Marriage Jokes

The husband's credit card was stolen. He did not reported it. Apparently, the thief was spending less than his wife.

Four husbands are at a bar, boasting about the control they have over their wives. One of them remains silent.
After a while, the others turn to the silent one and ask, 'Hey, what about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?'
'Well, imagine, just the other day I had her on her knees,' he says.
All the others are amazed, 'Wow! What happened next?'
The man takes a healthy sip of his beer, and mutters, 'Then she started screaming: "Get out from under the bed! Fight like a real man!"

There is this remarkable, red Porsche 718 Boxster in NYC being driven by a beautiful blond woman and the plate reads:
WAS HIS

Hugh was a wacky old fellow who had breakfast with his wife every morning. He was reading the morning paper while she was chatting or talked mostly only to herself. Today it was their 30th wedding anniversary.
'Hugh! Hugh! Put down that paper. Let's talk about how we are going to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary today. What do you suggest?'
Hugh put his newspaper down, stared for a moment into the distance, then asked, 'How about 30 minutes of silence?'

The husband was sitting quietly sipping his coffee one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaked up behind him and hit his head with a huge frying pan.
'What was that for?' asked the dizzy husband.
'What was that piece of paper in your pocket with the name Lucinda written on it?' demanded the wife.
'Oh dear, two weeks ago I went to bet on a horse. Do you remember? Lucinda was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife looked all satisfied and went gardening.
Three days later the husband was sitting again in his chair, sipping coffee. The wife sneaked up behind him again and hit his head with the pan.
'What the heck was that for this time?' yelled the husband.
'Bet on a horse, huh? Your horse called!'

Luke and Tina were having dinner in a fancy restaurant. Their waiter, taking another order at a table a few meters away, noticed that Luke was slowly, silently sliding down from his chair and disappeared under the table, while Tina acted quite unconcerned.
After the waiter finished taking the other order, he came over to the table and said, 'Pardon me, but I think your husband just disappeared under the table.'
The woman calmly looked up and replied, 'Oh, he did not. In fact, he has just walked in the front door.'

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money met his lawyer.
'If I lose this case, me and my family will be ruined.'
'Everything is in the judge's hands now,' said the lawyer.
'Would it help if I sent the judge a box of quality cigars?'
'Oh, no and no! This judge is a sticks to ethical behavior. A gift like that would prejudice him against you. He might even put you in jail because of contempt of court. To be honest you shouldn't even smile at that judge.'
Finally the judge made a decision in favor of the defendant. As he and his lawyer left the courthouse he said, 'Thank you for the tip about the cigars. It worked!'
'I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent the box of quality cigars.'
'But, I did send them.'
'What, you did???' asked the lawyer, astonished.
'Yes. That is how we won the case.'
'I do not understand,' said the lawyer.
'It is easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card.'

The husband lies on his deathbed. He is surrounded by his family, his three sons, and a weeping wife. The two older boys are short and have red hair and light skin while the youngest son is tall, has brown hair and dark eyes. The father, feeling the last minutes, turns to his wife to tell his last wish, 'My dear, before I die, please, be totally honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?'
The wife sobs, 'Yes, I swear on everything, that he is your son, our son.'
With that the husband dies happily. The wife then relieved, 'Thank God he didn't ask about the other two.'

Why a Christmas tree is better than a wife?

1. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your truck.
2. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch soccer all day.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
4. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
5. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the street and have it taken away.

An embarrassed, new wife arrived at the city hotel with her husband. She was too shy to be known as a honeymooner.
'How could we pretend that we had been married for a long time?' asked the embarrassed new wife from her husband after parking in front of the hotel.
He replied, 'It is simple honey, you carry the suitcases!'