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Bar Jokes

One day a guy walks into a pub with a small paper box. He sits down, opens the box and a leprechaun pops out of it. The guy tells the bartender, "Give me a dark beer and a shot of whiskey for my little buddy here."
An other guest at the counter watches all of this. After the leprechaun drinks his whiskey, he runs down to the end of the counter and spits in the guest's face. Then he runs back.
The guy with the box says, "I want an other dark beer and a shot of whiskey for my little buddy here."
After the leprechaun drinks his whiskey, he runs down to the end of the counter and spits in the guest's face. Then he runs back.
The guy with the box says, "I want an other dark beer and a shot of whiskey for my little buddy here."
And again, after the leprechaun drinks his whiskey, he runs down to the end of the counter. But this time the guest is waiting for him, he grabs the leprechaun and holds him up in the air.
He says, "I will cut your tiny little pecker off, if you spit in my face again!"
The leprechaun laughs and replies, "We do not have peckers, this is a leprechaun fact."
Then the man argues, "If this is a leprechaun fact, then how do you pee, ha'?"
"By spitting," says the leprechaun.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A hippie walked into a grill bar and ordered a cheeseburger.
'But make sure to make it not too rare, not too well done, but just in the groove,' he added.
The waiter was a little annoyed at this, but served him the cheeseburger.
'Waiter! Could I get a cup of latte? Not too milky, not too strong, but just in the groove.'
The waiter was upset, but served the hippie.
'Waiter! Could I get some ice cream? Not too vanilla, not too chocolate, but just in the groove.'
'Wait, I have another idea,' said the waiter. 'How about you kiss my bottom? Not too much to the left, not too much to the right, but just in the groove?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

What he says: You will get this one, next round is on me.
What he means: We won't be here long enough to get another round.

What he says: I will get this one, next round is on you.
What he means: Happy hour is about to end.

What he says: I'm out of here, I have to work early in the morning.
What he means: I owe that guy who just walked in $200 and have been avoiding him since football season.

What he says: What do you have on tap?
What he means: What is cheap?
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Two construction workers went into the pub after working hours. They were drinking their third beer, when an elegant man walked in and ordered a milkshake. The two workers began to speculate about what could be his job.
'I am sure he is a salesman,' said the first.
'I think he is a broker,' argued the second.
The first decided to go and ask directly.
'Excuse me sir, but we are arguing about what can be the job of a man who is so elegant.
The man smiled and replied, 'I am a logical scientist.'
'What again?' asked the worker.
'I will explain,' the man continued, 'do you have a goldfish at home?'
A bit confused, construction worker answered, 'Yes, I do have.'
'Well, then it is logical to assume that you keep it in a bowl or maybe in a pond. Which is it?'
'A pond,' he replied.
'Well then it is logical to assume that you have a large garden.'
The builder nodded.
'This means it is logical to assume that you have a large house.'
'Sure, I built it with my own hands, five bedroom, three baths,' said the worker proudly.
'Well, then it is logical to assume that you are married.'
The builder nodded again, 'Yes, and we have four children.'
'Then it is logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life.'
'Four nights and two mornings a week!' he boasted.
'Therefore it is logical to assume you do not masturbate often.'
'Never, I can tell.'
'Do you see? That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I have discovered the size of your garden, house, family and even your sex life!'
The construction worker thanked, left, he was very impressed by this man's talents.
The other asked, 'Could you find out what he does?'
'Yes! He is a logical scientist.'
'What, again?'
'Let me explain,' started the first worker, 'do you have a goldfish at home?'
'No, I don't have,' replied the second.
'Well, you're a wanker then!'
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A drunk was sitting at the counter in a bar. A woman stood behind him, and to get the bartender's attention, she raised her arm really high. The drunk saw that she had very hairy armpits.
He yelled to the bartender, 'Get the ballerina a drink!'
The woman got her drink and went back to her table. Later, she returned and raised again her arm. She definitely had hairy armpits.
The drunk saw her and yelled again to the bartender, 'Get the ballerina another drink!'
She got her drink and went back to her table again.
The bartender asked the drunk, 'How do you know she is a ballerina? She is a stranger and has never been here before.'
The drunk replied, 'She's got to be a ballerina, if she can lift her leg that high!'
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Problem: Drinking does not give satisfaction and taste, your beer is unusually clear and pale.
Fault: Your glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you beer.

Problem: Drinking does not give satisfaction and taste, plus the front of your T-shirt is wet.
Fault: Your mouth is not not open or glass applied to wrong part of face while drinking.
Solution: Practice in front of the mirror. Drink as many as needed to improve your drinking technique.

Problem: Your feet are wet and cold.
Fault: You hold your glass at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass other way up. Open end should point towards the ceiling.

Problem: Your feet are wet and warm.
Fault: Bladder control not working.
Solution: Go next to nearest dog. After a minute complain to the owner about its lack of house training. If you are good at it, you can demand a beer as compensation.

Problem: The floor is blurred.
Fault: You are looking at the floor through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy beer.

Problem: The floor is moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are taken to another pub. If not, shout that you are being kidnapped.

Problem: Opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strips across it.
Fault: You have fallen over, and you are lying on your back.
Solution: If no one is standing on your drinking arm and your glass is full, just stay there. If not, get someone to help you get up and buy you beer.

Problem: Everything has gone dark.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic!
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

The local bar was so sure that their bartender was the strongest man around that they organised a competition. The bartender would squeeze an orange until all the juice ran into a cup, and hand the orange to a competitor. Anyone who could squeeze one more orange juice drop out, would win $1000. Many people had tried over time. Even lumberjacks, longshoremen and weightlifters, but nobody could defeat him.
One day a skinny short man came into the bar, wearing black glasses and a grey suit. He said on his tiny, low voice, 'I will try myself.'
After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed an orange and squeezed. Then he handed the remains to the skinny man. The crowd's laughter transformed into total silence. The skinny man tried himself and four orange juice drops fell into the cup. The bartender payed the $1000.
'What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack or what?' he was wondering.
The skinny man replied, 'I work for the IRS.'
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'Two Martinis, bitte,' said the man.
'Dry?' the barman asked.
'Nein, I said two!' replied the man.
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Q: What is the difference between a wife and a tequila?
A: You can have more than one tequila without feeling guilty.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

There was this happy, bouncing llama that jumped into the bar and asked the bartender, 'Hey, got any grass hay?'
The bartender said, 'No! This is a bar, here we do not sell grass hay.'
The llama bounced out.
He jumped in the next day and asked, 'Hey, got any grass hay?'
The bartender replied, 'No, I tell you again, this is a bar and we don't sell grass hay!'
The llama bounced out.
The happy bouncing llama came the next day again.
'Hey, got any grass hay?'
'No, and if you come back here once more I am gonna hang you to die here!' yelled the angry bartender.
The happy bouncing llama said, 'Ok,' then left.
The next day the llama appeared again, stopped at the door and asked, 'Hey, got any ropes?'
The bartender replied, 'No!'
He bounced in, saying, 'Great! Then, got any grass hay?'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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