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Other Jokes

What not to say on a Valentine's date:

- It has been tough, but I have come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

- I really feel that I have grown in the past few months. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

- I never said you need a nose job... I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

- I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

- I used to come here all the time with my ex.

- I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask kindly.

- Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

One day three nuns are called to the priests chambers. The priest tells them they can do whatever they want for one day since they have been good, kind and helpful for the religious community. Next day the priest calls the nuns back. He asks what they did.
The first nun says, 'I had sex with three men at one time.'
The priest says, 'Quickly drink from the holy water to get forgiveness!'
The second nun says, 'I robbed a bank for $60,000.'
The priest says, 'Quickly drink from the holy water to get forgiveness!'
The priest turns to the third nun, 'What sin did you commit?'
The third nun says, 'I pissed in the holy water.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 3 ratings)

A guy goes to his girlfriend's house for the first time. They enter the living room. She goes to the kitchen to make them a drink. As he is standing there alone, he notices a handmade vase on the table. He picks it up to have look. When the girlfriend comes back, he asks, 'What's this?'
She says, 'Oh, my father's ashes are in that handmade vase.'
He turns beat red in horror and goes, 'Jesus, ...er... oh, I didn't...'
She says, 'Yeah. He is too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.'
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(So far it's 4.67 point, based on 3 ratings)

Funny Advice Collection for Valentine's Day:

1. Do not give the exact same Valentine's Day card you gave your partner last year.
2. Never buy the wrong brand/size of anything.
3. Remember to wear clean underwear.
4. Never buy your partner household appliances for Valentine's Day.
5.Do not tell your date you forgot your wallet - again.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Q: Why does not blind people enjoy skydiving?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
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(So far it's 4.33 point, based on 3 ratings)

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When sign makers go on strike, what kind of picket signs they have?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter. Nobody listens.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Here is a list of Valentine's Day gifts and their meaning. Use it wisely.

1. A heartfelt poem:
You are a romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the beauty and power of the written word, your handwriting expresses your loving soul.
OR: You are used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the beauty and power of the written word.

2. A box of candy:
You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share.
OR: You're a selfish chocoholic who values sugar high over everything, even true love and health.

3. Flower bouquet:
You love the scent of flowers, beauty of nature and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture.
OR: You get some twisted satisfaction out of watching vegetation wither and die.

4. Dinner and dance
You enjoy the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight and the company of the significant other.
OR: You are easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns on the dance floor.

5. Waffle iron
You are a practical person who believes in gifts that you can actually use.
OR: You have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant fetish involving household appliances.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Affirmations for the New Year:

- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

- Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

- I need not suffer in silence while I can still complain, moan and whimper.

- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second step is to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step. Which is blaming my parents.

- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
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Q: Can you tell me what is the definition of cheeky?
A: Sure. Imagine pissing through your neighbor's letter box and asking them how far did it went a few minutes later.
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For the first time two tribes were visiting each other. The elders were sitting around the fire during the friendly visit.
The leader of one tribe wanted to make a small talk so he started, 'Last night I didn't sleep well.'
To demonstrate it he put his hands to his head and gestured like horns.
He continued, 'The big horned owl kept me awake.'
At that the elders of the other tribe came over to shake his hand.
'Oh, what did I say?' looked the surprised leader at his elders.
'Well, I think you just gave away our bull!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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