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Military Jokes

The US Military was asked for a special favor. The president wanted guards for a presidential event to stay with his daughter, so he called the military contact, the first lieutenant.
'Good morning, this is president Nixon. We are having a state dinner at Friday night. I want you to send out two guards to be escorts for my daughters.
'Yes. Do you have any special requirements?'
'I want them dressed in their uniforms. They should be tall and good looking.'
'Yes, sir. Two tall, good looking guards for a presidential event, dressed in uniforms, next Friday night. Is there anything else?'
'Yeah, do not send me any Mexicans!'
'No, sir, not any Mexicans. Anything else you require?'
'No, that's all.'
Friday night came and two tall, good looking lieutenants showed up, dressed in uniforms. They were promptly ushered in to meet the daughter and introduced themselves.
'But you are both black. There must be some mistake here!' said the daughter.
One lieutenant replied, 'I do not believe that's possible, because Captain Hernández never makes mistakes!
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On a military night training exercise, the radio operators were getting very bored.
One voice broke the silence of the night, which asked over the military radio link, 'Hey, are there any friendly lions listening?'
After a moment, another voice replied, 'Hey, yes, here is a friendly lion!'
Then another voice said, 'Hey, I am a friendly lion, too!'
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and madly yelled to stop joking around on a military radio link.
When he finished, there was silence for about five seconds, then a thin voice asked, 'You are not a friendly lion, are you?'
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Q: What can do the the work of a hundred men?
A: Two hundred soldiers.
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The phone rang at the army motor pool.
'How many vehicles are operational?' demanded an authoritative voice.
Ben replied, 'We have here 20 utilities, 10 staff cars, 16 trucks, and that nice big Chevrolet the pot-bellied piggish colonel parades around in.'
There was a silence for almost a minute and than the authoritative voice asked, 'Do you know who you are speaking to?'
'No,' replied Ben.
'It is the so-called pot-bellied piggish colonel you just referred to.'
'Well, in that case..., do you know who you are talking to?'
'No!' roared the colonel.
'Well, thanks for the gods for that,' replied Ben and he hung up the phone.
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An English, a French and a Polish soldier were running away from the German soldiers. They decided to hide in the forest, climbing up to different trees.
When the Germans arrived, they went to the first tree where the English guy was hiding, and shouted, 'Hey, we know you're up there! Come down right now!'
The English soldier was thinking fast and said, 'Twit, twit, twit, twit...!'
The German soldiers moved on, thinking that was only a bird. They stood to the next tree, where the French guy was hiding.
'Hey, we know you're up there! Come down right now!' they shouted.
The French soldier was also a fast-thinker, and said, 'Woo, woo, woo, woo...!'
The Germans moved on, thinking that was only an owl. They stood to the next tree, where the Polish soldier was hiding.
'Hey, we know you're up there! Come down right now!' they shouted.
The Polish guy was thinking for a while, but finally said, 'Moo, moo, moo, moo...!'
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'Pass me the cheesecake, will you?' one soldier asked the other.
'No, I will not pass the cheesecake, John!' replied the other.
'Why not, what's your problem?' asked the first.
'It is against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!'
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The family gathered for a Sunday lunch together. When they finished the youngest son announced that he would like to join the army and had just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were loud gasps around the table, and his brothers started to tease him.
'Join the army, oh, come on Bobby, stop joking!' laughed one. 'You did not really sign up, did you?'
The other continued, 'You would never ever get through the basic training at the army,' snickered the other brother.
The new recruit looked to his mother, hoping she will help. She was just gazing at him and when she finally simply asked, 'Could you really make your own bed every morning?'
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As the sun rose over the hills, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his new recruits deserted the army. A team was set up immediately to find him. The new recruit was hiding in the forest but he was found soon. They escorted him back to the base to meet the senior drill instructor.
'Why did you desert the army?' he asked.
The new recruit answered, 'Sir, on my first day here you gave me a toothbrush. I also was sent to the dentist who pulled out three teeth. On my second day you gave me a comb. I also was sent to the military hairdresser who cut my hair off. On my third day you gave me a jock strap. I did not want to find out what would follow that.'
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A huge fleet of the English army went up to fight their battle on the hill. But, from the bottom, where there was a forest, a voice yelled, 'One Irishman can defeat the whole English fleet!'
The king was outraged. Instead of having the battle on the hill, he sent three of his best knights down. After a few minutes of sword clashing and screaming everything was silent.
'One Irishman can defeat the whole English fleet!' yelled the voice again.
The king was so furious that he sent ten of his knights down. There were screams again, noises, then all was quiet.
'One Irishman can defeat the whole English fleet!' yelled the voice again.
The king was out of his mind. This was not his planned battle on the hill, in his fury he sent the remaining of his fleet down to the forest. There were screams and clashing of swords again. And again, everything was quiet.
Then, one of his knights came back up the hill, ragged and bruised, his right arm had been chopped off but he knelt before his king and said, 'My king, they tricked us! There were not one, but two of them!'
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Little grandson asked, 'When you were in the Army and were on sentry duty at night, grandpa, were you afraid?'
'I was, my little one, but only until I fell asleep.'
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