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Farmer Jokes

There was guy on his backpacking trip to South America. He was hopeless in the sudden storm, it took him two hours to make it to the nearest farm house. Soaked and shivering, but he finally reached the front door and knocked on it. An old farmer answered and the guy explained that he is on a backpacking trip to South America and pleaded for a place to spend the night. 'Sure my young fella, I can give you a a place to sleep,' said the hospitable old man, 'but, I ain't got no daughter for you to sleep with, like you always hear in the jokes.'
'Oooh!' said the backpacker. Then considering what he heard, asked, 'And how far is the next farm house?'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Sam decided to go skiing with his best friend, Dean. They loaded up Sam's jeep with their skiing equipment and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a horrible blizzard. Slowly they arrived to a farmhouse and asked the lady of the house if they could spend the night there.
'I am recently widowed and I'm afraid my neighbors will gossip if I let you stay in my house,' she told them.
'Don't worry, we will be more than happy if you let us sleep in the barn,' Sam said.
Nine months passed by and Sam got a letter from the widow's lawyer. He read it, and called up his best friend Dean.
'Hey buddy, do you remember that lady at the farm we stayed at? When we had to sleep in the barn.'
'Yes, I remember her.'
'Did you get up in the middle of the night to go and have sex with her?'
'Yes, I have to confess it.'
'Did you told her my name instead of yours?'
Dean's face turned red and he said shamefully, 'Yes, I'm afraid I did.'
'Well, thanks a lot buddy! She died and left me everything!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A Wall Street broker bought a nice piece of land and moved to the country to start chicken farm business. He went to the local livestock trader and bought 150 chickens.
'That's a lot of chicks,' commented the trader.
'I do want to start chicken farm business. I want it to prosper as soon as possible,' replied the city dweller.
Five days later the broker returned and said, 'Hi, I need another 150 chickens.'
'Oh my friend, you are serious about this chicken farm business,' said the trader.
'Yes, I am,' he replied, 'I only have to rethink few problems.'
'Rethink problems?' asked back the trader.
'Yes, I think I planted that last ones way too close together.'
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(So far it's 3.67 point, based on 3 ratings)

Q: How do you know if a redneck is married?
A: There are tobacco spit stains in the pickup truck - on both sides.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The farmer's son was sent to sell chickens on the village market. His father gave him a big crate of chickens, but unfortunately he dropped it on his way and the chickens got loose. They escaped as fast as they could. The determined boy walked all over the neighborhood in search of them. Hoping he had found them all, the boy returned home, expecting the worst.
'Dad, I am so sorry but the chickens got loose,' he confessed sadly, 'but I managed to find all fifteen of them.'
'Don' worry, you did real good, son!' said the farmer happily. 'You left with ten!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A fire started on some dry, uncultivated land next to a farm. The fire department was alarmed and they rushed there. They couldn't put out the fire as it grew bigger than expected.
Someone suggested calling the nearby volunteer firefighter team. Many of the professionals doubted that they would be of any assistance, but the call was made and the volunteer firefighters arrived.
With a ramshackle, old fire truck they burst into the fire and drove right into the middle. The firemen jumped off the truck and started wildly spraying water in all directions. Quite soon they cut the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer firefighter team, and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he gave the volunteers a check for $2,000 right on the spot.
A local reporter asked their captain what the team planned to do with the funds.
'That is obvious,' he answered, wiping ashes off his coat, 'first of all we are going to get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!'
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(So far it's 4.67 point, based on 3 ratings)

Farmer Randy decided that his injuries from the truck accident were serious enough to sue the trucking company. After all they were responsible for the accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Farmer Randy.
'You said at the scene of the accident that you were all right. Is that true or not?' asked the lawyer.
'Well I am gonna tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite donkey, Dino into the...'
'I did not ask for marginal details,' the lawyer interrupted, 'just give us an answer.'
Farmer Randy continued, 'So I had just gotten my favorite donkey, Dino into the trailer and I was driving down the main road...'
'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this farmer told the police officer that he was just fine. Now, many days after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I think he is lying. Please tell him to simply answer my question.'
By this time the judge was interested in Farmer Randy's story and said to the lawyer, 'I would like to hear what he has to say about his favorite donkey, Dino.'
Farmer Randy thanked the judge and continued, 'So, as I was saying, I had just loaded my favorite donkey, Dino into the trailer and was driving him down the main road when this huge truck and trailer smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Dino was thrown into the other. I was badly injured and every movement hurt. However, I could hear my Dino groaning and moaning. I knew he was in awful shape. Soon the police officer arrived at the scene. He could hear Dino groaning and moaning so he went over to him. He took out his gun and shot him between the eyes. Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.'
Finally, Farmer Randy came to the end of his story.
'The police officer told me that the donkey was in such a bad shape that he had to shot him. After this the officer looked at me and asked: "Are you all right?"
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

One day three salesmen went to a ranch. They asked the farmer if he wanted to buy some of their products.
The farmer said, 'Okay, please wait here until I come back with the money. But do not touch my daughter while I'm gone!'
When he returned, he found them all on top of his daughter. He pointed his shotgun at them and yelled, 'Go out to my garden now, pick ten things, and run back in here!'
The first salesman returned with ten beans.
The farmer said, 'Shove them up your butt and you can go.'
Not wanting to be shot, the salesman shoved them up his butt without a word and he was free to go.
The second salesman returned with ten apricots.
The farmer said, 'Shove them up your butt and you can go.'
After he had done that, the salesman started laughing.
'What's so funny?' asked the farmer.
The salesman replied, 'The other guy is out there picking eggplants.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A retiring farmer wanted to sell his land. He had to get rid of his farm animals. So he visited everyone in the village. He gave a horse to those families where the man was the boss, and he gave a chicken to the families where the woman was the boss. In the middle of one street he found a couple outside, gardening.
'Hey! Who is the boss around here?' he asked.
'I am the boss,' said the man.
'I have a beautiful white mare horse and a sturdy black stallion to give away,' said the farmer. 'Which one would you like?'
The man was fascinated by the sturdy black stallion, he pointed and said, 'I would like that one.'
'No, no, Jimmy, get the white one,' the wife horned in.
'Here is your chicken,' said the farmer.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

There was a farmer that was very protective of his three teenage daughters. In fact, he always met their boyfriends at the door with his gun in his hand. Saturday evening, at six o'clock, there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered. The gun was in his hand as usual.
The young fellow at the door said, 'Hi, my name is Eddie, I am here for Bettie, we are going to have some spaghetti. Is she ready?'
The farmer looked at him, then replied, 'Okay, she's ready.'
Twenty minutes passed and there was another knock. The farmer opened it with his gun again.
The guy at the door said 'Hello, I am Joe, I am here for Flo, we are going to the show. Is she ready to go?'
The farmer looked him very well, and said, 'Yes, she is ready.'
Another twenty minutes later, there was a knock again. The farmer went to the door with his gun in his hand. The guy at the door said, 'Hi, my name is Chuck...' and the farmer shot him.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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