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Lawyer Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a vampires and a lawyers?
A: Vampires only suck blood at night.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

An attorney called the governor before sunrise, insisting that he has to talk to him, and the matter is more than urgent. Finally the maid woke up the governor, giving him the phone. 'So, what is so urgent?' asked the governor.
'Judge Tobias has just died,' said the attorney, 'and I want to take his place.'
The governor replied, 'It is okay with me if it is okay with the undertaker.'
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(So far it's 3.67 point, based on 3 ratings)

One day an enthusiastic engineer died and went to hell. Once he was there, he created lots of useful and spectacular machines for the devil with his engineering ingenuity.
God saw how cool place hell would become, and he asked jealously, 'Devil,how come that hell is becoming such a cool place...?'
The devil replied, 'We have a man down here, and his engineering ingenuity is limitless. You can't do anything about it!'
God was furious, 'Oh, do you think?! I'll sue you!'
The devil answered calmly, 'Oh yeah? From where are you going to get a lawyer...?'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

A lawyer named Strange died. His best friend asked the local tombstone maker to engrave into his tombstone: "Here lies Strange, a lawyer and an honest man"
The tombstone maker insisted that such a carving would be very confusing. Passers would think that three men were buried under the stone. He suggested an alternative solution. He would engrave: "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
So those who are passing by would remark, 'That's Strange!'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

Mr. Longstone was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.
'You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?' he asked.
'Yes, I understand,' replied his client.
'Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the complete truth?'
The client looked at him and said, 'We will win, I guess.'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

At a Halloween party a real doctor and a real lawyer engaged in a conversation. They were interrupted repeatedly by other guests who knew the doctor and asked for medical advice.
The annoyed doctor finally blurted out, 'What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you are out of the office? Even here, at a Halloween party they keep coming to me.'
The lawyer replied, 'You see, when they ask, I give them legal advice, but then I send them a bill next morning.'
The doctor decided to take the fantastic advice and for the rest of the evening he wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him.
The next morning as he took out the list from his pocket, his secretary walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Q: Can you tell the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A: Wings.
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Two. All the rest are true.

Q: Why does Florida have the most attorneys, and Washington have the most toxic waste dumps?
A: Washington picked first.

Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes three. The first one turns the bulb, the second one shakes him off the ladder, and the third one sues the ladder company.

Q: What is the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

'Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case. The basis is the newly discovered evidence,' said the lawyer.
'And what's the nature of this new evidence?' asked the judge.
'Judge, I saw that my client still has $800 left.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

'This is definitely not an ordinary case. It must be argued very carefully. I let you hire three lawyers,' said the judge to the defendant.
The defendant asked, 'Instead of hiring three lawyers, couldn't you hunt up only one good witness?'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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