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Bar Jokes

One day a guy walks into a pub with a small paper box. He sits down, opens the box and a leprechaun pops out of it. The guy tells the bartender, "Give me a dark beer and a shot of whiskey for my little buddy here."
An other guest at the counter watches all of this. After the leprechaun drinks his whiskey, he runs down to the end of the counter and spits in the guest's face. Then he runs back.
The guy with the box says, "I want an other dark beer and a shot of whiskey for my little buddy here."
After the leprechaun drinks his whiskey, he runs down to the end of the counter and spits in the guest's face. Then he runs back.
The guy with the box says, "I want an other dark beer and a shot of whiskey for my little buddy here."
And again, after the leprechaun drinks his whiskey, he runs down to the end of the counter. But this time the guest is waiting for him, he grabs the leprechaun and holds him up in the air.
He says, "I will cut your tiny little pecker off, if you spit in my face again!"
The leprechaun laughs and replies, "We do not have peckers, this is a leprechaun fact."
Then the man argues, "If this is a leprechaun fact, then how do you pee, ha'?"
"By spitting," says the leprechaun.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The local bar was so sure that their bartender was the strongest man around that they organised a competition. The bartender would squeeze an orange until all the juice ran into a cup, and hand the orange to a competitor. Anyone who could squeeze one more orange juice drop out, would win $1000. Many people had tried over time. Even lumberjacks, longshoremen and weightlifters, but nobody could defeat him.
One day a skinny short man came into the bar, wearing black glasses and a grey suit. He said on his tiny, low voice, 'I will try myself.'
After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed an orange and squeezed. Then he handed the remains to the skinny man. The crowd's laughter transformed into total silence. The skinny man tried himself and four orange juice drops fell into the cup. The bartender payed the $1000.
'What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack or what?' he was wondering.
The skinny man replied, 'I work for the IRS.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A man walked into the best British pub of the city. The bartender hurried amicably to help him at the counter, because he had no arms. He wanted to taste the most popular beer of the pub. After he got the drink, asked the bartender if he would put the the glass to the mouth since he was armless. As this was the best British pub, he obliged and helped him until the last drop of beer. Then the bartender was asked to pull out his guest's napkin to clean his lips. As this was the best British pub, the bartender obliged. After this, he was asked to get the money from the wallet of his guest's hip-pocket. As this was the best British pub, he obliged, and commented, "It seems extremely problematic having no arms, you have to ask somebody to help you with all the things."
The man replied, "Yes, it is embarrassing sometimes. By the way, could you tell me where the toilet is?" The bartender answered at once, "The closest restroom is at the shopping mall, next street."
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A drunk was sitting at the counter in a bar. A woman stood behind him, and to get the bartender's attention, she raised her arm really high. The drunk saw that she had very hairy armpits.
He yelled to the bartender, 'Get the ballerina a drink!'
The woman got her drink and went back to her table. Later, she returned and raised again her arm. She definitely had hairy armpits.
The drunk saw her and yelled again to the bartender, 'Get the ballerina another drink!'
She got her drink and went back to her table again.
The bartender asked the drunk, 'How do you know she is a ballerina? She is a stranger and has never been here before.'
The drunk replied, 'She's got to be a ballerina, if she can lift her leg that high!'
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An Indian walks into the bar. He has a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He says , 'Me want beer!'
The bartender replies, 'Sure Bold Bull, here you are.'
The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, throws the bucket into the air, shoots it, then he walks out. A week later the Indian returns. He has a shotgun in one hand and a new bucket of manure in the other hand.
He says to the bartender, 'Me want beer!'
The bartender says, 'Hey, Bold Bull, we are still cleaning up your dirt from your last visit. Anyway, what was that all about?'
The Indian replies, 'Me in training for job as government employee. Drink beer, shoot shit, then no show up for a week.'
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A man enters the pub. He is obviously drunk, he hardly can stand. Somehow seats himself on a stool, and orders a premium apricot palinka. The bartender politely explains the man that apparently he has already had plenty of palinkas, he could not be served, but he will call a taxi. The drunk shows a surprised face, stands up, murmurs something, climbs down of the stool, and leaves.
A few minutes later, the same drunk man stumbles in, now entering the side door of the pub. He mounts up to a stool, and orders again a premium apricot palinka. The bartender comes over, and still politely, but refuses serving someone who is drunk that much, but he still can call a taxi for him. The drunk looks at the bartender angrily. Now he is cursing while he is staggering out.
Some more minutes later, he bursts through the back door of the bar. He sits on the stool, and orders a premium apricot palinka, gathering all his energy. The bartender again comes over, but reminds him, he is not allowed to serve a person who is clearly drunk, he can only order a taxi to take him home.
The drunk man now is hopeless and surprised at the same time, so exclaims, 'Oh man! For God's sake, how many bars do you work at?'
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The ship of two nitwits sank. They could get into the lifeboat in the last minute. After floating for a week, they ran out of water and food.
Three days later they spotted a small thing floating towards them. It was an old oil lamp. They grabbed the lamp, and to try their luck, they and rubbed it.
A tired old genie came out, who said, 'Okay, so you freed me from this old oil lamp. I have been doing this 3-wishes stuff for centuries, I am burned out. I will grant you only one wish. Think about it and make it a good one.'
The first guy asked without a second of thinking, 'Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!'
'Okay,' replied the genie, and he turned the entire ocean to beer, and disappeared with the old oil lamp.
'Your mouth again, bumpkin,' said the second guy, slapping the first, 'Tell me now, where are we going to pee?'
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Ken and his cousin, 'Donkey' goes to a Tiki bar to drink some cocktails. Ken pays the first round, so he orders from the mixer, "A Blue Curacao for me and another one for Donkey."
They drink their round then Ken says, "Okay, Donkey your your turn, I'll drink a Swimming Pool."
Donkey orders, "Two Swi-swi-swi-swimming Po-po-pool co-coktails, ple-please."
While Donkey gets them, Ken goes to the restroom. The mixer says to Donkey, "Hey man, you should not let him call you that offensive name."
He replies, "I know... He aw... he aww... he awww..., he always calls me 'Donkey'."
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

'Two Martinis, bitte,' said the man.
'Dry?' the barman asked.
'Nein, I said two!' replied the man.
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Problem: Drinking does not give satisfaction and taste, your beer is unusually clear and pale.
Fault: Your glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you beer.

Problem: Drinking does not give satisfaction and taste, plus the front of your T-shirt is wet.
Fault: Your mouth is not not open or glass applied to wrong part of face while drinking.
Solution: Practice in front of the mirror. Drink as many as needed to improve your drinking technique.

Problem: Your feet are wet and cold.
Fault: You hold your glass at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass other way up. Open end should point towards the ceiling.

Problem: Your feet are wet and warm.
Fault: Bladder control not working.
Solution: Go next to nearest dog. After a minute complain to the owner about its lack of house training. If you are good at it, you can demand a beer as compensation.

Problem: The floor is blurred.
Fault: You are looking at the floor through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy beer.

Problem: The floor is moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are taken to another pub. If not, shout that you are being kidnapped.

Problem: Opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strips across it.
Fault: You have fallen over, and you are lying on your back.
Solution: If no one is standing on your drinking arm and your glass is full, just stay there. If not, get someone to help you get up and buy you beer.

Problem: Everything has gone dark.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic!
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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