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Other Jokes

'Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine's Day?' asked the Boy Monster.
'Yes, I did,' replied the Girl Monster.
'Is it still beating?' asked the Boy Monster.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Funny Advice Collection for Valentine's Day:

1. Do not give the exact same Valentine's Day card you gave your partner last year.
2. Never buy the wrong brand/size of anything.
3. Remember to wear clean underwear.
4. Never buy your partner household appliances for Valentine's Day.
5.Do not tell your date you forgot your wallet - again.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Adam asked God, 'Why did you make Eve so beautiful?'
God replied, 'So you would love her.'
Adam kept asking, 'But God, once Eve is so beautiful, why did you make her so dumb?'
God replied, 'So she would love you, Adam.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

One day a man tried parachuting. But unfortunately, things went wrong. We all have ups and downs in life.
Well, he had a parachute. But it didn't work.
Anyway, there was a quite big haystack down below. But there was a pitchfork in that.
Luckily, he missed the pitchfork. But he also missed the haystack.
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 3 ratings)

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When sign makers go on strike, what kind of picket signs they have?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter. Nobody listens.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Affirmations for the New Year:

- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

- Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

- I need not suffer in silence while I can still complain, moan and whimper.

- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second step is to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step. Which is blaming my parents.

- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Here is a list of Valentine's Day gifts and their meaning. Use it wisely.

1. A heartfelt poem:
You are a romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the beauty and power of the written word, your handwriting expresses your loving soul.
OR: You are used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the beauty and power of the written word.

2. A box of candy:
You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share.
OR: You're a selfish chocoholic who values sugar high over everything, even true love and health.

3. Flower bouquet:
You love the scent of flowers, beauty of nature and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture.
OR: You get some twisted satisfaction out of watching vegetation wither and die.

4. Dinner and dance
You enjoy the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight and the company of the significant other.
OR: You are easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns on the dance floor.

5. Waffle iron
You are a practical person who believes in gifts that you can actually use.
OR: You have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant fetish involving household appliances.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Three old ladies were talking in the hall of a retirement home. The first lady said, 'You know, I have serious memory problems. Today I was standing at the bottom of the stairs and I could not remember if I was just about to go up or if I had just come down.'
'Oh, that is literally nothing!' said the second lady. 'I have more serious memory problems. Yesterday I was sitting on the edge of my bed, wondering if I was going to sleep or if I had just gotten up.'
The third lady smiled at the other two and started, 'Well, my memory is just as good as ever, no problems, knock on wood.' She knocked on the table three times with her finger. Then she looked around and asked, 'Who's there?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

What happens when people of different occupations get old?
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old drivers never die, they just lose their drive.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old car mechanic never die, they just retire.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

One benefit of getting older is that your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
One benefit of getting older is that kidnappers aren't very interested in you.
One benefit of getting older is that your secrets are safe with your friends because they cannot remember them either.
One benefit of getting older is that your eyes won't get much worse.
One benefit of getting older is that no one expects you to run into a burning building.
One benefit of getting older is that there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
One benefit of getting older is that your joints are more precise than the National Weather Service.
One benefit of getting older is that in a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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