Food Jokes

A waitress approached the guest studying the menu at the elegant restaurant. 'May I take your order, Sir?' she asked.
'Well, to be honest I was wondering how you prepare the chickens,' the guest replied.
'Oh, it's nothing too special,' the waitress answered. 'We simply tell them that they're going to die.'

What happens if you drink too much coffee?

1. You sleep with your eyes open
2. You lick your coffee mug clean
3. The handle of your favorite coffee pot becomes worn out
4. Your eyes stay open even when you sneeze
5. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to measure your pulse
6. You get a speeding ticket even when you are parked
7. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
8. You watch videos in fast-forward
9. You can type fifty words a minute with your left feet
10. Instant coffee takes too long
11. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position
12. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee

A coffee expert wanted to ask the beautiful waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he could catch her eye, she instantly looked away. After an hour he followed her to the terrace and blurted out his invitation. To his surprise, she said yes at once.
The coffee expert asked, 'Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You didn't even make eye contact.'
'Oh,' answered the waitress, 'I thought you wanted more coffee.'

Q: What do you call the cheese which is not yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

A customer at the downtown grocery was amazed at the owner's intelligence and quick wit.
'Tell me Edward, what makes you so smart?'
'Nick, I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone,' Edward replied, lowering his voice. 'But since you are a good and loyal customer, I will let you know. Chicken heads. If you eat enough of them, you will be as smart as I am.'
'Do you sell them here?' Nick asked.
'Of course, for only $6 a piece,' said Edward.
Nick bought four. One week later, he was back in the grocery. He complained that the chicken heads were very disgusting and he is not smarter.
'It is because you didn't eat enough,' answered Edward. Nick went home with 15 chicken heads. Another week later, he was back again. This time he was really angry.
'Hey, Ed,' he started, 'you are selling me chicken heads for $6 when I can buy the whole chicken for $3. You are ripping me off!'
'Do you see?' asked Edward. 'You are much smarter already.'

You know you are addicted to caffeine when you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you sleep with your eyes open.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you have to watch videos in fast-foward.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when an earthquake is the only time you are standing still.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you can take a picture of yourself from six feet away without timer.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you have worn out your second pair of running shoes this week.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you can type sixty words a minute with your toes.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you walk ten miles on a treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when instant coffee takes too long.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you short out motion detectors.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you do not even wait for the water to boil.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you help your dog chase its tail.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you answer the door before guests knock.

No.1: When dad is not looking, pop old recorded football games in the VCR. Make sure it is set to the last minutes of the game. When dad comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
No.2: When everyone says what he or she is thankful for, say, 'I am thankful I didn't get caught.' Refuse to say anything more.
No.3: Bring a date that only talks about the abusive and tragic conditions at turkey farms.
No.4: Take two fully loaded plates to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender. Take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it is the brand new Thanksgiving Weight-Loss Shake.
No.5: During mid-meal turn to mom and say loudly, 'See Mum, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey expired. You were worried for nothing.'

I was adding milk to my afternoon coffee in the office kitchen, when a vegan colleague said, 'Do you know that milk belongs to a cow?'
If it hadn't have been first day at work, I would have replied to my vegan colleague, 'It's okay, relax. I've already ate that cow for lunch.'

The other day I walked into a bakery to buy a sweet, chocolate filled donut. There were only two left, a big one and one smaller one. I picked up the big chocolate filled donut and headed to the cashier.
Some woman stopped me and said, 'Hey don't be greedy. You shouldn't have that big donut all to yourself!'
I replied, 'Hey, I was here earlier. Anyway, which one would you have chosen?'
'The smaller chocolate filled donut, for sure!' she replied.
I felt lucky and said, 'So, as you can see, I left it for you!'

Two cannibals are sitting by a fire.
The first says, "Jesus, I really hate my mother-in-law."
The second tries to cheer him up, "So, try the potatoes."