Other Jokes

Three old ladies were talking in the hall of a retirement home. The first lady said, 'You know, I have serious memory problems. Today I was standing at the bottom of the stairs and I could not remember if I was just about to go up or if I had just come down.'
'Oh, that is literally nothing!' said the second lady. 'I have more serious memory problems. Yesterday I was sitting on the edge of my bed, wondering if I was going to sleep or if I had just gotten up.'
The third lady smiled at the other two and started, 'Well, my memory is just as good as ever, no problems, knock on wood.' She knocked on the table three times with her finger. Then she looked around and asked, 'Who's there?'

Q: Can you tell me what is the definition of cheeky?
A: Sure. Imagine pissing through your neighbor's letter box and asking them how far did it went a few minutes later.

Q: Where can you find dog with no legs?
A: Exactly where you left him.

A guy goes to his girlfriend's house for the first time. They enter the living room. She goes to the kitchen to make them a drink. As he is standing there alone, he notices a handmade vase on the table. He picks it up to have look. When the girlfriend comes back, he asks, 'What's this?'
She says, 'Oh, my father's ashes are in that handmade vase.'
He turns beat red in horror and goes, 'Jesus, ...er... oh, I didn't...'
She says, 'Yeah. He is too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.'

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When sign makers go on strike, what kind of picket signs they have?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter. Nobody listens.

Perfect Valentine's Day gifts to him:

1. Leave the toilet seat up.
2. Don't cut your hair.
3. Ask for what you want, do not leave hints.
4. Remind him about the important dates frequently, beforehand.
5. Let him to answer every question with a simple yes or no.
6. Avoid "headache".
7. Do not ask him about your weight gain.
8. Do not ask him about his weight gain.
9. If you ask him to do something do not tell how.
10. Whatever you have to say, say that during commercials.
11. Do not bother him with your dress or shoe choices.
12. It is neither in your best interest or his to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Q: What happens when you put the AA batteries backwards into the Energizer Bunny?
A: The plush bunny keeps coming and coming and coming!

What not to say on a Valentine's date:

- It has been tough, but I have come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

- I really feel that I have grown in the past few months. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

- I never said you need a nose job... I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

- I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

- I used to come here all the time with my ex.

- I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask kindly.

- Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

One day three nuns are called to the priests chambers. The priest tells them they can do whatever they want for one day since they have been good, kind and helpful for the religious community. Next day the priest calls the nuns back. He asks what they did.
The first nun says, 'I had sex with three men at one time.'
The priest says, 'Quickly drink from the holy water to get forgiveness!'
The second nun says, 'I robbed a bank for $60,000.'
The priest says, 'Quickly drink from the holy water to get forgiveness!'
The priest turns to the third nun, 'What sin did you commit?'
The third nun says, 'I pissed in the holy water.'

You know you are Italian when:

1. You can bench press 300 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

2. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit 2 sandwiches, pizzelles, 3 bananas, 3 oranges into a regular lunch bag.

3. Your plumber, lawyer, electrician, mechanic, travel agent and accountant are all your cousins.

4. You have at least four cousins living in the same town or street. And all four of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

5. There are more than 25 people in your bridal party.

6. You netted more than $40,000 on your first communion.

7. Your mom's meatballs are the best.

8. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

9. Plastic on the furniture is normal.

10. Only fish on Christmas Eve.