Marriage Jokes, Marriage Joke
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Marriage Jokes

Two elderly people lived in a Florida mobile home park, he was a widower and she a widow. They had known each another for several years. Now, one evening there was a community dinner. These two sat at the same table. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her, gathered up his courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After consideration, she answered. 'Yes, I will.'
The meal ended and they went to their respective places in the Florida mobile home park. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'Yes' or did she say 'No'? He just couldn't remember. Not even a faint memory. He went to the phone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to when he was younger. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained more courage, he asked her, 'When I asked if you would marry me, what was your answer?'
He was happy to hear her say, 'I said, "Yes, I will" and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so delighted that you called, because I just could not remember who had asked me.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The husband came back from a very long business trip to see that his daughter had a new $360 bicycle.
'How did you get that, Mary?'
'By evening walks.'
'Evening walks?'
'Yes, every night when Mum's boss came over gave me $20 to go for a walk.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Q: How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
A: I don't know. It has never been done.
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money met his lawyer.
'If I lose this case, me and my family will be ruined.'
'Everything is in the judge's hands now,' said the lawyer.
'Would it help if I sent the judge a box of quality cigars?'
'Oh, no and no! This judge is a sticks to ethical behavior. A gift like that would prejudice him against you. He might even put you in jail because of contempt of court. To be honest you shouldn't even smile at that judge.'
Finally the judge made a decision in favor of the defendant. As he and his lawyer left the courthouse he said, 'Thank you for the tip about the cigars. It worked!'
'I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent the box of quality cigars.'
'But, I did send them.'
'What, you did???' asked the lawyer, astonished.
'Yes. That is how we won the case.'
'I do not understand,' said the lawyer.
'It is easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Just as the mother walked through the door one evening, little Kenny came running over.
'Mum, mum! I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door! They started kissing and then they took off each others clothes! All of them! And laid down on the bed...!'
The mother interrupted him, 'Stop right there! Let's wait with the story of the lady next door until daddy comes home!'
When the father finally arrived from work, the mother walked up to him and said, 'I am leaving you, Steve.'
The father, surprised, asked, 'Why!? What did I do now?'
The mother turned to little Kenny, 'Son, tell daddy exactly what you told me today about the lady next door!'
Kenny started, 'I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each other's clothes off and laid down on the bed. Just like what you and uncle Brian did last summer!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Hugh was a wacky old fellow who had breakfast with his wife every morning. He was reading the morning paper while she was chatting or talked mostly only to herself. Today it was their 30th wedding anniversary.
'Hugh! Hugh! Put down that paper. Let's talk about how we are going to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary today. What do you suggest?'
Hugh put his newspaper down, stared for a moment into the distance, then asked, 'How about 30 minutes of silence?'
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A married couple was invited to a fancy Halloween party. The dress code was strict, everybody had to show up in costumes.
The wife got a terrible headache that day, but told her husband to go anyway. The devoted husband protested at first, but finally he agreed after his wife urged him to go and don't let this time be wasted.
So he took his costume and went to the fancy Halloween party.
The wife, after taking some medicine, slept for an hour, and woke up fully recharged. The headache disappeared. It was still early, she decided to go the party. As her costume was kept in secret, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband and check how he acted when he was on his own.
She soon spotted her husband in the party. He was dancing wildly to the funky music with every nice chick he could, giving little kisses here and there.
His wife joined him on the dancefloor, in her disguise she was only a new chick to the man. She let him go as far as he wished.
Finally, he whispered a clear proposition in her ear...
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away to return home and waited for her husband. She wanted to hear what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
'Hi honey, was the night good?' she asked him when he arrived.
'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there,' replied the husband.
'Did you dance much?'
'Honey, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Chris, Ron, and some other guys, John, so we went into the den and played darts all evening. But you must hear what happened to the guy to whom I gave my costume...'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

"It's a man thing."
Husband really means: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it. You have no chance at all of making it logical.

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Husband really means: She has already heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.

"She is one of those crazed feminists."
Husband really means: She refused to make my morning coffee.

"Yes, dear", "Uh huh", "Sure, honey"
Husband really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Husband really means: However, she didn't use the smoke detector as a meal timer.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's wooden crib one evening. Silently she watched him. She saw a mixture of emotions on his face. Amazement, doubt, disbelief, delight. Touched by the deep emotions and this sweet situation, she walked to the baby's wooden crib and slipped her arms around her husband.
'A penny for your thoughts,' she whispered in his ear.
'It is amazing darling!' he replied. 'I just cannot understand how anybody can make a wooden crib like that for only $39,90!'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

A man visited a hunter. He also was given a tour of the hunter's home. In the cottage was a stuffed tiger.
'When did you shoot that tiger?' asked the visitor.
'That was two years ago, when I went hunting with my wife,' replied the hunter.
'It is nice. What's it stuffed with?' asked the visitor.
'My wife.'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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