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Military Jokes

A Navy kid and an Army kid were boasting about their fathers,
'My daddy is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Andes?' the Army kid asked.
'Yes,' answered the Navy kid.
'My daddy built them.'
Then the Navy kid asked, 'Do you know the Dead Sea?'
'Yes.'
'It's my daddy who's killed it!'
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On a military night training exercise, the radio operators were getting very bored.
One voice broke the silence of the night, which asked over the military radio link, 'Hey, are there any friendly lions listening?'
After a moment, another voice replied, 'Hey, yes, here is a friendly lion!'
Then another voice said, 'Hey, I am a friendly lion, too!'
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and madly yelled to stop joking around on a military radio link.
When he finished, there was silence for about five seconds, then a thin voice asked, 'You are not a friendly lion, are you?'
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I accidentally opened my parachute in the rear of the plane during my first training session. I felt intimidated as I opened the cockpit door to confess to my superiors what I had done.
I expected a serious penalty for my dumbness on my first training session, but the captain calmly said, 'Well, son, if this plane goes down, that parachute will be yours.'
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A fresh naval student was tested by an old sea captain.
'What would you do if a storm broke out on the starboard?'
'I would throw out the anchor, sir,' the student answered.
'What would you do if another storm broke out aft?'
'I would throw out the anchor, another one, sir!'
'And if another sudden storm broke out forward, what would you do then?' continued the old sea captain.
'Throw out another anchor, sir.'
'Tell me, from were are you getting all those anchors from?'
'From the same place you are getting your storms, sir.'
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A mighty knight and his men returned to their castle after a hard day of fighting.
'How are we faring?' asked the king.
'Sire,' he replied, 'I have been fighting and robbing on your behalf all day, burning down the towns to ashes of your enemies in the north.'
'What?!' cried the king. 'I do not have any enemies in the north!'
'Oh, oh...' said the mighty knight. 'Well, you do now...'
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Two men are approaching each other in the city. Both are dragging their left foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other friendly, points to his left foot and says, 'Iraq, 2003.'
The other points behind himself and says, 'Dog shit, 10 feet back.'
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Two young soldiers were exchanging their first experiences of the service in the Army.
The first started, 'My sergeants are wonderful! I honestly like my service in the Army.'
The second replied, 'I wish I could say the same about mine.'
The first commented, 'You could, if you could lie like I do.'
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A talented Israeli soldier was accepted to the army. He asked the commanding officer for a 4-day pass after two days.
Of course the CO refused, 'Are you crazy? You have just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 4-day pass? You must do something grand for that recognition!'
The Israeli soldier went away, but next day he came back in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he let the soldier get his 4-day pass.
The other were more than curious, they envied the new guy and asked, 'How did you do it?'
'Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border. There I saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, and the Arab tank put his white flag up, too. I said to the Arab soldier: "Do you want to get a 4-day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!'
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A retired soldier was looking for a new job. He found one he was interested in, so went for a job interview.
'Do you have any military experience?' asked the interviewer.
'Well, I have been in the Army for a couple of years,' he replied.
'Do you have any disabilities to mention?'
The soldier looked at his crotch and replied shakily, 'It happened in Vietnam... I had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles.'
The interviewer was shocked and said, 'All right, all right, you are hired. Please report to work on Monday at ten o'clock.'
The soldier knew that this was not a usual starting time so he asked, 'Excuse me, when do the others start? I do not want special conditions because of disability.'
The interviewer replied kindly, 'You know... I'll tell you the truth. Everyone comes at seven in the morning, but nothing gets done until ten. All we do is stand and sit around, scratching our balls, trying to figure out what to do.'
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'Pass me the cheesecake, will you?' one soldier asked the other.
'No, I will not pass the cheesecake, John!' replied the other.
'Why not, what's your problem?' asked the first.
'It is against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!'
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