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Criminal Jokes

Before bedtime an old lady went into her living room to find a burglar, who put into his pocket every valuable thing what he could see. Not having any kind of weapon, she raised her hand and said loudly, 'Acts 2:38', and continued quoting scripture.
The burglar froze and didn't move more. The old lady called 911 and the police hurried to the house. The burglar was still frozen where he stood.
'What did you say to this burglar?' the police asked.
'I simply said "Acts 2:38" and starting quoting scripture,' she answered.
The police chuckled and put the burglar into the police car.
'Why did you remain frozen, why did the lady's quoting scripture scare you so much?' they asked.
'Scripture?' asked the burglar, 'God, I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The inmate was sentenced to death by hanging. Throughout the week the guards were very kind. But every time they asked if he wanted something special for his last week, he said he didn't want anything special. It went on like this all week.
Finally, when he stood in front of the gallows, the guard asked if he wanted a blindfold, or a cigarette.
'No,' the inmate said, 'I am sentenced to death by hanging. So let's just get over with it.'
'Well, is there anything else that I can do for you before you go?' asked the guard.
The prisoner was thinking and said, 'Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like to do is to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, without any interruptions.'
The guard nodded.
The inmate started singing, '1000 bottles of beer on the wall, 1000 bottles of beer...'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Three men were found guilty in a serious industrial espionage, which lead to many deaths. They were sentenced to thirty years in solitary confinement. They were each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them for that long time. The first man asked for tons of medical books. The second man asked for his beloved wife. The third man asked for three hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the thirty years, the guards opened up the first man's cell.
He came out and said, 'I studied so hard. I am gonna be a doctor and never take part again in an industrial espionage. These long years were terrific!'
They opened up the second man's cell. He came out with his wife, and with their five children. He said, 'This was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I are so close, and we became a beautiful family. I love it, and never will ruin it with industrial espionage or any kind of crime!'
The guards opened up the third man's cell, and he was shaking, searching through his pockets, saying, 'Does anybody have a lighter???'
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A young couple got married. Two days later they were sipping their cocktails on a Mexican beach on their honeymoon. Three weeks later they got home, tanned and relaxed. It was time to sort out their wedding presents. In their mailbox they also found something, it was an invitation for a fancy art gallery opening.
They were very excited, this gesture was so nice. But there was no signature, so they had no clue who to thank for. Anyway, they went to the art gallery opening, and had a wonderful time there. Late at night, when they returned, they still were chatting about the secret gift sender. But soon they were shocked, the house was fully open and every valuable things had disappeared.
On the fridge they found one note: "Now you know from who!"
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

This folk wanted liquor pretty much. He decided to throw a random brick through the liquor shop window, grab some bottles, and run. So he lifted a brick and threw at the window. Suddenly the brick bounced back and hit the dumb thief on the head, knocking him out. The whole action was caught on videotape. Plexiglas for sale at the same shop.
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Three convicts were on their way to prison. A drunk, a gambler and a redneck. Each of them was allowed to take one thing to help pass the time spent in prison. On the bus they were talking.
'So, what did you bring?' asked the drunk from the gambler.
The gambler pulled out a box of cards.
'I brought these. I can play gin, poker, solitaire, and so on. And what did you bring?'
'I brought my paints, so I can paint anything during my time spent in prison. I am a creative guy.'
The redneck was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.
'What did you bring?' they asked him suspiciously.
'I brought these,' replied the redneck, pulling out a box of tampons.
'Really? What can you do with those?' asked the other two, puzzled.
'According to the box, I can go swimming, running, roller-skating, horseback-riding, ...'
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A guy went to buy an old-fashioned vinyl record. He was in the music store when he noticed that he forgot his wallet at home. Instead of collecting his wallet, he decided to steal the vinyl record. So he simply slid it into his trousers.
The old cashier spotted him of course and said, 'Hey, you there! Is that a record in your trousers?
The guy replied, 'Well, it might not be a record, however there haven't been any complaints so far.'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

On a November night, an Italian businessman's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to baby Jesus. It was one of their family traditions before the Holidays.
He starts: "Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I have been a good son the whole year. I would like to get a brand new..."
He looks at the paper, then tears it into pieces. He takes out a new piece of paper from the drawer and starts again: "Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I have been a good son for most of this year, so I want a brand new..."
He again looks at it, frowns, then tears into pieces.
Then he gets the idea. He goes into his parents' room, gets the statue of the Virgin Mary, locks it in the cabinet, takes another piece of paper and starts writing: "Dear Lord Baby Jesus, if you want to see your mother again..."
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Examples of signs for keeping burglars out of the house:

Dear "Guest": Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have been wired to explode when touched. Let the game begin!

Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very, very careful when you go inside. The termites have eaten through most of the floor and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are.

Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. The next time you put letters into our mailbox, please keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P. S.: We left this book for you here: "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"

Thelma, don't come in! The boa cage got loose again.

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave seven pounds of meat for Brutus, five pounds only makes him angry and vicious.
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In a parking lot a man attempted to siphon gas from a camper van. The policeman arrived as soon as he could. At the scene there was an ill man curled up next to the camper van near a big spill of sewage.
The man admitted to trying to siphon gas. He plugged his hose into the sewage tank of the camper van by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle said that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and declined to press charges.
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

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