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Farmer Jokes

Farmer Randy decided that his injuries from the truck accident were serious enough to sue the trucking company. After all they were responsible for the accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Farmer Randy.
'You said at the scene of the accident that you were all right. Is that true or not?' asked the lawyer.
'Well I am gonna tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite donkey, Dino into the...'
'I did not ask for marginal details,' the lawyer interrupted, 'just give us an answer.'
Farmer Randy continued, 'So I had just gotten my favorite donkey, Dino into the trailer and I was driving down the main road...'
'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this farmer told the police officer that he was just fine. Now, many days after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I think he is lying. Please tell him to simply answer my question.'
By this time the judge was interested in Farmer Randy's story and said to the lawyer, 'I would like to hear what he has to say about his favorite donkey, Dino.'
Farmer Randy thanked the judge and continued, 'So, as I was saying, I had just loaded my favorite donkey, Dino into the trailer and was driving him down the main road when this huge truck and trailer smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Dino was thrown into the other. I was badly injured and every movement hurt. However, I could hear my Dino groaning and moaning. I knew he was in awful shape. Soon the police officer arrived at the scene. He could hear Dino groaning and moaning so he went over to him. He took out his gun and shot him between the eyes. Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.'
Finally, Farmer Randy came to the end of his story.
'The police officer told me that the donkey was in such a bad shape that he had to shot him. After this the officer looked at me and asked: "Are you all right?"
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A farmer and his beloved, new wife were visited by her mother. Her first thing to do was a throughout inspection of the goat farm, where they would start their new life. The farmer had tried to be friendly and welcoming, hoping that they can build up a harmonious relationship. But the mother-in-law kept nagging them at every opportunity, offering unwanted advice, demanding changes and generally making life unbearable to the couple. While they were walking through one pen, the farmer's little white goat suddenly kicked up in the air, and got the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. They were in shock in spite of the mother-in-law's behavior.
At the funeral the farmer stood next to the coffin and greeted the people. Whenever a man would whisper something to the farmer, he shook his head and mumbled something. Whenever a woman whispered something to the farmer, he nodded and mumbled something. The pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, 'The women said: "What a terrible tragedy!" and I nodded my head and said: "Yes, it is". The men asked: "Can I borrow that little white goat?" and I shook my head and said: "Sorry, I can't do that, my little white goat is already booked for a year".
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(So far it's 4.2 point, based on 5 ratings)

Next to a farmer's field a bus crashed into tree. It was full of politicians. Seeing what happened, the old farmer gets there to investigate. Finally digs a hole and buries them. The local sheriff goes by a few days later. He sees the bus crashed into tree, and asks the old farmer, 'Were they all dead?'
The old farmer replies, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know, all politicians lie.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Ervin's barn burned down.
His his wife, Eugenia, called the insurance company, 'Our barn burned down. We had that insured for sixty thousand and I want my money.'
The agent answered, 'Hi there, just a minute, Eugenia, let's step back. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will verify the value of the insured barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.'
There was a long pause before Eugenia replied, 'Well, then I want to cancel the policy on my husband.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A man was driving down a country road, when he spotted a farmer, who was standing right in the middle of a huge wheat field. He pulled the car over to the side of the country road and noticed that the farmer was just standing there, doing nothing.
The man got out of the car, walked all the way out to the middle of the field and asked the farmer, 'Hi, excuse me! What are you doing here in the in the middle of a huge wheat field?'
'I am trying to win a Nobel Prize,' replied the farmer.
'How?' asked the confused man.
'I heard they give the Nobel Prize to those people who are out standing in their field.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

You might be a redneck if...

... You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the radio and the lights to work.
... The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.
... You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.
... You think "dual airbags" refers to your mother-in-law and wife.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

On a drive in the country, a city businesswoman noticed a farmer, who was lifting a fat pig up to a plum tree. The pig there ate one plum after another.
'I am not a country girl, but if you just shook the tree, the plums will fall down. I guess that would save a lot of time.'
'Time.' answered the farmer. 'What does time matter to a simple fat pig?'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A young backpacker was lost wandering in the hills. He came upon a small house, so he knocked on the door. A very old Chinese farmer greeted him with a long, grey beard.
'Hi, I am lost,' started the backpacker, 'Can you put me up for the night?'
'Hi, be my guest,' said the Chinese farmer. 'But I have one rule in my house. If you lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese torture methods known to man.'
'Okay,' replied the backpacker, thinking that the daughter must be also quite old.
He entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was gorgeous, a beautiful young lady with an irresistible figure. She was attracted to the young backpacker, she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the dinner. It was very hard to ignore her, but those Chinese torture methods held back the guy. He went to bed alone, but could not sleep. After a while he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear a thing. Then he sneaked back to his room, exhausted, but endlessly happy.
He was awakened by a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a big stone on his chest with a note on it: "First Chinese torture method: big, heavy stone on chest."
'Well, that's quite strange,' he thought. 'If this is the best the old man can do then I don't have to worry at all.'
He picked the stone up, and threw it out the window. As he did so, he noticed another note: "Second Chinese Torture method: Stone tied to right testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones were way better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the stone.
As he was falling he saw a large sign on the ground: "Third Chinese torture method: Left testicle tied to bedpost."
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A man's car broke down on a country road one day. When the man got out to fix it and raised the hood, a brown furry donkey came along and stopped next to him.
'Hi! You probably have trouble with the alternator,' said the donkey.
Puzzled, the man stepped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The startled man told the farmer his story.
'Oh, I see. Was it a brown furry donkey?' asked the farmer.
'Yes, yes,' the man replied.
'No, no. I wouldn't listen to Shaggy,' replied the farmer, 'he does not know anything about cars.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

One day three salesmen went to a ranch. They asked the farmer if he wanted to buy some of their products.
The farmer said, 'Okay, please wait here until I come back with the money. But do not touch my daughter while I'm gone!'
When he returned, he found them all on top of his daughter. He pointed his shotgun at them and yelled, 'Go out to my garden now, pick ten things, and run back in here!'
The first salesman returned with ten beans.
The farmer said, 'Shove them up your butt and you can go.'
Not wanting to be shot, the salesman shoved them up his butt without a word and he was free to go.
The second salesman returned with ten apricots.
The farmer said, 'Shove them up your butt and you can go.'
After he had done that, the salesman started laughing.
'What's so funny?' asked the farmer.
The salesman replied, 'The other guy is out there picking eggplants.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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