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Criminal Jokes

The African lie-detector is a very efficient thing. The police places a metal ring on the suspect's head, and connects it with some wires to a photocopy machine. One sheet of paper is placed in the machine, with the sentence: "It is a lie."
The policemen simply press the copy button each time they think the suspect is lying. All the suspects confess.
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Before bedtime an old lady went into her living room to find a burglar, who put into his pocket every valuable thing what he could see. Not having any kind of weapon, she raised her hand and said loudly, 'Acts 2:38', and continued quoting scripture.
The burglar froze and didn't move more. The old lady called 911 and the police hurried to the house. The burglar was still frozen where he stood.
'What did you say to this burglar?' the police asked.
'I simply said "Acts 2:38" and starting quoting scripture,' she answered.
The police chuckled and put the burglar into the police car.
'Why did you remain frozen, why did the lady's quoting scripture scare you so much?' they asked.
'Scripture?' asked the burglar, 'God, I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

This folk wanted liquor pretty much. He decided to throw a random brick through the liquor shop window, grab some bottles, and run. So he lifted a brick and threw at the window. Suddenly the brick bounced back and hit the dumb thief on the head, knocking him out. The whole action was caught on videotape. Plexiglas for sale at the same shop.
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

On a November night, an Italian businessman's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to baby Jesus. It was one of their family traditions before the Holidays.
He starts: "Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I have been a good son the whole year. I would like to get a brand new..."
He looks at the paper, then tears it into pieces. He takes out a new piece of paper from the drawer and starts again: "Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I have been a good son for most of this year, so I want a brand new..."
He again looks at it, frowns, then tears into pieces.
Then he gets the idea. He goes into his parents' room, gets the statue of the Virgin Mary, locks it in the cabinet, takes another piece of paper and starts writing: "Dear Lord Baby Jesus, if you want to see your mother again..."
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

The inmate was sentenced to death by hanging. Throughout the week the guards were very kind. But every time they asked if he wanted something special for his last week, he said he didn't want anything special. It went on like this all week.
Finally, when he stood in front of the gallows, the guard asked if he wanted a blindfold, or a cigarette.
'No,' the inmate said, 'I am sentenced to death by hanging. So let's just get over with it.'
'Well, is there anything else that I can do for you before you go?' asked the guard.
The prisoner was thinking and said, 'Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like to do is to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, without any interruptions.'
The guard nodded.
The inmate started singing, '1000 bottles of beer on the wall, 1000 bottles of beer...'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A guy went to buy an old-fashioned vinyl record. He was in the music store when he noticed that he forgot his wallet at home. Instead of collecting his wallet, he decided to steal the vinyl record. So he simply slid it into his trousers.
The old cashier spotted him of course and said, 'Hey, you there! Is that a record in your trousers?
The guy replied, 'Well, it might not be a record, however there haven't been any complaints so far.'
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Three men were found guilty in a serious industrial espionage, which lead to many deaths. They were sentenced to thirty years in solitary confinement. They were each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them for that long time. The first man asked for tons of medical books. The second man asked for his beloved wife. The third man asked for three hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the thirty years, the guards opened up the first man's cell.
He came out and said, 'I studied so hard. I am gonna be a doctor and never take part again in an industrial espionage. These long years were terrific!'
They opened up the second man's cell. He came out with his wife, and with their five children. He said, 'This was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I are so close, and we became a beautiful family. I love it, and never will ruin it with industrial espionage or any kind of crime!'
The guards opened up the third man's cell, and he was shaking, searching through his pockets, saying, 'Does anybody have a lighter???'
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A man walked into a grocery store, put a $50 bill on the counter. He asked for change. The clerk opened the cash drawer readily, when the man pulled his gun and took all the cash and fled, leaving the $50 bill on the counter.
The Criminal Law question is: The total amount of the cash robbed was only $40. If someone points a gun at you and actually gives you money, was a crime committed or not?
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A bicycle mailman was telling his colleague one day that the company wants to transfer him to Minneapolis but he was going to quit before he had to move there.
'Why?' the colleague asked.
'I am just too afraid of the crime, too new, too big city for a bicycle mailman. Even though I have to pass the bigger salary and the fringe benefits, I do not want to transfer there,' he replied.
'Kevin, reconsider that. Minneapolis has parks, lakes, museums, it is close to Canada, etc. It is a great city. I myself worked there for almost 5 years and in all that time I never ever had any problem with crime while I was there.'
The bicycle mailman asked, 'Really? What was your job there?'
'I was tail gunner on an ice-cream truck.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Examples of signs for keeping burglars out of the house:

Dear "Guest": Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have been wired to explode when touched. Let the game begin!

Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very, very careful when you go inside. The termites have eaten through most of the floor and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are.

Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. The next time you put letters into our mailbox, please keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P. S.: We left this book for you here: "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"

Thelma, don't come in! The boa cage got loose again.

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave seven pounds of meat for Brutus, five pounds only makes him angry and vicious.
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