Food Jokes

Q: How do you know when a man is provisioning for the future?
A: He buys not one but two cases of beer.

What happens if you drink too much coffee?

1. You sleep with your eyes open
2. You lick your coffee mug clean
3. The handle of your favorite coffee pot becomes worn out
4. Your eyes stay open even when you sneeze
5. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to measure your pulse
6. You get a speeding ticket even when you are parked
7. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
8. You watch videos in fast-forward
9. You can type fifty words a minute with your left feet
10. Instant coffee takes too long
11. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position
12. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee

Rupert was furious when his steak arrived too rare, although he had highlighted he wanted steak well done.
'Waiter!' he shouted. 'Didn't you hear me say well done?'
'I cannot thank you enough, sir,' the waiter replied. 'I hardly ever get a compliment.'

1. Ask: "Excuse me, are you a really bad actor, or a really bad singer?"
2. Whenever he walks by, cough loudly and mutter, "Minimum wage".
3. After he describes each special dish, you shout, "Garbage!"
4. Tie the tablecloth around your neck and say: "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
5. Every time you drink or eat, cough really hard.

The main issue with fast food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach. And it just stays there, letting the fat enough time to get off and apply for citizenship.

Q: What happened to the werewolf who ate garlic?
A: His bark was worse than his bite.

Q: What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A: Salad shooter.

Beer vs. Girls

1.) A beer never gets jealous if you grab another beer.
2.) The colder a beer, the better.
3.) A beer never gets angry if you show up smelling of beer.
4.) A beer doesn't get upset if you arrive at 4 a. m.
5.) You can choose a beer from the fridge and if you change your mind, you can simply pick another one.

After a long, six-hour flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. Me and the other flight attendants checked the plane for items left behind. In one seat pocket I found a bag of homemade cookies with a note: "With much love, Mummy."
Quickly, I gave the bag of homemade cookies to the gate agent. I hoped it would be reunited with its owner.
Some minutes later, an announcement came over the airport loudspeaker: 'Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 6042, please return to the gate and take?'

My girlfriend and I wanted to have dinner at a very popular place, however the restaurant waiting list was always long there. This time it was crowded, too. I asked the hostess, "Will it be long?" She ignored me, kept writing at her podium. I asked once more, louder, "How much time will it be now?" The woman looked up from the restaurant waiting list and replied, "About 15 minutes." A few minutes later, we heard the announcement over the
loudspeaker: "Willette B. Long, the table is ready."