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Farmer Jokes

A farmer from Texas goes to Australia, to spend there his vacation. He meets there with an Aussie farmer. They talk a lot, and the Aussie shows his big wheat field proudly.
'Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least three times as large.'
Then they walk around the ranch. The Aussie shows him the herd of cattle.
The farmer from Texas immediately comments, 'We have longhorns that are at least three times as large as your cows.'
The conversation almost dies at this point, but a bunch of kangaroos appears, hopping through the field. The Texas farmer asks, 'Wow, and what are those?'
The Aussie asks back with a satisfied smile, 'You have no grasshoppers in Texas?'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

Sam decided to go skiing with his best friend, Dean. They loaded up Sam's jeep with their skiing equipment and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a horrible blizzard. Slowly they arrived to a farmhouse and asked the lady of the house if they could spend the night there.
'I am recently widowed and I'm afraid my neighbors will gossip if I let you stay in my house,' she told them.
'Don't worry, we will be more than happy if you let us sleep in the barn,' Sam said.
Nine months passed by and Sam got a letter from the widow's lawyer. He read it, and called up his best friend Dean.
'Hey buddy, do you remember that lady at the farm we stayed at? When we had to sleep in the barn.'
'Yes, I remember her.'
'Did you get up in the middle of the night to go and have sex with her?'
'Yes, I have to confess it.'
'Did you told her my name instead of yours?'
Dean's face turned red and he said shamefully, 'Yes, I'm afraid I did.'
'Well, thanks a lot buddy! She died and left me everything!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

On a drive in the country, a city businesswoman noticed a farmer, who was lifting a fat pig up to a plum tree. The pig there ate one plum after another.
'I am not a country girl, but if you just shook the tree, the plums will fall down. I guess that would save a lot of time.'
'Time.' answered the farmer. 'What does time matter to a simple fat pig?'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A very enthusiastic, young preacher was walking on the countryside on a sunny day. He met a farmer, who was working on his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, he asked, 'Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good friend?'
The farmer replied without looking at the preacher, 'No, these are potatoes.'
The preacher said, 'My friend, you don't understand my question. Are you Christian?'
With even less interest the farmer replied, 'No, my name is Tuck. I guess you are looking for George Christian. He lives a mile north of here.'
The enthusiastic, young preacher tried to soften the farmer and win his interest, 'Are you lost?'
'No, I've lived here all my life,' he replied.
'My friend, are you prepared for the resurrection?' the stonewalled preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention, he looked up and asked, 'When will it be?'
The preacher thought he had accomplished something eventually.
'It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day,' he said joyfully.
The farmer said, 'Well, do not mention this to my wife. She doesn't get out much and she will want to go all three days.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 3 ratings)

Two rednecks went on a multi-day fishing trip. They rented all the equipment, the wading suits, the rods, the reels, the rowboat, even they rented a car and a cabin in the woods. They spent a fortune on this fishing trip.
The first day they didn't catch anything. The same happened on the second day, and on the third day as well. No fish. It went on like this until the last day, when suddenly one of the rednecks caught a fish.
As they were driving home from the fishing trip, they were really depressed.
'Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught costs us sixteen hundred bucks?' turned one redneck to the other.
The other redneck replied, 'Then we are lucky we didn't catch any more!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A driver ended up in a ditch with his car in a desolated area while he was trying the turns of the next rally. He was so lucky that a local farmer saw him and came to help with his strong red stallion named Luke.
He hitched Luke up to the car and yelled, 'Pull Sophie, pull!'
Luke didn't move.
Then the farmer yelled, 'Pull, Browny, pull!'
The red stallion didn't move.
The farmer yelled, 'Pull, Sky, pull!'
Luke still was standing still.
Then the farmer indifferently said, 'Pull, Luke, pull!'
And the strong red stallion easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The driver was thankful but very curious at the same time. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name many times.
The farmer replied, 'Oh, Luke is blind. He wouldn't even try if he thought he was the only one pulling!'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Little Richie wanted be be a cowboy. He lacked any cowboy skills, but he was eager to learn. Taking pity on him, a farmer decided to give him a chance.
'This is a lariat, we use this to catch cows.' he explained.
'I see,' said Little Richie, trying to seem he has some cowboy skills as he examined the lariat. 'And what do you use for bait?'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A farmer is looking to buy a chainsaw for cutting tree branches The dealer tells him, 'I think you should get our high-end model. That chainsaw will cut a hundred branches in one day.'
The farmer buys the chainsaw and begins working on the tree branches. After cutting for half a day, only two branches falls down from the tree. He thinks there might be something wrong with the chainsaw. 'I have to begin with this in the morning and cut all day!'
Next morning he gets up at 4 a.m. and cuts till dusk, and still he only manages to cut four branches. He is now convinced that the chainsaw doesn't work correctly. So next morning he takes the saw back to the dealer and explains that maybe it is not the best chainsaw for cutting tree branches. The dealer is astonished, removes the chainsaw from the case to have a look at it, but there is nothing visibly wrong with it. So he starts the chainsaw to see if it works. At this point the farmer asks, 'What the hell is that noise?'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

A young backpacker was lost wandering in the hills. He came upon a small house, so he knocked on the door. A very old Chinese farmer greeted him with a long, grey beard.
'Hi, I am lost,' started the backpacker, 'Can you put me up for the night?'
'Hi, be my guest,' said the Chinese farmer. 'But I have one rule in my house. If you lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese torture methods known to man.'
'Okay,' replied the backpacker, thinking that the daughter must be also quite old.
He entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was gorgeous, a beautiful young lady with an irresistible figure. She was attracted to the young backpacker, she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the dinner. It was very hard to ignore her, but those Chinese torture methods held back the guy. He went to bed alone, but could not sleep. After a while he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear a thing. Then he sneaked back to his room, exhausted, but endlessly happy.
He was awakened by a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a big stone on his chest with a note on it: "First Chinese torture method: big, heavy stone on chest."
'Well, that's quite strange,' he thought. 'If this is the best the old man can do then I don't have to worry at all.'
He picked the stone up, and threw it out the window. As he did so, he noticed another note: "Second Chinese Torture method: Stone tied to right testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones were way better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the stone.
As he was falling he saw a large sign on the ground: "Third Chinese torture method: Left testicle tied to bedpost."
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

The farmer's son was sent to sell chickens on the village market. His father gave him a big crate of chickens, but unfortunately he dropped it on his way and the chickens got loose. They escaped as fast as they could. The determined boy walked all over the neighborhood in search of them. Hoping he had found them all, the boy returned home, expecting the worst.
'Dad, I am so sorry but the chickens got loose,' he confessed sadly, 'but I managed to find all fifteen of them.'
'Don' worry, you did real good, son!' said the farmer happily. 'You left with ten!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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