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Lawyer Jokes

'What was the first thing your wife said to you when she woke up that morning?' asked the lawyer.
'She said: "Where am I, Peter?". That's what she said, exactly these words, when she woke up,' replied the husband.
'And why did that upset you?'
'Because my name is Tony.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A lawyer was driving his brand new Porsche down the highway, singing happily to himself, 'I love my brand new Porsche, I love my brand new Porsche...'
Focusing on the song for his car instead of his driving, he smashed into a tree. Miraculously, he survived, but the car was wrecked.
'My brand new Porsche! My brand new Porsche!' he cried.
A good Samaritan stopped to help him.
'Mister, you are bleeding! And my great god, your right arm is gone!'
'Oh my brand new Rolex! Oh my brand new Rolex!' cried the lawyer.
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The relatives gathered for the reading of the wealthy widower's last will and testament. They were eager to hear it after the long-awaited death. The lawyer read out the lines, 'Being of sound mind, I had spent every last dollar before I died.'
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The prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial in a village in the East. She was a lovely elderly lady. He asked, 'Mrs. Smith, do you know me?'
She answered, 'Sure I do know you, Mr. Dickens. I have known you since you were a young boy. Yes, you have been a big disappointment to me. You cheat on your lovely wife, you are a liar, you manipulate everybody and talk about them behind their backs. You think too much about yourself while you don't realize you will never have the success you run for. Yes, I do know you.'
The prosecuting attorney was shocked.
Not knowing what else to do, he asked, 'Mrs. Smith, do you know the defense attorney?'
She answered again, 'Sure, I do. I have known Mr. Cooper since he was a youngster, too. He is lazy and has a drinking problem. His law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. He cannot build a normal relationship with anyone. He has also cheated on his loving wife with four different women. Yes, I do know him.'
The defense attorney was in shock.
At this point the judge asked the prosecuting and defense attorney to himself and in a very quiet voice said, 'If either of you dares to ask her if she knows me, you will be jailed for contempt of court!'
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A lawyer had a jury trial in a very complex business contract related case. His client was out of the city when the jury came back with its decision.
The lawyer immediately sent a voicemail to the client at the end of the trial, saying, 'Justice has triumphed!'
The client called him back, yelling, 'Appeal at once!'
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A judge, frustrated and really bored by a lawyer's tiresome arguments, wanted to accelerate the trial. Their tempers grew hot. Finally, still frustrated with another repetition of incorrect, tiresome arguments the judge pointed to his ear and said, 'At this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other.'
'Your honor,' started the lawyer, 'what is there to prevent it?'
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Q: Why are lawyers buried 15 feet underground?
A: Because deep down they are not that bad.
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There was a construction worker who unfortunately slipped and fell down from the 20th floor of the skyscraper he was building. He arrived at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter said, 'Oh, I am terribly sorry, my dear son, but there is a mistake, you have been sentenced to hell.'
The worker sadly agreed and he was on his way down.
When he arrived, the devil greeted him and said, 'Hello my new slave. We shall throw you in the fiery pits to burn you.'
Then the worker replied, 'That high wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first. Then you could throw me in the pit.'
So he fixed the wall.
Satan was very impressed and asked, 'Hmmm, what else can you build?'
The construction worker told everything about his job passionately and made many improvements in hell. Actually hell became a paradise. It had everything what you could wish for from pools to air conditioning.
A few days passed by and God called Satan and said, 'I reckon there is a mistake. The construction worker should come to heaven.'
Satan replied, 'No way! He has built for us all sorts of useful stuff. We are keeping him.'
God replied, 'Oh, yeah? Really? See you in court! We are going to sue you!'
Satan just laughed, 'And where will you find a lawyer?'
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There were four men at a bar. One of them got drunk sooner then the others and started a bar fight. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. He stood before the judge next day. The judge started, 'There are consequences of a fist fight. Where do you work?'
The man replied, 'Here and there.'
The judge asked, 'Well, what do you do for a living?'
The man replied. 'This and that.'
The judge said, 'Take him away.'
The man asked, 'Wait, wait, when will I get out?'
The judge replied, 'Sooner or later.'
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Q: What is the difference between a bucket of dirt and a lawyer?
A: The bucket.

Q: You are in a room with a lawyer, Saddam Hussein and Adolf Hitler. You have a gun with two bullets. Who do you shoot?
A: The lawyer, twice. Just to make sure he is dead.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God does not think he's a lawyer.

Q: Why did the post office stopped issuing lawyer stamps?
A: People did not know which side to spit on.

Q: Do you know where I can find a good lawyer?
A: Sure, in the cemetery.
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