Marriage Jokes, Marriage Joke
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Marriage Jokes

Suzy told her husband, 'Greg, that young couple next door seems such an awesome twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the flat, he kisses her goodbye. Every afternoon when he comes home, he brings her a dozen red roses. Why can't you do that?'
'Oh my God, Suzy, I hardly know the girl!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A groom-to-be and a bride selected the wedding ring in the jewelry. As the girl admired the diamond, she suddenly looked concerned.
'Can you tell me, is there anything special I will have to do to take care of the wedding ring?' she asked the salesman.
'Well, the most important thing to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in the sink twice a day.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The soldier asked permission from his colonel to leave camp the following weekend.
'You know,' he explained, 'my wife is expecting.'
'I see, well then, go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her happiness and luck,' said the colonel.
Next week the same soldier asked permission from the colonel to leave camp.
'My wife is expecting,' he told.
The colonel looked surprised, 'Still expecting? Well, my boy, you must be pretty excited. You can leave for the weekend.'
Next week, again, the soldier appeared. But now, the colonel lost his temper, 'Do not dare to tell me your wife is still expecting!'
'Sir, she is still expecting,' explained the soldier.
'What on earth is she expecting?' cried the colonel.
'Me,' replied the soldier simply.
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

Two elderly people lived in a Florida mobile home park, he was a widower and she a widow. They had known each another for several years. Now, one evening there was a community dinner. These two sat at the same table. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her, gathered up his courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After consideration, she answered. 'Yes, I will.'
The meal ended and they went to their respective places in the Florida mobile home park. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'Yes' or did she say 'No'? He just couldn't remember. Not even a faint memory. He went to the phone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to when he was younger. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained more courage, he asked her, 'When I asked if you would marry me, what was your answer?'
He was happy to hear her say, 'I said, "Yes, I will" and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so delighted that you called, because I just could not remember who had asked me.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

After long years of marriage, the husband turned into a couch potato. He only sat sipping whiskey and watching TV all day.
The wife was desperate. No matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he had just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This continued for a few months and the wife slowly was going crazy with this ignorance.
Then one day she was at a pet store. There was a big, ugly bird with powerful hairy wing, big strong beak and claws, and dark eyes.
The shopkeeper saw her fascination with the bird, and told her it was a special imported "Assassin Parrot" and it had a very specific trait.
'Assassin Parrot! The shelf!' he exclaimed to demonstrate it.
The parrot flew off its perch immediately and with fury it attacked the shelf and shattered it into small pieces with its powerful beak and claws.
'Assassin Parrot! The table!' said the shopkeeper, to demonstrate some more.
The bird turned to the table immediately and tore it into pieces.
'Wow! If this assassin parrot doesn't attract my husband's attention, then nothing will do that!' said the wife.
She bought the parrot and took it home quickly.
When she entered the living room, the husband, as usual, sat on the couch sipping whiskey, watching TV.
'Honey, honey! I've brought a special surprise for you! An Assassin Parrot!'
The husband replied in his usual bored tone, 'Assassin Parrot, my foot!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A husband is a man who buys his football tickets five months in advance but waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
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The husband left the snowy streets of Portland for a vacation in California. His wife was planning to join him next day. When he reached their hotel, he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. Unfortunately, he addressed it to some other e-mail account, and an elderly woman received it, whose husband passed away two days before. She screamed and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Her son rushed into the living room and saw the e-mail on the screen:
"Dearest Wife, I checked-in. For your arrival, everything is prepared. See you tomorrow! P.S. No doubt, hot down here."
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

How to read between the lines of a dating profile and find your future wife? Here is the smart men's dating guide:

Adventurer = Has had more partners than you ever will
Wants Soulmate = One step away from stalking
Affectionate = Possessive
Romantic = Looks better by candle light
Artist = Unreliable
Self-employed = Jobless
Beautiful = Liar
Stable = Boring
Educated = College dropout
Spiritual = Involved with a cult
Emotionally Secure means = Medicated
Open-minded = Desperate
Enjoys opera and art = Snob
Fun = Annoying
Enjoys Nature =: Bring your own granola
Intuitive = Your opinion doesn't count
Exotic Beauty = Would frighten the bugbear
Free spirit = Substance abuser
Loves Travel = If you're paying
Loves Animals = Cat lady
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The husband said to his best friend, 'Ever since I got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to run every day, stop smoking and drinking. She taught me how to enjoy fine arts and classical music, how to dress, gourmet cooking, even how to invest in the stock market.'
'It sounds like you are unhappy to this drastic change,' commented the best friend.
'I am not unhappy. Now that I am so sophisticated, for me she is just not good enough.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The middle-aged woman really thought she had been very, very patient, through a long period of dating without making plans for marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Korean restaurant. As he read the menu, he casually asked, 'So, Honey, how would you like your rice? Boiled? Steamed? Or fried?'
Without missing a beat, she looked at him in the eye and replied clearly, 'Thrown.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

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