, travel agent and accountant are all your cousins.

4. You have at least four cousins living in the same town or street. And all four of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

5. There are more than 25 people in your bridal party.

6. You netted more than $40,000 on your first communion.

7. Your mom's meatballs are the best.

8. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

9. Plastic on the furniture is normal.

10. Only fish on Christmas Eve.
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Be careful, because below things are NOT considered as Valentine's Day Gifts:

1. Cash
2. Gift card
3. Anything you could have bought at the gas station on your way - even if you did not.
4. A box of chocolates, rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the liquor-filled ones.
5. A look and the words: "Oh honey, that was today?"
6. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop or even worse, a mortuary's.
7. Any food item with the words on the label: diet, light, high fiber.
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Three old ladies were talking in the hall of a retirement home. The first lady said, 'You know, I have serious memory problems. Today I was standing at the bottom of the stairs and I could not remember if I was just about to go up or if I had just come down.'
'Oh, that is literally nothing!' said the second lady. 'I have more serious memory problems. Yesterday I was sitting on the edge of my bed, wondering if I was going to sleep or if I had just gotten up.'
The third lady smiled at the other two and started, 'Well, my memory is just as good as ever, no problems, knock on wood.' She knocked on the table three times with her finger. Then she looked around and asked, 'Who's there?'
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Some stuff you will never hear at a Star Trek convention:

"Hey, guys, how about we finish this conversation at the topless bar over a beer?"

"If you think the brie is good, you should try the salmon pate."

"You're nuts. Swimming is the hardest part of any Iron Man competition."

"I got laid yesterday!"

"It's no use to compare the original crew to the Next Generation, since they are only fictional characters anyway."

"Does this Star Fleet Academy uniform make me look chubby?"
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Q: Where can you find dog with no legs?
A: Exactly where you left him.
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Funny Advice Collection for Valentine's Day:

1. Do not give the exact same Valentine's Day card you gave your partner last year.
2. Never buy the wrong brand/size of anything.
3. Remember to wear clean underwear.
4. Never buy your partner household appliances for Valentine's Day.
5.Do not tell your date you forgot your wallet - again.
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Affirmations for the New Year:

- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

- Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

- I need not suffer in silence while I can still complain, moan and whimper.

- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second step is to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step. Which is blaming my parents.

- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
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