Best Jokes (Joke Toplist)

The U. S. Government decided to collect data on what people say right before they get into a car accident.
89% of the people in 49 states said: "Oh, shit!"
In Texas 94% said: "Hold my beer. Watch this."

An artist asked the exhibition room's owner if there had been any interest in his sculptures on display at that time.
'Sean, I have good news and bad news,' the owner started. 'The good news is that a lady inquired about your work and wondered if your sculptures on display would have higher value after your death. When I told her they would, she bought all 20 of your sculptures.'
'That is just amazing!' the artist exclaimed. 'Then what's the bad news?'
'Well, this lady I was talking about was your doctor.'

Sam walked into a bar and found his friend Terry sitting at the counter.
'Terry, I'm happy to see that your wife finally let you out of the house,' said Sam.
'Things are different now with my wife,' Terry answered, 'the other day I decided to show her who was the boss.'
'How did you do that?' Sam asked.
'I said to her: "Sharon, right now I am going to show you who the boss is in this marriage!" And I don't want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees.'
'Wow, how did you do that?'
'I was hiding under the bed.'

My neighbor asked me on his grill party why I was such a dedicated republican.
'My father and grandfather were republicans. I am carrying on the family tradition of being a dedicated republican.'
'Is that your reason?' said my angry neighbor, 'What if your father and grandfather had been chicken thieves?'
'Then I'd be a democrat like you, I guess.'

Q: Why is Russia a very fast country?
A: Because there the people are always Russian.

A married couple was trying to live a snobbish lifestyle. They went to a party, where they joined a conversation. The topic turned to Bach.
'Absolutely genius, magnificent, gorgeous!' they said.
The woman wanted to add something, so remarked casually, 'Oh, the brilliant Bach! You are so right. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 11 bus going to Coney Island.'
There was a sudden hush, everyone looked at her. Her husband went pale.
'We're leaving right now. Get your bag and let's get out of here,' he said as he pulled her out.
On their way home, he kept muttering to himself.
Eventually his wife turned to him, 'Why are you so angry?'
'Oh, honey, I've never been so embarrassed in my whole life! You saw the brilliant Bach take the No. 11 bus to Coney Island? Really? Don't you know the No. 11 bus does not go out to Coney Island?

Q: How does a person get stoned drunk?
A: Drink wet cement.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When sign makers go on strike, what kind of picket signs they have?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter. Nobody listens.

An Iraqi went to the bank to get his salary from a French company. The Saudi clerk of the bank asked him to sign on the back of the check.
'That is humiliation,' the Iraqi was outraged, 'why should I sign the check on the back, and the French sign on the front? I want my cash now!'
The Saudi refused to pay him, but the Iraqi kept shouting in the bank. Some minutes later the American manager came with a heavy-looking hammer and knocked the Iraqi on the head. After ten minutes the Iraqi woke up, signed the back of the check and got his money.
The Saudi clerk asked him, 'Why you didn't sign the check the first time?'
The Iraqi replied, 'You missed the point. You told it to me, but the American explained it.'

A retiring farmer wanted to sell his land. He had to get rid of his farm animals. So he visited everyone in the village. He gave a horse to those families where the man was the boss, and he gave a chicken to the families where the woman was the boss. In the middle of one street he found a couple outside, gardening.
'Hey! Who is the boss around here?' he asked.
'I am the boss,' said the man.
'I have a beautiful white mare horse and a sturdy black stallion to give away,' said the farmer. 'Which one would you like?'
The man was fascinated by the sturdy black stallion, he pointed and said, 'I would like that one.'
'No, no, Jimmy, get the white one,' the wife horned in.
'Here is your chicken,' said the farmer.