Doctor Jokes

Two elderly men were arguing the competence of their doctors.
'I don't trust your unworthy doctor. He treated old Gedeon Baily for a liver disease for almost a year. Then Gedeon died of a heart disease,' said the first.
'So why do you think your doctor is any better?' asked his pal.
'Because when my doctor treats you for a heart disease, you can be sure you will die of a heart disease.'

On the park bench one day two elderly ladies were chatting about life and death.
'To be serious, I am so fed up with life! I want to kill myself! What would be the quickest and easiest way to do it?'
The other lady kept sitting on the park bench, stared into nothing, and advised, 'Shoot yourself under your left boob.'
The next day one elderly lady was taken to the ER with a gun shot wound under her left knee.

A man went to the psychiatrist's office and started to explain his problem.
'I have this problem,' the man started, 'that I keep hallucinating I am a dog. It is just crazy. I don't know what should I do!'
'A common canine complex,' diagnosed the psychiatrist. 'No worries, come here and lie down on the couch.'
'Oh, Doctor, no...' the man said nervously, 'Dogs are not allowed up on the furniture.'

A middle-aged woman was taken to the hospital because she had a heart attack. On the operating table, she had a near-death experience, and she saw God.
'Is my time up?' she asked.
'No, it is not. You still have 36 years, 10 months, and 15 days to live your life.'
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital to get some changes done. She had a lip augmentation, a facelift, and a tummy tuck. She even had a beautician and a hairdresser. She wanted to live her life to the fullest.
She was released from the hospital a few days after her last operation. She was walking out of the building happily, when suddenly an ambulance hit her.
She saw God again and she demanded, 'You said I had another 36 years. Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?'
God replied, 'Sorry, I didn't recognize you!'

'Doctor, I have swallowed the color negative film from my camera by accident!'
'Well, we will just have to be patient and see what develops.'

A psychiatrist was doing his normal morning routine, visiting the patients in their rooms. He found Patient "A" sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient "B" was hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The psychiatrist asked Patient "A" what he was doing.
He replied, 'Can't you see? I'm sawing this piece of wood in half.'
The psychiatrist asked Patient "A" what Patient "B" was doing. Patient "A" replied, 'Oh, he is my best friend, but he is a little crazy. He thinks he is a light bulb.'
The psychiatrist looked up and noticed the reddening face of Patient "B". This is why visiting the patients is the first thing in the morning.
'If he's your best friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself,' said the psychiatrist to Patient "A".
He replied, 'What? No! I cannot work in the dark!'

Maybe you have to change your GP. Read the ultimate signs of a bad doctor:

1. He calls you at 3 a.m. "just to talk."
2. He colors your X-rays with crayons every time.
3. He thinks Eastern Medicine was developed in Long Island.
4. His examination room is Room 13 at the No-Tell Motel.
5. Instead of rubber surgical gloves he wears oven mitts.
6. Before surgery, he asks if you want this "to go".
7. He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as "drumsticks".
8. He keeps accidentally referring to himself as "the defendant."

A woman went to the psychiatrist.
'What seems to be the problem? What is your situation?' the psychiatrist asked.
'Well, I, so...,' she murmured, 'I think that, actually, I might be a nymphomaniac.'
'I see,' replied the psychiatrist. 'I am working with the highest psychiatrist fee per hour, but I can help you. I must warn you that means one hour is $100.'
'Hmm, not bad at all,' the woman replied, 'and how much is your fee for all night?'

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
'Good morning! I couldn't help noticing how happy you look. What's your secret to a long happy life?' she asked.
'You know, I drink a case of beer every day, and I smoke three packs of cigarettes with them. And I love eating fatty foods. And I never exercise. That is my secret to a long happy life,' he replied.
'That's amazing. And how old are you?' asked the surprised woman.
'Twenty-six,' replied the man.

A woman and a baby go to the doctor. They go into the examining room and wait for the doctor. After arriving, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him too skinny.
'Is he a breastfed baby?' asks the doctor.
'Oh, yes, he is breastfed.'
'Strip down please to your waist,' orders the doctor.
She takes off her T-shirt and bra and sits on the examining table.
The doctor starts pressing and pinching both breasts for long minutes and does a thorough examination and says, 'No wonder he is so skinny. You don't have any milk!'
The woman with an ironic grin on her face responds, 'Of course since I am his aunt!'