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Computer Jokes

TOP 5 IT Department Handling Tricks

No.1: When you call the IT Department to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it under half a ton of confidential documents, postcards, dog pictures, stuffed animals, and children's drawings. They do not have a life, so they find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

No.2: Do not write anything down. Ever. They can play back the error messages.

No.3: When an IT guy says he is coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when he need your password. It's nothing for them to remember 260 passwords.

No.4: When IT Department sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. They are just testing.

No.5: When an IT guy tells you that he will be there shortly, reply in a hard tone of voice, 'And how many weeks do you mean by shortly?!' That makes them more helpful.
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If I were a computer, after I messed up my life, I could simply press "Ctrl, Alt, Del" and start all over.
If I were a computer, to get my daily exercise, I could just click on "Run" button.
If I were a computer, to "Add/Remove" someone in my life, I could simply use the Control panel.
If I were a computer, to improve my appearance, I could just adjust the display settings.
If I were a computer and my life would get too noisy, I could turn off the speakers.
If I were a computer and I would loose my keys, I could click on "Find".
If I were a computer, my children would go to bed immediately after I click "Send".
If I were a computer, to feel like a new person, I would click on "Refresh".
If I were a computer, I could undo a mistake, by clicking on "Back".
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A caller complained that his brand new desktop computer was doing nothing.
'It should do anything I wish for that high price!' he cried out.
'I see. First, please open a window to launch a specific program,' the technical support asked.
The conversation continued, but soon the caller asked if it might be okay to close the window.
'Please do not do that,' the technician asked.
'But it's getting very chilly,' replied the caller.
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Deadliest computer viruses to be afraid of:

UK Parliament Virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus". Instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, however all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Bill Clinton Virus: This virus mutates from city to city and we are not exactly sure what it does.

George Bush Virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

Michael Jackson Virus: It is constantly altering its appearance, therefore hard to identify. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Elvis Virus: Your computer gets slow, chubby and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at service stations and shopping malls across rural America.

Freudian Virus: Your computer instantly becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

New World Order Virus: probably innocent, but it makes a lot of people really nutty just thinking about it.

Nike Virus: Just Does It!

Right To Life Virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to delete a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
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'Daddy, how was I born?' Timmy asked his father.
'Oh, son, one day you will find out anyway. So I will tell you. Well, your Mum and I first got together on a dating site. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum, so we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your Mum agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared: "You've Got Male!"
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Microsoft's finest technician was drafted. At the shooting range, they gave him a gun, a few basic instructions and some bullets. He fired several shots at the target, but all of the bullets missed the target.
Microsoft's finest technician looked at his gun, and then at the target. He looked at the gun, and then at the target again. Then he put his finger over the end of the gun and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off!
He yelled towards the target area, 'Here everything is fine, the problem must be at your end!'
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You are addicted to Insta if your dog has its own page. And your dog's page is actually good.
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Three beggars were begging in the center of NYC. The first one had a broken steel cup. He wrote "beg" on it. At the end of the day he had received fifteen bucks.
The second one wrote "beg.com" on his broken steel cup. At the end of the day he had received thousands of dollars. Someone even wanted to take him to the stock exchange.
The third one wrote "eBeg" on his broken steel cup. Both HP and IBM sent management teams to talk to him about a strategic alliance, they even offered him free professional and hardware consulting. CNBC clamied that eBeg uses 90% Oracle technology, a B2B industry website offered supply chain integration in the beggar market. Moreover i2 announced begTradeMatrix, Cisco announced that virtually all eBeg traffic runs over their equipment.
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A hardware engineer, a software engineer and their project manager were in California to work on a project. One day they decided to go for a walk on the beach during their lunch hour.
On the north end of the sandy beach they stumbled upon a lamp. Of course they rubbed it.
'I am Genius Genie,' said the genie who appeared. 'Normally I would grant you three wishes. But there are three of you. I will grant you each one wish.'
'I want to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in the woods, with no worries, surrounded by delicate women who worship me,' wished the hardware engineer.
Genius Genie snapped and sent him to his desired place.
'I want to spend the rest of my life living on a huge silver yacht cruising the Mediterranean Sea, with no worries, surrounded by beautiful models who worship me,' wished the software engineer.
Genius Genie snapped and sent him to his desired place.
Now it was the project manager's turn.
'What is your wish?' asked the genie.
The project manager replied, 'I want them both back after lunch!'
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A woman called the IT customer support line.
'Good afternoon, how may I help you?'
'Yes, well, I'm having some trouble with the text editor.'
'Can you please describe your situation?'
'I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
'Went away?'
'They simply disappeared.'
'Please, tell me what does your screen look like now.'
'Nothing.'
'Nothing?'
'I mean it's blank. It won't accept anything when I type.'
'Are you still in the text editor, or did you get out?'
'I don't really know...'
'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?'
'Please, what's a sea-prompt?'
'Never mind, it's okay. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?'
'There isn't any cursor. Like I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
'What's a monitor?'
'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a flat television. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
'I don't know.'
'Please then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'
'Oh, yes, I think so.'
'Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.'
'Yes, it is.'
'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?'
'No.'
'Okay, please check again. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
'Okay, I found it.'
'Follow this one, too, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
'I can't reach.'
'Uh huh. Can you see if it is?'
'No.'
'Could you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle. It's because it's dark here.'
'Dark?'
'Yes, yes. The office light is off.'
'Please turn on the office light then.'
'It is not possible.'
'No? Why not?'
'Because there's a power outage.'
'A power...? A power outage? Okay! I know the solution. Do you still have the docs and the boxes and stuff your computer came in?'
'Sure, yes, I keep them in the cabinet.'
'Cool. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back directly to the store you bought it from.'
'Really? Is it that bad?'
'Yes, indeed.'
'Well, all right then. What should I tell them?'
'Tell them the IT Customer Support confirmed that you were too stupid to own a computer.'
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