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Military Jokes

The admiral came home from a secret mission at sea. He arrived home after three years, only to find his wife with a new born baby. In his fury he was determined to track down the father, and wanted to take revenge on him.
'Who did this? Was it my friend Luke?' he demanded.
'No!' replied his crying wife.
'Then who did this? Was it my friend Carl?' he asked.
'No!' she replied and the crying continued.
'Then which one of my so called friends did this?' he demanded.
The wife asked back, 'Hey, I have many friends of my own, haven't I?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The general had to stay in the military hospital for treatment. He had a minor infection. For almost a week he was unbelievably rude, both to staff and other patients. He demanded 24/7 attention, and expected his orders to be followed immediately.
He was in a five-man room rather than a private room, his meals were always too cold or too hot, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime visits interfered with his rest and on, and on.
One afternoon an assistant entered the room.
'It's time to take your temperature, General. Sorry, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.'
A whole new wave of verbal abuse followed, but the general at last rolled over and allowed the assistant to take his temperature.
'Okay, now stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in three minutes to check up on you,' said the assistant and withdrew.
About an hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, 'What the heck is going on here?'
'Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?' the general growled.
'Yes I have, General, but with a snapdragon flower?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Come and join the army!

Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24/7!
Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flyer miles!
Where else could you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides Chicago, Detroit and New York?
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 3 ratings)

The family gathered for a Sunday lunch together. When they finished the youngest son announced that he would like to join the army and had just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were loud gasps around the table, and his brothers started to tease him.
'Join the army, oh, come on Bobby, stop joking!' laughed one. 'You did not really sign up, did you?'
The other continued, 'You would never ever get through the basic training at the army,' snickered the other brother.
The new recruit looked to his mother, hoping she will help. She was just gazing at him and when she finally simply asked, 'Could you really make your own bed every morning?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

After World War II, an American soldier was travelling back home from the front. The train was very crowded, but he tried to find a seat. There was one empty, next to an elderly lady, who had her pet westie on it.
He asked, 'Please, madam, excuse me. I am very tired. May I please sit there?
The lady replied, 'No. As you can see, my precious little westie, Miss Whitey is sitting there.'
The soldier walked through the train again without any luck. He turned to the elderly lady again, 'Please, madam, I have been fighting at the front for long months. My feet hurt and I am extremely tired. Could I please sit there?'
The lady replied, 'How rude you are! It is unbelievable! My darling little Miss Whitey is sitting there.'
Now the American soldier lost his temper. He picked up the westie and threw it out the window.
An old man, who saw the whole situation, looked at the American soldier and said, 'You Americans do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road. Now you have thrown the wrong bitch out the window...'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Did you know that a Polish kamikaze flew 37 successful missions?
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The quartermaster of the watch said, 'Navigator we are on a course for sea mounts.'
The navigator forwarded, 'First lieutenant, we are heading for shallow water.'
The first lieutenant forwarded, 'Captain, we are running out of water.'
The Captain replied, 'What? No water? Very well, secure the showers...'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Telly was a rookie on the military site. He was called to see his commander for getting into some trouble, again.
'You keep getting into some trouble. You can choose, Telly. You get one month's restriction or it's thirty day's pay,' said the officer.
'I see, sir,' said the the rookie, 'In this case I choose the money.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

The general went out on Monday morning to the shooting range to find that no one were there. One soldier finally ran there, panting heavily.
'I am sorry, sir! I can explain. I had a date and it ran a little late. I took a cab, but it broke down. I ran to the bus but missed it. I found a farm after and I bought a horse but it dropped dead! I've just ran 15 miles, and now here I am.'
The general was very skeptical about this odd explanation. But at least he was there, finally. So he let him go.
A few minutes later, six more soldiers ran to the general, panting heavily. He asked them why they were so late.
'I am sorry, sir! I can explain. You know, I had a date and it ran a little late. I took a cab, but it broke down. I ran to the bus but missed it. I found a farm after all this, and I bought a horse but it dropped dead! I've just ran 15 miles, and now here I am.'
The general looked at them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first soldier go, he let them go, too.
Then an other soldier showed up. He ran to the general, panting heavily.
'I am sorry, sir! I can explain everything. I had a date and it ran a little late. I took a cab, but it broke down. I ran to the bus...'
'Let me guess,' the general interrupted him, 'you missed it.'
'No,' replied the soldier, 'it took forever to get around those freaky dead horses on the road.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Two young soldiers were exchanging their first experiences of the service in the Army.
The first started, 'My sergeants are wonderful! I honestly like my service in the Army.'
The second replied, 'I wish I could say the same about mine.'
The first commented, 'You could, if you could lie like I do.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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