Car Jokes

In a narrow alley two truck drivers were driving, and they met facing each other. They were equally stubborn, and neither of them wanted to shunt. They angrily looked at each other for long minutes. Finally, one of them picked up a newspaper and started reading.
The other truck driver politely asked, 'When you've finished the newspaper, would you please pass me?'

'Doc, I need your help! Every night I dream that I am a car. Sometimes I am a Mustang, sometimes I am a Porsche, other times I am a minivan. What does this all mean?'
The doctor replied, 'Relax, it's fine, you are just having an auto-body experience.'

The first Sunday after my wife and I bought a brand new car, we parked it in the last row of the church lot. We did not want to be flashy.
Accidentally, while talking with friends after the service, my wife hit the panic button on her electronic key. Our car's horn blared and its lights flashed immediately.
Watching my embarrassed wife pushing the buttons of the electronic key, our friend teased, 'It would have been better just to put a few words in the church bulletin, don't you think?'

A rabbi and a priest operated a church and a synagogue on the same street. Since their daily routine was similar, they decided to buy a car together.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street. About twenty minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their brand new car. It didn't need a wash at all. So the rabbi hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.
'I am blessing it,' he replied.
The rabbi was thinking for a while, but then rushed into the synagogue, and appeared with a hacksaw. He walked over to the back of the car, then cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

The other day I saw a woman trying to get out of a small parking space. She bumped the car in front, then bumped the car behind her.
After a few minutes I walked there and asked if I could help somehow. Parallel parking can be a headache for many of us. But she declined my offer saying, 'Why have bumpers if you are not using them once in a while?'

Cover Me! I am Changing Lanes
Honk If Anything Falls Off!
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over! [Printed Upside Down]
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better!
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship
Don't Be Sexist, Cause Bitches Hate That
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying: "No Hard Feelings"
Boys, No Shirt, No Service! Girls, No Shirt, No Charge!
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Beer - it is not just for breakfast anymore.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Brian had just received his brand new drivers license. The family gathered to celebrate, and Brian offered to take them for a ride. His father immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.
'I see you would like to change the scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,' said Brian to him.
'No, my boy, this is not the case,' replied his father, 'I am gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive just the same way you have been doing to me all these long years.'

An Englishman who had a bit too much of dark ale beer was driving home from the brewery one night. His car made the twisting motion of a snake on the road. A cop pulled him over.
'So, where have you been?' asked the cop.
'Why, I've been to the brewery of course,' replied the drunk.
'Looks like you've had too much dark ale beer there.'
'I did all right,' smiled the Englishman.
'Did you know,' said the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that two minutes ago your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank God,' sighed the drunk. 'I was scared I'd gone deaf.'

The American Aviation Administration had a unique device for testing the strength of windshields of planes. It was basically a cannon that launched a dead chicken at the airplane at the speed the plane flies. The theory was that if the windshield doesn't crack from the impact, it will survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The Italians were extremely interested in this who wanted to make a windshield test of a high-end sports car they were developing. So they borrowed the cannon.
They started the test, launched the chicken. It shattered the windshield, went through the seats of the high-end sports car and embedded itself in the wall behind. They were so disappointed that they asked the Americans to recheck the windshield test to see if everything was done correctly.
They rechecked the test thoroughly and made only one comment: "Defrost the chicken first."

A red sports car was racing on the freeway. A highway patrolman pulled alongside the speeding car. He was shocked when he saw that an elderly woman was behind the wheel and she was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to her, 'Pull over!'
The elderly woman yelled back, 'No! Scarf!'