Bar Jokes

One day a guy walks into a pub with a small paper box. He sits down, opens the box and a leprechaun pops out of it. The guy tells the bartender, "Give me a dark beer and a shot of whiskey for my little buddy here."
An other guest at the counter watches all of this. After the leprechaun drinks his whiskey, he runs down to the end of the counter and spits in the guest's face. Then he runs back.
The guy with the box says, "I want an other dark beer and a shot of whiskey for my little buddy here."
After the leprechaun drinks his whiskey, he runs down to the end of the counter and spits in the guest's face. Then he runs back.
The guy with the box says, "I want an other dark beer and a shot of whiskey for my little buddy here."
And again, after the leprechaun drinks his whiskey, he runs down to the end of the counter. But this time the guest is waiting for him, he grabs the leprechaun and holds him up in the air.
He says, "I will cut your tiny little pecker off, if you spit in my face again!"
The leprechaun laughs and replies, "We do not have peckers, this is a leprechaun fact."
Then the man argues, "If this is a leprechaun fact, then how do you pee, ha'?"
"By spitting," says the leprechaun.

Problem: Drinking does not give satisfaction and taste, your beer is unusually clear and pale.
Fault: Your glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you beer.

Problem: Drinking does not give satisfaction and taste, plus the front of your T-shirt is wet.
Fault: Your mouth is not not open or glass applied to wrong part of face while drinking.
Solution: Practice in front of the mirror. Drink as many as needed to improve your drinking technique.

Problem: Your feet are wet and cold.
Fault: You hold your glass at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass other way up. Open end should point towards the ceiling.

Problem: Your feet are wet and warm.
Fault: Bladder control not working.
Solution: Go next to nearest dog. After a minute complain to the owner about its lack of house training. If you are good at it, you can demand a beer as compensation.

Problem: The floor is blurred.
Fault: You are looking at the floor through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy beer.

Problem: The floor is moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are taken to another pub. If not, shout that you are being kidnapped.

Problem: Opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strips across it.
Fault: You have fallen over, and you are lying on your back.
Solution: If no one is standing on your drinking arm and your glass is full, just stay there. If not, get someone to help you get up and buy you beer.

Problem: Everything has gone dark.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic!

I walked into a pub the other day and ordered a double.
Without any words, the bartender brought me a girl who looked just like me.

A bunch of guys were on their way to a house party, but couldn't remember the exact address.
'I am sure this is the house,' said one of them and added, 'I have got to go to the bathroom so bad. I will knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!'
So he got out and walked to the front door. He knocked, but there was no answer. He knocked again, but still no answer.
'Hm, this is a big house, maybe the party is outside, at the back, in the garden,' he thought.
So he walked around but there was no one out there either. He tried the back door. For his surprise it was unlocked.
There was obviously no one at home, so he decided to use the bathroom quickly, no one would ever know. So, he went inside, but instead of a bathroom he only found a room with an amazing, huge golden toilet. He was amazed by it, he quickly did his business and walked out.
As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the huge golden toilet. They laughed in disbelief at this crazy fairytale. They continued their way arguing about it.
After the house party, on the way home, they decided to check the story. They stopped at the house, they all walked up to the front door and ring the door bell.
A woman opened the door.
'Good evening, excuse us, but could you please let me show my friends your huge golden toilet? They do not believe how amazing it is!'
'So you are the guy,' commented the woman and yelled to her husband in the house, 'Honey! Here is the guy who pooped in your tuba!'

A man enters the pub. He is obviously drunk, he hardly can stand. Somehow seats himself on a stool, and orders a premium apricot palinka. The bartender politely explains the man that apparently he has already had plenty of palinkas, he could not be served, but he will call a taxi. The drunk shows a surprised face, stands up, murmurs something, climbs down of the stool, and leaves.
A few minutes later, the same drunk man stumbles in, now entering the side door of the pub. He mounts up to a stool, and orders again a premium apricot palinka. The bartender comes over, and still politely, but refuses serving someone who is drunk that much, but he still can call a taxi for him. The drunk looks at the bartender angrily. Now he is cursing while he is staggering out.
Some more minutes later, he bursts through the back door of the bar. He sits on the stool, and orders a premium apricot palinka, gathering all his energy. The bartender again comes over, but reminds him, he is not allowed to serve a person who is clearly drunk, he can only order a taxi to take him home.
The drunk man now is hopeless and surprised at the same time, so exclaims, 'Oh man! For God's sake, how many bars do you work at?'

'Two Martinis, bitte,' said the man.
'Dry?' the barman asked.
'Nein, I said two!' replied the man.

Two fat chaps walked into the bar.
'Your round,' said the first one.
'So are you,' replied the second.

What he says: You will get this one, next round is on me.
What he means: We won't be here long enough to get another round.

What he says: I will get this one, next round is on you.
What he means: Happy hour is about to end.

What he says: I'm out of here, I have to work early in the morning.
What he means: I owe that guy who just walked in $200 and have been avoiding him since football season.

What he says: What do you have on tap?
What he means: What is cheap?

A hippie walked into a grill bar and ordered a cheeseburger.
'But make sure to make it not too rare, not too well done, but just in the groove,' he added.
The waiter was a little annoyed at this, but served him the cheeseburger.
'Waiter! Could I get a cup of latte? Not too milky, not too strong, but just in the groove.'
The waiter was upset, but served the hippie.
'Waiter! Could I get some ice cream? Not too vanilla, not too chocolate, but just in the groove.'
'Wait, I have another idea,' said the waiter. 'How about you kiss my bottom? Not too much to the left, not too much to the right, but just in the groove?'

A stocky man walks into a bar with a quite big piece of asphalt in his hands and says, 'Two drinks please, one for me and one for the road.'