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Criminal Jokes

A young couple got married. Two days later they were sipping their cocktails on a Mexican beach on their honeymoon. Three weeks later they got home, tanned and relaxed. It was time to sort out their wedding presents. In their mailbox they also found something, it was an invitation for a fancy art gallery opening.
They were very excited, this gesture was so nice. But there was no signature, so they had no clue who to thank for. Anyway, they went to the art gallery opening, and had a wonderful time there. Late at night, when they returned, they still were chatting about the secret gift sender. But soon they were shocked, the house was fully open and every valuable things had disappeared.
On the fridge they found one note: "Now you know from who!"
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The Rosenthal family was proud of their old traditions. Their great-great-grandfather had come to America on a ship, and they gave senators, successful businesses and financial breakthroughs to the country. They decided to compile a family history, wanted to give a true legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a popular author to write a life-changing book about the family.
However, one puzzle did not fit in. Their great-uncle Jeremy, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could write the story tactfully. The book was published, and was not a lie in that: "Great-uncle Jeremy occupied a chair of applied electronics at a significant government institution. He was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came suddenly, as a great shock.'
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An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig the garden to prepare a vegetable garden plot, but it was too hard work for him alone. His only son, who always helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to him and described his situation:

"Dear My Only Son,
I am not feeling well these days at all. It looks like I won't be able to plant my vegetables this year. I am too old to dig up and prepare my vegetable garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would end. I know you would dig the garden for me.
I love you, Daddy"

Two days later the old man received a letter from his son:

"Dear Daddy,
For heaven's sake, do not dig up that garden never ever, that is where I buried THAT.
Love you too, Son"

Next morning, federal agents and local police appeared at the old man's house. They dug up the entire garden without finding any bodies. They were ashamed, apologized to the old man and left. Next day the old man received another letter from his beloved son:

"Dear Daddy,
That was the best I could do under the circumstances to help you to prepare the vegetable garden plot.
Love you, Son
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In Tulsa, Oklahoma, Rebecca Warren was arrested for trying to rob a bank in a blonde wig and a biker mask, but without a weapon. Warren used her right thumb and right forefinger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, she failed to keep her hand in her pocket.
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The prison guard asked harshly from one of the instigators of the suppressed riot, 'I want to know two things. The first is: What was the reason of the riot? The second is: How did you get out of your cells?'
'We rebelled because the quality of prison food is terrible.'
'So, prison food quality... And what did you use to break the cell bars?' the guard asked.
'Baguette...'
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A man walked into a grocery store, put a $50 bill on the counter. He asked for change. The clerk opened the cash drawer readily, when the man pulled his gun and took all the cash and fled, leaving the $50 bill on the counter.
The Criminal Law question is: The total amount of the cash robbed was only $40. If someone points a gun at you and actually gives you money, was a crime committed or not?
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Examples of signs for keeping burglars out of the house:

Dear "Guest": Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have been wired to explode when touched. Let the game begin!

Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very, very careful when you go inside. The termites have eaten through most of the floor and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are.

Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. The next time you put letters into our mailbox, please keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P. S.: We left this book for you here: "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"

Thelma, don't come in! The boa cage got loose again.

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave seven pounds of meat for Brutus, five pounds only makes him angry and vicious.
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A guy went to buy an old-fashioned vinyl record. He was in the music store when he noticed that he forgot his wallet at home. Instead of collecting his wallet, he decided to steal the vinyl record. So he simply slid it into his trousers.
The old cashier spotted him of course and said, 'Hey, you there! Is that a record in your trousers?
The guy replied, 'Well, it might not be a record, however there haven't been any complaints so far.'
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On a November night, an Italian businessman's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to baby Jesus. It was one of their family traditions before the Holidays.
He starts: "Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I have been a good son the whole year. I would like to get a brand new..."
He looks at the paper, then tears it into pieces. He takes out a new piece of paper from the drawer and starts again: "Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I have been a good son for most of this year, so I want a brand new..."
He again looks at it, frowns, then tears into pieces.
Then he gets the idea. He goes into his parents' room, gets the statue of the Virgin Mary, locks it in the cabinet, takes another piece of paper and starts writing: "Dear Lord Baby Jesus, if you want to see your mother again..."
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A bicycle mailman was telling his colleague one day that the company wants to transfer him to Minneapolis but he was going to quit before he had to move there.
'Why?' the colleague asked.
'I am just too afraid of the crime, too new, too big city for a bicycle mailman. Even though I have to pass the bigger salary and the fringe benefits, I do not want to transfer there,' he replied.
'Kevin, reconsider that. Minneapolis has parks, lakes, museums, it is close to Canada, etc. It is a great city. I myself worked there for almost 5 years and in all that time I never ever had any problem with crime while I was there.'
The bicycle mailman asked, 'Really? What was your job there?'
'I was tail gunner on an ice-cream truck.'
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