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Computer Jokes

Bill Gates died in a plane crash. He found himself in front of God.
'Hi Bill! I am not really sure whether to send you to heaven or hell. After all, you helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows '95. So I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.'
'Oh, I see. What's the difference between them?' Bill asked.
'Visit both places briefly, it might help your decision.'
So Bill goes to hell. It's a beautiful sunny, sandy beach with palm trees, clear waters and lots of beautiful half-naked women running around.
'This is fantastic!' he told God, 'What heaven could like?'
So he is sent to heaven. It is a place high up in the clouds, with white-winged angels playing and singing.
Bill decided quickly, 'You asked if I choose heaven or hell, and I would prefer hell.'
So Bill Gates was sent back to hell. When God checked on him after a month, he found Bill in a cave, chained to the rocky wall, screaming amidst hot flames being burned and tortured by ugly demons.
'How are you, Bill?' he asked.
'This is brutal! I cannot believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, which I visited?
'Oh, Bill ... that was the screensaver...'
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Deadliest computer viruses to be afraid of:

UK Parliament Virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus". Instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, however all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Bill Clinton Virus: This virus mutates from city to city and we are not exactly sure what it does.

George Bush Virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

Michael Jackson Virus: It is constantly altering its appearance, therefore hard to identify. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Elvis Virus: Your computer gets slow, chubby and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at service stations and shopping malls across rural America.

Freudian Virus: Your computer instantly becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

New World Order Virus: probably innocent, but it makes a lot of people really nutty just thinking about it.

Nike Virus: Just Does It!

Right To Life Virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to delete a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
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Do not forget this, an idiot with a computer is just a faster, better idiot.
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State-of-the-art = Any computer you cannot afford.
Keyboard = The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse = The advanced way to generate computer errors.
System update = The thing which gives you a little free time during working hours.
Home office = The thing invented to force businessmen to work at home, during sick leave, vacation, and on business trips.
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The company's IT Support Department got a call from a user, who told that her computer was not working. She told everything about the problem and the IT guy decided to have a look.
'Thank you Sharon for calling the IT Support Department. Unplug the power cord and please come up to the 6th floor and I will fix it.'
About twenty minutes later Sharon showed up with the power cord in her hand.
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I will never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.
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A caller complained that his brand new desktop computer was doing nothing.
'It should do anything I wish for that high price!' he cried out.
'I see. First, please open a window to launch a specific program,' the technical support asked.
The conversation continued, but soon the caller asked if it might be okay to close the window.
'Please do not do that,' the technician asked.
'But it's getting very chilly,' replied the caller.
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The U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided that they need a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity during the heat of the space race in the 1960's. After massive research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1,5 million.
The pen worked as it was desired. Also, it had modest success as a novelty item here on Earth.
The Soviet Union faced with the same problem. They wanted to write in the zero gravity, too. But they used a pencil.
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87 little bugs in the code,
87 little bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again!

96 little bugs in the code.
96 little bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again!

101 little bugs in the code,
101 little bugs in the code,
...
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Signs showing that you have had enough of the new millennium:

- You try to enter your password on the microwave.
- You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.
- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
- You chat several times a day with a stranger from Central Asia, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
- The concept of using cash, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is strange for you.
- You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
- Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have social media accounts.
- You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
- You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.


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