Food Jokes

A guy went to a restaurant, ordered some takeout and sat down to wait for his food. While he was waiting, he grabbed a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter.
As he started to eat them, he heard a voice, 'That is a beautiful blue tie, is that silk? Very elegant choice!'
Wondering who made the comment, he looked around but did not see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he popped a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he heard the voice, 'Those shoes are very stylish! Are they Italian? They look great!'
He looked around again but saw no one. A little freaked out, he grabbed another handful of peanuts.
This time the voice continued with, 'That jacket looks fancy on you, is it a designer item? Fits you nicely!'
He called the waiter over and said, 'Look, help me, I keep hearing these voices telling me how elegant my tie, how stylish my shoes, and nice my jacket. Am I going crazy???'
'Oh,' the waiter replied, 'it's just the peanuts.'
'The peanuts?' asked the astonished man.
'Yes, yes,' answered the waiter, 'they are complimentary.'

Old Tobias was a very poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very fancy Italian restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Tobias went out to eat his slice of bread and enjoy the great smells coming from the kitchen. One day, Tobias was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for "Enjoyment of food". So he went to the restaurant to give back the invoice, as he did not not bought anything from them.
The manager said, 'You are enjoying our great smells coming from the kitchen every single day, so you should pay us for it.'
After Tobias refused to pay, the restaurant sued him.
At the hearing the manager said, 'Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. We are providing added value to his poor lunch and we deserve to be compensated for it, this is clear.'
The judge turned to Tobias and asked, 'Do you have anything to add?'
Tobias put his hand into his pocket and rattled the few coins he had.
'Okay then, now I'm paying for the smell of the food with the sound of my money.'

Rupert was furious when his steak arrived too rare, although he had highlighted he wanted steak well done.
'Waiter!' he shouted. 'Didn't you hear me say well done?'
'I cannot thank you enough, sir,' the waiter replied. 'I hardly ever get a compliment.'

Q: What happened to the werewolf who ate garlic?
A: His bark was worse than his bite.

One morning in a stylish hotel's breakfast lounge, a guest called over the head waiter.
'Good morning, sir! I would like to order my breakfast menu. I will have two boiled eggs. One of them so under cooked that it's gooey, and the other so overcooked that it's hard. I also would like burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it is impossible to spread, and some raw bacon. Finally, I will have a pot of extra weak long coffee, served cold.'
The bewildered waiter replied, 'Sir! We do not serve such an awful breakfast menu here!'
'Why not?' the guest asked back. 'Exactly this is what I got here yesterday!'

You know you are addicted to caffeine when you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you sleep with your eyes open.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you have to watch videos in fast-foward.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when an earthquake is the only time you are standing still.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you can take a picture of yourself from six feet away without timer.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you have worn out your second pair of running shoes this week.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you can type sixty words a minute with your toes.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you walk ten miles on a treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when instant coffee takes too long.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you short out motion detectors.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you do not even wait for the water to boil.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you help your dog chase its tail.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you answer the door before guests knock.

No.1: The citric acid in coke removes stains from vitreous china.
No.2: You can put a steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.
No.3: To clean your toilet pour a can of coke into the toilet bowl. Let it be there for one hour, then flush.
No.4: In the US, the highway patrol carries two gallons of coke in the trunk to remove blood from the road after a car accident.
No.5: Rub the chrome car bumper with a crumpled-up piece of aluminum foil dipped in coke to remove rust spots.
No.6: To get rid of grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The coke will help loosen grease stains.
No.7: To clean corrosion from car battery terminals pour a can of coke over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

+1 fact: The active ingredient in coke is phosphoric acid. It's pH is 2.8, so it will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
+2 fact: To carry coke concentrate the commercial trucks must use the hazardous material signs for highly corrosive materials.
+3 fact: The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years.

Drink it up!

Q: What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

'Waitress, waitress! There is an ugly worm in my salad!'
'Do not worry Miss, it won't live long in that stuff.'

'Waitress, waitress! There is a big spider in my salad!'
'Yes Miss, today the chef is using Webb lettuces.'

'Waitress, waitress! There is a fly in my salad!'
'Do not worry Miss, the big spider will eat it.'

'Waitress, waitress! There is a caterpillar in my salad!'
'Do not worry Miss, there is no extra charge.'

Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing.

Q: Why did the boy close the fridge door?
A: He did not want to see the salad dressing!

Q: A tap, a lettuce and a tomato are competing... what's happening?
A: The tap is running, the lettuce is ahead, and the tomato is trying to ketchup!

Q: Which fruit salad is the most romantic?
A: A date with a peach.

There was a new boss in the staff canteen. He saw that the cooks look miserable while serving the food. He decided to talk to them and get them to be more cheerful, so the staff would be happier during work. After their talk, the boss watched the food being served. A new staff member walked down the line but he didn't like anything. He carried his tray down the line to the dessert section of the staff canteen. He picked up a plate with a large piece of jello punch cake.
One cook looked at him and asked, 'Is that all you will eat?'
The staff ember replied, 'Yes, because the rest of the menu is not appetizing.'
'Well, in that case would you like two pieces of jello punch cake?'
The boss smiled, and thought to himself, 'My talk did them some good.'
The staff member said, 'Yes, I'd appreciate it.'
The cook leaned over and cut the piece of jello punch cake on the plate in half.