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The boss called one of his employees into his office.
'Mike, you've been with the company for a year. You started in the post room, two weeks later you were promoted to a marketing position, and two short months after that you were promoted to area manager of the marketing department. Just five months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now the time has come to me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?'
'Oh, thanks!' replied the employee.
'Thanks? Is that all you can say?' asked the boss.
'I guess not, so, thank you Dad.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

'Time to admit. Did you kill the witness?' asked the prosecutor.
'No, I did not kill the witness,' replied the defendant.
'Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?'
'Yes, I do know, and they are a lot better than the penalty for murder.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

If husbands could rewrite "The Rules"

Nr. 1. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other way.

Nr. 2. Anything we said more thank five months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after one week.

Nr. 3. It is in neither our best interest nor yours to make us take those stupid magazine quizzes together.

Nr. 4. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

Nr. 5. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during time-outs or commercials.

Nr. 6. When we are turning the car onto the ramp, you saying: "This is our exit" is unnecessary.

Nr. 7. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Q: What's a Zebra?
A: The Z-bra is 25 sizes bigger than the A-bra.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

An Indian walks into the bar. He has a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He says , 'Me want beer!'
The bartender replies, 'Sure Bold Bull, here you are.'
The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, throws the bucket into the air, shoots it, then he walks out. A week later the Indian returns. He has a shotgun in one hand and a new bucket of manure in the other hand.
He says to the bartender, 'Me want beer!'
The bartender says, 'Hey, Bold Bull, we are still cleaning up your dirt from your last visit. Anyway, what was that all about?'
The Indian replies, 'Me in training for job as government employee. Drink beer, shoot shit, then no show up for a week.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Q: Have you ever seen Ray Charles' wife?
A: Neither has he.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Luke, the farm boy was drafted. After some months, on his first furlough he went home. His father asked him what was his opinion about the life in the army.
'Pa, it is pretty good, I can say. The food is not bad, the work is easy. The best thing in my life in the army that they let me sleep real late in the morning!'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A sweet little boy, when someone asked his name, always replied: "I am Mr. Leghorn's son."
His mother told him this was wrong and he must say: "I am Freddie Leghorn."
In Sunday School the priest asked him, 'Aren't you Mr. Leghorn's son?'
He replied, 'I thought I was, but Mummy says I am not.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Yo Mama's so fat she jumped up and when she came back down to the ground she knocked the earth out of orbit!
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

One benefit of getting older is that your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
One benefit of getting older is that kidnappers aren't very interested in you.
One benefit of getting older is that your secrets are safe with your friends because they cannot remember them either.
One benefit of getting older is that your eyes won't get much worse.
One benefit of getting older is that no one expects you to run into a burning building.
One benefit of getting older is that there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
One benefit of getting older is that your joints are more precise than the National Weather Service.
One benefit of getting older is that in a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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