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Business Jokes

The copy machine is out of order every now and then in most offices. Instead of answering the same questions of the employees, a notice like this would do:

Yes, the photocopier is out of order,
Yes, we have called the service man,
Yes, he will be here today,
No, we don't know how long it will take,
No, we cannot fix the machine,
No, we don't know who broke it,
No, we don't know what is the root cause,
Yes, we are keeping it,
No, we don't know what you are going to do now.
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Lisa had decided to cut the household budget wherever possible. Instead of dry-cleaning, she washed her dress by hand.
Being proud of her savings, she boasted to his roommate, Jeremy, 'We are five dollars richer thanks to my idea!'
'Excellent,' Jeremy replied quickly, 'then wash it again!'
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The producer was very proud of their new model, the built-in bathroom scale. At a trade fair, they presented it to the audience.
'These unique features are outstanding. It is a built-in bathroom scale, no more storing problems, more precise than any other scales, it can measure your height as well, it reads out loud the measurement results via human-voice simulator, and that's not all...'
'Impressive, indeed,' interrupted a not-too-skinny sales representative, 'but before ordering, I would like to try it.'
The producer was happy to test the built-in bathroom scale.
No sooner had the sales representative taken her place on the scale, a loud, human-like voice exclaimed, 'One at a time, one at a time!'
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Hotel: "Help us! We need inn-experienced people."
Chiropodist: "Time wounds all heels."
Butcher: "Let me meat your expectations."
Car seller: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."
Cannibal's home: "I never met a man I didn't like."
Suburban fence: "Salesmen welcome, dog food is pricey."
Car service station: "No appointment necessary. We will hear you coming."
Car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet is missing a car payment."
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An Iraqi went to the bank to get his salary from a French company. The Saudi clerk of the bank asked him to sign on the back of the check.
'That is humiliation,' the Iraqi was outraged, 'why should I sign the check on the back, and the French sign on the front? I want my cash now!'
The Saudi refused to pay him, but the Iraqi kept shouting in the bank. Some minutes later the American manager came with a heavy-looking hammer and knocked the Iraqi on the head. After ten minutes the Iraqi woke up, signed the back of the check and got his money.
The Saudi clerk asked him, 'Why you didn't sign the check the first time?'
The Iraqi replied, 'You missed the point. You told it to me, but the American explained it.'
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People will believe everything if you whisper it.
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Restaurant: "Don't you just stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up."
Beauty saloon: "Dye now!"
Veterinary's waiting room: "Be back in 2 minutes. Stay! Sit!"
Electricity supplier: "We would be delighted if you paid your bill. If you do not, you will be."
Garbage truck: "We have got what it takes to take what you have got."
Computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
Suburban fence: "We shoot every second salesman, and the first one just left."
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CV template to not get the job:

"I'm really keen to work for you, I heard the drugs were good."
"I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, all the companies I have worked for has since closed down."
"I'll kill myself if I don't get the job."
"I know where you live."
"I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job."
"By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters."
"I'm confident that I'll get this job. The voices told me."
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Miguel comes up to the Mexican border crossing point on his bicycle. He has two large sacks over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, 'What is in the sacks?'
'Sand, amigo,' replied Miguel.
The guard says, 'Well, let me have a look. Get off the bike.' The guard takes the sacks, rips them apart, only to find there is nothing else in them but sand. He keeps Miguel overnight and has the sand analyzed, but that is pure sand. The guard releases Miguel, puts the sand into new sacks, and lets him through the Mexican border crossing point.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, 'What have you got?'
'Sand, amigo,' replies Miguel.
The guard does the investigation again, and finds pure sand again. He gives the sand back, and Miguel can cross the Mexican border on his bicycle.
For two years this sequence of events continues at the Mexican border crossing point. One day Miguel doesn't show up but the guard sees him in a small town of Mexico.
'Hey, amigo,' says the guard, 'I know you are smuggling something, and it is driving me crazy... I can't sleep! Just between us, what are you smuggling?'
Miguel looks at him and says, 'Bicycles.'
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An elderly businessman on his deathbed called his best friend and asked, 'Luke, please promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.'
'Oh my friend, as you wish. And what should I do with your ashes?'
The businessman said, 'Just put them in an envelope big enough. Write on the envelope "Now, you have everything", and mail it to the Internal Revenue Service.'
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