Food Jokes

One morning in a stylish hotel's breakfast lounge, a guest called over the head waiter.
'Good morning, sir! I would like to order my breakfast menu. I will have two boiled eggs. One of them so under cooked that it's gooey, and the other so overcooked that it's hard. I also would like burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it is impossible to spread, and some raw bacon. Finally, I will have a pot of extra weak long coffee, served cold.'
The bewildered waiter replied, 'Sir! We do not serve such an awful breakfast menu here!'
'Why not?' the guest asked back. 'Exactly this is what I got here yesterday!'

An elderly man had a leak from the roof over his dining room. He called a repairman to take a look at it.
'When did you first notice this?' the repairman asked.
The elderly man replied, 'I noticed the leaking from the roof last evening, when it took me almost one hour to finish my soup!'

No.1: When dad is not looking, pop old recorded football games in the VCR. Make sure it is set to the last minutes of the game. When dad comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
No.2: When everyone says what he or she is thankful for, say, 'I am thankful I didn't get caught.' Refuse to say anything more.
No.3: Bring a date that only talks about the abusive and tragic conditions at turkey farms.
No.4: Take two fully loaded plates to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender. Take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it is the brand new Thanksgiving Weight-Loss Shake.
No.5: During mid-meal turn to mom and say loudly, 'See Mum, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey expired. You were worried for nothing.'

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a bulb?
A: None, they don't do that. Vegans are busy with more meaningful projects, like organizing each other's lifts to the veggie restaurant.

A guy had one baby carrot sticking out of his left nostril and he had one baby carrot sticking out of the other. The very same guy had one baby carrot sticking out of his left ear and he had one baby carrot sticking out of the other.
He went to the doctor and asked him what could be wrong.
The doctor replied, 'Well, you are not eating right, that is for sure.'

A guy went to a restaurant, ordered some takeout and sat down to wait for his food. While he was waiting, he grabbed a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter.
As he started to eat them, he heard a voice, 'That is a beautiful blue tie, is that silk? Very elegant choice!'
Wondering who made the comment, he looked around but did not see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he popped a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he heard the voice, 'Those shoes are very stylish! Are they Italian? They look great!'
He looked around again but saw no one. A little freaked out, he grabbed another handful of peanuts.
This time the voice continued with, 'That jacket looks fancy on you, is it a designer item? Fits you nicely!'
He called the waiter over and said, 'Look, help me, I keep hearing these voices telling me how elegant my tie, how stylish my shoes, and nice my jacket. Am I going crazy???'
'Oh,' the waiter replied, 'it's just the peanuts.'
'The peanuts?' asked the astonished man.
'Yes, yes,' answered the waiter, 'they are complimentary.'

A coffee expert wanted to ask the beautiful waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he could catch her eye, she instantly looked away. After an hour he followed her to the terrace and blurted out his invitation. To his surprise, she said yes at once.
The coffee expert asked "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You didn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," answered the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

Q: What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

Q: Why don't Mexicans BBQ?
A: Because the beans fall through the little holes.

Q: What is the difference between an onion and an oboe?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.