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Doctor Jokes

A man went to the psychiatrist's office and started to explain his problem.
'I have this problem,' the man started, 'that I keep hallucinating I am a dog. It is just crazy. I don't know what should I do!'
'A common canine complex,' diagnosed the psychiatrist. 'No worries, come here and lie down on the couch.'
'Oh, Doctor, no...' the man said nervously, 'Dogs are not allowed up on the furniture.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Nina called the doctor in a panic.
'Doctor, doctor! My little Sammy swallowed a full box of aspirin, twenty pills! What should I do now?'
'Are you sure that there was twenty pills?'
The furious mother panicked, 'Absolutely! Doctor, I'm scared to death! What can I do now?'
'Calm down, Nina. Tell me, is little Sammy crying?'
'No.'
'Is he pale?'
'No.'
'Is he sleeping now?'
'No.'
'Okay, that's all good. Did Sammy throw up?'
'No. But I'm so worried. I'm scared to death! All that medicine in his body... Shouldn't I do something?'
The doctor answered, 'Try giving him a headache.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

The car mechanic and the heart surgeon met in a garage. The mechanic was working on the engine of a sports car. The world-famous heart surgeon came in to meet the manager, who would have a look at his Lamborghini.
The car mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey doctor! Could I have a question?
The surgeon was a bit surprised but walked over to him.
The mechanic stood up, wiped his oily hands on a rag and asked, 'Doctor, take a look at this engine. I can open it up, take valves out, fix them or put new parts in. When I finish, the sports car will work just like a new one. Why I get only pennies for that, while you get the really really big money? You and I are doing basically the same work.'
The world-famous heart surgeon smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the car mechanic, 'Well, try doing it while it's running!'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Q: What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
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(So far it's 3.33 point, based on 3 ratings)

A six-year-old girl and her mother stood in front of a dental centre poster.
'If I had to have false teeth, Mommy, I would take that pair,' pointed the girl.
'Hush, Maggie,' said the mother quickly, shaking her arm, 'I told you it's not polite to pick your teeth in public!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Bob and Stan were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest, picking two of the well behaved patients and giving them two questions to test their mental health.
If they answered correctly, they were deemed cured and free to go.
Bob was called into the doctor's office first to test his mental health.
'Bob, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?' asked the doctor.
'I would be half blind,' replied Bob.
'That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?'
'I would be completely blind.'
The doctor shook his hand and told him he was free.
On his way out, meanwhile the doctor filled out the paperwork, Bob told Stan the answers.
The doctor went through the formalities and then invited Stan to test his mental health.
'What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?'
'I would d be half blind,' replied Stan.
'Oh... What would happen if I cut off both your ears?' asked the puzzled doctor.
'I would be completely blind,' replied Stan.
'Stan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?' asked the suspicious doctor.
'Well, my hat would fall over my eyes,' replied Stan.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A cannibal said to the doctor, 'I have an awful heartburn!'
'Well, well, what did you eat?'
'Just some missionaries with hooded robes,' the cannibal replied.
'Okay, how did you cook them?'
'Boiled...'
'Oh, no wonder you have that awful heartburn. Those are not boilers. They are friars!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A middle-aged woman was taken to the hospital because she had a heart attack. On the operating table, she had a near-death experience, and she saw God.
'Is my time up?' she asked.
'No, it is not. You still have 36 years, 10 months, and 15 days to live your life.'
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital to get some changes done. She had a lip augmentation, a facelift, and a tummy tuck. She even had a beautician and a hairdresser. She wanted to live her life to the fullest.
She was released from the hospital a few days after her last operation. She was walking out of the building happily, when suddenly an ambulance hit her.
She saw God again and she demanded, 'You said I had another 36 years. Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?'
God replied, 'Sorry, I didn't recognize you!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Some days before his proctological examination, the one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there weren't any negative effects on him, so he forgot about it.
When he was in the doctor's office, the one-eyed man followed the instructions. He undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's anus was that eye staring right back at him.
'You know, ' started the doctor, 'you really have to learn to trust me.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

One day Matt complained to his best friend that his right elbow really hurts. His friend told him about a modern diagnosis method. He said that there was a new computer in the pharmacy, which could diagnose anything, moreover it was quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
'You simply have to fill a sample of your urine into the computer, and it will diagnose your problem. Even it tells you what you can do about it. It only costs $20.'
Matt had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample and went to the pharmacy. He poured in the sample and deposited the $20.
The computer printed a document a minute later: "You have tennis elbow. You have to soak your arm in warm water. You have to avoid lifting heavy things. You will get better in three weeks."
Later that day, he was thinking about this new, modern diagnosis method, and how this technology will change medical science forever. He began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He mixed in a jar together the cat's urine sample, his wife's, their daughter's, he also put tap water in it, and to make it perfect, he masturbated into the jar.
He went back to the pharmacy, poured in the sample and deposited the $20. The computer printed out the following diagnosis: "Your tap water is too hard. You have to get a water softener. Your cat has worms. You have to get her vitamins. Your daughter is using LSD. You have to put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin boys. They are not yours. You have to get a lawyer. And if you do not stop masturbation, your tennis elbow will never ever get better."
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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