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Lawyer Jokes

One day a prominent partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a car and he died. His soul arrived up in heaven. There he met St. Peter himself.
'Welcome to heaven!' started St. Peter, 'Before you go in it seems we have a small problem. You know, we have never once had an law firm partner here and we are not really sure what to do with you.'
'It's okay, just let me in,' replied the man.
'Well, I would like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in hell and then a day in heaven. After this, you can choose where you want to spend an eternity.'
'I think I have already made up my mind. I prefer to stay in heaven', said the law firm partner.
'I see, but we have strict rules.'
So St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and some minutes later its door opened to the depths of hell. But the man found himself on a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and there were all his old friends, including attorneys that he had worked with, and everybody was elegantly dressed, drinking champagne. They greeted him warmly, and they talked about the good old times. After an excellent round of golf, the dinner was lobster and the most delicious steak he had ever tasted. He met the Devil who was actually a really funny guy. He was having such a good time that before he knew it, the day was over. Everybody waved goodbye as he got in the elevator to heaven.
'Now it is time to spend a day in heaven,' St. Peter said
So he spent the day playing the harp, dancing around on clouds and singing. It was very peaceful and relaxing, and he had a great time. Before he knew it, his day flew by.
'So, you have spent a day in hell and then you have spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity.'
The law firm partner was thinking, but replied, 'I never thought I would say this. Heaven is a great place and all, but I think I choose hell.'
St. Peter escorted him to the elevator. When the doors opened he found himself standing in a bare wasteland covered in blood. All of his friends were burning in flame, demons were picking and cutting them with forks. The Devil came to welcome him.
'I don't understand,' said the nervous man, 'Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we had a great time. Now this is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are tortured.'
The Devil looked at him and smiled, 'Yesterday we were recruiting you. But today you are an associate.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

An eminent psychologist had to testify in court. He sat down in the witness chair, showing that he is a cold, dispassionate professional. He was unaware that its legs weren't fixed.
'Will you state your name?' asked the attorney-at-law.
He opened his mouth to answer but tilting back in the witness chair he felt onto the table of the evidences and recording equipment.
The room kept silent as he stood up, rearranged his suit and hair and sat back.
'Well, doctor,' continued the attorney-at-law without changing expression, 'we can start with an easier question.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A lawyer named Strange died. His best friend asked the local tombstone maker to engrave into his tombstone: "Here lies Strange, a lawyer and an honest man"
The tombstone maker insisted that such a carving would be very confusing. Passers would think that three men were buried under the stone. He suggested an alternative solution. He would engrave: "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
So those who are passing by would remark, 'That's Strange!'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

Q: Tell me the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline!
A: To jump on a trampoline, you take your shoes off.
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'My neighbor owes me $200 and he doesn't want to pay it back. Can you help me?' asked the man from his lawyer.
'Do you have any proof?' asked his lawyer.
'No, I don't,' answered the man.
'Hmmm... Then write him a letter asking him for the $400 he owed you,' advised the lawyer.
'But my neighbor owes me only $200,' replied the man.
'Yes, this is what he will reply. Then we will have the proof we need to catch him.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 3 ratings)

After some years of really hard, 7/24 work, Edward rewarded himself with a long, luxurious vacation on an exclusive Caribbean cruise ship. While relaxing on the sun terrace, he was surprised to see his high school classmate. They hadn't seen each other since then. His old friend was messed up at the end of the school years, and a Caribbean cruise ship was the last place where Edward expected to see him.
Joe approached him, and greeted, 'Ken, it's me, Ed, from high school. Long time no see. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself.'
'I am, thank you,' whispered Ken. 'I'm a partner with a lucrative law firm. But please don't tell Mum. She thinks that I was a drug dealer in high school, and she would be desperate if she figured out how I really earn a living.'
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Thomas needed legal advice. He walked into the local legal office to consult the senior member of the family firm.
'So, if you are not rally in bad trouble, I will take your case,' started the senior lawyer. 'If you are in real trouble and want to get out of it as soon as possible, my partner will take it. If you are not involved but want to get into trouble, my son, who just graduated will take it!'
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'Time to admit. Did you kill the witness?' asked the prosecutor.
'No, I did not kill the witness,' replied the defendant.
'Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?'
'Yes, I do know, and they are a lot better than the penalty for murder.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Two squirrels were jumping together in the forest. The first one saw a nut, 'Oh, look! There is a nut on the ground!'
The second squirrel jumped there and said, 'It is my nut!'
The first jumped there, too, and said, 'That is not fair, this is mine because I saw it first!'
The second squirrel argued, 'You may have seen it first, but I have it now.'
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up from nowhere and said, 'You two, do not fight over a nut. Let me resolve this dispute.'
The two squirrels nodded.
The lawyer squirrel said, 'OK, give me the nut.' He broke the nut in half, and handed one half to the first and one half to the second squirrel. 'See? Now the dispute is resolved without any fight.'
Then he reached over and said, 'Now, I am taking the meat, which is my fee.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A lady went to a brain store to get some brain. She wanted to complete her study. She saw a sign showing the quality of different types of brain offered. It was not so clear, she had to ask the vendor about the costs.
'How much does it cost for programmer brain?'
'4 dollars an ounce.'
'How much does it cost for engineer brain?'
'6 dollars an ounce.'
'Hmm, I see. How much for lawyer brain?'
'2,500 dollars an ounce.'
'OMG, why is lawyer brain so expensive?'
'Do you know how many lawyers we have to kill to get one ounce?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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