Food Jokes

Gedaliah was eating at the Chinese restaurant and was chatting to his Chinese waiter. Gedaliah commented upon how wise people the Chinese were.
'Yes,' answered the waiter, 'we are wise people because our culture is 4000 years old. But Jewish are also very wise people , are they not?'
Gedaliah replied, 'Yes, we are wise, too. Our culture is 5000 years old.'
The waiter was surprised hearing this. 'That cannot be true,' he said, 'where did your people eat for a thousand years?'

My friend Samantha, and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant on the boulevard, when a waitress set disposable wooden chopsticks at our places. Samantha reached for her bag and pulled out her own pair of chopsticks. 'As an environmentalist,' she declared loudly, 'I do not approve of disposable wooden chopsticks. For those bamboo forests are destroyed.'
The waitress inspected her chopsticks, 'Very beautiful,' she said politely. 'Ivory.'

Like all the teenage boys, my grandson was constantly hungry. I went to the kitchen to find something he might like. After opening the fridge, searching around a bit and moving the juice cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili con carne. I called out to him excitedly. He came running.
'Look! I found some chili con carne!'
Struggling to be polite, he said, 'Well, if you are that surprised, I am not really sure I want to eat it.'

Q: Do you know why it is called fast food?
A: Because you're supposed to eat it really really fast. Otherwise, you may actually taste it.

Q: Why don't Mexicans BBQ?
A: Because the beans fall through the little holes.

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and the other to check for animal ingredients.

You know you are addicted to caffeine when you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you sleep with your eyes open.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you have to watch videos in fast-foward.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when an earthquake is the only time you are standing still.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you can take a picture of yourself from six feet away without timer.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you have worn out your second pair of running shoes this week.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you can type sixty words a minute with your toes.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you walk ten miles on a treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when instant coffee takes too long.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you short out motion detectors.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you do not even wait for the water to boil.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you help your dog chase its tail.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you answer the door before guests knock.

Q: What is the key to have a great Thanksgiving dinner?
A: The turKEY.

Q: Have you heard about the new Chinese-German restaurant?
A: Yes, I have. The food is great, but like an hour later, you are hungry for power.

No.1: When dad is not looking, pop old recorded football games in the VCR. Make sure it is set to the last minutes of the game. When dad comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
No.2: When everyone says what he or she is thankful for, say, 'I am thankful I didn't get caught.' Refuse to say anything more.
No.3: Bring a date that only talks about the abusive and tragic conditions at turkey farms.
No.4: Take two fully loaded plates to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender. Take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it is the brand new Thanksgiving Weight-Loss Shake.
No.5: During mid-meal turn to mom and say loudly, 'See Mum, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey expired. You were worried for nothing.'