Office Jokes

"Who believes in life after death?" asked the manager his team members.
"I believe in life after death." the new hire replied.
"Well, that explains everything" the manager continued, "You left after lunch yesterday to attend your grandfather's funeral ceremony, but in the afternoon he dropped in to visit you."

You will never tell these to the boss:

1. I like my name to be popular in conversations, so if you do not like my work, tell everyone.

2. If you think my performance is outstanding, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.

3. If you give me several jobs to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

4. If I have to follow special instructions for a job, do not write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

5. Always wait until 17 PM with giving some work for me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.

6. Do your best at keeping me late in the office. I like my workplace and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If it's really an urgent job, just run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to ask how it's going. That will improve my efficiency.

Honest cover letter can be your thing. It is not so bad being honest, after all. Don't be afraid to include these into your motivation letter:

1. It is the best for employers that I do not work with people.
2. Let's meet in person, so you can say "Oooh" and "Aaah" over my experience.
3. Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details ever.
4. Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments!
5. I procrastinate. Especially when the job is unpleasant.

There's this Witch who worked in an office. Everything was satisfactory except that her colleagues, taking advantage of her good nature, would steal her parking spot. This continued until she put up the following sign: "This is the parking space of the Witch - Violators will be toad."

My manager came in one morning and caught me hugging my pretty, new intern. He said in a rage, 'Really? Is this what you get paid for?'
I replied, 'No! I do this for free!'

Being punctual in our office was never a plus. Our pretty, new intern learned that quickly, as there was never anybody around to appreciate it.

Once I met a pretty, new intern standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face.
'Do you need any help?' I asked politely.
She said, 'Yes, how does this thing work?'
I took the documents from her hand and demonstrated how the shredder works. She stood there a moment with a more confused expression.
So I asked, 'Do you have any questions?'
She said, 'Yes, exactly where do the copies come out from?'

How to annoy people in the elevator?
1. Ask everyone's e-mail address, then tell them there are too many dots in it.
2. When the elevator doors close, exclaim confidently, 'Stay calm folks, the doors will open again shortly.'
3. In the elevator press all of the buttons when you get out. It is more efficient when other people are still in it.
4. Stand at the front of the elevator, facing the back. (You may be followed if you are the first person)
5. Introduce your imaginary friends, and have a free conversation with them.
6. Exclaim in the elevator, 'Oh, no, again, it's started raining,' then open your umbrella. (You can open one for the imaginary friends, too)

Jones went to see his line manager to arrange a holiday request.
"Peter," he said, "we are going to do some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow at home. My dear wife needs me to help with the moving and hauling of the furniture. I would like to fill a form for my holiday request."
"We are rather short-handed, I just cannot approve your holiday request," the manager replied.
"Thank you Peter," said Jones, "I knew I could count on you!"

At the end of the job interview, the interviewer asked the graduate "And what is your starting salary expectation?"
The candidate said, "Well, my salary expectation is around $130,000 a year, depending on the fringe benefits."
The interviewer replied, "I see. What about adding 2-months paid vacation, full dental and medical contribution, company mobile, and a Mustang to your staring salary expectation?"
The graduate cheered up, "Wow! It is just amazing! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer said, "Absolutely, but you started it."

You know it is your last day at work, when a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, 'I helped the last ugly, fat, wrinkled lady. This one is your turn.'
And your boss is standing right behind you.
And it is his wife.

A company sent the online order to the supplier. The total price was exceptional. The supplier noticed that the previous invoice hadn't been paid. Therefore they sent an e-mail, explaining that they can only deliver the online order if they pay the previous invoice first.
The reply arrived soon: "Please in this case cancel the order. We cannot wait that long."