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Military Jokes

A Navy kid and an Army kid were boasting about their fathers,
'My daddy is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Andes?' the Army kid asked.
'Yes,' answered the Navy kid.
'My daddy built them.'
Then the Navy kid asked, 'Do you know the Dead Sea?'
'Yes.'
'It's my daddy who's killed it!'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A huge fleet of the English army went up to fight their battle on the hill. But, from the bottom, where there was a forest, a voice yelled, 'One Irishman can defeat the whole English fleet!'
The king was outraged. Instead of having the battle on the hill, he sent three of his best knights down. After a few minutes of sword clashing and screaming everything was silent.
'One Irishman can defeat the whole English fleet!' yelled the voice again.
The king was so furious that he sent ten of his knights down. There were screams again, noises, then all was quiet.
'One Irishman can defeat the whole English fleet!' yelled the voice again.
The king was out of his mind. This was not his planned battle on the hill, in his fury he sent the remaining of his fleet down to the forest. There were screams and clashing of swords again. And again, everything was quiet.
Then, one of his knights came back up the hill, ragged and bruised, his right arm had been chopped off but he knelt before his king and said, 'My king, they tricked us! There were not one, but two of them!'
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(So far it's 4.67 point, based on 3 ratings)

Little grandson asked, 'When you were in the Army and were on sentry duty at night, grandpa, were you afraid?'
'I was, my little one, but only until I fell asleep.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Late one afternoon, at Area 51 a Cessna landed. The soldiers at the secret base immediately seized the aircraft and took the pilot into an interrogation room.
'I took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted this base. I was about to run out of fuel, so I landed,' said the pilot innocently.
The Air Force started a full FBI and Interpol background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they finally proved that the pilot really was lost and was not a spy. So they let him continue his way, but threatened him and ordered him not to talk about the secret base.
The day after that the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the soldiers at the secret base surrounded the airplane. This time there were two people in it.
The same pilot jumped out and said, 'Do anything you want with me, but my wife is in the plane. And you have to tell her where I was last night!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A Frenchman, an Englishman a Polack were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was kind towards them.
'I am going to lock you away for seven years, gentlemen. But, I will let you choose something for yourself before you are thrown into prison,' he offered.
The Frenchman started, 'I want seven years' supply of wine!'
His wish was granted, and he was thrown into prison with his wine.
The Englishman said, 'I want seven years' supply of beer!'
His wish was granted, and he was thrown into prison with his beer.
The Polack said, 'I want seven years' supply of cigarettes!'
His wish was granted, and he was thrown into prison with his cigarettes.
Seven years later, the Germans came to release the prisoners. First, they released the Frenchman, who staggered out totally drunk.
Then, they released the Englishman, who also rolled out drunk. After they released the Polack, who came out and asked, 'Has anyone got a light?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

An English, a French and a Polish soldier were running away from the German soldiers. They decided to hide in the forest, climbing up to different trees.
When the Germans arrived, they went to the first tree where the English guy was hiding, and shouted, 'Hey, we know you're up there! Come down right now!'
The English soldier was thinking fast and said, 'Twit, twit, twit, twit...!'
The German soldiers moved on, thinking that was only a bird. They stood to the next tree, where the French guy was hiding.
'Hey, we know you're up there! Come down right now!' they shouted.
The French soldier was also a fast-thinker, and said, 'Woo, woo, woo, woo...!'
The Germans moved on, thinking that was only an owl. They stood to the next tree, where the Polish soldier was hiding.
'Hey, we know you're up there! Come down right now!' they shouted.
The Polish guy was thinking for a while, but finally said, 'Moo, moo, moo, moo...!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

'I guess when I die you will come and dance on my grave,' said the drill sergeant to one of his cadets.
'Not me,' he protested, 'I promised myself that once I leave the army I will never stand in another line!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Two famous warriors, a general and an admiral were fishing together. A sudden squall came up, and when it died down both famous warriors were struggling clumsily in the water.
The admiral managed to pull himself back into the boat after his helpless gasps. Using an oar he could help out the general.
'If the sea force found I can't swim I'd be disgraced. Please, please, don't say a word about this accident to anyone,' begged the admiral.
'Your secret is safe. Do not worry,' the general replied, 'I would hate to have my men find out I cannot walk on water.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The general had to stay in the military hospital for treatment. He had a minor infection. For almost a week he was unbelievably rude, both to staff and other patients. He demanded 24/7 attention, and expected his orders to be followed immediately.
He was in a five-man room rather than a private room, his meals were always too cold or too hot, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime visits interfered with his rest and on, and on.
One afternoon an assistant entered the room.
'It's time to take your temperature, General. Sorry, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.'
A whole new wave of verbal abuse followed, but the general at last rolled over and allowed the assistant to take his temperature.
'Okay, now stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in three minutes to check up on you,' said the assistant and withdrew.
About an hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, 'What the heck is going on here?'
'Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?' the general growled.
'Yes I have, General, but with a snapdragon flower?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Luke, the farm boy was drafted. After some months, on his first furlough he went home. His father asked him what was his opinion about the life in the army.
'Pa, it is pretty good, I can say. The food is not bad, the work is easy. The best thing in my life in the army that they let me sleep real late in the morning!'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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