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Car Jokes

A red sports car was racing on the freeway. A highway patrolman pulled alongside the speeding car. He was shocked when he saw that an elderly woman was behind the wheel and she was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to her, 'Pull over!'
The elderly woman yelled back, 'No! Scarf!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A woman driving in Chicago stopped her car at the red light. When the light turned green again, she stayed there. The light had changed several times but the car did not move.
The traffic policeman went to her eventually, and asked politely, 'What is the problem, lady, no colors you like?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Cover Me! I am Changing Lanes
Honk If Anything Falls Off!
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over! [Printed Upside Down]
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better!
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship
Don't Be Sexist, Cause Bitches Hate That
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying: "No Hard Feelings"
Boys, No Shirt, No Service! Girls, No Shirt, No Charge!
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Beer - it is not just for breakfast anymore.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

While driving in Iowa, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage was obviously someone who was fond of the environment friendly transport, as there was a sign attached to the back of the carriage:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Don't step on exhaust."
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her driving license. He gets it, and says, 'Lady, you should be wearing glasses.'
The lady answers, 'You know, I have contacts.'
The policeman replies, 'I do not care who you know, you are getting a ticket!'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

In a narrow alley two truck drivers were driving, and they met facing each other. They were equally stubborn, and neither of them wanted to shunt. They angrily looked at each other for long minutes. Finally, one of them picked up a newspaper and started reading.
The other truck driver politely asked, 'When you've finished the newspaper, would you please pass me?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

About three years ago the battery in my Ford had died. Unfortunately I left the lights on overnight. That morning I was in a hurry to get to work on time. I ran into the house to ask my wife to help me. I told her to get into our second car. That was a really old, elephantine car. I wanted her to push my car with that one, fast enough to start it.
'The Ford has an automatic transmission, therefore it is needed to be pushed at least 30 mph to start,' I explained to my wife.
She said fine, hopped into the car and drove off.
I sat there in the Ford, wondering what she could be doing. One minute later I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 35 mph. There I realized that I should have been a little bit clearer with my instructions.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A lady walks into a Bugatti dealership. She looks around, and after a minute she spots the perfect car. She walks over to get a closer look. As she bends to feel the quality leather upholstery, a very loud fart escapes her. Her face turns to red, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed the little accident. She hopes that a salesperson doesn't pop up right now. But as she turns back, there is one, standing next to her.
'Good morning, Madame. How can I help you today?'
Very uncomfortably she says, 'Good morning, what is the price of this lovely car?'
The salesperson answers, 'Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when I tell you the price.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Failure Of Research & Development
Found On River Dead
Ford Owner Really Dumb
For Only Retarded Drivers
Forfeit On Race Day
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road Dead
Factory Ordered Road Disaster
Factory Ordered Rebuilt Dodge
Flip Over Read Directions
Four Old Rusted Doors
Fixed On Race Day
Ford Owners Recommend Dodge
Flipped Over Russian Dunebuggy
Found On Russian Dump
For Off Road Death
Fat Old Rusted Dog
Freaking Old Rusted Dodge (Datsun)
Funky Old Road Dog
Found On Roadside's Destroyed
Fixed-up Old Repossessed Dodge
Found Old Rebuilt Dodge
Forget Out Running Dale
Found On Railroad Deserted
Found On Railroad Dead
Fools Only Read Directions
First On Repair Dolly
Favorite Of Redneck Drivers
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Found On Russian Dump
Funny Old Rebuilt Dodge

Backwards:
Dumb Retards Own Fords
Don't Ride Over Fifty
Driver Returns On Foot
Dorks Ride On Fords
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A rabbi and a priest operated a church and a synagogue on the same street. Since their daily routine was similar, they decided to buy a car together.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street. About twenty minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their brand new car. It didn't need a wash at all. So the rabbi hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.
'I am blessing it,' he replied.
The rabbi was thinking for a while, but then rushed into the synagogue, and appeared with a hacksaw. He walked over to the back of the car, then cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

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