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Marriage Jokes

On a visit to New York, I wanted to visit a posh department store. It was so far from our hotel, that my husband hailed a cab, 'The lady wants to go to Barneys.'
The taxi driver looked at us carefully and asked back, 'And the gentleman? Does he want to go to the bank?'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's wooden crib one evening. Silently she watched him. She saw a mixture of emotions on his face. Amazement, doubt, disbelief, delight. Touched by the deep emotions and this sweet situation, she walked to the baby's wooden crib and slipped her arms around her husband.
'A penny for your thoughts,' she whispered in his ear.
'It is amazing darling!' he replied. 'I just cannot understand how anybody can make a wooden crib like that for only $39,90!'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

Jimmy and Joanna got married. On their honeymoon car trip they were driving to Seattle, when Jimmy put his hand on Joanna's knee. Joanna giggled and said, 'Jimmy, you can go a little farther if you want to!'
So Jimmy drove to Vancouver.
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A couple had been arguing about the purchasing a new car for weeks. He wanted a new 4x4 pickup. She wanted a fast sports car, to zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any old rickety truck, but everything she liked was not affordable.
'Look!' she started, 'I want something that goes from 0 to 250 in 5 seconds or less. You know, my birthday is in two weeks, you could surprise me.'
This is how she got a brand new bathroom scale.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Dan was living in sunny France, and the heat wave did not wanted to stop.
'It is just too hot to wear any clothes today!' complained Dan as he stepped out of the bathroom. 'Sweetheart, what do you think the neighbors would reckon if I did some gardening like this?'
'I know exactly. Probably they would reckon that I married you for your money.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant in Brooklyn he visited with his wife. 'What's the name of the place?' the friend asked.
'Oh.., I don't remember exactly,' he pondered, 'What is the name of the flower with nice red petals men give to women on special occasions?'
'Do you mean a rose?' asked the friend.
'That's it!' he exclaimed. Turning to his wife he asked, 'Rose, what's the name of that new restaurant in Brooklyn we went last Friday?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Old Farmer Billy Bob was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he told his wife, 'Mary-Ann, when I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Thompson.'
'No, I will not marry anyone after you,' sobbed the wife.
'But this is what I want.'
'But why?'
'Thompson cheated me on the horse race!'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Two elderly people lived in a Florida mobile home park, he was a widower and she a widow. They had known each another for several years. Now, one evening there was a community dinner. These two sat at the same table. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her, gathered up his courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After consideration, she answered. 'Yes, I will.'
The meal ended and they went to their respective places in the Florida mobile home park. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'Yes' or did she say 'No'? He just couldn't remember. Not even a faint memory. He went to the phone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to when he was younger. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained more courage, he asked her, 'When I asked if you would marry me, what was your answer?'
He was happy to hear her say, 'I said, "Yes, I will" and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so delighted that you called, because I just could not remember who had asked me.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Four husbands are at a bar, boasting about the control they have over their wives. One of them remains silent.
After a while, the others turn to the silent one and ask, 'Hey, what about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?'
'Well, imagine, just the other day I had her on her knees,' he says.
All the others are amazed, 'Wow! What happened next?'
The man takes a healthy sip of his beer, and mutters, 'Then she started screaming: "Get out from under the bed! Fight like a real man!"
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money met his lawyer.
'If I lose this case, me and my family will be ruined.'
'Everything is in the judge's hands now,' said the lawyer.
'Would it help if I sent the judge a box of quality cigars?'
'Oh, no and no! This judge is a sticks to ethical behavior. A gift like that would prejudice him against you. He might even put you in jail because of contempt of court. To be honest you shouldn't even smile at that judge.'
Finally the judge made a decision in favor of the defendant. As he and his lawyer left the courthouse he said, 'Thank you for the tip about the cigars. It worked!'
'I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent the box of quality cigars.'
'But, I did send them.'
'What, you did???' asked the lawyer, astonished.
'Yes. That is how we won the case.'
'I do not understand,' said the lawyer.
'It is easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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