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Lawyer Jokes

The doctor, the engineer, and the lawyer were discussing about whose is the oldest profession. The doctor said, 'In the Bible on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and created Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.'
The engineer argued, 'But, before that, God created heaven and earth from confusion and chaos. Therefore he was the first engineer, so engineering is the oldest profession.'
The lawyer spoke up, 'Yes, but who do you think created all of the confusion and chaos ?'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

Q: Why will never a shark attack a lawyer?
A: Professional courtesy.
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After some years of really hard, 7/24 work, Edward rewarded himself with a long, luxurious vacation on an exclusive Caribbean cruise ship. While relaxing on the sun terrace, he was surprised to see his high school classmate. They hadn't seen each other since then. His old friend was messed up at the end of the school years, and a Caribbean cruise ship was the last place where Edward expected to see him.
Joe approached him, and greeted, 'Ken, it's me, Ed, from high school. Long time no see. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself.'
'I am, thank you,' whispered Ken. 'I'm a partner with a lucrative law firm. But please don't tell Mum. She thinks that I was a drug dealer in high school, and she would be desperate if she figured out how I really earn a living.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

An eminent psychologist had to testify in court. He sat down in the witness chair, showing that he is a cold, dispassionate professional. He was unaware that its legs weren't fixed.
'Will you state your name?' asked the attorney-at-law.
He opened his mouth to answer but tilting back in the witness chair he felt onto the table of the evidences and recording equipment.
The room kept silent as he stood up, rearranged his suit and hair and sat back.
'Well, doctor,' continued the attorney-at-law without changing expression, 'we can start with an easier question.'
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Two squirrels were jumping together in the forest. The first one saw a nut, 'Oh, look! There is a nut on the ground!'
The second squirrel jumped there and said, 'It is my nut!'
The first jumped there, too, and said, 'That is not fair, this is mine because I saw it first!'
The second squirrel argued, 'You may have seen it first, but I have it now.'
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up from nowhere and said, 'You two, do not fight over a nut. Let me resolve this dispute.'
The two squirrels nodded.
The lawyer squirrel said, 'OK, give me the nut.' He broke the nut in half, and handed one half to the first and one half to the second squirrel. 'See? Now the dispute is resolved without any fight.'
Then he reached over and said, 'Now, I am taking the meat, which is my fee.'
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Q: What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?
A: She is the sister-in-law.
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A greedy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with terminal cancer was determined to prove wrong the saying: "You can't take money with you."
After a long time of thinking he finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his son to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill three pillow cases. He then instructed him to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His theory was that, when he passed away, he would hug the pillow cases on his way to heaven.
Two months after the funeral, the son went up to search for some docs in the attic. There were the three forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
'Oh, that greedy old fool!' he exclaimed. 'I knew I should have put the money in the basement!'
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Q: Have you heard about the old redneck who shot his wife dead?
A: Yes, he had some lawyer, who got him off scot-free, saying, 'Have a heart, Judge. After all, my client is a widower.'
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Q: What do you do when you see a lawyer buried in sand up to his neck?
A: I bring more sand.
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A lawyer had a jury trial in a very complex business contract related case. His client was out of the city when the jury came back with its decision.
The lawyer immediately sent a voicemail to the client at the end of the trial, saying, 'Justice has triumphed!'
The client called him back, yelling, 'Appeal at once!'
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