Food Jokes

A guy had one baby carrot sticking out of his left nostril and he had one baby carrot sticking out of the other. The very same guy had one baby carrot sticking out of his left ear and he had one baby carrot sticking out of the other.
He went to the doctor and asked him what could be wrong.
The doctor replied, 'Well, you are not eating right, that is for sure.'

We had a busy Saturday night at the restaurant where I had recently worked. The owner suddenly came out from the kitchen and handed me some money. 'We are in trouble, we're out of quarters! Our customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $50 worth.'
I ran to the shop next door, but a cashier said he was not allowed to give out that many quarters. In my hurry I sprinted to the next shop a block away to get the missing quarters, but it was closed. At the gas station farther down the street, the clerk took pity. Finally he gave me five rolls of quarters. Thirty minutes after I had left, I handed the coin rolls to the owner.
'Where are the missing quarters?' he asked.
'Right here, here you are,' I said breathlessly.
His face sank. 'I meant chicken quarters.'

Q: Do you know why it is called fast food?
A: Because you're supposed to eat it really really fast. Otherwise, you may actually taste it.

Please read carefully the weather forecast for Thanksgiving:
Turkeys will thaw before noon, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 180F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid. In case you distract the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cool front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one or two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side and cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area. Increased stuffiness is predicted around the beltway. In the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 30F in the fridge.
Looking ahead to next days, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50% chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops.
Thank you for reading the weather forecast for Thanksgiving!

"Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?" asked little Jenny her father during the family dinner.
Her father's face went red and he replied in anger, "You should never mention such things during a family dinner!"
Jenny's mother was surprised, so she asked her after they finished, "Why did this question come suddenly into your mind, anyway?"
Jenny answered, "Only because I saw one in daddy's salad... but soon it was gone."

You know you are addicted to caffeine when you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you sleep with your eyes open.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you have to watch videos in fast-foward.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when an earthquake is the only time you are standing still.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you can take a picture of yourself from six feet away without timer.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you have worn out your second pair of running shoes this week.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you can type sixty words a minute with your toes.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you walk ten miles on a treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when instant coffee takes too long.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you short out motion detectors.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you do not even wait for the water to boil.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you help your dog chase its tail.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you answer the door before guests knock.

The main issue with fast food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach. And it just stays there, letting the fat enough time to get off and apply for citizenship.

Two cannibals are sitting by a fire.
The first says, "Jesus, I really hate my mother-in-law."
The second tries to cheer him up, "So, try the potatoes."

We were dining out at a nice restaurant with my wife. I overheard the couple discussing their bill.
'Well Carol,' summarized the man, 'as I can figure, based of the price of the ham cold plate dinner you just ate, we have a pig on the farm that's worth at least $140,000.'

A food critic was eating in a traditional European restaurant. When the waiter brought her the soup of the day, she was puzzled and asked "Oh my dear god, what's this?"
"My lady, it's bean soup," the waiter replied proudly.
"I do not care what it has been," the food critic blurted, "What is it now?"