Food Jokes

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and the other to check for animal ingredients.

One customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the delicious pastries displayed on the shelves.
When a baker approached her and asked, "What would you like?"
She answered, "I'd like that chocolate cream filled doughnut, that cherry jam filled doughnut and that cheese cake."
Then with a long sigh she added, "But I'll buy an oat-bran muffin."

We had a busy Saturday night at the restaurant where I had recently worked. The owner suddenly came out from the kitchen and handed me some money. 'We are in trouble, we're out of quarters! Our customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $50 worth.'
I ran to the shop next door, but a cashier said he was not allowed to give out that many quarters. In my hurry I sprinted to the next shop a block away to get the missing quarters, but it was closed. At the gas station farther down the street, the clerk took pity. Finally he gave me five rolls of quarters. Thirty minutes after I had left, I handed the coin rolls to the owner.
'Where are the missing quarters?' he asked.
'Right here, here you are,' I said breathlessly.
His face sank. 'I meant chicken quarters.'

'Waitress, waitress! There is an ugly worm in my salad!'
'Do not worry Miss, it won't live long in that stuff.'

'Waitress, waitress! There is a big spider in my salad!'
'Yes Miss, today the chef is using Webb lettuces.'

'Waitress, waitress! There is a fly in my salad!'
'Do not worry Miss, the big spider will eat it.'

'Waitress, waitress! There is a caterpillar in my salad!'
'Do not worry Miss, there is no extra charge.'

Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing.

Q: Why did the boy close the fridge door?
A: He did not want to see the salad dressing!

Q: A tap, a lettuce and a tomato are competing... what's happening?
A: The tap is running, the lettuce is ahead, and the tomato is trying to ketchup!

Q: Which fruit salad is the most romantic?
A: A date with a peach.

Q: What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A: Salad shooter.

No.1: When dad is not looking, pop old recorded football games in the VCR. Make sure it is set to the last minutes of the game. When dad comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
No.2: When everyone says what he or she is thankful for, say, 'I am thankful I didn't get caught.' Refuse to say anything more.
No.3: Bring a date that only talks about the abusive and tragic conditions at turkey farms.
No.4: Take two fully loaded plates to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender. Take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it is the brand new Thanksgiving Weight-Loss Shake.
No.5: During mid-meal turn to mom and say loudly, 'See Mum, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey expired. You were worried for nothing.'

Q: You eat a lot! Don't you want to get into shape?
Q: I do. And the shape I have chosen is a triangle.

A customer at the downtown grocery was amazed at the owner's intelligence and quick wit.
'Tell me Edward, what makes you so smart?'
'Nick, I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone,' Edward replied, lowering his voice. 'But since you are a good and loyal customer, I will let you know. Chicken heads. If you eat enough of them, you will be as smart as I am.'
'Do you sell them here?' Nick asked.
'Of course, for only $6 a piece,' said Edward.
Nick bought four. One week later, he was back in the grocery. He complained that the chicken heads were very disgusting and he is not smarter.
'It is because you didn't eat enough,' answered Edward. Nick went home with 15 chicken heads. Another week later, he was back again. This time he was really angry.
'Hey, Ed,' he started, 'you are selling me chicken heads for $6 when I can buy the whole chicken for $3. You are ripping me off!'
'Do you see?' asked Edward. 'You are much smarter already.'

"Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?" asked little Jenny her father during the family dinner.
Her father's face went red and he replied in anger, "You should never mention such things during a family dinner!"
Jenny's mother was surprised, so she asked her after they finished, "Why did this question come suddenly into your mind, anyway?"
Jenny answered, "Only because I saw one in daddy's salad... but soon it was gone."

Please read carefully the weather forecast for Thanksgiving:
Turkeys will thaw before noon, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 180F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid. In case you distract the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cool front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one or two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side and cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area. Increased stuffiness is predicted around the beltway. In the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 30F in the fridge.
Looking ahead to next days, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50% chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops.
Thank you for reading the weather forecast for Thanksgiving!