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Lawyer Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a vampires and a lawyers?
A: Vampires only suck blood at night.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

After an extensive, long divorce negotiation with the ex-husband, the lawyer calls his client.
'Hello Mrs. DeLange! I have succeeded in making a settlement. The result is remarkably fair to both of you.'
'Remarkably fair to both of us?!' exploded Mrs. DeLange. 'I could have done that myself! What do you think, why I hired a lawyer???'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

There were four men at a bar. One of them got drunk sooner then the others and started a bar fight. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. He stood before the judge next day. The judge started, 'There are consequences of a fist fight. Where do you work?'
The man replied, 'Here and there.'
The judge asked, 'Well, what do you do for a living?'
The man replied. 'This and that.'
The judge said, 'Take him away.'
The man asked, 'Wait, wait, when will I get out?'
The judge replied, 'Sooner or later.'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Q: Have you heard about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: It is called, Sosumi.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Q: You are stuck in a cave with an anaconda, a lion, a terrorist and a lawyer. You only have three bullets in your gun. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer three times.
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

A judge, frustrated and really bored by a lawyer's tiresome arguments, wanted to accelerate the trial. Their tempers grew hot. Finally, still frustrated with another repetition of incorrect, tiresome arguments the judge pointed to his ear and said, 'At this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other.'
'Your honor,' started the lawyer, 'what is there to prevent it?'
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Q: Can you tell the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A: Wings.
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

'Time to admit. Did you kill the witness?' asked the prosecutor.
'No, I did not kill the witness,' replied the defendant.
'Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?'
'Yes, I do know, and they are a lot better than the penalty for murder.'
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A greedy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with terminal cancer was determined to prove wrong the saying: "You can't take money with you."
After a long time of thinking he finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his son to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill three pillow cases. He then instructed him to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His theory was that, when he passed away, he would hug the pillow cases on his way to heaven.
Two months after the funeral, the son went up to search for some docs in the attic. There were the three forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
'Oh, that greedy old fool!' he exclaimed. 'I knew I should have put the money in the basement!'
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Q: What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?
A: She is the sister-in-law.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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