ALL Jokes

A lady walks into a Bugatti dealership. She looks around, and after a minute she spots the perfect car. She walks over to get a closer look. As she bends to feel the quality leather upholstery, a very loud fart escapes her. Her face turns to red, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed the little accident. She hopes that a salesperson doesn't pop up right now. But as she turns back, there is one, standing next to her.
'Good morning, Madame. How can I help you today?'
Very uncomfortably she says, 'Good morning, what is the price of this lovely car?'
The salesperson answers, 'Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when I tell you the price.'

One guy told his buddy, 'You won't believe what happened last night!'
'Well then, tell me what happened last night?'
'The doorbell rang, I opened my door, and there was my ex-mother-in-law! She asked if she could stay there for a few days.'
'And what did you say?'
'I said: "Of course, you can". Then I shut the door.'

The candidate is on a job interview, at the point of the salary negotiation.
The manager says, 'For a man without any experience, you are asking for an extremely high salary.'
The candidate replies, 'Well, the tasks are much harder when you don't know what you're doing!'

Four husbands are at a bar, boasting about the control they have over their wives. One of them remains silent.
After a while, the others turn to the silent one and ask, 'Hey, what about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?'
'Well, imagine, just the other day I had her on her knees,' he says.
All the others are amazed, 'Wow! What happened next?'
The man takes a healthy sip of his beer, and mutters, 'Then she started screaming: "Get out from under the bed! Fight like a real man!"

It was the first day of school after the summer vacation. As a school bus driver it was time to pick up the children and take them home. At the end, somehow one little girl remained on the bus. Thinking she had missed her stop, I started driving slowly back and asked her to let me know if any of the houses looked familiar. The girl sat smiling in the yellow school bus and shook her head whenever I asked her if she recognized a house. I decided to go back to the school and ask for her address. When we arrived, she got off the bus and started walking away.
'Wait! We have to go inside to find out your address!'
'I live right there,' she answered, pointing to a house across the street, 'but I always wanted a ride on a yellow school bus.'

A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes by and asks if he's doing okay. The drunk replies asking, "Do you know who I am?"

The stranger says, "No. Who are you?"

The drunk proudly proclaims, "I'm Jesus Christ." He continues, "And I can prove it! Come with me!"

They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells, "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?"

A dude entered into an Irish pub and says, 'Bartender, quickly! Pour me 15 shots of your best Irish whiskey!'
And the bartender poured him 15 shots of his best Irish whiskey and watched the dude swallowing one after the other.
'Oh, man,' the bartender said, 'I have never seen anybody drinking whiskey shots so fast!'
'You would also drink them so fast if you have what I have,' the dude replied.
'For heaven's sake,' said the bartender, 'what do you have?'
'50 pennies.'

At a Halloween party a real doctor and a real lawyer engaged in a conversation. They were interrupted repeatedly by other guests who knew the doctor and asked for medical advice.
The annoyed doctor finally blurted out, 'What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you are out of the office? Even here, at a Halloween party they keep coming to me.'
The lawyer replied, 'You see, when they ask, I give them legal advice, but then I send them a bill next morning.'
The doctor decided to take the fantastic advice and for the rest of the evening he wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him.
The next morning as he took out the list from his pocket, his secretary walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.

The quartermaster of the watch said, 'Navigator we are on a course for sea mounts.'
The navigator forwarded, 'First lieutenant, we are heading for shallow water.'
The first lieutenant forwarded, 'Captain, we are running out of water.'
The Captain replied, 'What? No water? Very well, secure the showers...'

Bob and Stan were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest, picking two of the well behaved patients and giving them two questions to test their mental health.
If they answered correctly, they were deemed cured and free to go.
Bob was called into the doctor's office first to test his mental health.
'Bob, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?' asked the doctor.
'I would be half blind,' replied Bob.
'That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?'
'I would be completely blind.'
The doctor shook his hand and told him he was free.
On his way out, meanwhile the doctor filled out the paperwork, Bob told Stan the answers.
The doctor went through the formalities and then invited Stan to test his mental health.
'What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?'
'I would d be half blind,' replied Stan.
'Oh... What would happen if I cut off both your ears?' asked the puzzled doctor.
'I would be completely blind,' replied Stan.
'Stan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?' asked the suspicious doctor.
'Well, my hat would fall over my eyes,' replied Stan.