Other Jokes

For the first time two tribes were visiting each other. The elders were sitting around the fire during the friendly visit.
The leader of one tribe wanted to make a small talk so he started, 'Last night I didn't sleep well.'
To demonstrate it he put his hands to his head and gestured like horns.
He continued, 'The big horned owl kept me awake.'
At that the elders of the other tribe came over to shake his hand.
'Oh, what did I say?' looked the surprised leader at his elders.
'Well, I think you just gave away our bull!'

Some stuff you will never hear at a Star Trek convention:

"Hey, guys, how about we finish this conversation at the topless bar over a beer?"

"If you think the brie is good, you should try the salmon pate."

"You're nuts. Swimming is the hardest part of any Iron Man competition."

"I got laid yesterday!"

"It's no use to compare the original crew to the Next Generation, since they are only fictional characters anyway."

"Does this Star Fleet Academy uniform make me look chubby?"

Perfect Valentine's Day gifts to him:

1. Leave the toilet seat up.
2. Don't cut your hair.
3. Ask for what you want, do not leave hints.
4. Remind him about the important dates frequently, beforehand.
5. Let him to answer every question with a simple yes or no.
6. Avoid "headache".
7. Do not ask him about your weight gain.
8. Do not ask him about his weight gain.
9. If you ask him to do something do not tell how.
10. Whatever you have to say, say that during commercials.
11. Do not bother him with your dress or shoe choices.
12. It is neither in your best interest or his to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Affirmations for the New Year:

- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

- Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

- I need not suffer in silence while I can still complain, moan and whimper.

- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second step is to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step. Which is blaming my parents.

- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

A guy goes to his girlfriend's house for the first time. They enter the living room. She goes to the kitchen to make them a drink. As he is standing there alone, he notices a handmade vase on the table. He picks it up to have look. When the girlfriend comes back, he asks, 'What's this?'
She says, 'Oh, my father's ashes are in that handmade vase.'
He turns beat red in horror and goes, 'Jesus, ...er... oh, I didn't...'
She says, 'Yeah. He is too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.'

One day a man tried parachuting. But unfortunately, things went wrong. We all have ups and downs in life.
Well, he had a parachute. But it didn't work.
Anyway, there was a quite big haystack down below. But there was a pitchfork in that.
Luckily, he missed the pitchfork. But he also missed the haystack.

You know you are Italian when:

1. You can bench press 300 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

2. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit 2 sandwiches, pizzelles, 3 bananas, 3 oranges into a regular lunch bag.

3. Your plumber, lawyer, electrician, mechanic, travel agent and accountant are all your cousins.

4. You have at least four cousins living in the same town or street. And all four of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

5. There are more than 25 people in your bridal party.

6. You netted more than $40,000 on your first communion.

7. Your mom's meatballs are the best.

8. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

9. Plastic on the furniture is normal.

10. Only fish on Christmas Eve.

What happens when people of different occupations get old?
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old drivers never die, they just lose their drive.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old car mechanic never die, they just retire.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

Q: What happens when you put the AA batteries backwards into the Energizer Bunny?
A: The plush bunny keeps coming and coming and coming!

One benefit of getting older is that your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
One benefit of getting older is that kidnappers aren't very interested in you.
One benefit of getting older is that your secrets are safe with your friends because they cannot remember them either.
One benefit of getting older is that your eyes won't get much worse.
One benefit of getting older is that no one expects you to run into a burning building.
One benefit of getting older is that there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
One benefit of getting older is that your joints are more precise than the National Weather Service.
One benefit of getting older is that in a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.