Business Jokes

Guess what, nothing is ever achieved by a reasonable man!
Guess what, nothing is impossible for the manager who doesn't have to do it himself!
Guess what, we all are working in the Office Of Precision Guesswork!

CV template to not get the job:

"I'm really keen to work for you, I heard the drugs were good."
"I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, all the companies I have worked for has since closed down."
"I'll kill myself if I don't get the job."
"I know where you live."
"I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job."
"By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters."
"I'm confident that I'll get this job. The voices told me."

Q: What's the difference between socially responsible bankers and chupacabra?
A: Chupacabra has been sighted.

Q: Why bankers drive a BMW?
A: Because they can't spell Porsche.

The Economist's Valentine's Day cards

1. Let's raise housing starts together.

2. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding drop-off in consumer enthusiasm.

3. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.

4. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.

The boss called one of his employees into his office.
'Mike, you've been with the company for a year. You started in the post room, two weeks later you were promoted to a marketing position, and two short months after that you were promoted to area manager of the marketing department. Just five months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now the time has come to me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?'
'Oh, thanks!' replied the employee.
'Thanks? Is that all you can say?' asked the boss.
'I guess not, so, thank you Dad.'

In the Garden of Eden, Adam called out to God, 'My Lord, I have a problem, please help me.'
'What's the problem, Adam?' God replied.
'My Lord, I know you created me and took care of me in this beautiful garden, but I'm just not happy.'
'Why is that?' God asked.
'My Lord, I am lonely.'
'Well, in that case the "woman" is the solution, I shall create a perfect one for you.'
'What's a "woman", my Lord?'
'The woman is the most beautiful, sensitive, intelligent and caring creature. She will be so smart that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know how to make you happy. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you,' replied God, and added, 'but to get something, you have to give something. This is going to cost you, Adam. This is business, you know.'
'Are you sure that the "woman" is the solution? How much will this "woman" cost me, my Lord?'
'She'll cost you an arm, a leg, an ear, and an eye.'
Adam was silent for a while, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face.
Finally Adam asked God, 'Okay, but what can I get for a rib?'

On the last Mayday parade in the Soviet Union, there was a big march. After the troops, tanks, the planes and the missiles rolled by, there came a couple of men dressed in black.
'Are they spies?' asked Ivan.
'No, they are economists,' replied the KGB director, 'imagine the chaos they will wreak when we set them loose in the U.S.'

An elderly businessman on his deathbed called his best friend and asked, 'Luke, please promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.'
'Oh my friend, as you wish. And what should I do with your ashes?'
The businessman said, 'Just put them in an envelope big enough. Write on the envelope "Now, you have everything", and mail it to the Internal Revenue Service.'

A new, modern-looking hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established master barber's place.
They put up a big colorful sign which read:
"We Give 8$ Haircuts!"
Not to be outdone, the old barber put up his own sign as well:
"We Fix 8$ Haircuts!"

An American businessman had a visitor from the Netherlands. They were chatting at the dinner table.
'Our flag symbolizes our taxes,' the Dutch explained jokingly, 'We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.'
'That's the same with us,' replied the American, 'only we see stars, too.'