Military Jokes

After a fun Halloween party at the military station, two rookies decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery to arrive home faster.
Suddenly they stopped. They heard a mysterious tapping noise in the shadows. The way through the cemetery was dark. They couldn't see the source of the sound until the mist cleared. There was an old man with a chisel and a hammer, chipping at one of the headstones.
'Oh, my goodness,' one of the rookies exclaimed, 'You scared us half to death! What are you doing working here so late at night, old man?'
He replied angrily, 'Those fools misspelled my name!'

The soldiers were exhausted and lonely after spending long weeks in the enemy's territory. To entertain the poor military boys, the commander arranged a sexy dancer.
She came one night and started her dance. When the first dance was finished, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for five minutes at least.
For her second dance, she stripped and danced in her red bra and thong. This time the applause went for more than ten minutes.
The third dance was a topless one. This time the applause went on and on. The commander had to come on stage and ask his poor military boys to calm down for the finale.
The sexy dancer stripped completely and danced naked. The commander expected the soldiers to make huge noise which brings the roof down.
But minutes later, there was no clapping at all, and the dancer came backstage.
'What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?' asked the commander.
She replied with a wide smile, 'How do you expect those poor military boys to clap with one hand?'

Luke, the farm boy was drafted. After some months, on his first furlough he went home. His father asked him what was his opinion about the life in the army.
'Pa, it is pretty good, I can say. The food is not bad, the work is easy. The best thing in my life in the army that they let me sleep real late in the morning!'

'Welcome Ladies to the physical training for soldiers. Let's begin! I want you to lie on your back, put your legs in the air and circle with them like you were riding a bicycle!' the instructor demanded.
After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.
'Why did you stop, Jones?' asked the physical training instructor.
'If you don't mind, sir,' said Jones, 'I am freewheeling for a while.'

On a military night training exercise, the radio operators were getting very bored.
One voice broke the silence of the night, which asked over the military radio link, 'Hey, are there any friendly lions listening?'
After a moment, another voice replied, 'Hey, yes, here is a friendly lion!'
Then another voice said, 'Hey, I am a friendly lion, too!'
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and madly yelled to stop joking around on a military radio link.
When he finished, there was silence for about five seconds, then a thin voice asked, 'You are not a friendly lion, are you?'

A huge fleet of the English army went up to fight their battle on the hill. But, from the bottom, where there was a forest, a voice yelled, 'One Irishman can defeat the whole English fleet!'
The king was outraged. Instead of having the battle on the hill, he sent three of his best knights down. After a few minutes of sword clashing and screaming everything was silent.
'One Irishman can defeat the whole English fleet!' yelled the voice again.
The king was so furious that he sent ten of his knights down. There were screams again, noises, then all was quiet.
'One Irishman can defeat the whole English fleet!' yelled the voice again.
The king was out of his mind. This was not his planned battle on the hill, in his fury he sent the remaining of his fleet down to the forest. There were screams and clashing of swords again. And again, everything was quiet.
Then, one of his knights came back up the hill, ragged and bruised, his right arm had been chopped off but he knelt before his king and said, 'My king, they tricked us! There were not one, but two of them!'

The US Military was asked for a special favor. The president wanted guards for a presidential event to stay with his daughter, so he called the military contact, the first lieutenant.
'Good morning, this is president Nixon. We are having a state dinner at Friday night. I want you to send out two guards to be escorts for my daughters.
'Yes. Do you have any special requirements?'
'I want them dressed in their uniforms. They should be tall and good looking.'
'Yes, sir. Two tall, good looking guards for a presidential event, dressed in uniforms, next Friday night. Is there anything else?'
'Yeah, do not send me any Mexicans!'
'No, sir, not any Mexicans. Anything else you require?'
'No, that's all.'
Friday night came and two tall, good looking lieutenants showed up, dressed in uniforms. They were promptly ushered in to meet the daughter and introduced themselves.
'But you are both black. There must be some mistake here!' said the daughter.
One lieutenant replied, 'I do not believe that's possible, because Captain Hernández never makes mistakes!

An old Wild West fort was about to be attacked. The old General sent for his trusty Indian friend.
'You must use all your skills. Please my friend, try to estimate the sort of army we are up against here,' he begged.
The trusty Indian friend laid down and put his ear to the ground. 'Large war party,' he started, 'Maybe four hundred braves, five chiefs, three on black stallions, two on white stallions. Many, many guns. Medicine man also with them.'
'My god!' exclaimed the General, 'You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?'
'No, General. I can see under the gate,' replied the Indian friend.

The family gathered for a Sunday lunch together. When they finished the youngest son announced that he would like to join the army and had just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were loud gasps around the table, and his brothers started to tease him.
'Join the army, oh, come on Bobby, stop joking!' laughed one. 'You did not really sign up, did you?'
The other continued, 'You would never ever get through the basic training at the army,' snickered the other brother.
The new recruit looked to his mother, hoping she will help. She was just gazing at him and when she finally simply asked, 'Could you really make your own bed every morning?'

Little Mary-Anne was playing with a pile of crap. After a while, it started to look like a human. Then one second lieutenant walked by.
'Little Mary-Anne, what are you doing?' he asked.
'I'm making an NCO,' she replied.
The second lieutenant just shook his head and walked away. A few minutes later, a first lieutenant walked by.
'Little Mary-Anne, what are you doing? Why are you playing with a pile of crap?' he asked.
'I'm making an NCO,' she replied.
The first lieutenant shook his head and walked away. After a bit one captain walked by.
'Little Mary-Anne, what are you doing? Why are you playing with a pile of crap?' he asked.
'I'm making an NCO,' she replied.
The captain just laughed. After he had wiped the tears from his eyes, he asked why she was making an NCO.
'My pile of crap is not enough to make an officer.'