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Bar Jokes

Two construction workers went into the pub after working hours. They were drinking their third beer, when an elegant man walked in and ordered a milkshake. The two workers began to speculate about what could be his job.
'I am sure he is a salesman,' said the first.
'I think he is a broker,' argued the second.
The first decided to go and ask directly.
'Excuse me sir, but we are arguing about what can be the job of a man who is so elegant.
The man smiled and replied, 'I am a logical scientist.'
'What again?' asked the worker.
'I will explain,' the man continued, 'do you have a goldfish at home?'
A bit confused, construction worker answered, 'Yes, I do have.'
'Well, then it is logical to assume that you keep it in a bowl or maybe in a pond. Which is it?'
'A pond,' he replied.
'Well then it is logical to assume that you have a large garden.'
The builder nodded.
'This means it is logical to assume that you have a large house.'
'Sure, I built it with my own hands, five bedroom, three baths,' said the worker proudly.
'Well, then it is logical to assume that you are married.'
The builder nodded again, 'Yes, and we have four children.'
'Then it is logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life.'
'Four nights and two mornings a week!' he boasted.
'Therefore it is logical to assume you do not masturbate often.'
'Never, I can tell.'
'Do you see? That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I have discovered the size of your garden, house, family and even your sex life!'
The construction worker thanked, left, he was very impressed by this man's talents.
The other asked, 'Could you find out what he does?'
'Yes! He is a logical scientist.'
'What, again?'
'Let me explain,' started the first worker, 'do you have a goldfish at home?'
'No, I don't have,' replied the second.
'Well, you're a wanker then!'
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What he says: You will get this one, next round is on me.
What he means: We won't be here long enough to get another round.

What he says: I will get this one, next round is on you.
What he means: Happy hour is about to end.

What he says: I'm out of here, I have to work early in the morning.
What he means: I owe that guy who just walked in $200 and have been avoiding him since football season.

What he says: What do you have on tap?
What he means: What is cheap?
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Two fat chaps walked into the bar.
'Your round,' said the first one.
'So are you,' replied the second.
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'Two Martinis, bitte,' said the man.
'Dry?' the barman asked.
'Nein, I said two!' replied the man.
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The ship of two nitwits sank. They could get into the lifeboat in the last minute. After floating for a week, they ran out of water and food.
Three days later they spotted a small thing floating towards them. It was an old oil lamp. They grabbed the lamp, and to try their luck, they and rubbed it.
A tired old genie came out, who said, 'Okay, so you freed me from this old oil lamp. I have been doing this 3-wishes stuff for centuries, I am burned out. I will grant you only one wish. Think about it and make it a good one.'
The first guy asked without a second of thinking, 'Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!'
'Okay,' replied the genie, and he turned the entire ocean to beer, and disappeared with the old oil lamp.
'Your mouth again, bumpkin,' said the second guy, slapping the first, 'Tell me now, where are we going to pee?'
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An apparently drunk fellow goes into a bar through the front door and orders a drink. The bartender says, 'No way, you are too drunk.'
Five minutes later the drunk comes in through the restroom, again he mumbles, 'Give me a drink, please.'
The bartender says again, 'No buddy, I've already told you. You are too drunk.'
Ten minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink again. The bartender says, 'Hey, you are too drunk!'
The drunk scratches his forehead and says, 'Damn I must be then. At the last two bars they said the same.'
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Charles Dickens entered the bar and ordered a martini.
The bartender asked, 'Olive or twist?'
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There was an international conference of beer producers in LA. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of the companies decided to have a drink in the bar of the hotel. The president of Miller ordered a Miller Genuine Draft, the Budweiser president ordered a dark Budweiser, the president of Heineken ordered a 0,33l Heineken, and so on. Then the waiter asked Arthur Guinness what he had wanted to drink.
'I will have a coke,' he replied for everyone's surprise.
'Why didn't you want a Guinness?' asked the other beer producers.
'Meh, if you didn't order beer, than neither will I.'
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Q: How does a person get stoned drunk?
A: Drink wet cement.
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A dude entered into an Irish pub and says, 'Bartender, quickly! Pour me 15 shots of your best Irish whiskey!'
And the bartender poured him 15 shots of his best Irish whiskey and watched the dude swallowing one after the other.
'Oh, man,' the bartender said, 'I have never seen anybody drinking whiskey shots so fast!'
'You would also drink them so fast if you have what I have,' the dude replied.
'For heaven's sake,' said the bartender, 'what do you have?'
'50 pennies.'
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