ALL Jokes

The wife and the husband were having serious marriage problems. They made the decision, after a very short time together. The couple went to court to make their break-up official. The judge asked the husband, 'What has brought you to this point? Why are you unable to keep this marriage together?'
The husband answered, 'We have serious marriage problems. In the five weeks we have been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.'
The wife said, 'Six weeks.'

Q: Why will never a shark attack a lawyer?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What kind of money do fishermen make?
A: Net profits.

A man walked up to the White House and shouted to the guard, 'I would like to speak to Bill Clinton, the president!'
'Hey, Bill Clinton is no longer the President of the United States. George Bush is the president,' replied the guard.
This happened three days in a row, and finally the guard yelled back aggressively, 'I have told you several times! Bill Clinton is no longer the president. George Bush is the President of the United States!'
The man said, 'I know, I know, I just like hearing it!'

Q: How do old mathematicians die?
A: They just lose some of their functions.

1. The boss makes the rules, always.
2. The rules are subject to change without prior notification at any time.
3. No employee can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the boss suspects the employee knows all the rules, the boss must immediately change a few, or all of the rules.
5. The boss is never wrong.
6. If the boss is wrong, it is because of scandalous misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the employee said or did wrong.
7. If rule 6 applies, the employee must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. At any time the boss has every right to be upset or angry.
9. The employee must be calm at all times, unless the boss wants him or her to change the mood.
10. The boss must under no circumstances let the employees know whether or not he wants them to be upset or angry.

The local sheriff was looking for a new colleague. He needed a new deputy. There was only one candidate, Tom, who wasn't a smart guy, but the sheriff gave him a chance.
'Tom, what is 5 and 5?'
'55,' he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself that was not what he meant, but at least the candidate had some logic.
'Which are the two days of the weeks, which start with the letter "T"?'
'Tomorrow and today.'
Tom was again right, he had some logic, the sheriff admitted to himself.
'Now, Tom. Listen carefully. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?'
Tom looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute. Finally admitted, 'I don't know.'
'Well, go home and work on that one for a while, okay?'
So, Tom left. On his way home he met his friends. They were excited to hear the results of the interview. Tom was was excited, too.
'It was cool! First day on the job and I am already working on a murder case!'

Two yuppettes were talking about their married lives in a cafe terrace, sipping their iced coffees. The first said, 'It is horrible. All Daniel and I do is fighting. I have been so upset lately I have lost five pounds.'
'Why don't you just leave him then my sweetheart?' asked her friend.
'Oh, no, not yet,' the first answered, 'I would like to lose at least another five pounds.'

Impish Ike had just returned from the summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher called his father to tell him that Ike was misbehaving.
'Hold on,' he said, 'I had Ike with me for the entire summer, for three months, he has just gone back to school. Have I ever called you when he misbehaved?'

'I am afraid that I am going to have to lock you up for the night,' said the policeman to the drunk man in elf costume.
'What's the charge?' he growled.
'Oh, there isn't any charge. It is all part of the service.'