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Bar Jokes

Ken and his cousin, 'Donkey' goes to a Tiki bar to drink some cocktails. Ken pays the first round, so he orders from the mixer, "A Blue Curacao for me and another one for Donkey."
They drink their round then Ken says, "Okay, Donkey your your turn, I'll drink a Swimming Pool."
Donkey orders, "Two Swi-swi-swi-swimming Po-po-pool co-coktails, ple-please."
While Donkey gets them, Ken goes to the restroom. The mixer says to Donkey, "Hey man, you should not let him call you that offensive name."
He replies, "I know... He aw... he aww... he awww..., he always calls me 'Donkey'."
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

What he says: You will get this one, next round is on me.
What he means: We won't be here long enough to get another round.

What he says: I will get this one, next round is on you.
What he means: Happy hour is about to end.

What he says: I'm out of here, I have to work early in the morning.
What he means: I owe that guy who just walked in $200 and have been avoiding him since football season.

What he says: What do you have on tap?
What he means: What is cheap?
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A brain walks into a bar and says, 'I'll take a pint of beer.'
The bartender looks at him for a second and responds, 'Sorry, I can't serve you.'
'But, why not?' asks the brain.
To which the bartender replies, 'You're already out of your head.'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Problem: Drinking does not give satisfaction and taste, your beer is unusually clear and pale.
Fault: Your glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you beer.

Problem: Drinking does not give satisfaction and taste, plus the front of your T-shirt is wet.
Fault: Your mouth is not not open or glass applied to wrong part of face while drinking.
Solution: Practice in front of the mirror. Drink as many as needed to improve your drinking technique.

Problem: Your feet are wet and cold.
Fault: You hold your glass at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass other way up. Open end should point towards the ceiling.

Problem: Your feet are wet and warm.
Fault: Bladder control not working.
Solution: Go next to nearest dog. After a minute complain to the owner about its lack of house training. If you are good at it, you can demand a beer as compensation.

Problem: The floor is blurred.
Fault: You are looking at the floor through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy beer.

Problem: The floor is moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are taken to another pub. If not, shout that you are being kidnapped.

Problem: Opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strips across it.
Fault: You have fallen over, and you are lying on your back.
Solution: If no one is standing on your drinking arm and your glass is full, just stay there. If not, get someone to help you get up and buy you beer.

Problem: Everything has gone dark.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic!
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A man enters the pub. He is obviously drunk, he hardly can stand. Somehow seats himself on a stool, and orders a premium apricot palinka. The bartender politely explains the man that apparently he has already had plenty of palinkas, he could not be served, but he will call a taxi. The drunk shows a surprised face, stands up, murmurs something, climbs down of the stool, and leaves.
A few minutes later, the same drunk man stumbles in, now entering the side door of the pub. He mounts up to a stool, and orders again a premium apricot palinka. The bartender comes over, and still politely, but refuses serving someone who is drunk that much, but he still can call a taxi for him. The drunk looks at the bartender angrily. Now he is cursing while he is staggering out.
Some more minutes later, he bursts through the back door of the bar. He sits on the stool, and orders a premium apricot palinka, gathering all his energy. The bartender again comes over, but reminds him, he is not allowed to serve a person who is clearly drunk, he can only order a taxi to take him home.
The drunk man now is hopeless and surprised at the same time, so exclaims, 'Oh man! For God's sake, how many bars do you work at?'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Charlie spent his Friday night out at the local pub. Jones, the bartender and owner of the pub offered him another beer, when Charlie just asked, 'Jones, you like betting, don't you? I bet you £1000 that I can piss into a shot glass at the end of your pub without spilling a drop.'
Jones thought to himself, 'This guy is an idiot, I will win his money.'
So Jones walked down to the other end of the pub, and put down the shot glass. He walked back behind Charlie, 'Let's start!' he shouted.
Charlie unzipped himself, and started to piss all over the whole place. Jones roared with laughter. After, he noticed that Charlie was smiling. 'What on earth are you smiling at, you just lost £1000.'
'Well Jones, can you see that man writing out a check?'
'Yeah, what about him?'
'Actually, I just bet him £5000 that I could piss all over your bar and not only wouldn't you be mad, you would laugh crazily about it.'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

There was this happy, bouncing llama that jumped into the bar and asked the bartender, 'Hey, got any grass hay?'
The bartender said, 'No! This is a bar, here we do not sell grass hay.'
The llama bounced out.
He jumped in the next day and asked, 'Hey, got any grass hay?'
The bartender replied, 'No, I tell you again, this is a bar and we don't sell grass hay!'
The llama bounced out.
The happy bouncing llama came the next day again.
'Hey, got any grass hay?'
'No, and if you come back here once more I am gonna hang you to die here!' yelled the angry bartender.
The happy bouncing llama said, 'Ok,' then left.
The next day the llama appeared again, stopped at the door and asked, 'Hey, got any ropes?'
The bartender replied, 'No!'
He bounced in, saying, 'Great! Then, got any grass hay?'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A guy goes into a bar, sits down, and orders a Jager bomb train of seven shots. The barmaid finds it awkward, but anyway, serves him spectacularly.
The guy drinks, all of them. He finishes and calls to the barmaid, 'A jager bomb train of six, please!'
The barmaid serves him spectacularly again. The guy drinks again, all of them. Then he burps loudly, try to stay stable on the stool, and orders a jager bomb train of five. And one after the other, he drinks again, bearing the odd looks at him.
'Uhm, four shotsss, my dear lady!' he yells, and the barmaid places four glasses in front of him. He drinks again, all of them. And with dizziness in his head, he orders a Jager bomb train of three. After he just sits there, staring at the glasses for a moment, trying not to fall down from the stool, he murmurs, 'You know, it'sh a tricky thing, but, the less I drink, the drunker I get...'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes by and asks if he's doing okay. The drunk replies asking, "Do you know who I am?"

The stranger says, "No. Who are you?"

The drunk proudly proclaims, "I'm Jesus Christ." He continues, "And I can prove it! Come with me!"

They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells, "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?"
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 4 point, based on 2 ratings)

Two road constructors were sitting in a bar after work. They watched the news on the TV, which showed a guy on a high office building who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
'I bet bet you $30 he will jump,' said the first worker.
'I bet you $30 he will not, he cannot be dumb as a rock,' said the second.
Then, the guy on the TV threw himself off the building. The second guy handed over the $30.
'I just can't take your money,' said the first worker. 'I cheated, this same story was on the six o'clock news.'
'No, just take it,' said the second. 'I also saw the six o'clock news. I just didn't think the guy was dumb to jump again!'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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