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Car Jokes

The other day I saw a woman trying to get out of a small parking space. She bumped the car in front, then bumped the car behind her.
After a few minutes I walked there and asked if I could help somehow. Parallel parking can be a headache for many of us. But she declined my offer saying, 'Why have bumpers if you are not using them once in a while?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Brian had just received his brand new drivers license. The family gathered to celebrate, and Brian offered to take them for a ride. His father immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.
'I see you would like to change the scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,' said Brian to him.
'No, my boy, this is not the case,' replied his father, 'I am gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive just the same way you have been doing to me all these long years.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

A rabbi and a priest operated a church and a synagogue on the same street. Since their daily routine was similar, they decided to buy a car together.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street. About twenty minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their brand new car. It didn't need a wash at all. So the rabbi hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.
'I am blessing it,' he replied.
The rabbi was thinking for a while, but then rushed into the synagogue, and appeared with a hacksaw. He walked over to the back of the car, then cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

A red sports car was racing on the freeway. A highway patrolman pulled alongside the speeding car. He was shocked when he saw that an elderly woman was behind the wheel and she was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to her, 'Pull over!'
The elderly woman yelled back, 'No! Scarf!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

'Good afternoon! How long have you been driving without a tail light?' asked the policeman after pulling over a hippi barkas.
The driver jumped out, ran to the back of his car, and gave a painful, long groan. He seemed so upset that the policeman was eased up on him a bit.
'Hey, don't take it so hard. It isn't that serious.'
'It isn't? Then do you know what happened to my trailer any my surf?!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

An Englishman who had a bit too much of dark ale beer was driving home from the brewery one night. His car made the twisting motion of a snake on the road. A cop pulled him over.
'So, where have you been?' asked the cop.
'Why, I've been to the brewery of course,' replied the drunk.
'Looks like you've had too much dark ale beer there.'
'I did all right,' smiled the Englishman.
'Did you know,' said the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that two minutes ago your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank God,' sighed the drunk. 'I was scared I'd gone deaf.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Here are my favorite car bumper stickers:

1: If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
2: WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship
3: Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal!
4: Honk if you wanna see my finger!
5: So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute.
+1: Don't touch me - I am not that kind of a car!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Cover Me! I am Changing Lanes
Honk If Anything Falls Off!
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over! [Printed Upside Down]
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better!
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship
Don't Be Sexist, Cause Bitches Hate That
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying: "No Hard Feelings"
Boys, No Shirt, No Service! Girls, No Shirt, No Charge!
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Beer - it is not just for breakfast anymore.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A woman was driving too fast, so a cop pulled her over.
'Driving license and registration, please,' the cop demanded.
The woman handed the registration of the car and said, 'That is all, my driving license is already with you.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

After pulling an old farmer over for speeding, a the police officer started to lecture him about speed limits arrogantly. In the meantime he had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.
'Having some problems with circle flies?' asked the farmer.
The officer paused to take another swat and replied, 'Apparently yes, if that is what they are. I have never heard of circle flies.'
The farmer was pleased to enlighten the trooper, 'On farms, circle flies are common animals. They are called circle flies because they are circling the back end of a horse.'
The police officer stopped for a moment, then asked, 'Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?'
'Oh, officer, of course not. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that.'
'That's a good thing,' the officer replied still arrogantly.
After a short pause the farmer added, 'Hard to fool them circle flies, though.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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