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Computer Jokes

When the office printer stopped, the office manager called their supplier.
A friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. They charged $65 for such cleanings, so he advised to do the job internally as per the copy machine's manual.
'Does your boss know that you are a toxic worker who is harm to business?' asked the the office manager offended.
'I am not a toxic worker, basically it's his idea,' the employee replied, 'It is more profitable to let people try to fix the copy machines themselves first, you know.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

You are addicted to Insta if your dog has its own page. And your dog's page is actually good.
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A shy IT technician, kind of a nerd guy decided to change his life and went on a luxury cruise. He started to enjoy the trip after a few days, but one night a terrible hurricane tore apart the ship. Miraculously he survived and ended up on a deserted island.
He was desperate after spending there months. Although he found a lot of coconut palms, banana trees, and a fresh water, he stuck to the beach, waiting for his saviors to appear on the horizon.
One afternoon a beautiful woman appeared in front of him.
They were extremely happy to see each other, they talked through the whole night. She was also a survivor of the same terrible hurricane.
'We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship,' said the woman as they were watching the sunrise, 'You know what I mean, I guess... Haven't you been lonely, too? Isn't there some special thing that you really, really miss? Something that all women and men need? Something that would be really perfect to do right now...?
'Yes there is something,' replied the man, shucking off his shyness, 'I hoped for something perfect... There is something I have wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, being lonely... it was just impossible.'
'You know, it is not impossible, anymore,' whispered the woman.
The man was excited like was never before and told her with eyes wide open, 'You mean... you actually mean that there is a way to check our e-mails out here?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Three beggars were begging in the center of NYC. The first one had a broken steel cup. He wrote "beg" on it. At the end of the day he had received fifteen bucks.
The second one wrote "" on his broken steel cup. At the end of the day he had received thousands of dollars. Someone even wanted to take him to the stock exchange.
The third one wrote "eBeg" on his broken steel cup. Both HP and IBM sent management teams to talk to him about a strategic alliance, they even offered him free professional and hardware consulting. CNBC clamied that eBeg uses 90% Oracle technology, a B2B industry website offered supply chain integration in the beggar market. Moreover i2 announced begTradeMatrix, Cisco announced that virtually all eBeg traffic runs over their equipment.
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

TOP 5 IT Department Handling Tricks

No.1: When you call the IT Department to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it under half a ton of confidential documents, postcards, dog pictures, stuffed animals, and children's drawings. They do not have a life, so they find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

No.2: Do not write anything down. Ever. They can play back the error messages.

No.3: When an IT guy says he is coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when he need your password. It's nothing for them to remember 260 passwords.

No.4: When IT Department sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. They are just testing.

No.5: When an IT guy tells you that he will be there shortly, reply in a hard tone of voice, 'And how many weeks do you mean by shortly?!' That makes them more helpful.
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(So far it's 3.67 point, based on 3 ratings)

E-MAIL woman: Every ten things she says, nine are nonsense.
EXCEL woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your a few basic needs.
SERVER woman: Busy when you need her.
WINDOWS woman: Everyone knows that she cannot do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
USER woman: She messes up everything and she asks always more than she needs.
MULTIMEDIA woman: She makes terrible things look beautiful.
VIRUS woman: Also known as "wife".
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The top reasons why computers must be female:

- Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

- The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

- No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

- As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending more than half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
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There was a pilot flying a smaller private helicopter with three very important politicians on board. He was flying into Washington through terribly thick fog. He had to find a helipad in the fog, so he began circling around looking for the helipad lighting. After an hour the passengers were getting very nervous, and they used up too much fuel.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appeared and the pilot saw a high office building with one guy working alone on one floor.
The pilot flew as close as he could and shouted, 'Hey, where am I?'
'You are in a helicopter,' shouted back the guy.
The pilot executed a 196 degree turn and made a perfect blind landing on the helipad after flying four miles.
The passengers were amazed and one asked how he did it.
'It was nothing,' replied the pilot, 'I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was correct, although absolutely useless. So that must have been Microsoft's support office. From there the helipad is just four miles due East.'
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What does IBM stand for?

IBM = It's Being Mended
IBM = I've Been Mislead
IBM = It's Better Manually
IBM = I'll Buy Mac
IBM = Itty Bitty Morons
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(So far it's 4.33 point, based on 3 ratings)

I would really like to answer your e-mail, but when I try my computer says: "PRESS ANY KEY". Well, my keyboard doesn't have an "ANY" key!
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