Lawyer Jokes

'Time to admit. Did you kill the witness?' asked the prosecutor.
'No, I did not kill the witness,' replied the defendant.
'Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?'
'Yes, I do know, and they are a lot better than the penalty for murder.'

At a Halloween party a real doctor and a real lawyer engaged in a conversation. They were interrupted repeatedly by other guests who knew the doctor and asked for medical advice.
The annoyed doctor finally blurted out, 'What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you are out of the office? Even here, at a Halloween party they keep coming to me.'
The lawyer replied, 'You see, when they ask, I give them legal advice, but then I send them a bill next morning.'
The doctor decided to take the fantastic advice and for the rest of the evening he wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him.
The next morning as he took out the list from his pocket, his secretary walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.

'Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case. The basis is the newly discovered evidence,' said the lawyer.
'And what's the nature of this new evidence?' asked the judge.
'Judge, I saw that my client still has $800 left.'

Mr. Longstone was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.
'You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?' he asked.
'Yes, I understand,' replied his client.
'Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the complete truth?'
The client looked at him and said, 'We will win, I guess.'

One day a prominent partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a car and he died. His soul arrived up in heaven. There he met St. Peter himself.
'Welcome to heaven!' started St. Peter, 'Before you go in it seems we have a small problem. You know, we have never once had an law firm partner here and we are not really sure what to do with you.'
'It's okay, just let me in,' replied the man.
'Well, I would like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in hell and then a day in heaven. After this, you can choose where you want to spend an eternity.'
'I think I have already made up my mind. I prefer to stay in heaven', said the law firm partner.
'I see, but we have strict rules.'
So St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and some minutes later its door opened to the depths of hell. But the man found himself on a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and there were all his old friends, including attorneys that he had worked with, and everybody was elegantly dressed, drinking champagne. They greeted him warmly, and they talked about the good old times. After an excellent round of golf, the dinner was lobster and the most delicious steak he had ever tasted. He met the Devil who was actually a really funny guy. He was having such a good time that before he knew it, the day was over. Everybody waved goodbye as he got in the elevator to heaven.
'Now it is time to spend a day in heaven,' St. Peter said
So he spent the day playing the harp, dancing around on clouds and singing. It was very peaceful and relaxing, and he had a great time. Before he knew it, his day flew by.
'So, you have spent a day in hell and then you have spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity.'
The law firm partner was thinking, but replied, 'I never thought I would say this. Heaven is a great place and all, but I think I choose hell.'
St. Peter escorted him to the elevator. When the doors opened he found himself standing in a bare wasteland covered in blood. All of his friends were burning in flame, demons were picking and cutting them with forks. The Devil came to welcome him.
'I don't understand,' said the nervous man, 'Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we had a great time. Now this is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are tortured.'
The Devil looked at him and smiled, 'Yesterday we were recruiting you. But today you are an associate.'

A lawyer named Strange died. His best friend asked the local tombstone maker to engrave into his tombstone: "Here lies Strange, a lawyer and an honest man"
The tombstone maker insisted that such a carving would be very confusing. Passers would think that three men were buried under the stone. He suggested an alternative solution. He would engrave: "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
So those who are passing by would remark, 'That's Strange!'

An architect, a doctor and an lawyer were having lunch at the country club one day. They were talking about dogs and owners. They wanted to find out whose dog is the most intelligent.
The doctor offered to show his dog first, and called to the garden, 'Lincoln, come!'
The dog ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Lincoln ran to the golf course and dug for a few minutes, came back with bones and assembled them into a complete, human skeleton. The doctor patted his dog and gave him some cookies.
The architect was not impressed, and called for his dog, 'Floorplan, come!'
The dog ran in, chewed the skeleton to rubble, but then reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Eiffel Tower. The architect patted his dog and gave him some cookies.
The lawyer was not impressed, and called for his dog, 'Gibberish, come!'
Gibberish entered and immediately stole the other dog's cookies, sold the Eiffel Tower replica to the other club members for a nice profit, and went outside to play golf.

A Yale and a Harvard law graduate met in a restroom during a law convention.
The Yale graduate asked, 'Didn't they teach you to wash your hands at Harvard?'
The Harvard graduate responded, 'They taught us not to piss on our hands.'

'This is definitely not an ordinary case. It must be argued very carefully. I let you hire three lawyers,' said the judge to the defendant.
The defendant asked, 'Instead of hiring three lawyers, couldn't you hunt up only one good witness?'

Q: Why are lawyers buried 15 feet underground?
A: Because deep down they are not that bad.