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Computer Jokes

Signs showing that you have had enough of the new millennium:

- You try to enter your password on the microwave.
- You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.
- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
- You chat several times a day with a stranger from Central Asia, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
- The concept of using cash, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is strange for you.
- You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
- Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have social media accounts.
- You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
- You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.


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A shy IT technician, kind of a nerd guy decided to change his life and went on a luxury cruise. He started to enjoy the trip after a few days, but one night a terrible hurricane tore apart the ship. Miraculously he survived and ended up on a deserted island.
He was desperate after spending there months. Although he found a lot of coconut palms, banana trees, and a fresh water, he stuck to the beach, waiting for his saviors to appear on the horizon.
One afternoon a beautiful woman appeared in front of him.
They were extremely happy to see each other, they talked through the whole night. She was also a survivor of the same terrible hurricane.
'We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship,' said the woman as they were watching the sunrise, 'You know what I mean, I guess... Haven't you been lonely, too? Isn't there some special thing that you really, really miss? Something that all women and men need? Something that would be really perfect to do right now...?
'Yes there is something,' replied the man, shucking off his shyness, 'I hoped for something perfect... There is something I have wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, being lonely... it was just impossible.'
'You know, it is not impossible, anymore,' whispered the woman.
The man was excited like was never before and told her with eyes wide open, 'You mean... you actually mean that there is a way to check our e-mails out here?'
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At the computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer.
'Let's suppose that you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software. How many of you would disembark immediately?'
Almost everybody raised his hand. Only one man sat still.
'What would you do?' asked the instructor.
'I am sure that with my team's software the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway.'
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Do not forget this, an idiot with a computer is just a faster, better idiot.
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There was a pilot flying a smaller private helicopter with three very important politicians on board. He was flying into Washington through terribly thick fog. He had to find a helipad in the fog, so he began circling around looking for the helipad lighting. After an hour the passengers were getting very nervous, and they used up too much fuel.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appeared and the pilot saw a high office building with one guy working alone on one floor.
The pilot flew as close as he could and shouted, 'Hey, where am I?'
'You are in a helicopter,' shouted back the guy.
The pilot executed a 196 degree turn and made a perfect blind landing on the helipad after flying four miles.
The passengers were amazed and one asked how he did it.
'It was nothing,' replied the pilot, 'I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was correct, although absolutely useless. So that must have been Microsoft's support office. From there the helipad is just four miles due East.'
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Q: How can you tell an extroverted programmer?
A: When he talks to you, instead of his own shoes he looks at yours.
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Which gender to choose for computers?

They should be considered masculine because:
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. You have to turn them on in order to get their attention.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited just a little longer, you could have had a far better model.

They should be considered feminine because:
1. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.
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What does IBM stand for?

IBM = It's Being Mended
IBM = I've Been Mislead
IBM = It's Better Manually
IBM = I'll Buy Mac
IBM = Itty Bitty Morons
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Bill Gates died in a plane crash. He found himself in front of God.
'Hi Bill! I am not really sure whether to send you to heaven or hell. After all, you helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows '95. So I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.'
'Oh, I see. What's the difference between them?' Bill asked.
'Visit both places briefly, it might help your decision.'
So Bill goes to hell. It's a beautiful sunny, sandy beach with palm trees, clear waters and lots of beautiful half-naked women running around.
'This is fantastic!' he told God, 'What heaven could like?'
So he is sent to heaven. It is a place high up in the clouds, with white-winged angels playing and singing.
Bill decided quickly, 'You asked if I choose heaven or hell, and I would prefer hell.'
So Bill Gates was sent back to hell. When God checked on him after a month, he found Bill in a cave, chained to the rocky wall, screaming amidst hot flames being burned and tortured by ugly demons.
'How are you, Bill?' he asked.
'This is brutal! I cannot believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, which I visited?
'Oh, Bill ... that was the screensaver...'
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An actual, cost saving Health and Safety advice from the computer company to its workers: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
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