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Lawyer Jokes

The doctor, the engineer, and the lawyer were discussing about whose is the oldest profession. The doctor said, 'In the Bible on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and created Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.'
The engineer argued, 'But, before that, God created heaven and earth from confusion and chaos. Therefore he was the first engineer, so engineering is the oldest profession.'
The lawyer spoke up, 'Yes, but who do you think created all of the confusion and chaos ?'
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The pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing on the water due to aircraft engine malfunction.
A few minutes later, he asked the stewardess if everyone was buckled in and ready.
'Everything is OK, Captain,' she replied, 'except that the lawyers are still going up and down passing out business cards.'
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Q: What is the difference between a bucket of dirt and a lawyer?
A: The bucket.

Q: You are in a room with a lawyer, Saddam Hussein and Adolf Hitler. You have a gun with two bullets. Who do you shoot?
A: The lawyer, twice. Just to make sure he is dead.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God does not think he's a lawyer.

Q: Why did the post office stopped issuing lawyer stamps?
A: People did not know which side to spit on.

Q: Do you know where I can find a good lawyer?
A: Sure, in the cemetery.
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After some years of really hard, 7/24 work, Edward rewarded himself with a long, luxurious vacation on an exclusive Caribbean cruise ship. While relaxing on the sun terrace, he was surprised to see his high school classmate. They hadn't seen each other since then. His old friend was messed up at the end of the school years, and a Caribbean cruise ship was the last place where Edward expected to see him.
Joe approached him, and greeted, 'Ken, it's me, Ed, from high school. Long time no see. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself.'
'I am, thank you,' whispered Ken. 'I'm a partner with a lucrative law firm. But please don't tell Mum. She thinks that I was a drug dealer in high school, and she would be desperate if she figured out how I really earn a living.'
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Short answer: You will no find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.

Long answer: You need three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.

Lawyer answer:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., elucidation, the lighting, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (east) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to the steps in attachment "B".
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Q: How do you know that a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
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A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a lawyer were on an electric car test drive. They stopped at a farmer's house. The battery had to be recharged. The farmer said that there were only two extra beds for the night, so one person would have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu said, 'I will sleep in the barn, I am humble.' So, he went out. In a few minutes, the farmer heard a knock on the door. It was the Hindu and he said, 'There is a cow in the barn. It is against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.'
So, the Rabbi said, 'I am humble, I will sleep in the barn then. Tomorrow we can continue our electric car test drive refreshed.' A few minutes later, he came back. He said that it was against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig.
So, the lawyer was forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door. It was the pig and the cow.
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Q: Can you tell the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A: Wings.
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Q: Tell me the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline!
A: To jump on a trampoline, you take your shoes off.
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A lawyer named Strange died. His best friend asked the local tombstone maker to engrave into his tombstone: "Here lies Strange, a lawyer and an honest man"
The tombstone maker insisted that such a carving would be very confusing. Passers would think that three men were buried under the stone. He suggested an alternative solution. He would engrave: "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
So those who are passing by would remark, 'That's Strange!'
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