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Military Jokes

A retired soldier was looking for a new job. He found one he was interested in, so went for a job interview.
'Do you have any military experience?' asked the interviewer.
'Well, I have been in the Army for a couple of years,' he replied.
'Do you have any disabilities to mention?'
The soldier looked at his crotch and replied shakily, 'It happened in Vietnam... I had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles.'
The interviewer was shocked and said, 'All right, all right, you are hired. Please report to work on Monday at ten o'clock.'
The soldier knew that this was not a usual starting time so he asked, 'Excuse me, when do the others start? I do not want special conditions because of disability.'
The interviewer replied kindly, 'You know... I'll tell you the truth. Everyone comes at seven in the morning, but nothing gets done until ten. All we do is stand and sit around, scratching our balls, trying to figure out what to do.'
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An army soldier, a navy seal and a marine died. They went to heaven, where St. Peter was waiting for them. He was not sure if he could let them in due to their vulgar and fickle lifestyles. Finally he decided to let them in, but gave a strict warning not to have dirty thoughts or they would lose their shiny white wings and would burn in hell.
As they walked in, St. Peter sent a cute blonde angel to test them. As the blonde angel bent over and grabbed her ankles, the marine and the navy seal lost their shiny white wings. As they bent over to pick up their wings from the ground, the army soldier lost his.
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Q: What can do the the work of a hundred men?
A: Two hundred soldiers.
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During the war I was a colonel. I routinely visited different military bases to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was at an intelligence military base. There each crew member was surrounded by complex gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen and explained, 'This is a chat screen, sir. We use it on this intelligence military base to share enemy information to the crew. It's like instant messaging.'
Nodding, I moved down the line, and I saw one screen on which there was a flashing warning: "Heads up! The colonel is coming around!"
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A marine and a navy seal walk into the restroom. The marine washed his hands and the navy seal just walked out. The marine walks to him and says, 'In the marine they teach us to wash our hands.'
The navy seal says, 'In the navy the teach us not to piss on our hands.'
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The soldiers were exhausted and lonely after spending long weeks in the enemy's territory. To entertain the poor military boys, the commander arranged a sexy dancer.
She came one night and started her dance. When the first dance was finished, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for five minutes at least.
For her second dance, she stripped and danced in her red bra and thong. This time the applause went for more than ten minutes.
The third dance was a topless one. This time the applause went on and on. The commander had to come on stage and ask his poor military boys to calm down for the finale.
The sexy dancer stripped completely and danced naked. The commander expected the soldiers to make huge noise which brings the roof down.
But minutes later, there was no clapping at all, and the dancer came backstage.
'What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?' asked the commander.
She replied with a wide smile, 'How do you expect those poor military boys to clap with one hand?'
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A warship of marines was sailing when they come upon an island where a sailor was relaxing under a palm tree. When he saw the warship, he started insulting the marines, saying he could beat the crap out of them them all in close combat. The captain sent there his best man, in his anger, to teach the sailor a lesson. The sailor beat the crap out of the best marine in no time, looked back at the warship, and continued teasing them. The captain sent over fifteen men to get revenge on the sailor. He quickly ran into the bushes. The marines followed.
Sounds of yelling and fighting filled the air. One marine, badly beaten, came back and gasped, 'Captain, it is a trap! There are TWO of them!'
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The Navy, the Marines, the Army and the Air Force are not speaking the same language. That is why they cannot communicate efficiently. As an example, let's take the simple phrase: "Secure the building".
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock all the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up the headquarters.
The Army will post guards all around the building.
The Air Force will take out a 6 year lease with an option to buy.
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The family gathered for a Sunday lunch together. When they finished the youngest son announced that he would like to join the army and had just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were loud gasps around the table, and his brothers started to tease him.
'Join the army, oh, come on Bobby, stop joking!' laughed one. 'You did not really sign up, did you?'
The other continued, 'You would never ever get through the basic training at the army,' snickered the other brother.
The new recruit looked to his mother, hoping she will help. She was just gazing at him and when she finally simply asked, 'Could you really make your own bed every morning?'
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The soldier serving in the Middle East was upset and felt anger when his girl wrote him a breakup letter and asked for her photograph back.
He collected from his friends all the photographs of women that he could find and sent them back with a short note: "I am sorry but I cannot remember which one is you. Please keep your photo and return the others."
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