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Doctor Jokes

A man went to the psychiatrist's office and started to explain his problem.
'I have this problem,' the man started, 'that I keep hallucinating I am a dog. It is just crazy. I don't know what should I do!'
'A common canine complex,' diagnosed the psychiatrist. 'No worries, come here and lie down on the couch.'
'Oh, Doctor, no...' the man said nervously, 'Dogs are not allowed up on the furniture.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Doctor: It hurts very much when you do this, right?
Patient: Yes, it hurts very much.
Doctor: I see. Then do not do that.
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

'Dr. Johnson, you have to help me. I'm hearing voices but I don't see people,' said the patient.
'And when are you hearing those voices?' asked Dr. Johnson.
'When I am on the telephone,' replied the patient.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Two elderly men were arguing the competence of their doctors.
'I don't trust your unworthy doctor. He treated old Gedeon Baily for a liver disease for almost a year. Then Gedeon died of a heart disease,' said the first.
'So why do you think your doctor is any better?' asked his pal.
'Because when my doctor treats you for a heart disease, you can be sure you will die of a heart disease.'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Some days before his proctological examination, the one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there weren't any negative effects on him, so he forgot about it.
When he was in the doctor's office, the one-eyed man followed the instructions. He undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's anus was that eye staring right back at him.
'You know, ' started the doctor, 'you really have to learn to trust me.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Q: What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

A middle-aged woman was taken to the hospital because she had a heart attack. On the operating table, she had a near-death experience, and she saw God.
'Is my time up?' she asked.
'No, it is not. You still have 36 years, 10 months, and 15 days to live your life.'
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital to get some changes done. She had a lip augmentation, a facelift, and a tummy tuck. She even had a beautician and a hairdresser. She wanted to live her life to the fullest.
She was released from the hospital a few days after her last operation. She was walking out of the building happily, when suddenly an ambulance hit her.
She saw God again and she demanded, 'You said I had another 36 years. Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?'
God replied, 'Sorry, I didn't recognize you!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

When Loren, the grandmother in her late eighties, decided to move to Argentina, went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a long long list of complaints: that is stiff, I'm slow, I'm tired and that hurts, etc.
'Loren, you have to expect things to change. After all, who wants to live to 100?' replied the doctor.
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and answered, 'Everyone who is 99.'
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A woman went to the psychiatrist.
'What seems to be the problem? What is your situation?' the psychiatrist asked.
'Well, I, so...,' she murmured, 'I think that, actually, I might be a nymphomaniac.'
'I see,' replied the psychiatrist. 'I am working with the highest psychiatrist fee per hour, but I can help you. I must warn you that means one hour is $100.'
'Hmm, not bad at all,' the woman replied, 'and how much is your fee for all night?'
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One of the patients in a mental hospital had saved the other's life. The other had a suicide attempt, but the inmate saved him by pulling him out of the bathtub. The head psychiatrist of the hospital reviewed the rescuer's documents and called him into his office for a private talk.
'Mr. Ron, it is obvious, based on your records and on your heroic behavior, that you are ready to go home. I am very sorry that the patient you saved later had an other suicide attempt and eventually killed himself with a rope.'
'Oh, Doc, he did not kill himself,' Mr. Ron replied, 'I simply hung him up to dry.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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