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Marriage Jokes

When my coworker became engaged, our colleague became a wedding expert, and offered her some advice. 'The first eight years are the hardest.'
'And how long have you been married?' she asked.
'Eight years,' replied the colleague.
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Hugh was a wacky old fellow who had breakfast with his wife every morning. He was reading the morning paper while she was chatting or talked mostly only to herself. Today it was their 30th wedding anniversary.
'Hugh! Hugh! Put down that paper. Let's talk about how we are going to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary today. What do you suggest?'
Hugh put his newspaper down, stared for a moment into the distance, then asked, 'How about 30 minutes of silence?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll?
A: I don't know. It has never happened before.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Valentine's Day Consequences

At the office, where I worked, there was an angel there.
Her hair was long and flowing, and her skin was soft and fair.

I wanted so to ask her out, but I was always shy.
I thought she was too gorgeous, for me to even try.
A few times I approached her, but she just smiled and walked away.
I could not get the courage up, and "Hello" was all I'd say.

Then, I had an idea, I would get her home address,
And send a valentine to her, and with it I'd express,
The way I feel about her, and the way she makes me feel,
And the feelings that I have, are very, very real.

I will tell her, that I dream of her, and how it all would be,
If she would only take the time, to be alone with me.
I poured my heart out in the card, and ask her to be mine,
And then I dropped it in the mail - my special valentine.

In just a few short days, I had a response in my mail,
A card with her return address, I started feeling pale.
I wondered what she said in it, and what she thinks of me,
I guess the only way to know, is open it and see.

With great anticipation, I removed the envelope,
And closed my eyes a moment, as my heart filled up with hope.
I opened up my eyes to see, a card shaped like a heart,
And in the center, someone drew, a bloody piercing dart.

I opened up the card to see, if writing was inside,
And when I started reading it, I damn near almost died.
"I would love to be your valentine, but I think I will pass,
My husband says he'll be at work, to kick your tiny buttocks.

I'm glad you like my body, and you think it's really fine,
My husband says this card is going, where the sun don't shine.
In your card, you said there's things to me you'd love to do,
I think my husband's going to do, all of those things to you...

So, have a Happy Valentine's Day,
I'll see you Monday morn'...
My husband says on Tuesday,
you will wish you were never born."
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Q: How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
A: I don't know. It has never been done.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

On a visit to New York, I wanted to visit a posh department store. It was so far from our hotel, that my husband hailed a cab, 'The lady wants to go to Barneys.'
The taxi driver looked at us carefully and asked back, 'And the gentleman? Does he want to go to the bank?'
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(So far it's 4.33 point, based on 3 ratings)

Right after their wedding, the couple decided to go to a horse-riding honeymoon, and pass through one beautiful mountain in Colorado. As the horses were crossing a nice little stream, the wife's horse slipped and jostled her. The man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes.
He says, 'That is one!'
He helps to the wife and remounts his horse. They continue their ride. About an hour later the woman's horse stumbles again, stepping over a fallen tree branch. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes again.
'That is two!' he states.
He returns to his saddle again and they continue the horse-riding honeymoon. As the afternoon sun began to set above the mountain, the wife's horse once again lost its footing on a moss-grown slope. The man dismounts, goes to the wife's horse, and helps her out of the saddle. He stares in the eyes of the horse.
'That is three!' he says.
Now he takes out a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.
The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful animal killed, shouts to her husband, 'This is terrible, why would you do such a thing?!'
The man stares into his wife's eyes and says, 'That is one!'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

The husband came back from a very long business trip to see that his daughter had a new $360 bicycle.
'How did you get that, Mary?'
'By evening walks.'
'Evening walks?'
'Yes, every night when Mum's boss came over gave me $20 to go for a walk.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A couple drove several miles down a country road. They did not say any word. An earlier discussion had led to a big argument. Neither could put it aside.
As they passed a farm, with its pigs and mules, the wife sarcastically asked, 'Relatives of yours?'
The husband answered, 'Yeah, in-laws.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

George's wife bought a new line of expensive natural cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy bathroom session, applying the expensive natural cosmetics, she asked, 'Honey, be honest, what age would you say I am?'
Looking over her carefully, George replied, 'Judging from your hair, sixteen. Your figure, twenty-five. Your skin twenty-two.'
'Oh, you charmer!' she smiled.
'Wait a minute! I haven't added them up yet.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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