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Marriage Jokes

If husbands could rewrite "The Rules"

Nr. 1. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other way.

Nr. 2. Anything we said more thank five months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after one week.

Nr. 3. It is in neither our best interest nor yours to make us take those stupid magazine quizzes together.

Nr. 4. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

Nr. 5. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during time-outs or commercials.

Nr. 6. When we are turning the car onto the ramp, you saying: "This is our exit" is unnecessary.

Nr. 7. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
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Q: Have you ever seen Ray Charles' wife?
A: Neither has he.
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Luke woke up at home with a huge hangover. He forced himself to open his eyes. The first thing he saw was a some aspirin and a glass of water on the side table.
He sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean. He looked around the room and saw that everything was is in perfect order, spotless.
He took the aspirins and noticed a note on the table: "Darling, breakfast is in the oven, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he tried to recover from his huge hangover and went downstairs to the kitchen. Sure enough there was a hot breakfast in the oven, and the morning newspaper prepared onto the breakfast table.
His son sat at the table, eating.
'Scotty, can you tell what happened last night?'
His son replied, 'Well, you came home after 4 AM, drunk and delirious as heck. You puked in the hallway, broke some furniture, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.'
'But then, why is everything spotless and clean, and hot breakfast waiting for me? I have a huge hangover and I am confused.'
His son answered, 'Oh that! Well, Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you said: "I'm married, lady leave me alone!"
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While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Don and his wife Katie listened to the instructor.
'It's crucial that wives and husbands know the things that are important to each other.'
He addressed the men, 'Could you describe your wife's favorite ice cream flavor?'
Don leaned over, touched his wife's knee gently and whispered, black forest, isn't it?'
The rest of the story is not public.
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Our parents had not been out together on a traditional date in quite some time. One Friday, as my mother was finishing the dinner dishes, my dad stepped up behind her.
'Can I take you out, girl?' he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, 'Oh, yes, I would love to go out!'
They had a lovely, traditional date, however at the end of it my father confessed. His question had been directed to our dog actually, who was lying on the kitchen floor near my mother's feet.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in nearly one year. I love her and I don't want to interrupt her!
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In the kitchen of a suburban home, after a quarrel, the wife said to the husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I got married!'
The husband replied, 'Yes you were, but I was in love and didn't notice!'
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An elderly lady decided to have her portrait painted. She instructed the artist, 'Paint me with a ruby necklace, a diamond ring, and an emerald bracelet, jade earrings and a Cartier watch.
'But you are not wearing any of those.' the artist said.
'I know, I know. But if I die before my husband, I am pretty sure he will marry again, and I want to drive his new wife crazy with my jewelry!'
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Old Farmer Billy Bob was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he told his wife, 'Mary-Ann, when I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Thompson.'
'No, I will not marry anyone after you,' sobbed the wife.
'But this is what I want.'
'But why?'
'Thompson cheated me on the horse race!'
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Here are the best five seminars for your wife to attend:

1. How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Husband
2. When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You
3. How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking
4. Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart
5. How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother
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