Doctor Jokes

A woman and a baby go to the doctor. They go into the examining room and wait for the doctor. After arriving, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him too skinny.
'Is he a breastfed baby?' asks the doctor.
'Oh, yes, he is breastfed.'
'Strip down please to your waist,' orders the doctor.
She takes off her T-shirt and bra and sits on the examining table.
The doctor starts pressing and pinching both breasts for long minutes and does a thorough examination and says, 'No wonder he is so skinny. You don't have any milk!'
The woman with an ironic grin on her face responds, 'Of course since I am his aunt!'

A man was staring at his face n the mirror. He saw something growing out from his forehead. He consulted with a specialist who told him he has a rare genetic disorder.
'A penis is growing out of your forehead. But don't worry, your life is not in danger. Unfortunately this rare genetic disorder is inoperable, because of its extensive root system. I suggest to wear a hat. It could be a whole lot worse!'
'How can you say that? Do you know what that's gonna do to my sensitive ego? Every morning when I shave or was my teeth I'm going to see a dick sticking out of my forehead!'
The doctor replied, 'Don't be afraid, your balls will be in your eyes, you won't see anything.'

Bob and Stan were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest, picking two of the well behaved patients and giving them two questions to test their mental health.
If they answered correctly, they were deemed cured and free to go.
Bob was called into the doctor's office first to test his mental health.
'Bob, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?' asked the doctor.
'I would be half blind,' replied Bob.
'That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?'
'I would be completely blind.'
The doctor shook his hand and told him he was free.
On his way out, meanwhile the doctor filled out the paperwork, Bob told Stan the answers.
The doctor went through the formalities and then invited Stan to test his mental health.
'What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?'
'I would d be half blind,' replied Stan.
'Oh... What would happen if I cut off both your ears?' asked the puzzled doctor.
'I would be completely blind,' replied Stan.
'Stan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?' asked the suspicious doctor.
'Well, my hat would fall over my eyes,' replied Stan.

'Doctor, doctor! Help me! I keep seeing little white things before my eyes.'
'I understand. Have you seen a doctor before?'
'No, just little white things.'

Gavin walked into Dr. Benedict's office and put a paper on the table: "I cannot talk, please help me!"
The doctor was thinking for a second and said, 'Please put your penis on the table.'
Gavin found this weird, but Dr. Benedict was a specialist, so he did as he was told. Then the doctor pulled out a reflex hammer from his drawer and hit Gavin's penis with it as hard as he could.
The man cried loudly in his great pain, 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!'
Then the doctor said, 'Very well, come back tomorrow and we will learn the letter B!'

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Two months later, the nurse told him that she was pregnant. The doctor was in big trouble, he was married. Not wanting his wife to know, he told his nurse to travel to Rome and gave her a sum of money to have the baby there.
'I am not sure about this. How will I tell you the baby is born after l travel to Rome?' she asked.
'Just send me a nice postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. No worries, I will take care of expenses,' he replied.
Not having a better idea, the nurse took the money and flew to Rome.
Seven months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office.
'Hello dear, you received a postcard in the mail today from Europe. It is very strange. I don't understand what it means.'
The doctor replied, 'Honey, just wait until I get home. I will explain it to you.'
That evening, the doctor came home and read the postcard. He fell to the floor with a heart attack. He was taken to the hospital immediately. One nurse stayed back to comfort the wife. She asked what trauma had caused this heart attack.
The wife showed the card: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs and sausage, two without."

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They choose the psycho path.

A psychologist at the asylum decided to take his inmates to an american football game. He had trained the patients for long weeks in advance to respond to his commands.
When the day of the american football game arrived, everything went smoothly. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, 'Up nuts!'
And the patients stood up.
After the anthem he yelled, 'Down nuts!'
And they all sat down.
After a goal he yelled, 'Cheer nuts!'
And they cheered, clapping.
Thinking things were going well, he decided to go get a hot dog, so he left his assistant in charge. He returned only to see that there was a big fight. Finding his assistant was not easy, but he could ask what happened.
The assistant explained, 'Uh, everything was okay, but one guy walked by and yelled: "PEANUTS!"

A farmer had been sick for days. He decided to visit the doctor. The doctor examined him, and said, 'I cannot see what the problem is, but I guess it has something to do with alcohol.'
'Fine,' said the farmer, 'then I will come back when you are sober.'

On the park bench one day two elderly ladies were chatting about life and death.
'To be serious, I am so fed up with life! I want to kill myself! What would be the quickest and easiest way to do it?'
The other lady kept sitting on the park bench, stared into nothing, and advised, 'Shoot yourself under your left boob.'
The next day one elderly lady was taken to the ER with a gun shot wound under her left knee.