Doctor Jokes

Bob and Stan were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest, picking two of the well behaved patients and giving them two questions to test their mental health.
If they answered correctly, they were deemed cured and free to go.
Bob was called into the doctor's office first to test his mental health.
'Bob, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?' asked the doctor.
'I would be half blind,' replied Bob.
'That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?'
'I would be completely blind.'
The doctor shook his hand and told him he was free.
On his way out, meanwhile the doctor filled out the paperwork, Bob told Stan the answers.
The doctor went through the formalities and then invited Stan to test his mental health.
'What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?'
'I would d be half blind,' replied Stan.
'Oh... What would happen if I cut off both your ears?' asked the puzzled doctor.
'I would be completely blind,' replied Stan.
'Stan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?' asked the suspicious doctor.
'Well, my hat would fall over my eyes,' replied Stan.

Christmas Carols and Psychiatric Challenges

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me

Dementia: I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Two months later, the nurse told him that she was pregnant. The doctor was in big trouble, he was married. Not wanting his wife to know, he told his nurse to travel to Rome and gave her a sum of money to have the baby there.
'I am not sure about this. How will I tell you the baby is born after l travel to Rome?' she asked.
'Just send me a nice postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. No worries, I will take care of expenses,' he replied.
Not having a better idea, the nurse took the money and flew to Rome.
Seven months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office.
'Hello dear, you received a postcard in the mail today from Europe. It is very strange. I don't understand what it means.'
The doctor replied, 'Honey, just wait until I get home. I will explain it to you.'
That evening, the doctor came home and read the postcard. He fell to the floor with a heart attack. He was taken to the hospital immediately. One nurse stayed back to comfort the wife. She asked what trauma had caused this heart attack.
The wife showed the card: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs and sausage, two without."

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
'Good morning! I couldn't help noticing how happy you look. What's your secret to a long happy life?' she asked.
'You know, I drink a case of beer every day, and I smoke three packs of cigarettes with them. And I love eating fatty foods. And I never exercise. That is my secret to a long happy life,' he replied.
'That's amazing. And how old are you?' asked the surprised woman.
'Twenty-six,' replied the man.

There was a woman who wanted bigger boobs. She went to her doctor, Dr. Yuzu, and asked him about breast implants.
'Before you do anything serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. This is an effective breast implant alternative. Every morning when you wake up in your bed, rub your boobs and say: "Scooobie dooobie, give me bigger boobies!"' he suggested.
She did this faithfully for six months and when she noticed that they actually were getting bigger, she was very happy that she started this breast implant alternative.
One morning she woke up late, so she was in a hurry. By the time she got on the train she realized that she forgot to rub her boobs.
So as she was sitting on the train, she started to rub her boobs, saying, 'Scooobie dooobie, give me bigger boobies!'
The man standing next to her asked, 'Hey, do you know Dr. Yuzu?'
'Yes, how did you know?' she said.
'Hickory, dickory dock!' he replied.

A woman went to the psychiatrist.
'What seems to be the problem? What is your situation?' the psychiatrist asked.
'Well, I, so...,' she murmured, 'I think that, actually, I might be a nymphomaniac.'
'I see,' replied the psychiatrist. 'I am working with the highest psychiatrist fee per hour, but I can help you. I must warn you that means one hour is $100.'
'Hmm, not bad at all,' the woman replied, 'and how much is your fee for all night?'

A middle-aged woman was taken to the hospital because she had a heart attack. On the operating table, she had a near-death experience, and she saw God.
'Is my time up?' she asked.
'No, it is not. You still have 36 years, 10 months, and 15 days to live your life.'
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital to get some changes done. She had a lip augmentation, a facelift, and a tummy tuck. She even had a beautician and a hairdresser. She wanted to live her life to the fullest.
She was released from the hospital a few days after her last operation. She was walking out of the building happily, when suddenly an ambulance hit her.
She saw God again and she demanded, 'You said I had another 36 years. Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?'
God replied, 'Sorry, I didn't recognize you!'

One day Matt complained to his best friend that his right elbow really hurts. His friend told him about a modern diagnosis method. He said that there was a new computer in the pharmacy, which could diagnose anything, moreover it was quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
'You simply have to fill a sample of your urine into the computer, and it will diagnose your problem. Even it tells you what you can do about it. It only costs $20.'
Matt had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample and went to the pharmacy. He poured in the sample and deposited the $20.
The computer printed a document a minute later: "You have tennis elbow. You have to soak your arm in warm water. You have to avoid lifting heavy things. You will get better in three weeks."
Later that day, he was thinking about this new, modern diagnosis method, and how this technology will change medical science forever. He began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He mixed in a jar together the cat's urine sample, his wife's, their daughter's, he also put tap water in it, and to make it perfect, he masturbated into the jar.
He went back to the pharmacy, poured in the sample and deposited the $20. The computer printed out the following diagnosis: "Your tap water is too hard. You have to get a water softener. Your cat has worms. You have to get her vitamins. Your daughter is using LSD. You have to put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin boys. They are not yours. You have to get a lawyer. And if you do not stop masturbation, your tennis elbow will never ever get better."

Maybe you have to change your GP. Read the ultimate signs of a bad doctor:

1. He calls you at 3 a.m. "just to talk."
2. He colors your X-rays with crayons every time.
3. He thinks Eastern Medicine was developed in Long Island.
4. His examination room is Room 13 at the No-Tell Motel.
5. Instead of rubber surgical gloves he wears oven mitts.
6. Before surgery, he asks if you want this "to go".
7. He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as "drumsticks".
8. He keeps accidentally referring to himself as "the defendant."

Two elderly men were arguing the competence of their doctors.
'I don't trust your unworthy doctor. He treated old Gedeon Baily for a liver disease for almost a year. Then Gedeon died of a heart disease,' said the first.
'So why do you think your doctor is any better?' asked his pal.
'Because when my doctor treats you for a heart disease, you can be sure you will die of a heart disease.'