Food Jokes

Two police officers hurried to a crime scene behind a supermarket. The homicide detective was already there.
'What happened here?' asked the first officer.
'Male, about thirty, covered in crunchy oat granola, and dead.'
'My God. Didn't we have one covered in corn flakes last week? And one, covered in raisin and almond muesli last month?'
'You are right, I am afraid,' said the detective as he put out his cigar, 'this is the work of a cereal killer.'

Mother Teresa died. She went to heaven, where God greeted her, and offered a meal together. So God reached for a can of red kidney bean and bread. They shared this humble meal. Mother Teresa looked down into hell and saw them eating lamb, lobsters, caviar, and delicious desserts. She remained quiet, but was curious at the same time. The next day God invited her to join him for a meal again. They shared red kidney bean and bread again. Mother Teresa saw that in hell they were enjoying turkey, steaks, veal, and cakes. Still she kept silent. The following day the menu was another can of red kidney bean and bread.
She couldn't go on without asking, 'God, I am grateful to be in heaven, having meals with you, as a reward for my devout, thankful and simple life. But here in heaven all I eat is red kidney bean and bread while in hell they eat like kings. I do not understand the reason for that.'
God sighed, 'Let's be honest Teresa, for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook.'

My girlfriend and I wanted to have dinner at a very popular place, however the restaurant waiting list was always long there. This time it was crowded, too. I asked the hostess, "Will it be long?" She ignored me, kept writing at her podium. I asked once more, louder, "How much time will it be now?" The woman looked up from the restaurant waiting list and replied, "About 15 minutes." A few minutes later, we heard the announcement over the
loudspeaker: "Willette B. Long, the table is ready."

'Waitress, waitress! There is an ugly worm in my salad!'
'Do not worry Miss, it won't live long in that stuff.'

'Waitress, waitress! There is a big spider in my salad!'
'Yes Miss, today the chef is using Webb lettuces.'

'Waitress, waitress! There is a fly in my salad!'
'Do not worry Miss, the big spider will eat it.'

'Waitress, waitress! There is a caterpillar in my salad!'
'Do not worry Miss, there is no extra charge.'

Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing.

Q: Why did the boy close the fridge door?
A: He did not want to see the salad dressing!

Q: A tap, a lettuce and a tomato are competing... what's happening?
A: The tap is running, the lettuce is ahead, and the tomato is trying to ketchup!

Q: Which fruit salad is the most romantic?
A: A date with a peach.

Like all the teenage boys, my grandson was constantly hungry. I went to the kitchen to find something he might like. After opening the fridge, searching around a bit and moving the juice cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili con carne. I called out to him excitedly. He came running.
'Look! I found some chili con carne!'
Struggling to be polite, he said, 'Well, if you are that surprised, I am not really sure I want to eat it.'

Q: What does the skeleton who wants to eat say on a Halloween party?
A: Bone appetit!

Q: Have you heard about the new Chinese-German restaurant?
A: Yes, I have. The food is great, but like an hour later, you are hungry for power.

After a long, six-hour flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. Me and the other flight attendants checked the plane for items left behind. In one seat pocket I found a bag of homemade cookies with a note: "With much love, Mummy."
Quickly, I gave the bag of homemade cookies to the gate agent. I hoped it would be reunited with its owner.
Some minutes later, an announcement came over the airport loudspeaker: 'Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 6042, please return to the gate and take?'

You know you are addicted to caffeine when you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you sleep with your eyes open.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you have to watch videos in fast-foward.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when an earthquake is the only time you are standing still.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you can take a picture of yourself from six feet away without timer.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you have worn out your second pair of running shoes this week.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you can type sixty words a minute with your toes.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you walk ten miles on a treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when instant coffee takes too long.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you short out motion detectors.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you do not even wait for the water to boil.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you help your dog chase its tail.
You know you are addicted to caffeine when you answer the door before guests knock.

1. Ask: "Excuse me, are you a really bad actor, or a really bad singer?"
2. Whenever he walks by, cough loudly and mutter, "Minimum wage".
3. After he describes each special dish, you shout, "Garbage!"
4. Tie the tablecloth around your neck and say: "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
5. Every time you drink or eat, cough really hard.