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Bar Jokes

In Sweden, a drunk guy decides to go fishing. He packs up his stuff and goes to find an ice fishing spot. He starts sawing the hole in the ice, but a voice says, 'Under the ice you will not find fish!'
He looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The booming voice repeats, 'Under the ice you will not find fish!'
The drunk looks up, thinks he found a good ice fishing spot, but asks, 'Is that you, God? Are you trying to warn me?'
The voice replies, 'No, I am the manager of the ice rink.'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A pirate walked into a pub where the bartender greeted him, 'Hello, I haven't seen you for ages. What happened, you look terrible!'
'Terrible? Why? I'm fine.'
'Fine? What about that wooden leg?'
'Oh, we fought in a sea battle and a cannon ball hit my leg. The doctor fixed me up, and I'm fine, really.'
'Oh I see. But what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
Oh, we fought in a sea battle again, I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off. The doctor fixed me up, and I 'm fine now, really.'
'Okay, but what about that eye patch?'
'Oh, one day some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one crazy seagull crapped in my eye.'
'No way, you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap.'
'Honestly, I wasn't used to the hook yet.'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A man enters the pub. He is obviously drunk, he hardly can stand. Somehow seats himself on a stool, and orders a premium apricot palinka. The bartender politely explains the man that apparently he has already had plenty of palinkas, he could not be served, but he will call a taxi. The drunk shows a surprised face, stands up, murmurs something, climbs down of the stool, and leaves.
A few minutes later, the same drunk man stumbles in, now entering the side door of the pub. He mounts up to a stool, and orders again a premium apricot palinka. The bartender comes over, and still politely, but refuses serving someone who is drunk that much, but he still can call a taxi for him. The drunk looks at the bartender angrily. Now he is cursing while he is staggering out.
Some more minutes later, he bursts through the back door of the bar. He sits on the stool, and orders a premium apricot palinka, gathering all his energy. The bartender again comes over, but reminds him, he is not allowed to serve a person who is clearly drunk, he can only order a taxi to take him home.
The drunk man now is hopeless and surprised at the same time, so exclaims, 'Oh man! For God's sake, how many bars do you work at?'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

I walked into a pub the other day and ordered a double.
Without any words, the bartender brought me a girl who looked just like me.
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A woman was sitting in the pub enjoying a bottle of premium dry red wine with her girlfriends. Suddenly the pub's door opened, and an exceptionally masculine, tall, sexy, bearded guy walked in. He was so striking that all the pub's women turned towards him. The young man noticed the woman's attentive stare and walked directly to their table.
Before she could apologize for being rude and staring, the sexy, bearded guy looked in her eyes and said, 'I will do anything what you want me to do so, my lady, no matter how kinky, for $150. I have only one condition.'
Surprised, the woman asked what the condition would be.
'You have only three words to tell me,' replied the sexy, bearded guy with a smile.
The woman got the $150 from her purse, counted into the guy's outstretched hand, and meaningfully said: "Clean my house."
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

One day, four friends entered a hidden striptease bar. One of them wanted to impress the other three, so he pulled out a £20 banknote from his pocket. The dancer walked over to them, and the one friend licked the £20 and stuck it on her butt.
The other friend pulled out a £50 banknote. He called back the dancer of the hidden striptease bar, licked the £50, and also stuck it on her butt.
The next friend pulled out £70 from his pocket. He called the dancer back over, licked the bills, and also stuck them.
Now the fourth friend was in focus. He pulled out his wallet, thought for a few seconds..., then pulled out his bank card, swiped it down on the dancer, grabbed the £140, and headed for the door.
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

A man stopped at his favorite hidden downtown bar after a hard week's work to relax a bit. He noticed that the man next to him looked into the inner pocket of his jacket after drinking his beer and a shot. He found strange that this happened at least five times in a row.
The man was too curious, so he couldn't resist and asked, 'Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, please tell me, why on earth do you look into your inner pocket every time after you drink your beer and shot?'
The man replied, 'You know, there's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking good, I stand up and go home!'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

When are you drunk as a skunk?

1. Royal Vodka stock is up since Saturday, thanks to you.
2. You spent your Monday in jail for cow-tipping.
3. For the money, which is missing from your account, you could have easily bought a car.
4. Your friends stood at a safe distance when you blew out your birthday candles, and they even had fire extinguishers.
5. The security asks for your I. D. card just to see how long it takes you to find it in your pockets.
6. Dry cleaner employees greet you, 'Hey, it's VomitMan!'
7. You are sober enough now to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan. Not a personal challenge.
8. Your friends call you on Monday morning to make sure you returned the sheep.
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A brain walks into a bar and says, 'I'll take a pint of beer.'
The bartender looks at him for a second and responds, 'Sorry, I can't serve you.'
'But, why not?' asks the brain.
To which the bartender replies, 'You're already out of your head.'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A drunk was sitting at the counter in a bar. A woman stood behind him, and to get the bartender's attention, she raised her arm really high. The drunk saw that she had very hairy armpits.
He yelled to the bartender, 'Get the ballerina a drink!'
The woman got her drink and went back to her table. Later, she returned and raised again her arm. She definitely had hairy armpits.
The drunk saw her and yelled again to the bartender, 'Get the ballerina another drink!'
She got her drink and went back to her table again.
The bartender asked the drunk, 'How do you know she is a ballerina? She is a stranger and has never been here before.'
The drunk replied, 'She's got to be a ballerina, if she can lift her leg that high!'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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