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Business Jokes

On the last Mayday parade in the Soviet Union, there was a big march. After the troops, tanks, the planes and the missiles rolled by, there came a couple of men dressed in black.
'Are they spies?' asked Ivan.
'No, they are economists,' replied the KGB director, 'imagine the chaos they will wreak when we set them loose in the U.S.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

On Monday morning the new business manager walked into his office. He sat in his new chair and settled into his new desk. As he opened the bottom drawer, he found four white envelopes.
They all had a number written on them.
He opened the first white envelope. There was a letter inside from his predecessor: "These other three white envelopes will save you in hard times. In case of emergency, open these envelopes in sequential order."
The business manager shrugged, put the envelopes back, and totally forgot about them.
One year later, the employees went on a strike. The company was loosing money fast, they had to close down the factory.
After a long night of negotiating with the union, he remembered the white envelopes.
He opened the first one: "Blame me, your predecessor for everything!" said the letter inside.
Indeed, it worked. The crisis came to its end. His job was saved, and everybody was happy.
Some months later, another strike hit. He went directly to the drawer and opened the second white envelope: "Blame the government for everything!"
It worked. His job was saved once again.
Two months later the workers declared another strike. Again. The manager went to open the third white envelope. The letter inside said: "Prepare four new white envelopes."
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

An elderly blacksmith realized that he would have to quit working so hard. Looking at all the nice things he forged in fire, he decided to train an apprentice. He chose a young, muscular man. The blacksmith was grumpy and not so patient, so he instructed, "Do not ask me silly questions! To create beautiful tools forged in fire, you have to do whatever I tell you." One day the elderly blacksmith took an iron out of the fire, put it on the anvil, and said, "Get the hammer, and when I nod my head, hit it really really hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

If everything seems to go right, and you are well-prepared to your meeting, check your zipper, and if everything seems to be fine, you obviously do not know what the hell is going on.
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(So far it's 3 point, based on 2 ratings)

When a new competitor appeared and opened up next door, the manager of the general store was rather scared. That new store was much like his own. Moreover, this competitor made a huge sign which read: "LOWEST PRICES".
He was terrified when two days later another general store opened up on his right. And this competitor made an even larger sign which read: "BEST DEALS".
The store owner panicked. Then he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop which read: "MAIN ENTERANCE".
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A man called the church office and asked, 'Could I speak to the head swine at the trough?'
The secretary was deeply offended and on cold voice she answered, 'If you mean the priest, then you may refer to him as priest and you may certainly not refer to him as the "head swine at the trough"!'
The man said, 'Actually I was planning on donating $25,000 to your church, but...'
'Hold on sir,' the secretary replied quickly, 'the big fat pig just plodded in.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

The manager board's team building was held in the Pyrenees, climbing and hiking on the weekend. After long hours they got hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map again for some minutes, turned it up and down, looked around, consulted with his compass, and finally the sun.
He took a long breath and said, 'Okay, can you see that big peek over there?'
'Yes, we can!' answered the others with hope.
'Well, we are standing on that now.'
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

Lisa had decided to cut the household budget wherever possible. Instead of dry-cleaning, she washed her dress by hand.
Being proud of her savings, she boasted to his roommate, Jeremy, 'We are five dollars richer thanks to my idea!'
'Excellent,' Jeremy replied quickly, 'then wash it again!'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Three stressed out entrepreneur are talking in the medical waiting room.
The first says, 'I have got real problems. I am only fifty years old, but every morning I get up at 6:00 and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They gave me all kinds of medicine but nothing helped.'
The second says, 'Man, I have bigger problems. I am fifty-five years old. Every morning I get up 6:00 and try to move my bowels. All day long I try. They gave me all kinds of stuff but nothing helped.'
The third stressed out entrepreneur says, 'I don't really think you know what a problem is! I am only sixty years old. Every morning at 6:00 I urinate and I move my bowels. But I only wake up at 7:00.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Hotel: "Help us! We need inn-experienced people."
Chiropodist: "Time wounds all heels."
Butcher: "Let me meat your expectations."
Car seller: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."
Cannibal's home: "I never met a man I didn't like."
Suburban fence: "Salesmen welcome, dog food is pricey."
Car service station: "No appointment necessary. We will hear you coming."
Car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet is missing a car payment."
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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