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Business Jokes

Hotel: "Help us! We need inn-experienced people."
Chiropodist: "Time wounds all heels."
Butcher: "Let me meat your expectations."
Car seller: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."
Cannibal's home: "I never met a man I didn't like."
Suburban fence: "Salesmen welcome, dog food is pricey."
Car service station: "No appointment necessary. We will hear you coming."
Car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet is missing a car payment."
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

On Monday morning the new business manager walked into his office. He sat in his new chair and settled into his new desk. As he opened the bottom drawer, he found four white envelopes.
They all had a number written on them.
He opened the first white envelope. There was a letter inside from his predecessor: "These other three white envelopes will save you in hard times. In case of emergency, open these envelopes in sequential order."
The business manager shrugged, put the envelopes back, and totally forgot about them.
One year later, the employees went on a strike. The company was loosing money fast, they had to close down the factory.
After a long night of negotiating with the union, he remembered the white envelopes.
He opened the first one: "Blame me, your predecessor for everything!" said the letter inside.
Indeed, it worked. The crisis came to its end. His job was saved, and everybody was happy.
Some months later, another strike hit. He went directly to the drawer and opened the second white envelope: "Blame the government for everything!"
It worked. His job was saved once again.
Two months later the workers declared another strike. Again. The manager went to open the third white envelope. The letter inside said: "Prepare four new white envelopes."
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Funny Business Signs:

In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a Boston medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a Chicago convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine's Day cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A counterfeiter decided to get rid of his phony bill of $24. He wanted to unload it in some rural town, so he drove until the first one, which had only one small grocery store. He entered, and handed the phony bill to the cashier.
'Could you please change this for me?'
The cashier looked at the bill then smiled at the man, 'Sure, would you prefer two $12 bills or four $6 bills?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Mr. Rolls was handed a huge sheet of paper after having purchased an award winning horse.
'What's this?' he asked.
'The pedigree of the award winning horse, which you have just bought,' was the answer.
'Nah, take it back, take it back, when you sell the next horse it will be handy.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A super rich investor walked into his bank and said to the director, 'I would like to speak with Mr. Tobias McClunsky, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours.'
The director answered, 'Yes he absolutely was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 4 ratings)

The Unites States Mint reissued two-dollar bills. I thought they may become collectors' items in the future someday. So, I went to the bank and picked up a hundred, serially numbered bills, still in their original band.
On my next family visit, I gave the serially numbered bills to my father and asked, 'Take good care of these, they may be worthy someday.'
Half year later I asked Dad if he was keeping the two-dollar bills safe.
He replied, 'Oh, sure, yes! I deposited them in the bank!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Funny sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."

Funny sign in a Swedish cocktail bar: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

Funny sign in the window of a Norwegian furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."

Funny sign in an Italian laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

Funny sign in a Swiss mountain restaurant: "Today's specialty: no ice cream."
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
Anything that begins fine will end badly. The converse of this law is not true.
In every hierarchy, each person tends to rise to the level of his or her incompetence.
Whoever has any authority over you, will attempt to use it.
Do not let any mechanical object realize that you are in a hurry. On your way, all the tools will strike your toes and knees.
Technology is dominated by two types of people. Those who manage what they do not understand, and those who understand what they do not manage.
Adding manpower to an innovative technology project only makes a delay.
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

On the last Mayday parade in the Soviet Union, there was a big march. After the troops, tanks, the planes and the missiles rolled by, there came a couple of men dressed in black.
'Are they spies?' asked Ivan.
'No, they are economists,' replied the KGB director, 'imagine the chaos they will wreak when we set them loose in the U.S.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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