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Lawyer Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a vampires and a lawyers?
A: Vampires only suck blood at night.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A lawyer named Strange died. His best friend asked the local tombstone maker to engrave into his tombstone: "Here lies Strange, a lawyer and an honest man"
The tombstone maker insisted that such a carving would be very confusing. Passers would think that three men were buried under the stone. He suggested an alternative solution. He would engrave: "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
So those who are passing by would remark, 'That's Strange!'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

'Time to admit. Did you kill the witness?' asked the prosecutor.
'No, I did not kill the witness,' replied the defendant.
'Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?'
'Yes, I do know, and they are a lot better than the penalty for murder.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

An attorney called the governor before sunrise, insisting that he has to talk to him, and the matter is more than urgent. Finally the maid woke up the governor, giving him the phone. 'So, what is so urgent?' asked the governor.
'Judge Tobias has just died,' said the attorney, 'and I want to take his place.'
The governor replied, 'It is okay with me if it is okay with the undertaker.'
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(So far it's 3.67 point, based on 3 ratings)

A Yale and a Harvard law graduate met in a restroom during a law convention.
The Yale graduate asked, 'Didn't they teach you to wash your hands at Harvard?'
The Harvard graduate responded, 'They taught us not to piss on our hands.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

After graduating from college the son returned home to join his father's law firm. He was a popular lawyer and his son dreamed of following in his footsteps. He wished to prove himself and become a worthy and skilled lawyer. At the end of his first day working at a law firm he rushed into his father's office.
'Father! I settled that Lawrence case and saved the client a fortune on my first day working at a law firm! That case, you always said it would go on forever! You know, the one you have been toiling on for ten years!'
His father frowned, 'Son, firstly, I did not say that it would go on forever. I said that it could go on forever. That is not the same, you should know that, you are now working at a law firm. Secondly, when you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't you realized that I was billing by the hour?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

At the age of 42, Fred, the lawyer died suddenly. He got to the pearly gates of Heaven. 'We have been waiting a long time for you,' said the angel standing there.
'How is that possible? I am only 42, why did I have to die now?'
'42? Fred, you are 88,' replied the angel.
'Wait a minute. Then you have the wrong guy, I am only 42. I can prove it, I can show you my birth certificate.'
'Wait a sec, let me check,' said the angel, and disappeared. After a few minutes returned and said, 'I am sorry, but by our records you are 88. I've just re-checked all the hours billed to clients, and you have to be 88...'
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A lawyer had a jury trial in a very complex business contract related case. His client was out of the city when the jury came back with its decision.
The lawyer immediately sent a voicemail to the client at the end of the trial, saying, 'Justice has triumphed!'
The client called him back, yelling, 'Appeal at once!'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

Mr. Longstone was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.
'You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?' he asked.
'Yes, I understand,' replied his client.
'Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the complete truth?'
The client looked at him and said, 'We will win, I guess.'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

The relatives gathered for the reading of the wealthy widower's last will and testament. They were eager to hear it after the long-awaited death. The lawyer read out the lines, 'Being of sound mind, I had spent every last dollar before I died.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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