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Doctor Jokes

'Dr. Johnson, you have to help me. I'm hearing voices but I don't see people,' said the patient.
'And when are you hearing those voices?' asked Dr. Johnson.
'When I am on the telephone,' replied the patient.
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 2.25 point, based on 4 ratings)

Nina called the doctor in a panic.
'Doctor, doctor! My little Sammy swallowed a full box of aspirin, twenty pills! What should I do now?'
'Are you sure that there was twenty pills?'
The furious mother panicked, 'Absolutely! Doctor, I'm scared to death! What can I do now?'
'Calm down, Nina. Tell me, is little Sammy crying?'
'No.'
'Is he pale?'
'No.'
'Is he sleeping now?'
'No.'
'Okay, that's all good. Did Sammy throw up?'
'No. But I'm so worried. I'm scared to death! All that medicine in his body... Shouldn't I do something?'
The doctor answered, 'Try giving him a headache.'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

A man went to the doctor to get the annual health check-up results. After the doctor examined him, he told the man he had very bad news, since his check-up results showed cancer and Alzheimer's disease.
The man replied, 'Well, at least I don't have cancer.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A dentist was talking to his client about the sanitary problems which some of his colleagues were facing.
'One of my friends was touring a factory in Mexico, where rubber gloves are made. He saw exactly the process of making the gloves. One person puts his hand in the melted rubber, walks over to a big bowl of cooling water and dips his hand into it to solidify the rubber. Then they drop the glove in a finished products box.'
The patient was disgusted by this. Since the dentist wanted to keep his clients, he didn't tell the story of the factory where condoms are made.
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A psychiatrist was doing his normal morning routine, visiting the patients in their rooms. He found Patient "A" sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient "B" was hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The psychiatrist asked Patient "A" what he was doing.
He replied, 'Can't you see? I'm sawing this piece of wood in half.'
The psychiatrist asked Patient "A" what Patient "B" was doing. Patient "A" replied, 'Oh, he is my best friend, but he is a little crazy. He thinks he is a light bulb.'
The psychiatrist looked up and noticed the reddening face of Patient "B". This is why visiting the patients is the first thing in the morning.
'If he's your best friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself,' said the psychiatrist to Patient "A".
He replied, 'What? No! I cannot work in the dark!'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

Christmas Carols and Psychiatric Challenges

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me

Dementia: I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A six-year-old girl and her mother stood in front of a dental centre poster.
'If I had to have false teeth, Mommy, I would take that pair,' pointed the girl.
'Hush, Maggie,' said the mother quickly, shaking her arm, 'I told you it's not polite to pick your teeth in public!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A woman went to the psychiatrist.
'What seems to be the problem? What is your situation?' the psychiatrist asked.
'Well, I, so...,' she murmured, 'I think that, actually, I might be a nymphomaniac.'
'I see,' replied the psychiatrist. 'I am working with the highest psychiatrist fee per hour, but I can help you. I must warn you that means one hour is $100.'
'Hmm, not bad at all,' the woman replied, 'and how much is your fee for all night?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Bob and Stan were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest, picking two of the well behaved patients and giving them two questions to test their mental health.
If they answered correctly, they were deemed cured and free to go.
Bob was called into the doctor's office first to test his mental health.
'Bob, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?' asked the doctor.
'I would be half blind,' replied Bob.
'That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?'
'I would be completely blind.'
The doctor shook his hand and told him he was free.
On his way out, meanwhile the doctor filled out the paperwork, Bob told Stan the answers.
The doctor went through the formalities and then invited Stan to test his mental health.
'What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?'
'I would d be half blind,' replied Stan.
'Oh... What would happen if I cut off both your ears?' asked the puzzled doctor.
'I would be completely blind,' replied Stan.
'Stan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?' asked the suspicious doctor.
'Well, my hat would fall over my eyes,' replied Stan.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

On the park bench one day two elderly ladies were chatting about life and death.
'To be serious, I am so fed up with life! I want to kill myself! What would be the quickest and easiest way to do it?'
The other lady kept sitting on the park bench, stared into nothing, and advised, 'Shoot yourself under your left boob.'
The next day one elderly lady was taken to the ER with a gun shot wound under her left knee.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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