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Military Jokes

A Frenchman, an Englishman a Polack were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was kind towards them.
'I am going to lock you away for seven years, gentlemen. But, I will let you choose something for yourself before you are thrown into prison,' he offered.
The Frenchman started, 'I want seven years' supply of wine!'
His wish was granted, and he was thrown into prison with his wine.
The Englishman said, 'I want seven years' supply of beer!'
His wish was granted, and he was thrown into prison with his beer.
The Polack said, 'I want seven years' supply of cigarettes!'
His wish was granted, and he was thrown into prison with his cigarettes.
Seven years later, the Germans came to release the prisoners. First, they released the Frenchman, who staggered out totally drunk.
Then, they released the Englishman, who also rolled out drunk. After they released the Polack, who came out and asked, 'Has anyone got a light?'
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The general went out on Monday morning to the shooting range to find that no one were there. One soldier finally ran there, panting heavily.
'I am sorry, sir! I can explain. I had a date and it ran a little late. I took a cab, but it broke down. I ran to the bus but missed it. I found a farm after and I bought a horse but it dropped dead! I've just ran 15 miles, and now here I am.'
The general was very skeptical about this odd explanation. But at least he was there, finally. So he let him go.
A few minutes later, six more soldiers ran to the general, panting heavily. He asked them why they were so late.
'I am sorry, sir! I can explain. You know, I had a date and it ran a little late. I took a cab, but it broke down. I ran to the bus but missed it. I found a farm after all this, and I bought a horse but it dropped dead! I've just ran 15 miles, and now here I am.'
The general looked at them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first soldier go, he let them go, too.
Then an other soldier showed up. He ran to the general, panting heavily.
'I am sorry, sir! I can explain everything. I had a date and it ran a little late. I took a cab, but it broke down. I ran to the bus...'
'Let me guess,' the general interrupted him, 'you missed it.'
'No,' replied the soldier, 'it took forever to get around those freaky dead horses on the road.'
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Late one afternoon, at Area 51 a Cessna landed. The soldiers at the secret base immediately seized the aircraft and took the pilot into an interrogation room.
'I took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted this base. I was about to run out of fuel, so I landed,' said the pilot innocently.
The Air Force started a full FBI and Interpol background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they finally proved that the pilot really was lost and was not a spy. So they let him continue his way, but threatened him and ordered him not to talk about the secret base.
The day after that the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the soldiers at the secret base surrounded the airplane. This time there were two people in it.
The same pilot jumped out and said, 'Do anything you want with me, but my wife is in the plane. And you have to tell her where I was last night!'
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A retired soldier was looking for a new job. He found one he was interested in, so went for a job interview.
'Do you have any military experience?' asked the interviewer.
'Well, I have been in the Army for a couple of years,' he replied.
'Do you have any disabilities to mention?'
The soldier looked at his crotch and replied shakily, 'It happened in Vietnam... I had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles.'
The interviewer was shocked and said, 'All right, all right, you are hired. Please report to work on Monday at ten o'clock.'
The soldier knew that this was not a usual starting time so he asked, 'Excuse me, when do the others start? I do not want special conditions because of disability.'
The interviewer replied kindly, 'You know... I'll tell you the truth. Everyone comes at seven in the morning, but nothing gets done until ten. All we do is stand and sit around, scratching our balls, trying to figure out what to do.'
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Q: What can do the the work of a hundred men?
A: Two hundred soldiers.
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During a week long Israeli-Arab war, the opposing armies were camped extremely close to one another.
The first night one Arab yelled out, 'Abdul, hey, are you there?'
On the Israeli side, Abdul stood up and said, 'Yes?'
The Arabs took out their Uzi submachine guns and shot Abdul.
The second night, another Arab yelled out, 'Mohammed, hey, are you there?'
On the Israeli side, Mohammed stood up and said, 'Yes?'
The Arabs took out their Uzi submachine guns and shot Mohammed.
The third night, the Israelis got smart.
One of them yelled into the night, 'Hey Khalid, are you there?'
The Arabs yelled back, 'No, Khalid is not here, but is that you, Tamar?'
Tamar stood up and said, 'Yes?'
And the Arabs took out their Uzi submachine guns and shot Tamar.
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As the sun rose over the hills, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his new recruits deserted the army. A team was set up immediately to find him. The new recruit was hiding in the forest but he was found soon. They escorted him back to the base to meet the senior drill instructor.
'Why did you desert the army?' he asked.
The new recruit answered, 'Sir, on my first day here you gave me a toothbrush. I also was sent to the dentist who pulled out three teeth. On my second day you gave me a comb. I also was sent to the military hairdresser who cut my hair off. On my third day you gave me a jock strap. I did not want to find out what would follow that.'
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Luke, the farm boy was drafted. After some months, on his first furlough he went home. His father asked him what was his opinion about the life in the army.
'Pa, it is pretty good, I can say. The food is not bad, the work is easy. The best thing in my life in the army that they let me sleep real late in the morning!'
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'I guess when I die you will come and dance on my grave,' said the drill sergeant to one of his cadets.
'Not me,' he protested, 'I promised myself that once I leave the army I will never stand in another line!'
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Did you know that a Polish kamikaze flew 37 successful missions?
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