Farmer Jokes, Farmer Joke
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Farmer Jokes

A man's car broke down on a country road one day. When the man got out to fix it and raised the hood, a brown furry donkey came along and stopped next to him.
'Hi! You probably have trouble with the alternator,' said the donkey.
Puzzled, the man stepped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The startled man told the farmer his story.
'Oh, I see. Was it a brown furry donkey?' asked the farmer.
'Yes, yes,' the man replied.
'No, no. I wouldn't listen to Shaggy,' replied the farmer, 'he does not know anything about cars.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A young backpacker was lost wandering in the hills. He came upon a small house, so he knocked on the door. A very old Chinese farmer greeted him with a long, grey beard.
'Hi, I am lost,' started the backpacker, 'Can you put me up for the night?'
'Hi, be my guest,' said the Chinese farmer. 'But I have one rule in my house. If you lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese torture methods known to man.'
'Okay,' replied the backpacker, thinking that the daughter must be also quite old.
He entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was gorgeous, a beautiful young lady with an irresistible figure. She was attracted to the young backpacker, she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the dinner. It was very hard to ignore her, but those Chinese torture methods held back the guy. He went to bed alone, but could not sleep. After a while he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear a thing. Then he sneaked back to his room, exhausted, but endlessly happy.
He was awakened by a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a big stone on his chest with a note on it: "First Chinese torture method: big, heavy stone on chest."
'Well, that's quite strange,' he thought. 'If this is the best the old man can do then I don't have to worry at all.'
He picked the stone up, and threw it out the window. As he did so, he noticed another note: "Second Chinese Torture method: Stone tied to right testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones were way better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the stone.
As he was falling he saw a large sign on the ground: "Third Chinese torture method: Left testicle tied to bedpost."
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

An old farmer was sitting in his rocking chair on his terrace. He was holding a small piece of rope.
He had a guest, a city man, who asked, 'What's the use of that rope?'
The old farmer replied, 'It's for weather forecasting.'
'How can you use that for weather forecasting?' asked the city man.
'It's easy. When it swings from side to side, it is windy, and when it's wet, it is raining.'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Sam decided to go skiing with his best friend, Dean. They loaded up Sam's jeep with their skiing equipment and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a horrible blizzard. Slowly they arrived to a farmhouse and asked the lady of the house if they could spend the night there.
'I am recently widowed and I'm afraid my neighbors will gossip if I let you stay in my house,' she told them.
'Don't worry, we will be more than happy if you let us sleep in the barn,' Sam said.
Nine months passed by and Sam got a letter from the widow's lawyer. He read it, and called up his best friend Dean.
'Hey buddy, do you remember that lady at the farm we stayed at? When we had to sleep in the barn.'
'Yes, I remember her.'
'Did you get up in the middle of the night to go and have sex with her?'
'Yes, I have to confess it.'
'Did you told her my name instead of yours?'
Dean's face turned red and he said shamefully, 'Yes, I'm afraid I did.'
'Well, thanks a lot buddy! She died and left me everything!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

There was a farmer that was very protective of his three teenage daughters. In fact, he always met their boyfriends at the door with his gun in his hand. Saturday evening, at six o'clock, there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered. The gun was in his hand as usual.
The young fellow at the door said, 'Hi, my name is Eddie, I am here for Bettie, we are going to have some spaghetti. Is she ready?'
The farmer looked at him, then replied, 'Okay, she's ready.'
Twenty minutes passed and there was another knock. The farmer opened it with his gun again.
The guy at the door said 'Hello, I am Joe, I am here for Flo, we are going to the show. Is she ready to go?'
The farmer looked him very well, and said, 'Yes, she is ready.'
Another twenty minutes later, there was a knock again. The farmer went to the door with his gun in his hand. The guy at the door said, 'Hi, my name is Chuck...' and the farmer shot him.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Farmer Jack hired a man to sort his celery crop. He grew a lot of celery stalks on his field, he needed some help to deal with them. He told the man to make piles. One for the really green and strong celery stalks, one for the medium ones and one for the smaller, younger ones.
After five hours, the man told Farmer Jack that he was quitting his job. He seemed unreasonably frustrated, he was sweaty, even his clothes were wet.
'Sorry, is the work too hard for you?' Farmer Jack asked.
'No,' he answered, 'but all these difficult decisions are stressing me out!'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

A farmer and his beloved, new wife were visited by her mother. Her first thing to do was a throughout inspection of the goat farm, where they would start their new life. The farmer had tried to be friendly and welcoming, hoping that they can build up a harmonious relationship. But the mother-in-law kept nagging them at every opportunity, offering unwanted advice, demanding changes and generally making life unbearable to the couple. While they were walking through one pen, the farmer's little white goat suddenly kicked up in the air, and got the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. They were in shock in spite of the mother-in-law's behavior.
At the funeral the farmer stood next to the coffin and greeted the people. Whenever a man would whisper something to the farmer, he shook his head and mumbled something. Whenever a woman whispered something to the farmer, he nodded and mumbled something. The pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, 'The women said: "What a terrible tragedy!" and I nodded my head and said: "Yes, it is". The men asked: "Can I borrow that little white goat?" and I shook my head and said: "Sorry, I can't do that, my little white goat is already booked for a year".
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 4 ratings)

Little Richie wanted be be a cowboy. He lacked any cowboy skills, but he was eager to learn. Taking pity on him, a farmer decided to give him a chance.
'This is a lariat, we use this to catch cows.' he explained.
'I see,' said Little Richie, trying to seem he has some cowboy skills as he examined the lariat. 'And what do you use for bait?'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A life insurance agent wanted to sell a policy to a farmer, but they were not on the same page.
'Look at it this way. How would your wife carry on if you should die?' the life insurance agent asked finally.
'Well, I don't think that'd be my concern, as long as she behaves herself while I am alive.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

There was guy on his backpacking trip to South America. He was hopeless in the sudden storm, it took him two hours to make it to the nearest farm house. Soaked and shivering, but he finally reached the front door and knocked on it. An old farmer answered and the guy explained that he is on a backpacking trip to South America and pleaded for a place to spend the night. 'Sure my young fella, I can give you a a place to sleep,' said the hospitable old man, 'but, I ain't got no daughter for you to sleep with, like you always hear in the jokes.'
'Oooh!' said the backpacker. Then considering what he heard, asked, 'And how far is the next farm house?'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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