Business Jokes

On the last Mayday parade in the Soviet Union, there was a big march. After the troops, tanks, the planes and the missiles rolled by, there came a couple of men dressed in black.
'Are they spies?' asked Ivan.
'No, they are economists,' replied the KGB director, 'imagine the chaos they will wreak when we set them loose in the U.S.'

An electronics store ordered a small part to one of its products. It was the number 669. The factory sent part number 699 instead. The store manager was furious at the factory's incompetence. He sent back the small part along with a letter, giving them his opinion about their unprofessional processes, and incompetence. Two days later, he received the same part back. A letter was included, saying: "Turn the part over"

An elderly businessman on his deathbed called his best friend and asked, 'Luke, please promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.'
'Oh my friend, as you wish. And what should I do with your ashes?'
The businessman said, 'Just put them in an envelope big enough. Write on the envelope "Now, you have everything", and mail it to the Internal Revenue Service.'

A manager is the person who believes that nine women can produce a child in one month.

In business many are called, but few are at their desks.
You will establish yourself as an expert by making three correct guesses consecutively.
Life must be lived forwards, but can only be understood backwards.
Life would be so much easier if we could have a look at the source code.
Make dust or eat dust.
Logic can never rule what is possible or impossible.
Junk mail arrives the day it was sent, however business contracts, money or love letters arrive two weeks late.

Q: What's the difference between socially responsible bankers and chupacabra?
A: Chupacabra has been sighted.

Q: Why bankers drive a BMW?
A: Because they can't spell Porsche.

An Iraqi went to the bank to get his salary from a French company. The Saudi clerk of the bank asked him to sign on the back of the check.
'That is humiliation,' the Iraqi was outraged, 'why should I sign the check on the back, and the French sign on the front? I want my cash now!'
The Saudi refused to pay him, but the Iraqi kept shouting in the bank. Some minutes later the American manager came with a heavy-looking hammer and knocked the Iraqi on the head. After ten minutes the Iraqi woke up, signed the back of the check and got his money.
The Saudi clerk asked him, 'Why you didn't sign the check the first time?'
The Iraqi replied, 'You missed the point. You told it to me, but the American explained it.'

Walking through the supermarket, a young guy noticed an elderly lady following him around. He could ignore her for a while, but when he got to the checkout line, she got in front of him.
'Pardon me, I'm sorry if I've been staring. You know, you look just like my son who died recently,' she said.
'I am sorry for your loss,' the young man replied, 'Is there anything I can do for you?'
'Well, as I'm leaving, can you please just say: "Goodbye, mother!" It would make me feel so much better,' she replied timidly and gave him a sweet smile.
'Sure, I can,' the young guy promised.
As she gathered her bags and left, he called out, 'Goodbye, mother!'
Stepping up to the counter, the guy saw that his total amount to pay was about $150 higher than it should be.
'That amount is wrong,' he complained, 'I only have a few groceries!'
'Oh, your mother has just said that you would pay for her,' explained the cashier.

By the time you can make ends meet, they have moved the ends.
By the time you find the right answers, no one is asking you the questions.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
By working conscientiously 8 hours a day, you may end up working 12 hours a day.
Capitalism is based on the belief that you can win.
Clearly given instructions will definitely produce multiple interpretations.
Yes, commit suicide. That many lemmings cannot be wrong.
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you that you have too much money.

Do not try to have the last word on your meeting, you might get it!