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Military Jokes

As the sun rose over the hills, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his new recruits deserted the army. A team was set up immediately to find him. The new recruit was hiding in the forest but he was found soon. They escorted him back to the base to meet the senior drill instructor.
'Why did you desert the army?' he asked.
The new recruit answered, 'Sir, on my first day here you gave me a toothbrush. I also was sent to the dentist who pulled out three teeth. On my second day you gave me a comb. I also was sent to the military hairdresser who cut my hair off. On my third day you gave me a jock strap. I did not want to find out what would follow that.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

After World War II, an American soldier was travelling back home from the front. The train was very crowded, but he tried to find a seat. There was one empty, next to an elderly lady, who had her pet westie on it.
He asked, 'Please, madam, excuse me. I am very tired. May I please sit there?
The lady replied, 'No. As you can see, my precious little westie, Miss Whitey is sitting there.'
The soldier walked through the train again without any luck. He turned to the elderly lady again, 'Please, madam, I have been fighting at the front for long months. My feet hurt and I am extremely tired. Could I please sit there?'
The lady replied, 'How rude you are! It is unbelievable! My darling little Miss Whitey is sitting there.'
Now the American soldier lost his temper. He picked up the westie and threw it out the window.
An old man, who saw the whole situation, looked at the American soldier and said, 'You Americans do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road. Now you have thrown the wrong bitch out the window...'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

The soldier serving in the Middle East was upset and felt anger when his girl wrote him a breakup letter and asked for her photograph back.
He collected from his friends all the photographs of women that he could find and sent them back with a short note: "I am sorry but I cannot remember which one is you. Please keep your photo and return the others."
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Come and join the army!

Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24/7!
Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flyer miles!
Where else could you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides Chicago, Detroit and New York?
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 3 ratings)

The general went out on Monday morning to the shooting range to find that no one were there. One soldier finally ran there, panting heavily.
'I am sorry, sir! I can explain. I had a date and it ran a little late. I took a cab, but it broke down. I ran to the bus but missed it. I found a farm after and I bought a horse but it dropped dead! I've just ran 15 miles, and now here I am.'
The general was very skeptical about this odd explanation. But at least he was there, finally. So he let him go.
A few minutes later, six more soldiers ran to the general, panting heavily. He asked them why they were so late.
'I am sorry, sir! I can explain. You know, I had a date and it ran a little late. I took a cab, but it broke down. I ran to the bus but missed it. I found a farm after all this, and I bought a horse but it dropped dead! I've just ran 15 miles, and now here I am.'
The general looked at them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first soldier go, he let them go, too.
Then an other soldier showed up. He ran to the general, panting heavily.
'I am sorry, sir! I can explain everything. I had a date and it ran a little late. I took a cab, but it broke down. I ran to the bus...'
'Let me guess,' the general interrupted him, 'you missed it.'
'No,' replied the soldier, 'it took forever to get around those freaky dead horses on the road.'
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A talented Israeli soldier was accepted to the army. He asked the commanding officer for a 4-day pass after two days.
Of course the CO refused, 'Are you crazy? You have just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 4-day pass? You must do something grand for that recognition!'
The Israeli soldier went away, but next day he came back in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he let the soldier get his 4-day pass.
The other were more than curious, they envied the new guy and asked, 'How did you do it?'
'Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border. There I saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, and the Arab tank put his white flag up, too. I said to the Arab soldier: "Do you want to get a 4-day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!'
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Little Mary-Anne was playing with a pile of crap. After a while, it started to look like a human. Then one second lieutenant walked by.
'Little Mary-Anne, what are you doing?' he asked.
'I'm making an NCO,' she replied.
The second lieutenant just shook his head and walked away. A few minutes later, a first lieutenant walked by.
'Little Mary-Anne, what are you doing? Why are you playing with a pile of crap?' he asked.
'I'm making an NCO,' she replied.
The first lieutenant shook his head and walked away. After a bit one captain walked by.
'Little Mary-Anne, what are you doing? Why are you playing with a pile of crap?' he asked.
'I'm making an NCO,' she replied.
The captain just laughed. After he had wiped the tears from his eyes, he asked why she was making an NCO.
'My pile of crap is not enough to make an officer.'
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The family gathered for a Sunday lunch together. When they finished the youngest son announced that he would like to join the army and had just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were loud gasps around the table, and his brothers started to tease him.
'Join the army, oh, come on Bobby, stop joking!' laughed one. 'You did not really sign up, did you?'
The other continued, 'You would never ever get through the basic training at the army,' snickered the other brother.
The new recruit looked to his mother, hoping she will help. She was just gazing at him and when she finally simply asked, 'Could you really make your own bed every morning?'
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George was advised to act tough after he was recruited into the army.
'This is the only way to be respected,' his fellows said.
So George did his best, he bragged all around the camp. He really wanted to be respected.
'Show me a commander and I will show you a dope!' George yelled.
Out of nowhere a battle-hardened figure appeared.
'Hey, I am a commander,' he said.
'And I am a dope,' whispered George.
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'I guess when I die you will come and dance on my grave,' said the drill sergeant to one of his cadets.
'Not me,' he protested, 'I promised myself that once I leave the army I will never stand in another line!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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