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Military Jokes

Come and join the army!

Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24/7!
Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flyer miles!
Where else could you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides Chicago, Detroit and New York?
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 3 ratings)

A warship of marines was sailing when they come upon an island where a sailor was relaxing under a palm tree. When he saw the warship, he started insulting the marines, saying he could beat the crap out of them them all in close combat. The captain sent there his best man, in his anger, to teach the sailor a lesson. The sailor beat the crap out of the best marine in no time, looked back at the warship, and continued teasing them. The captain sent over fifteen men to get revenge on the sailor. He quickly ran into the bushes. The marines followed.
Sounds of yelling and fighting filled the air. One marine, badly beaten, came back and gasped, 'Captain, it is a trap! There are TWO of them!'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Luke, the farm boy was drafted. After some months, on his first furlough he went home. His father asked him what was his opinion about the life in the army.
'Pa, it is pretty good, I can say. The food is not bad, the work is easy. The best thing in my life in the army that they let me sleep real late in the morning!'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

As the sun rose over the hills, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his new recruits deserted the army. A team was set up immediately to find him. The new recruit was hiding in the forest but he was found soon. They escorted him back to the base to meet the senior drill instructor.
'Why did you desert the army?' he asked.
The new recruit answered, 'Sir, on my first day here you gave me a toothbrush. I also was sent to the dentist who pulled out three teeth. On my second day you gave me a comb. I also was sent to the military hairdresser who cut my hair off. On my third day you gave me a jock strap. I did not want to find out what would follow that.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

There are many women in the military, but our generals do not put us in the front lines. They do not know if we can fight or if we can kill. Well, I think we can.
All the generals have to do is walk over to the women in the military and say, 'Can you see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

On a military night training exercise, the radio operators were getting very bored.
One voice broke the silence of the night, which asked over the military radio link, 'Hey, are there any friendly lions listening?'
After a moment, another voice replied, 'Hey, yes, here is a friendly lion!'
Then another voice said, 'Hey, I am a friendly lion, too!'
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and madly yelled to stop joking around on a military radio link.
When he finished, there was silence for about five seconds, then a thin voice asked, 'You are not a friendly lion, are you?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The general went out on Monday morning to the shooting range to find that no one were there. One soldier finally ran there, panting heavily.
'I am sorry, sir! I can explain. I had a date and it ran a little late. I took a cab, but it broke down. I ran to the bus but missed it. I found a farm after and I bought a horse but it dropped dead! I've just ran 15 miles, and now here I am.'
The general was very skeptical about this odd explanation. But at least he was there, finally. So he let him go.
A few minutes later, six more soldiers ran to the general, panting heavily. He asked them why they were so late.
'I am sorry, sir! I can explain. You know, I had a date and it ran a little late. I took a cab, but it broke down. I ran to the bus but missed it. I found a farm after all this, and I bought a horse but it dropped dead! I've just ran 15 miles, and now here I am.'
The general looked at them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first soldier go, he let them go, too.
Then an other soldier showed up. He ran to the general, panting heavily.
'I am sorry, sir! I can explain everything. I had a date and it ran a little late. I took a cab, but it broke down. I ran to the bus...'
'Let me guess,' the general interrupted him, 'you missed it.'
'No,' replied the soldier, 'it took forever to get around those freaky dead horses on the road.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Little grandson asked, 'When you were in the Army and were on sentry duty at night, grandpa, were you afraid?'
'I was, my little one, but only until I fell asleep.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

During the war I was a colonel. I routinely visited different military bases to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was at an intelligence military base. There each crew member was surrounded by complex gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen and explained, 'This is a chat screen, sir. We use it on this intelligence military base to share enemy information to the crew. It's like instant messaging.'
Nodding, I moved down the line, and I saw one screen on which there was a flashing warning: "Heads up! The colonel is coming around!"
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

An Army man and a Navy man were driving opposite directions on a loopy mountain road.
The Navy man hit a patch of small stones, swerved, and nailed the Army man's car. They both got out of their cars with no harm. Their vehicles were extremely ruined in spite of that.
Needless to say, the rivalry between Army and Navy was well known. A loud argument followed the accident on the loopy mountain road.
Then suddenly the Army man changed heart and said, 'Hey, hey, this is so dumb. It was an accident. Let's put our rivalry behind us!'
The Navy man agreed finally, so the Army man offered, 'Let's celebrate our new friendship over a vodka! I have a bottle in the car.'
He gave it to the Navy man, saying drink first, as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone. He offered the bottle back.
'Thanks, but I think I will wait for the cops!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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