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Marriage Jokes

Luke woke up at home with a huge hangover. He forced himself to open his eyes. The first thing he saw was a some aspirin and a glass of water on the side table.
He sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean. He looked around the room and saw that everything was is in perfect order, spotless.
He took the aspirins and noticed a note on the table: "Darling, breakfast is in the oven, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he tried to recover from his huge hangover and went downstairs to the kitchen. Sure enough there was a hot breakfast in the oven, and the morning newspaper prepared onto the breakfast table.
His son sat at the table, eating.
'Scotty, can you tell what happened last night?'
His son replied, 'Well, you came home after 4 AM, drunk and delirious as heck. You puked in the hallway, broke some furniture, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.'
'But then, why is everything spotless and clean, and hot breakfast waiting for me? I have a huge hangover and I am confused.'
His son answered, 'Oh that! Well, Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you said: "I'm married, lady leave me alone!"
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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money met his lawyer.
'If I lose this case, me and my family will be ruined.'
'Everything is in the judge's hands now,' said the lawyer.
'Would it help if I sent the judge a box of quality cigars?'
'Oh, no and no! This judge is a sticks to ethical behavior. A gift like that would prejudice him against you. He might even put you in jail because of contempt of court. To be honest you shouldn't even smile at that judge.'
Finally the judge made a decision in favor of the defendant. As he and his lawyer left the courthouse he said, 'Thank you for the tip about the cigars. It worked!'
'I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent the box of quality cigars.'
'But, I did send them.'
'What, you did???' asked the lawyer, astonished.
'Yes. That is how we won the case.'
'I do not understand,' said the lawyer.
'It is easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card.'
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There are big differences between men and women

A man pays $3 for a $2 item which he needs.
A woman pays $2 for a $3 item which she does not need.

A woman worries about the future until she marries.
A man never worries about the future until he marries.

A successful husband is someone who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful wife is someone who can find such a man.

To be happy with your husband, you must understand him a lot and love him only a little.
To be happy with your wife, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

A woman marries expecting the man will change. But he doesn't.
A man marries expecting that the woman won't change. But she does.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman. The first is before, the second is after marriage.
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Valentine's Day Consequences

At the office, where I worked, there was an angel there.
Her hair was long and flowing, and her skin was soft and fair.

I wanted so to ask her out, but I was always shy.
I thought she was too gorgeous, for me to even try.
A few times I approached her, but she just smiled and walked away.
I could not get the courage up, and "Hello" was all I'd say.

Then, I had an idea, I would get her home address,
And send a valentine to her, and with it I'd express,
The way I feel about her, and the way she makes me feel,
And the feelings that I have, are very, very real.

I will tell her, that I dream of her, and how it all would be,
If she would only take the time, to be alone with me.
I poured my heart out in the card, and ask her to be mine,
And then I dropped it in the mail - my special valentine.

In just a few short days, I had a response in my mail,
A card with her return address, I started feeling pale.
I wondered what she said in it, and what she thinks of me,
I guess the only way to know, is open it and see.

With great anticipation, I removed the envelope,
And closed my eyes a moment, as my heart filled up with hope.
I opened up my eyes to see, a card shaped like a heart,
And in the center, someone drew, a bloody piercing dart.

I opened up the card to see, if writing was inside,
And when I started reading it, I damn near almost died.
"I would love to be your valentine, but I think I will pass,
My husband says he'll be at work, to kick your tiny buttocks.

I'm glad you like my body, and you think it's really fine,
My husband says this card is going, where the sun don't shine.
In your card, you said there's things to me you'd love to do,
I think my husband's going to do, all of those things to you...

So, have a Happy Valentine's Day,
I'll see you Monday morn'...
My husband says on Tuesday,
you will wish you were never born."
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I was on the way home from the office. I was working late that day, it was one of those stressful days. Suddenly my mobile rang, and it was my husband, asking, 'Will you join me in the whirlpool bath tonight?'
I thought it would be a nice ending for this day. I was about to say yes to his question, when he continued, 'Because if you're not, I have to pour more water to the tub.'
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A lady was shopping for Thanksgiving. She was searching through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store. She just couldn't find one big enough for the whole family. After all her husband's relatives all were invited, wives, husbands, children.
She asked the vendor, 'Excuse me, I am shopping for Thanksgiving. Will the turkeys get any bigger?'
The vendor replied, 'No. They are dead.'
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A wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's wooden crib one evening. Silently she watched him. She saw a mixture of emotions on his face. Amazement, doubt, disbelief, delight. Touched by the deep emotions and this sweet situation, she walked to the baby's wooden crib and slipped her arms around her husband.
'A penny for your thoughts,' she whispered in his ear.
'It is amazing darling!' he replied. 'I just cannot understand how anybody can make a wooden crib like that for only $39,90!'
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A husband and a wife interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. 'I would like a tooth to be pulled out. That would be all. We are in a hurry, so Novocaine is not needed,' said the wife. 'Just be as quick as possible and extract the tooth so we can continue our trip.'
The dentist was quite impressed, 'You are a determined, courageous woman, no doubt. Which tooth is it?'
The woman turned to her husband and said, 'Show him your tooth.'
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One Saturday my phone rang several times throughout the evening. Each time, a woman's voice asked for Marty. Each time I politely explained that I lived alone, my name wasn't Marty, and she called a wrong number. The seventh time she called, I had had enough.
'Hello?' I said.
'Can I speak to Marty, please?' she asked.
'I am sorry, he is not here right now. Can I take a message for Marty?'
'Do you know what time he will be back?'
'I think he said he'd be back around 8 p.m.'
Confused silence on the other end...
'Is this John?'
'Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Marty?'
'Well, he said he would be back tonight and asked me to call him,' she said in a somewhat irritated voice.
'Well, he went out with Rita, about an hour ago and said that he would be back at 8 p.m.'
A shocked voice now, 'Who's Rita?!'
'The girl he went out with.'
'I know that! I mean... who the heck is she?'
'Look, I don't know her last name. Do you want me to leave a message for Marty?'
'Yes, please do. Tell him to call me as soon as he gets home.'
She was sounding really angry at this point.
'I sure will. Is this Nicole?'
She exploded, 'Who's Nicole?'
Apparently she was not.
'Well, he's going out with Nicole at 8 p.m. I thought you were her. Sorry for that, it was an honest mistake.'
'Marty is the one that has made the mistake! Tell him that Ruby called him and she is extremely upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home!'
I smiled on the other end of the line and replied, 'Ok, I will tell him, but Gina will not like this...'
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Dan was living in sunny France, and the heat wave did not wanted to stop.
'It is just too hot to wear any clothes today!' complained Dan as he stepped out of the bathroom. 'Sweetheart, what do you think the neighbors would reckon if I did some gardening like this?'
'I know exactly. Probably they would reckon that I married you for your money.'
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