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Lawyer Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a bucket of dirt and a lawyer?
A: The bucket.

Q: You are in a room with a lawyer, Saddam Hussein and Adolf Hitler. You have a gun with two bullets. Who do you shoot?
A: The lawyer, twice. Just to make sure he is dead.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God does not think he's a lawyer.

Q: Why did the post office stopped issuing lawyer stamps?
A: People did not know which side to spit on.

Q: Do you know where I can find a good lawyer?
A: Sure, in the cemetery.
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Q: Why will never a shark attack a lawyer?
A: Professional courtesy.
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One day a prominent partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a car and he died. His soul arrived up in heaven. There he met St. Peter himself.
'Welcome to heaven!' started St. Peter, 'Before you go in it seems we have a small problem. You know, we have never once had an law firm partner here and we are not really sure what to do with you.'
'It's okay, just let me in,' replied the man.
'Well, I would like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in hell and then a day in heaven. After this, you can choose where you want to spend an eternity.'
'I think I have already made up my mind. I prefer to stay in heaven', said the law firm partner.
'I see, but we have strict rules.'
So St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and some minutes later its door opened to the depths of hell. But the man found himself on a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and there were all his old friends, including attorneys that he had worked with, and everybody was elegantly dressed, drinking champagne. They greeted him warmly, and they talked about the good old times. After an excellent round of golf, the dinner was lobster and the most delicious steak he had ever tasted. He met the Devil who was actually a really funny guy. He was having such a good time that before he knew it, the day was over. Everybody waved goodbye as he got in the elevator to heaven.
'Now it is time to spend a day in heaven,' St. Peter said
So he spent the day playing the harp, dancing around on clouds and singing. It was very peaceful and relaxing, and he had a great time. Before he knew it, his day flew by.
'So, you have spent a day in hell and then you have spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity.'
The law firm partner was thinking, but replied, 'I never thought I would say this. Heaven is a great place and all, but I think I choose hell.'
St. Peter escorted him to the elevator. When the doors opened he found himself standing in a bare wasteland covered in blood. All of his friends were burning in flame, demons were picking and cutting them with forks. The Devil came to welcome him.
'I don't understand,' said the nervous man, 'Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we had a great time. Now this is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are tortured.'
The Devil looked at him and smiled, 'Yesterday we were recruiting you. But today you are an associate.'
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After some years of really hard, 7/24 work, Edward rewarded himself with a long, luxurious vacation on an exclusive Caribbean cruise ship. While relaxing on the sun terrace, he was surprised to see his high school classmate. They hadn't seen each other since then. His old friend was messed up at the end of the school years, and a Caribbean cruise ship was the last place where Edward expected to see him.
Joe approached him, and greeted, 'Ken, it's me, Ed, from high school. Long time no see. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself.'
'I am, thank you,' whispered Ken. 'I'm a partner with a lucrative law firm. But please don't tell Mum. She thinks that I was a drug dealer in high school, and she would be desperate if she figured out how I really earn a living.'
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Q: Why are lawyers buried 15 feet underground?
A: Because deep down they are not that bad.
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There was a construction worker who unfortunately slipped and fell down from the 20th floor of the skyscraper he was building. He arrived at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter said, 'Oh, I am terribly sorry, my dear son, but there is a mistake, you have been sentenced to hell.'
The worker sadly agreed and he was on his way down.
When he arrived, the devil greeted him and said, 'Hello my new slave. We shall throw you in the fiery pits to burn you.'
Then the worker replied, 'That high wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first. Then you could throw me in the pit.'
So he fixed the wall.
Satan was very impressed and asked, 'Hmmm, what else can you build?'
The construction worker told everything about his job passionately and made many improvements in hell. Actually hell became a paradise. It had everything what you could wish for from pools to air conditioning.
A few days passed by and God called Satan and said, 'I reckon there is a mistake. The construction worker should come to heaven.'
Satan replied, 'No way! He has built for us all sorts of useful stuff. We are keeping him.'
God replied, 'Oh, yeah? Really? See you in court! We are going to sue you!'
Satan just laughed, 'And where will you find a lawyer?'
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Q: Can you tell the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A: Wings.
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Mr. Longstone was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.
'You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?' he asked.
'Yes, I understand,' replied his client.
'Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the complete truth?'
The client looked at him and said, 'We will win, I guess.'
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A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a lawyer were on an electric car test drive. They stopped at a farmer's house. The battery had to be recharged. The farmer said that there were only two extra beds for the night, so one person would have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu said, 'I will sleep in the barn, I am humble.' So, he went out. In a few minutes, the farmer heard a knock on the door. It was the Hindu and he said, 'There is a cow in the barn. It is against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.'
So, the Rabbi said, 'I am humble, I will sleep in the barn then. Tomorrow we can continue our electric car test drive refreshed.' A few minutes later, he came back. He said that it was against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig.
So, the lawyer was forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door. It was the pig and the cow.
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One day a man went to the post office. As he entered, he saw a balding, middle-aged man standing at the counter. He was precisely placing "LOVE" stamps on pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then he took out a perfume bottle and started spraying scent all over them and a bunch of Valentine cards.
The man was more than curious, so he asked the balding man, 'Excuse me, what are you doing?'
The balding man replied, 'I am writing "Guess Who" onto 500 Valentine cards and I am going to send them out.'
'But why? Valentine cards, I don't understand...' said the curious man.
'Well, I'm a divorce lawyer.'
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