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Doctor Jokes

How to Stay Healthy?

First thing first, you have to eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and vegetables.
Take vitamins and bump up your vitamin C and D.
Get daily exercise. It strengthens your immune system.
Walk for at least one hour a day or go for a run, take the stairs instead of the elevator, go swimming, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial liquid with you.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress and anxiety from your life as you can.

OR
You can take the doctor's approach. Think about it, they clean the arm with alcohol.
Why? Because alcohol kills germs.

SO STAY HEALTHY AND DO IT RIGHT!
Walk to the liquor store (exercise)
Put orange juice into your cocktail (fruit)
Put celery into your Bloody Mary (vegetable)
Drink on the bar patio (fresh air)
Get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress and anxiety)
Pass out (rest)

Look, if you keep your alcohol levels up, nothing can get you!
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An old and apparently sick lady appeared in a hospital emergency room. She drove herself to the hospital and barely could stand on her legs.
The horrified nurse ran to help her but said, 'Why on earth didn't you call the 911 number to order an ambulance?'
The lady said, 'My old rotary telephone does not have an eleven.'
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(So far it's 4.67 point, based on 3 ratings)

Psychologist: 'Tell me your problem, please!'
Client: 'I am convinced that I am a chicken.'
Psychologist: 'Hmmm, how long has this thought been chasing you?'
Client: 'Ever since I was an egg in the barn.'
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Living with a nurse is difficult because:

1. You are often awakened from a sweet sleep in the middle of the night because she is shaking you. She explains that your breathing patterns were a little too close to a Cheyne-Stokes rhythm.

2. When you forget to flush the toilet, you get a complete analysis with a two-week plan on how to correct any noted problems.

3. Thanksgiving dinner comes in pre-cut pieces every year because she doesn't want to have to perform the Heimlich maneuver and be reminded of work on the only holiday she's had off in years.
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Christmas Carols and Psychiatric Challenges

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me

Dementia: I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Two months later, the nurse told him that she was pregnant. The doctor was in big trouble, he was married. Not wanting his wife to know, he told his nurse to travel to Rome and gave her a sum of money to have the baby there.
'I am not sure about this. How will I tell you the baby is born after l travel to Rome?' she asked.
'Just send me a nice postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. No worries, I will take care of expenses,' he replied.
Not having a better idea, the nurse took the money and flew to Rome.
Seven months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office.
'Hello dear, you received a postcard in the mail today from Europe. It is very strange. I don't understand what it means.'
The doctor replied, 'Honey, just wait until I get home. I will explain it to you.'
That evening, the doctor came home and read the postcard. He fell to the floor with a heart attack. He was taken to the hospital immediately. One nurse stayed back to comfort the wife. She asked what trauma had caused this heart attack.
The wife showed the card: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs and sausage, two without."
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A psychologist at the asylum decided to take his inmates to an american football game. He had trained the patients for long weeks in advance to respond to his commands.
When the day of the american football game arrived, everything went smoothly. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, 'Up nuts!'
And the patients stood up.
After the anthem he yelled, 'Down nuts!'
And they all sat down.
After a goal he yelled, 'Cheer nuts!'
And they cheered, clapping.
Thinking things were going well, he decided to go get a hot dog, so he left his assistant in charge. He returned only to see that there was a big fight. Finding his assistant was not easy, but he could ask what happened.
The assistant explained, 'Uh, everything was okay, but one guy walked by and yelled: "PEANUTS!"
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When Loren, the grandmother in her late eighties, decided to move to Argentina, went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a long long list of complaints: that is stiff, I'm slow, I'm tired and that hurts, etc.
'Loren, you have to expect things to change. After all, who wants to live to 100?' replied the doctor.
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and answered, 'Everyone who is 99.'
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There is a dark side of aging. Keep reading.

- Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

- A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

- Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

- You are getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he is too old to go anywhere.

- You know you are getting old when the girls at your workplace start confiding in you.

- You are getting old when you are sitting in a rocking chair and you can't get it started.

- You are getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling - but you didn't do anything the night before.

- When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

- There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

- It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
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A six-year-old girl and her mother stood in front of a dental centre poster.
'If I had to have false teeth, Mommy, I would take that pair,' pointed the girl.
'Hush, Maggie,' said the mother quickly, shaking her arm, 'I told you it's not polite to pick your teeth in public!'
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