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Farmer Jokes

A retiring farmer wanted to sell his land. He had to get rid of his farm animals. So he visited everyone in the village. He gave a horse to those families where the man was the boss, and he gave a chicken to the families where the woman was the boss. In the middle of one street he found a couple outside, gardening.
'Hey! Who is the boss around here?' he asked.
'I am the boss,' said the man.
'I have a beautiful white mare horse and a sturdy black stallion to give away,' said the farmer. 'Which one would you like?'
The man was fascinated by the sturdy black stallion, he pointed and said, 'I would like that one.'
'No, no, Jimmy, get the white one,' the wife horned in.
'Here is your chicken,' said the farmer.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A fire started on some dry, uncultivated land next to a farm. The fire department was alarmed and they rushed there. They couldn't put out the fire as it grew bigger than expected.
Someone suggested calling the nearby volunteer firefighter team. Many of the professionals doubted that they would be of any assistance, but the call was made and the volunteer firefighters arrived.
With a ramshackle, old fire truck they burst into the fire and drove right into the middle. The firemen jumped off the truck and started wildly spraying water in all directions. Quite soon they cut the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer firefighter team, and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he gave the volunteers a check for $2,000 right on the spot.
A local reporter asked their captain what the team planned to do with the funds.
'That is obvious,' he answered, wiping ashes off his coat, 'first of all we are going to get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A man was driving down a country road, when he spotted a farmer, who was standing right in the middle of a huge wheat field. He pulled the car over to the side of the country road and noticed that the farmer was just standing there, doing nothing.
The man got out of the car, walked all the way out to the middle of the field and asked the farmer, 'Hi, excuse me! What are you doing here in the in the middle of a huge wheat field?'
'I am trying to win a Nobel Prize,' replied the farmer.
'How?' asked the confused man.
'I heard they give the Nobel Prize to those people who are out standing in their field.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A very enthusiastic, young preacher was walking on the countryside on a sunny day. He met a farmer, who was working on his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, he asked, 'Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good friend?'
The farmer replied without looking at the preacher, 'No, these are potatoes.'
The preacher said, 'My friend, you don't understand my question. Are you Christian?'
With even less interest the farmer replied, 'No, my name is Tuck. I guess you are looking for George Christian. He lives a mile north of here.'
The enthusiastic, young preacher tried to soften the farmer and win his interest, 'Are you lost?'
'No, I've lived here all my life,' he replied.
'My friend, are you prepared for the resurrection?' the stonewalled preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention, he looked up and asked, 'When will it be?'
The preacher thought he had accomplished something eventually.
'It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day,' he said joyfully.
The farmer said, 'Well, do not mention this to my wife. She doesn't get out much and she will want to go all three days.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 3 ratings)

Ervin's barn burned down.
His his wife, Eugenia, called the insurance company, 'Our barn burned down. We had that insured for sixty thousand and I want my money.'
The agent answered, 'Hi there, just a minute, Eugenia, let's step back. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will verify the value of the insured barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.'
There was a long pause before Eugenia replied, 'Well, then I want to cancel the policy on my husband.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

An old farmer and his wife were sitting on their terrace, sipping their coffees. The old woman said, 'Let's have a party Bud, next week is our golden wedding anniversary. Let's kill a pig!'
The farmer scratched his wrinkled forehead, 'Jesus, Nora, for our golden weeding anniversary? I don't think that a pig should be blamed for something that happened fifty years ago.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 4 ratings)

The farmer's son was sent to sell chickens on the village market. His father gave him a big crate of chickens, but unfortunately he dropped it on his way and the chickens got loose. They escaped as fast as they could. The determined boy walked all over the neighborhood in search of them. Hoping he had found them all, the boy returned home, expecting the worst.
'Dad, I am so sorry but the chickens got loose,' he confessed sadly, 'but I managed to find all fifteen of them.'
'Don' worry, you did real good, son!' said the farmer happily. 'You left with ten!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A young backpacker was lost wandering in the hills. He came upon a small house, so he knocked on the door. A very old Chinese farmer greeted him with a long, grey beard.
'Hi, I am lost,' started the backpacker, 'Can you put me up for the night?'
'Hi, be my guest,' said the Chinese farmer. 'But I have one rule in my house. If you lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese torture methods known to man.'
'Okay,' replied the backpacker, thinking that the daughter must be also quite old.
He entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was gorgeous, a beautiful young lady with an irresistible figure. She was attracted to the young backpacker, she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the dinner. It was very hard to ignore her, but those Chinese torture methods held back the guy. He went to bed alone, but could not sleep. After a while he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear a thing. Then he sneaked back to his room, exhausted, but endlessly happy.
He was awakened by a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a big stone on his chest with a note on it: "First Chinese torture method: big, heavy stone on chest."
'Well, that's quite strange,' he thought. 'If this is the best the old man can do then I don't have to worry at all.'
He picked the stone up, and threw it out the window. As he did so, he noticed another note: "Second Chinese Torture method: Stone tied to right testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones were way better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the stone.
As he was falling he saw a large sign on the ground: "Third Chinese torture method: Left testicle tied to bedpost."
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A life insurance agent wanted to sell a policy to a farmer, but they were not on the same page.
'Look at it this way. How would your wife carry on if you should die?' the life insurance agent asked finally.
'Well, I don't think that'd be my concern, as long as she behaves herself while I am alive.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A farm boy overturned his wagonload of rye on the road by accident. The farmer who lived nearby came to check.
'Hey, Brett!' he called out, 'Forget your troubles and come, have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon.'
'That's very kind of you,' Brett replied, 'but Father won't like it.'
'Oh, come on!' the farmer insisted.
'Well, okay,' the boy finally agreed, 'but Father won't like it.'
After a hearty dinner, Brett thanked the host. 'I feel much better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset.'
'Don't be silly!' said the farmer. 'By the way, where is he?'
'Under the wagon,' replied Brett.
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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