Military Jokes

The family gathered for a Sunday lunch together. When they finished the youngest son announced that he would like to join the army and had just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were loud gasps around the table, and his brothers started to tease him.
'Join the army, oh, come on Bobby, stop joking!' laughed one. 'You did not really sign up, did you?'
The other continued, 'You would never ever get through the basic training at the army,' snickered the other brother.
The new recruit looked to his mother, hoping she will help. She was just gazing at him and when she finally simply asked, 'Could you really make your own bed every morning?'

After World War II, an American soldier was travelling back home from the front. The train was very crowded, but he tried to find a seat. There was one empty, next to an elderly lady, who had her pet westie on it.
He asked, 'Please, madam, excuse me. I am very tired. May I please sit there?
The lady replied, 'No. As you can see, my precious little westie, Miss Whitey is sitting there.'
The soldier walked through the train again without any luck. He turned to the elderly lady again, 'Please, madam, I have been fighting at the front for long months. My feet hurt and I am extremely tired. Could I please sit there?'
The lady replied, 'How rude you are! It is unbelievable! My darling little Miss Whitey is sitting there.'
Now the American soldier lost his temper. He picked up the westie and threw it out the window.
An old man, who saw the whole situation, looked at the American soldier and said, 'You Americans do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road. Now you have thrown the wrong bitch out the window...'

The rookie reported to the captain, 'There's trouble with the new cruiser tank. It has water in the engine bay.'
'Water in the engine bay of the new cruiser tank? That's ridiculous,' replied the captain.
'Sir, I have to report that the trouble is real, there is water in the new cruiser tank.'
'Son, you don't even know what is the engine like in a cruiser tank. I will check it out. Where is it?'
The rookie replied, 'In the lake!'

The general had to stay in the military hospital for treatment. He had a minor infection. For almost a week he was unbelievably rude, both to staff and other patients. He demanded 24/7 attention, and expected his orders to be followed immediately.
He was in a five-man room rather than a private room, his meals were always too cold or too hot, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime visits interfered with his rest and on, and on.
One afternoon an assistant entered the room.
'It's time to take your temperature, General. Sorry, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.'
A whole new wave of verbal abuse followed, but the general at last rolled over and allowed the assistant to take his temperature.
'Okay, now stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in three minutes to check up on you,' said the assistant and withdrew.
About an hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, 'What the heck is going on here?'
'Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?' the general growled.
'Yes I have, General, but with a snapdragon flower?'

Jack was a military pilot. He was in charge of holding the induction training for the new recruits. He had to explain them the government benefits and life insurance advantages, especially their GI insurance. He had the highest success-rate, he could sell the insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits. Captain Cornell wanted to know his secret, so he stood in the back of the room and listened to Jack's sales pitch.
Jack explained general life insurance advantages and the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, 'If you have GI Insurance and you get killed on the battlefield, the government has to pay $300,000 to your beneficiaries. If you do not have GI insurance, and you get killed on the battlefield, the government only has to pay a maximum of $5000.'
As a summary he asked, 'Now, which group will be sent to the battlefield first?'

A fresh naval student was tested by an old sea captain.
'What would you do if a storm broke out on the starboard?'
'I would throw out the anchor, sir,' the student answered.
'What would you do if another storm broke out aft?'
'I would throw out the anchor, another one, sir!'
'And if another sudden storm broke out forward, what would you do then?' continued the old sea captain.
'Throw out another anchor, sir.'
'Tell me, from were are you getting all those anchors from?'
'From the same place you are getting your storms, sir.'

A Frenchman, an Englishman a Polack were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was kind towards them.
'I am going to lock you away for seven years, gentlemen. But, I will let you choose something for yourself before you are thrown into prison,' he offered.
The Frenchman started, 'I want seven years' supply of wine!'
His wish was granted, and he was thrown into prison with his wine.
The Englishman said, 'I want seven years' supply of beer!'
His wish was granted, and he was thrown into prison with his beer.
The Polack said, 'I want seven years' supply of cigarettes!'
His wish was granted, and he was thrown into prison with his cigarettes.
Seven years later, the Germans came to release the prisoners. First, they released the Frenchman, who staggered out totally drunk.
Then, they released the Englishman, who also rolled out drunk. After they released the Polack, who came out and asked, 'Has anyone got a light?'

An Army man and a Navy man were driving opposite directions on a loopy mountain road.
The Navy man hit a patch of small stones, swerved, and nailed the Army man's car. They both got out of their cars with no harm. Their vehicles were extremely ruined in spite of that.
Needless to say, the rivalry between Army and Navy was well known. A loud argument followed the accident on the loopy mountain road.
Then suddenly the Army man changed heart and said, 'Hey, hey, this is so dumb. It was an accident. Let's put our rivalry behind us!'
The Navy man agreed finally, so the Army man offered, 'Let's celebrate our new friendship over a vodka! I have a bottle in the car.'
He gave it to the Navy man, saying drink first, as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone. He offered the bottle back.
'Thanks, but I think I will wait for the cops!'

Two men are approaching each other in the city. Both are dragging their left foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other friendly, points to his left foot and says, 'Iraq, 2003.'
The other points behind himself and says, 'Dog shit, 10 feet back.'

Two famous warriors, a general and an admiral were fishing together. A sudden squall came up, and when it died down both famous warriors were struggling clumsily in the water.
The admiral managed to pull himself back into the boat after his helpless gasps. Using an oar he could help out the general.
'If the sea force found I can't swim I'd be disgraced. Please, please, don't say a word about this accident to anyone,' begged the admiral.
'Your secret is safe. Do not worry,' the general replied, 'I would hate to have my men find out I cannot walk on water.'