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Computer Jokes

Do not forget this, an idiot with a computer is just a faster, better idiot.
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At the computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer.
'Let's suppose that you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software. How many of you would disembark immediately?'
Almost everybody raised his hand. Only one man sat still.
'What would you do?' asked the instructor.
'I am sure that with my team's software the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway.'
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A private jet was on it's way to a meeting, where the top politicians wanted to discuss the internet's influential power. Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were on board. The plane suddenly crashed and all on board died instantly.
Up in heaven, God sat upon a big golden throne and looked down to pass judgement on the men.
'Mr. Gore, what do you believe in?' God asked.
'I believe in fresh air and trees, in saving the environment. I did everything I could to ensure that our children would have a clean environment,' Al replied.
'Very well,' God said, 'You may enter heaven.'
'Mr. Clinton, what do you believe in?' God asked.
'I believe in serving the public, freedom of speech, and in art,' he replied.
'Very well,' God said, 'You may enter heaven, Mr. Clinton.'
'Mr. Gates,' God said, 'What do you believe in?'
Bill looked up at God, adjusted his glasses and said, 'I believe you are sitting in my chair.'
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A caller complained that his brand new desktop computer was doing nothing.
'It should do anything I wish for that high price!' he cried out.
'I see. First, please open a window to launch a specific program,' the technical support asked.
The conversation continued, but soon the caller asked if it might be okay to close the window.
'Please do not do that,' the technician asked.
'But it's getting very chilly,' replied the caller.
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Which gender to choose for computers?

They should be considered masculine because:
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. You have to turn them on in order to get their attention.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited just a little longer, you could have had a far better model.

They should be considered feminine because:
1. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.
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Q: How many computer scientists do you need to change a light bulb?
A: Zero, that is a hardware problem.
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An engineer and a programmer were sitting next to each other on a long train ride from Prague to Zagreb. The programmer turned to the engineer and asked if he would like to play a funny game. The engineer just wanted to sleep, so he politely declined and rolled his head to the other side.
The programmer didn't give up and explained that the game is really easy, and a long train ride could be exhausting without a little fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the right answer, you pay me $10. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $20,' he said.
The engineer politely declined again.
The programmer was still bored and not sleepy, so he offered, 'Ok, if you don't know the answer you pay me $10, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $200!'
This caught the engineer's attention, and he wanted to put an end on the situation, so he agreed to the game.
'What is the distance from the Earth to Mars?' asked the programmer.
The engineer didn't say a word, but pulled out $10 and handed it to the programmer. Now, it was the engineer's turn.
'What goes up a mountain with three legs, and comes down on four?'
The programmer was puzzled. He even took his laptop to find the answer, but there was no success. So, after three hours he woke the engineer and gave him $200. The engineer politely took it and turned away to sleep through this long train ride.
'Hey, what's the answer?' asked the confused programmer. Without a word, the engineer handed the programmer $10, and turned away to sleep.
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TOP 5 IT Department Handling Tricks

No.1: When you call the IT Department to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it under half a ton of confidential documents, postcards, dog pictures, stuffed animals, and children's drawings. They do not have a life, so they find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

No.2: Do not write anything down. Ever. They can play back the error messages.

No.3: When an IT guy says he is coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when he need your password. It's nothing for them to remember 260 passwords.

No.4: When IT Department sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. They are just testing.

No.5: When an IT guy tells you that he will be there shortly, reply in a hard tone of voice, 'And how many weeks do you mean by shortly?!' That makes them more helpful.
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A hardware engineer, a software engineer and their project manager were in California to work on a project. One day they decided to go for a walk on the beach during their lunch hour.
On the north end of the sandy beach they stumbled upon a lamp. Of course they rubbed it.
'I am Genius Genie,' said the genie who appeared. 'Normally I would grant you three wishes. But there are three of you. I will grant you each one wish.'
'I want to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in the woods, with no worries, surrounded by delicate women who worship me,' wished the hardware engineer.
Genius Genie snapped and sent him to his desired place.
'I want to spend the rest of my life living on a huge silver yacht cruising the Mediterranean Sea, with no worries, surrounded by beautiful models who worship me,' wished the software engineer.
Genius Genie snapped and sent him to his desired place.
Now it was the project manager's turn.
'What is your wish?' asked the genie.
The project manager replied, 'I want them both back after lunch!'
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My husband is working at a computer company. As a Christmas gift from the management the employees got silver cufflinks. One with "Ctrl" the other with "Esc" engraved on them.
I think this is an apt present for the men, reminding them of the two things they can never have.
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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