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Bar Jokes

An apparently drunk fellow goes into a bar through the front door and orders a drink. The bartender says, 'No way, you are too drunk.'
Five minutes later the drunk comes in through the restroom, again he mumbles, 'Give me a drink, please.'
The bartender says again, 'No buddy, I've already told you. You are too drunk.'
Ten minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink again. The bartender says, 'Hey, you are too drunk!'
The drunk scratches his forehead and says, 'Damn I must be then. At the last two bars they said the same.'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 4.67 point, based on 3 ratings)

Q: What is the world's shortest blues song?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A woman was sitting in the pub enjoying a bottle of premium dry red wine with her girlfriends. Suddenly the pub's door opened, and an exceptionally masculine, tall, sexy, bearded guy walked in. He was so striking that all the pub's women turned towards him. The young man noticed the woman's attentive stare and walked directly to their table.
Before she could apologize for being rude and staring, the sexy, bearded guy looked in her eyes and said, 'I will do anything what you want me to do so, my lady, no matter how kinky, for $150. I have only one condition.'
Surprised, the woman asked what the condition would be.
'You have only three words to tell me,' replied the sexy, bearded guy with a smile.
The woman got the $150 from her purse, counted into the guy's outstretched hand, and meaningfully said: "Clean my house."
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes by and asks if he's doing okay. The drunk replies asking, "Do you know who I am?"

The stranger says, "No. Who are you?"

The drunk proudly proclaims, "I'm Jesus Christ." He continues, "And I can prove it! Come with me!"

They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells, "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?"
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 4.33 point, based on 3 ratings)

Three strings walk into a bar. They sit down and realize after a few minutes they aren't being waited on. The first string walks up to the bar and asks for three beers. The bartender responds, "I'm sorry buddy we don't serve strings in here." The string, taken aback, walks back to the table and and tells his buddies what the bartender said.

"I've been here before and gotten a drink, I'll go get us something," said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender replies, "I thought I told your buddy we don't serve strings in here." So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened.

The third string says, "Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order a drink." The third string walks into the bathroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end. Then, he walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender gives him a weird look and says, "You a string?" "Frayed knot," he replies.
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(So far it's 4.33 point, based on 3 ratings)

There was this happy, bouncing llama that jumped into the bar and asked the bartender, 'Hey, got any grass hay?'
The bartender said, 'No! This is a bar, here we do not sell grass hay.'
The llama bounced out.
He jumped in the next day and asked, 'Hey, got any grass hay?'
The bartender replied, 'No, I tell you again, this is a bar and we don't sell grass hay!'
The llama bounced out.
The happy bouncing llama came the next day again.
'Hey, got any grass hay?'
'No, and if you come back here once more I am gonna hang you to die here!' yelled the angry bartender.
The happy bouncing llama said, 'Ok,' then left.
The next day the llama appeared again, stopped at the door and asked, 'Hey, got any ropes?'
The bartender replied, 'No!'
He bounced in, saying, 'Great! Then, got any grass hay?'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A hot babe went into a bar and ordered a Sex on the beach cocktail. She noticed a handsome dude at the end of the counter with an outstanding feature.
'Hello, big guy,' she said, batting her eyelashes.
'Good evening, beautiful,' he said stepping closer to her.
'I couldn't help but notice what big feet you have,' she continued as a look of wonderment spread across her face.
'You know what that means...,' he whispered.
'Yes, trouble for the ants,' she replied.
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A dude entered into an Irish pub and says, 'Bartender, quickly! Pour me 15 shots of your best Irish whiskey!'
And the bartender poured him 15 shots of his best Irish whiskey and watched the dude swallowing one after the other.
'Oh, man,' the bartender said, 'I have never seen anybody drinking whiskey shots so fast!'
'You would also drink them so fast if you have what I have,' the dude replied.
'For heaven's sake,' said the bartender, 'what do you have?'
'50 pennies.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Bobby and his friends from university are out at the local bar. Finally, after too many rounds plus one, Bobby leans over and pukes all over himself.
'Mhaaan, my hooney ish going to killl me! Messy and smelly me,' he blurted.
His friend blurts back, 'Noo problemo, puut 10$ bill in ya pocket, and tell that soomeone else puuked on you. An' gave ya 10$ to dry-cleaninnng.'
'Ooh, that's evil.'
When Bobby goes home, his girlfriend starts screaming, 'You go out with your little friends from university and come back all puked over yourself! Look how disgusting you are! You're a stinky mess!
Bobby opens his mouth, 'Ssome guy, puked all overrr meeh! Even, he gave 10$ to clean it... it dry!'
His girlfriend replies on a cold voice, 'Oh really? Then how come that's a 20$?!'
Bobby proudly replies, 'He... uh... um... um... so... also sshit in my pants!'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

'Two Martinis, bitte,' said the man.
'Dry?' the barman asked.
'Nein, I said two!' replied the man.
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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