Marriage Jokes

A man visited a hunter. He also was given a tour of the hunter's home. In the cottage was a stuffed tiger.
'When did you shoot that tiger?' asked the visitor.
'That was two years ago, when I went hunting with my wife,' replied the hunter.
'It is nice. What's it stuffed with?' asked the visitor.
'My wife.'

The wife and the husband were having serious marriage problems. They made the decision, after a very short time together. The couple went to court to make their break-up official. The judge asked the husband, 'What has brought you to this point? Why are you unable to keep this marriage together?'
The husband answered, 'We have serious marriage problems. In the five weeks we have been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.'
The wife said, 'Six weeks.'

Two yuppettes were talking about their married lives in a cafe terrace, sipping their iced coffees. The first said, 'It is horrible. All Daniel and I do is fighting. I have been so upset lately I have lost five pounds.'
'Why don't you just leave him then my sweetheart?' asked her friend.
'Oh, no, not yet,' the first answered, 'I would like to lose at least another five pounds.'

There were two old people who were married and have been for sixty years. One day they visited the doctor because they recently had been forgetting things. They were afraid that they would leave the stove on or something.
'There is no way medically, but you could write notes to help you remember things,' said the doctor.
That night, as the wife was getting up from the TV, her husband asked what she was doing.
'I was just going to make some ice cream,' she replied.
The husband insisted that he would make it.
As he was walking into the kitchen, she called out, 'With whipped cream on top!'
'Okay, honey!'
'And a cherry, too!'
'Okay, honey!'
After harsh sounds of banging pans and pots and fifteen minutes later he came back into the living room with eggs and bacon.
The wife asked, 'Where is the toast?'

In the kitchen of a suburban home, after a quarrel, the wife said to the husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I got married!'
The husband replied, 'Yes you were, but I was in love and didn't notice!'

A married couple was invited to a fancy Halloween party. The dress code was strict, everybody had to show up in costumes.
The wife got a terrible headache that day, but told her husband to go anyway. The devoted husband protested at first, but finally he agreed after his wife urged him to go and don't let this time be wasted.
So he took his costume and went to the fancy Halloween party.
The wife, after taking some medicine, slept for an hour, and woke up fully recharged. The headache disappeared. It was still early, she decided to go the party. As her costume was kept in secret, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband and check how he acted when he was on his own.
She soon spotted her husband in the party. He was dancing wildly to the funky music with every nice chick he could, giving little kisses here and there.
His wife joined him on the dancefloor, in her disguise she was only a new chick to the man. She let him go as far as he wished.
Finally, he whispered a clear proposition in her ear...
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away to return home and waited for her husband. She wanted to hear what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
'Hi honey, was the night good?' she asked him when he arrived.
'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there,' replied the husband.
'Did you dance much?'
'Honey, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Chris, Ron, and some other guys, John, so we went into the den and played darts all evening. But you must hear what happened to the guy to whom I gave my costume...'

A married couple was trying to live a snobbish lifestyle. They went to a party, where they joined a conversation. The topic turned to Bach.
'Absolutely genius, magnificent, gorgeous!' they said.
The woman wanted to add something, so remarked casually, 'Oh, the brilliant Bach! You are so right. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 11 bus going to Coney Island.'
There was a sudden hush, everyone looked at her. Her husband went pale.
'We're leaving right now. Get your bag and let's get out of here,' he said as he pulled her out.
On their way home, he kept muttering to himself.
Eventually his wife turned to him, 'Why are you so angry?'
'Oh, honey, I've never been so embarrassed in my whole life! You saw the brilliant Bach take the No. 11 bus to Coney Island? Really? Don't you know the No. 11 bus does not go out to Coney Island?

Q: Have you heard about the two antennas that got married?
A: The ceremony was boring and long, but the reception was fabulous.

The husband lies on his deathbed. He is surrounded by his family, his three sons, and a weeping wife. The two older boys are short and have red hair and light skin while the youngest son is tall, has brown hair and dark eyes. The father, feeling the last minutes, turns to his wife to tell his last wish, 'My dear, before I die, please, be totally honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?'
The wife sobs, 'Yes, I swear on everything, that he is your son, our son.'
With that the husband dies happily. The wife then relieved, 'Thank God he didn't ask about the other two.'

Two elderly people lived in a Florida mobile home park, he was a widower and she a widow. They had known each another for several years. Now, one evening there was a community dinner. These two sat at the same table. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her, gathered up his courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After consideration, she answered. 'Yes, I will.'
The meal ended and they went to their respective places in the Florida mobile home park. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'Yes' or did she say 'No'? He just couldn't remember. Not even a faint memory. He went to the phone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to when he was younger. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained more courage, he asked her, 'When I asked if you would marry me, what was your answer?'
He was happy to hear her say, 'I said, "Yes, I will" and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so delighted that you called, because I just could not remember who had asked me.'