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Farmer Jokes

One day three salesmen went to a ranch. They asked the farmer if he wanted to buy some of their products.
The farmer said, 'Okay, please wait here until I come back with the money. But do not touch my daughter while I'm gone!'
When he returned, he found them all on top of his daughter. He pointed his shotgun at them and yelled, 'Go out to my garden now, pick ten things, and run back in here!'
The first salesman returned with ten beans.
The farmer said, 'Shove them up your butt and you can go.'
Not wanting to be shot, the salesman shoved them up his butt without a word and he was free to go.
The second salesman returned with ten apricots.
The farmer said, 'Shove them up your butt and you can go.'
After he had done that, the salesman started laughing.
'What's so funny?' asked the farmer.
The salesman replied, 'The other guy is out there picking eggplants.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A Wall Street broker bought a nice piece of land and moved to the country to start chicken farm business. He went to the local livestock trader and bought 150 chickens.
'That's a lot of chicks,' commented the trader.
'I do want to start chicken farm business. I want it to prosper as soon as possible,' replied the city dweller.
Five days later the broker returned and said, 'Hi, I need another 150 chickens.'
'Oh my friend, you are serious about this chicken farm business,' said the trader.
'Yes, I am,' he replied, 'I only have to rethink few problems.'
'Rethink problems?' asked back the trader.
'Yes, I think I planted that last ones way too close together.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A farmer is looking to buy a chainsaw for cutting tree branches The dealer tells him, 'I think you should get our high-end model. That chainsaw will cut a hundred branches in one day.'
The farmer buys the chainsaw and begins working on the tree branches. After cutting for half a day, only two branches falls down from the tree. He thinks there might be something wrong with the chainsaw. 'I have to begin with this in the morning and cut all day!'
Next morning he gets up at 4 a.m. and cuts till dusk, and still he only manages to cut four branches. He is now convinced that the chainsaw doesn't work correctly. So next morning he takes the saw back to the dealer and explains that maybe it is not the best chainsaw for cutting tree branches. The dealer is astonished, removes the chainsaw from the case to have a look at it, but there is nothing visibly wrong with it. So he starts the chainsaw to see if it works. At this point the farmer asks, 'What the hell is that noise?'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

I saw a recent interview on the internet, with the old farmer who won twelve million dollars in the lottery. He was asked what he would do with all that money. He scratched his forehead and replied, 'I am not sure yet, but I think I will keep farming till it's all gone.'
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(So far it's 4.67 point, based on 3 ratings)

Farmer Randy decided that his injuries from the truck accident were serious enough to sue the trucking company. After all they were responsible for the accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Farmer Randy.
'You said at the scene of the accident that you were all right. Is that true or not?' asked the lawyer.
'Well I am gonna tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite donkey, Dino into the...'
'I did not ask for marginal details,' the lawyer interrupted, 'just give us an answer.'
Farmer Randy continued, 'So I had just gotten my favorite donkey, Dino into the trailer and I was driving down the main road...'
'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this farmer told the police officer that he was just fine. Now, many days after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I think he is lying. Please tell him to simply answer my question.'
By this time the judge was interested in Farmer Randy's story and said to the lawyer, 'I would like to hear what he has to say about his favorite donkey, Dino.'
Farmer Randy thanked the judge and continued, 'So, as I was saying, I had just loaded my favorite donkey, Dino into the trailer and was driving him down the main road when this huge truck and trailer smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Dino was thrown into the other. I was badly injured and every movement hurt. However, I could hear my Dino groaning and moaning. I knew he was in awful shape. Soon the police officer arrived at the scene. He could hear Dino groaning and moaning so he went over to him. He took out his gun and shot him between the eyes. Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.'
Finally, Farmer Randy came to the end of his story.
'The police officer told me that the donkey was in such a bad shape that he had to shot him. After this the officer looked at me and asked: "Are you all right?"
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Next to a farmer's field a bus crashed into tree. It was full of politicians. Seeing what happened, the old farmer gets there to investigate. Finally digs a hole and buries them. The local sheriff goes by a few days later. He sees the bus crashed into tree, and asks the old farmer, 'Were they all dead?'
The old farmer replies, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know, all politicians lie.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A farmer from Texas goes to Australia, to spend there his vacation. He meets there with an Aussie farmer. They talk a lot, and the Aussie shows his big wheat field proudly.
'Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least three times as large.'
Then they walk around the ranch. The Aussie shows him the herd of cattle.
The farmer from Texas immediately comments, 'We have longhorns that are at least three times as large as your cows.'
The conversation almost dies at this point, but a bunch of kangaroos appears, hopping through the field. The Texas farmer asks, 'Wow, and what are those?'
The Aussie asks back with a satisfied smile, 'You have no grasshoppers in Texas?'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

A young backpacker was lost wandering in the hills. He came upon a small house, so he knocked on the door. A very old Chinese farmer greeted him with a long, grey beard.
'Hi, I am lost,' started the backpacker, 'Can you put me up for the night?'
'Hi, be my guest,' said the Chinese farmer. 'But I have one rule in my house. If you lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese torture methods known to man.'
'Okay,' replied the backpacker, thinking that the daughter must be also quite old.
He entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was gorgeous, a beautiful young lady with an irresistible figure. She was attracted to the young backpacker, she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the dinner. It was very hard to ignore her, but those Chinese torture methods held back the guy. He went to bed alone, but could not sleep. After a while he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear a thing. Then he sneaked back to his room, exhausted, but endlessly happy.
He was awakened by a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a big stone on his chest with a note on it: "First Chinese torture method: big, heavy stone on chest."
'Well, that's quite strange,' he thought. 'If this is the best the old man can do then I don't have to worry at all.'
He picked the stone up, and threw it out the window. As he did so, he noticed another note: "Second Chinese Torture method: Stone tied to right testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones were way better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the stone.
As he was falling he saw a large sign on the ground: "Third Chinese torture method: Left testicle tied to bedpost."
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A driver ended up in a ditch with his car in a desolated area while he was trying the turns of the next rally. He was so lucky that a local farmer saw him and came to help with his strong red stallion named Luke.
He hitched Luke up to the car and yelled, 'Pull Sophie, pull!'
Luke didn't move.
Then the farmer yelled, 'Pull, Browny, pull!'
The red stallion didn't move.
The farmer yelled, 'Pull, Sky, pull!'
Luke still was standing still.
Then the farmer indifferently said, 'Pull, Luke, pull!'
And the strong red stallion easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The driver was thankful but very curious at the same time. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name many times.
The farmer replied, 'Oh, Luke is blind. He wouldn't even try if he thought he was the only one pulling!'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Redneck or not?
Check the redneck attributes!

1. Pocket knife doubles as a toothpick.
2. The rear tires on the car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
3. Dom Perignon is considered as a mafia leader.
4. Volvo is considered as part of a woman's anatomy.
5. Jack Daniel's makes the list of "Most admired people".
6. Won't stop at a rest area if have an empty beer bottle in the car.
7. House doesn't have curtains, but truck does.
8. Flowers planted in the bathroom, appliance in front yard.
9. Christmas shopping for mom, sister and girlfriend - only need to buy one gift.
10.Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because ran out of ketchup.
11. Have 3 cars that are immobile and a house that is mobile.
12. Belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
13. Beer bottle collection is considered a tourist attraction in home town.
14. Spent more money on pickup truck than on education.
15. The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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