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Military Jokes

Luke, the farm boy was drafted. After some months, on his first furlough he went home. His father asked him what was his opinion about the life in the army.
'Pa, it is pretty good, I can say. The food is not bad, the work is easy. The best thing in my life in the army that they let me sleep real late in the morning!'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Late one afternoon, at Area 51 a Cessna landed. The soldiers at the secret base immediately seized the aircraft and took the pilot into an interrogation room.
'I took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted this base. I was about to run out of fuel, so I landed,' said the pilot innocently.
The Air Force started a full FBI and Interpol background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they finally proved that the pilot really was lost and was not a spy. So they let him continue his way, but threatened him and ordered him not to talk about the secret base.
The day after that the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the soldiers at the secret base surrounded the airplane. This time there were two people in it.
The same pilot jumped out and said, 'Do anything you want with me, but my wife is in the plane. And you have to tell her where I was last night!'
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A warship of marines was sailing when they come upon an island where a sailor was relaxing under a palm tree. When he saw the warship, he started insulting the marines, saying he could beat the crap out of them them all in close combat. The captain sent there his best man, in his anger, to teach the sailor a lesson. The sailor beat the crap out of the best marine in no time, looked back at the warship, and continued teasing them. The captain sent over fifteen men to get revenge on the sailor. He quickly ran into the bushes. The marines followed.
Sounds of yelling and fighting filled the air. One marine, badly beaten, came back and gasped, 'Captain, it is a trap! There are TWO of them!'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

An English, a French and a Polish soldier were running away from the German soldiers. They decided to hide in the forest, climbing up to different trees.
When the Germans arrived, they went to the first tree where the English guy was hiding, and shouted, 'Hey, we know you're up there! Come down right now!'
The English soldier was thinking fast and said, 'Twit, twit, twit, twit...!'
The German soldiers moved on, thinking that was only a bird. They stood to the next tree, where the French guy was hiding.
'Hey, we know you're up there! Come down right now!' they shouted.
The French soldier was also a fast-thinker, and said, 'Woo, woo, woo, woo...!'
The Germans moved on, thinking that was only an owl. They stood to the next tree, where the Polish soldier was hiding.
'Hey, we know you're up there! Come down right now!' they shouted.
The Polish guy was thinking for a while, but finally said, 'Moo, moo, moo, moo...!'
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The general went out on Monday morning to the shooting range to find that no one were there. One soldier finally ran there, panting heavily.
'I am sorry, sir! I can explain. I had a date and it ran a little late. I took a cab, but it broke down. I ran to the bus but missed it. I found a farm after and I bought a horse but it dropped dead! I've just ran 15 miles, and now here I am.'
The general was very skeptical about this odd explanation. But at least he was there, finally. So he let him go.
A few minutes later, six more soldiers ran to the general, panting heavily. He asked them why they were so late.
'I am sorry, sir! I can explain. You know, I had a date and it ran a little late. I took a cab, but it broke down. I ran to the bus but missed it. I found a farm after all this, and I bought a horse but it dropped dead! I've just ran 15 miles, and now here I am.'
The general looked at them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first soldier go, he let them go, too.
Then an other soldier showed up. He ran to the general, panting heavily.
'I am sorry, sir! I can explain everything. I had a date and it ran a little late. I took a cab, but it broke down. I ran to the bus...'
'Let me guess,' the general interrupted him, 'you missed it.'
'No,' replied the soldier, 'it took forever to get around those freaky dead horses on the road.'
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Military defense tactics - The Russian style:
1. Engage the enemy
2. Draw him into your territory
3. Wait until winter sets in

Military defense tactics - The Iraqi style:
If it does not move, hide behind it. If it moves, surrender to it.

Military defense tactics - Iraqi Air Force:
I came I saw Iran
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A talented Israeli soldier was accepted to the army. He asked the commanding officer for a 4-day pass after two days.
Of course the CO refused, 'Are you crazy? You have just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 4-day pass? You must do something grand for that recognition!'
The Israeli soldier went away, but next day he came back in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he let the soldier get his 4-day pass.
The other were more than curious, they envied the new guy and asked, 'How did you do it?'
'Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border. There I saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, and the Arab tank put his white flag up, too. I said to the Arab soldier: "Do you want to get a 4-day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!'
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Telly was a rookie on the military site. He was called to see his commander for getting into some trouble, again.
'You keep getting into some trouble. You can choose, Telly. You get one month's restriction or it's thirty day's pay,' said the officer.
'I see, sir,' said the the rookie, 'In this case I choose the money.'
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A retired soldier was looking for a new job. He found one he was interested in, so went for a job interview.
'Do you have any military experience?' asked the interviewer.
'Well, I have been in the Army for a couple of years,' he replied.
'Do you have any disabilities to mention?'
The soldier looked at his crotch and replied shakily, 'It happened in Vietnam... I had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles.'
The interviewer was shocked and said, 'All right, all right, you are hired. Please report to work on Monday at ten o'clock.'
The soldier knew that this was not a usual starting time so he asked, 'Excuse me, when do the others start? I do not want special conditions because of disability.'
The interviewer replied kindly, 'You know... I'll tell you the truth. Everyone comes at seven in the morning, but nothing gets done until ten. All we do is stand and sit around, scratching our balls, trying to figure out what to do.'
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An instructor on a biological warfare training asked the soldiers, 'Do you know the formula for water?'
One man raised his hand.
'Tell me soldier, what is it?'
'H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O!' replied the soldier proudly on the biological warfare training.
'What...?' asked the instructor.
'H to O,' explained the soldier.
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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