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Other Jokes

Q: What's the perfect Valentine's Day present if you want to break-up?
A: The book: Sex for Dummies.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Funny Advice Collection for Valentine's Day:

1. Do not give the exact same Valentine's Day card you gave your partner last year.
2. Never buy the wrong brand/size of anything.
3. Remember to wear clean underwear.
4. Never buy your partner household appliances for Valentine's Day.
5.Do not tell your date you forgot your wallet - again.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

One day a man tried parachuting. But unfortunately, things went wrong. We all have ups and downs in life.
Well, he had a parachute. But it didn't work.
Anyway, there was a quite big haystack down below. But there was a pitchfork in that.
Luckily, he missed the pitchfork. But he also missed the haystack.
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 3 ratings)

Q: Where can you find dog with no legs?
A: Exactly where you left him.
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Q: Can you tell me what is the definition of cheeky?
A: Sure. Imagine pissing through your neighbor's letter box and asking them how far did it went a few minutes later.
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Adam asked God, 'Why did you make Eve so beautiful?'
God replied, 'So you would love her.'
Adam kept asking, 'But God, once Eve is so beautiful, why did you make her so dumb?'
God replied, 'So she would love you, Adam.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Affirmations for the New Year:

- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

- Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

- I need not suffer in silence while I can still complain, moan and whimper.

- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second step is to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step. Which is blaming my parents.

- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
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Some stuff you will never hear at a Star Trek convention:

"Hey, guys, how about we finish this conversation at the topless bar over a beer?"

"If you think the brie is good, you should try the salmon pate."

"You're nuts. Swimming is the hardest part of any Iron Man competition."

"I got laid yesterday!"

"It's no use to compare the original crew to the Next Generation, since they are only fictional characters anyway."

"Does this Star Fleet Academy uniform make me look chubby?"
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(So far it's 3.33 point, based on 3 ratings)

Q: What happens when you put the AA batteries backwards into the Energizer Bunny?
A: The plush bunny keeps coming and coming and coming!
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(So far it's 4.33 point, based on 3 ratings)

One day three nuns are called to the priests chambers. The priest tells them they can do whatever they want for one day since they have been good, kind and helpful for the religious community. Next day the priest calls the nuns back. He asks what they did.
The first nun says, 'I had sex with three men at one time.'
The priest says, 'Quickly drink from the holy water to get forgiveness!'
The second nun says, 'I robbed a bank for $60,000.'
The priest says, 'Quickly drink from the holy water to get forgiveness!'
The priest turns to the third nun, 'What sin did you commit?'
The third nun says, 'I pissed in the holy water.'
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