Farmer Jokes

One day three salesmen went to a ranch. They asked the farmer if he wanted to buy some of their products.
The farmer said, 'Okay, please wait here until I come back with the money. But do not touch my daughter while I'm gone!'
When he returned, he found them all on top of his daughter. He pointed his shotgun at them and yelled, 'Go out to my garden now, pick ten things, and run back in here!'
The first salesman returned with ten beans.
The farmer said, 'Shove them up your butt and you can go.'
Not wanting to be shot, the salesman shoved them up his butt without a word and he was free to go.
The second salesman returned with ten apricots.
The farmer said, 'Shove them up your butt and you can go.'
After he had done that, the salesman started laughing.
'What's so funny?' asked the farmer.
The salesman replied, 'The other guy is out there picking eggplants.'

A farmer told his neighbor that he had to shoot the cow. The neighbor asked, 'Was it mad?'
The farmer answered, 'Well it wasn't very happy about it.'

There was guy on his backpacking trip to South America. He was hopeless in the sudden storm, it took him two hours to make it to the nearest farm house. Soaked and shivering, but he finally reached the front door and knocked on it. An old farmer answered and the guy explained that he is on a backpacking trip to South America and pleaded for a place to spend the night. 'Sure my young fella, I can give you a a place to sleep,' said the hospitable old man, 'but, I ain't got no daughter for you to sleep with, like you always hear in the jokes.'
'Oooh!' said the backpacker. Then considering what he heard, asked, 'And how far is the next farm house?'

A farmer is looking to buy a chainsaw for cutting tree branches The dealer tells him, 'I think you should get our high-end model. That chainsaw will cut a hundred branches in one day.'
The farmer buys the chainsaw and begins working on the tree branches. After cutting for half a day, only two branches falls down from the tree. He thinks there might be something wrong with the chainsaw. 'I have to begin with this in the morning and cut all day!'
Next morning he gets up at 4 a.m. and cuts till dusk, and still he only manages to cut four branches. He is now convinced that the chainsaw doesn't work correctly. So next morning he takes the saw back to the dealer and explains that maybe it is not the best chainsaw for cutting tree branches. The dealer is astonished, removes the chainsaw from the case to have a look at it, but there is nothing visibly wrong with it. So he starts the chainsaw to see if it works. At this point the farmer asks, 'What the hell is that noise?'

A Wall Street broker bought a nice piece of land and moved to the country to start chicken farm business. He went to the local livestock trader and bought 150 chickens.
'That's a lot of chicks,' commented the trader.
'I do want to start chicken farm business. I want it to prosper as soon as possible,' replied the city dweller.
Five days later the broker returned and said, 'Hi, I need another 150 chickens.'
'Oh my friend, you are serious about this chicken farm business,' said the trader.
'Yes, I am,' he replied, 'I only have to rethink few problems.'
'Rethink problems?' asked back the trader.
'Yes, I think I planted that last ones way too close together.'

A fire started on some dry, uncultivated land next to a farm. The fire department was alarmed and they rushed there. They couldn't put out the fire as it grew bigger than expected.
Someone suggested calling the nearby volunteer firefighter team. Many of the professionals doubted that they would be of any assistance, but the call was made and the volunteer firefighters arrived.
With a ramshackle, old fire truck they burst into the fire and drove right into the middle. The firemen jumped off the truck and started wildly spraying water in all directions. Quite soon they cut the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer firefighter team, and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he gave the volunteers a check for $2,000 right on the spot.
A local reporter asked their captain what the team planned to do with the funds.
'That is obvious,' he answered, wiping ashes off his coat, 'first of all we are going to get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!'

A young solo country singer was on his tour. One night he had to stop at a farm, to get some sleep. The farmer's pretty daughter's room was the only available one. As the farmer did not trust the young singer's moral, he ordered his loyal farm hand to wait outside the door with a shotgun and if he heard any sexual noise, shoot the singer. The next morning the solo country singer quickly left the house. The farmer was very proud of his wit.
'So, that young singer did not try anything with you, right?' he asked.
'Oh, no he did not,' answered the girl. 'At night our loyal farm hand put on my night gown, gave me his shotgun, and told me to wait in the corridor making sure the guy stays in the room until morning!'

Once upon a time, the bravest cowboy arrived in a new town.
To prove that he was the bravest, he walked into a saloon and said, 'You will see that I'm the bravest cowboy of the west! What do I have to do around here to prove it?'
The men in the saloon went silent and looked at him. One man stood up to talk, 'There is a haunted coffin upstairs. If you can overcome the coffin, we will agree that you are the bravest cowboy in the west.'
As the cowboy reached the top of the stairs, he saw the haunted coffin coming near him. This was more than enough for him to handle. He ran out of the saloon and jumped on his horse.
After he had gotten a good distance from the saloon, he looked back. The coffin was still chasing him, floating in the air coming straight towards him. In his fear he spurred the horse and they continued the crazy fleeing.
Soon the cowboy and his horse were surrounded by a tall canyon. The cowboy jumped off of his horse and ran towards one of the canyon walls. The coffin was floating even faster towards him. He tried to climb up. It was just too high. He turned back to look at the coffin. It was coming closer and closer. He knew this was going to be it.
The coffin was so close he could touch it. Just then, as he thought there was no hope, he took out a package of cough drops, and the coffin' stopped!

A farm boy overturned his wagonload of rye on the road by accident. The farmer who lived nearby came to check.
'Hey, Brett!' he called out, 'Forget your troubles and come, have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon.'
'That's very kind of you,' Brett replied, 'but Father won't like it.'
'Oh, come on!' the farmer insisted.
'Well, okay,' the boy finally agreed, 'but Father won't like it.'
After a hearty dinner, Brett thanked the host. 'I feel much better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset.'
'Don't be silly!' said the farmer. 'By the way, where is he?'
'Under the wagon,' replied Brett.

I saw a recent interview on the internet, with the old farmer who won twelve million dollars in the lottery. He was asked what he would do with all that money. He scratched his forehead and replied, 'I am not sure yet, but I think I will keep farming till it's all gone.'