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Bar Jokes

One chilly evening in Scotland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some beers.
'Dirk, can you see that man at the counter? He looks just like me! It's crazy! I have to talk to him!'
So, he went over to the man at the counter and tapped him on the shoulder.
'Excuse me sir, but I noticed you look just like me!'
The man turned and said, 'Yes, I noticed the same thing! Where are you from?'
'I am from Edinburgh.'
'Me too! Where do you live?'
'Captain's drive.'
'Me too! What number is it?'
'74!'
'No way! Me too! What are your parents names?'
'Lesley and Emily.'
The man at the counter was blown away, 'Mine too! I cannot believe this!'
So, they bought some more beers and they were chatting along, when the bartenders changed shifts.
The new bartender asked the other bartender, 'What's new today?'
'Nothing much. The MacDonald twins are drunk again.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A man and his son go into a pub. The son is a miracle, as he is only a head. The man buys two tequila shots. He takes one shot and gives the other one to his son. The son drinks it all, then suddenly an arm pops out.
The man is surprised, "Wow, this looks fine."
So he asks the bartender for two more tequila shots. He drinks, and also his son, and again, another arm pops out.
The man in his excitement asks for a double tequila shot and gives it to his son. The son drinks it, but suddenly he explodes.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "Apparently your son should have quit while he was ahead."
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Two construction workers went into the pub after working hours. They were drinking their third beer, when an elegant man walked in and ordered a milkshake. The two workers began to speculate about what could be his job.
'I am sure he is a salesman,' said the first.
'I think he is a broker,' argued the second.
The first decided to go and ask directly.
'Excuse me sir, but we are arguing about what can be the job of a man who is so elegant.
The man smiled and replied, 'I am a logical scientist.'
'What again?' asked the worker.
'I will explain,' the man continued, 'do you have a goldfish at home?'
A bit confused, construction worker answered, 'Yes, I do have.'
'Well, then it is logical to assume that you keep it in a bowl or maybe in a pond. Which is it?'
'A pond,' he replied.
'Well then it is logical to assume that you have a large garden.'
The builder nodded.
'This means it is logical to assume that you have a large house.'
'Sure, I built it with my own hands, five bedroom, three baths,' said the worker proudly.
'Well, then it is logical to assume that you are married.'
The builder nodded again, 'Yes, and we have four children.'
'Then it is logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life.'
'Four nights and two mornings a week!' he boasted.
'Therefore it is logical to assume you do not masturbate often.'
'Never, I can tell.'
'Do you see? That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I have discovered the size of your garden, house, family and even your sex life!'
The construction worker thanked, left, he was very impressed by this man's talents.
The other asked, 'Could you find out what he does?'
'Yes! He is a logical scientist.'
'What, again?'
'Let me explain,' started the first worker, 'do you have a goldfish at home?'
'No, I don't have,' replied the second.
'Well, you're a wanker then!'
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A guy goes into a bar, sits down, and orders a Jager bomb train of seven shots. The barmaid finds it awkward, but anyway, serves him spectacularly.
The guy drinks, all of them. He finishes and calls to the barmaid, 'A jager bomb train of six, please!'
The barmaid serves him spectacularly again. The guy drinks again, all of them. Then he burps loudly, try to stay stable on the stool, and orders a jager bomb train of five. And one after the other, he drinks again, bearing the odd looks at him.
'Uhm, four shotsss, my dear lady!' he yells, and the barmaid places four glasses in front of him. He drinks again, all of them. And with dizziness in his head, he orders a Jager bomb train of three. After he just sits there, staring at the glasses for a moment, trying not to fall down from the stool, he murmurs, 'You know, it'sh a tricky thing, but, the less I drink, the drunker I get...'
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In Sweden, a drunk guy decides to go fishing. He packs up his stuff and goes to find an ice fishing spot. He starts sawing the hole in the ice, but a voice says, 'Under the ice you will not find fish!'
He looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The booming voice repeats, 'Under the ice you will not find fish!'
The drunk looks up, thinks he found a good ice fishing spot, but asks, 'Is that you, God? Are you trying to warn me?'
The voice replies, 'No, I am the manager of the ice rink.'
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One day a guy walks into a pub with a small paper box. He sits down, opens the box and a leprechaun pops out of it. The guy tells the bartender, "Give me a dark beer and a shot of whiskey for my little buddy here."
An other guest at the counter watches all of this. After the leprechaun drinks his whiskey, he runs down to the end of the counter and spits in the guest's face. Then he runs back.
The guy with the box says, "I want an other dark beer and a shot of whiskey for my little buddy here."
After the leprechaun drinks his whiskey, he runs down to the end of the counter and spits in the guest's face. Then he runs back.
The guy with the box says, "I want an other dark beer and a shot of whiskey for my little buddy here."
And again, after the leprechaun drinks his whiskey, he runs down to the end of the counter. But this time the guest is waiting for him, he grabs the leprechaun and holds him up in the air.
He says, "I will cut your tiny little pecker off, if you spit in my face again!"
The leprechaun laughs and replies, "We do not have peckers, this is a leprechaun fact."
Then the man argues, "If this is a leprechaun fact, then how do you pee, ha'?"
"By spitting," says the leprechaun.
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Q: How does a person get stoned drunk?
A: Drink wet cement.
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There was this happy, bouncing llama that jumped into the bar and asked the bartender, 'Hey, got any grass hay?'
The bartender said, 'No! This is a bar, here we do not sell grass hay.'
The llama bounced out.
He jumped in the next day and asked, 'Hey, got any grass hay?'
The bartender replied, 'No, I tell you again, this is a bar and we don't sell grass hay!'
The llama bounced out.
The happy bouncing llama came the next day again.
'Hey, got any grass hay?'
'No, and if you come back here once more I am gonna hang you to die here!' yelled the angry bartender.
The happy bouncing llama said, 'Ok,' then left.
The next day the llama appeared again, stopped at the door and asked, 'Hey, got any ropes?'
The bartender replied, 'No!'
He bounced in, saying, 'Great! Then, got any grass hay?'
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The ship of two nitwits sank. They could get into the lifeboat in the last minute. After floating for a week, they ran out of water and food.
Three days later they spotted a small thing floating towards them. It was an old oil lamp. They grabbed the lamp, and to try their luck, they and rubbed it.
A tired old genie came out, who said, 'Okay, so you freed me from this old oil lamp. I have been doing this 3-wishes stuff for centuries, I am burned out. I will grant you only one wish. Think about it and make it a good one.'
The first guy asked without a second of thinking, 'Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!'
'Okay,' replied the genie, and he turned the entire ocean to beer, and disappeared with the old oil lamp.
'Your mouth again, bumpkin,' said the second guy, slapping the first, 'Tell me now, where are we going to pee?'
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Charles Dickens entered the bar and ordered a martini.
The bartender asked, 'Olive or twist?'
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