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Bar Jokes

One chilly evening in Scotland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some beers.
'Dirk, can you see that man at the counter? He looks just like me! It's crazy! I have to talk to him!'
So, he went over to the man at the counter and tapped him on the shoulder.
'Excuse me sir, but I noticed you look just like me!'
The man turned and said, 'Yes, I noticed the same thing! Where are you from?'
'I am from Edinburgh.'
'Me too! Where do you live?'
'Captain's drive.'
'Me too! What number is it?'
'74!'
'No way! Me too! What are your parents names?'
'Lesley and Emily.'
The man at the counter was blown away, 'Mine too! I cannot believe this!'
So, they bought some more beers and they were chatting along, when the bartenders changed shifts.
The new bartender asked the other bartender, 'What's new today?'
'Nothing much. The MacDonald twins are drunk again.'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 3 point, based on 3 ratings)

Problem: Drinking does not give satisfaction and taste, your beer is unusually clear and pale.
Fault: Your glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you beer.

Problem: Drinking does not give satisfaction and taste, plus the front of your T-shirt is wet.
Fault: Your mouth is not not open or glass applied to wrong part of face while drinking.
Solution: Practice in front of the mirror. Drink as many as needed to improve your drinking technique.

Problem: Your feet are wet and cold.
Fault: You hold your glass at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass other way up. Open end should point towards the ceiling.

Problem: Your feet are wet and warm.
Fault: Bladder control not working.
Solution: Go next to nearest dog. After a minute complain to the owner about its lack of house training. If you are good at it, you can demand a beer as compensation.

Problem: The floor is blurred.
Fault: You are looking at the floor through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy beer.

Problem: The floor is moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are taken to another pub. If not, shout that you are being kidnapped.

Problem: Opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strips across it.
Fault: You have fallen over, and you are lying on your back.
Solution: If no one is standing on your drinking arm and your glass is full, just stay there. If not, get someone to help you get up and buy you beer.

Problem: Everything has gone dark.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic!
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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  : Best
(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

There was an international conference of beer producers in LA. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of the companies decided to have a drink in the bar of the hotel. The president of Miller ordered a Miller Genuine Draft, the Budweiser president ordered a dark Budweiser, the president of Heineken ordered a 0,33l Heineken, and so on. Then the waiter asked Arthur Guinness what he had wanted to drink.
'I will have a coke,' he replied for everyone's surprise.
'Why didn't you want a Guinness?' asked the other beer producers.
'Meh, if you didn't order beer, than neither will I.'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Bobby and his friends from university are out at the local bar. Finally, after too many rounds plus one, Bobby leans over and pukes all over himself.
'Mhaaan, my hooney ish going to killl me! Messy and smelly me,' he blurted.
His friend blurts back, 'Noo problemo, puut 10$ bill in ya pocket, and tell that soomeone else puuked on you. An' gave ya 10$ to dry-cleaninnng.'
'Ooh, that's evil.'
When Bobby goes home, his girlfriend starts screaming, 'You go out with your little friends from university and come back all puked over yourself! Look how disgusting you are! You're a stinky mess!
Bobby opens his mouth, 'Ssome guy, puked all overrr meeh! Even, he gave 10$ to clean it... it dry!'
His girlfriend replies on a cold voice, 'Oh really? Then how come that's a 20$?!'
Bobby proudly replies, 'He... uh... um... um... so... also sshit in my pants!'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A dude entered into an Irish pub and says, 'Bartender, quickly! Pour me 15 shots of your best Irish whiskey!'
And the bartender poured him 15 shots of his best Irish whiskey and watched the dude swallowing one after the other.
'Oh, man,' the bartender said, 'I have never seen anybody drinking whiskey shots so fast!'
'You would also drink them so fast if you have what I have,' the dude replied.
'For heaven's sake,' said the bartender, 'what do you have?'
'50 pennies.'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A young man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
'Hey, great tie!' comes out of nowhere. He looks at the bartender to see if he said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar, the man just ignores it.
'Hey! Fantastic shirt!' The guy looks up but, again, the bartender is engaged elsewhere.
'Hey! Spectacular suit!' The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
'It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts.'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Three strings walk into a bar. They sit down and realize after a few minutes they aren't being waited on. The first string walks up to the bar and asks for three beers. The bartender responds, "I'm sorry buddy we don't serve strings in here." The string, taken aback, walks back to the table and and tells his buddies what the bartender said.

"I've been here before and gotten a drink, I'll go get us something," said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender replies, "I thought I told your buddy we don't serve strings in here." So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened.

The third string says, "Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order a drink." The third string walks into the bathroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end. Then, he walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender gives him a weird look and says, "You a string?" "Frayed knot," he replies.
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 4.33 point, based on 3 ratings)

Ken and his cousin, 'Donkey' goes to a Tiki bar to drink some cocktails. Ken pays the first round, so he orders from the mixer, "A Blue Curacao for me and another one for Donkey."
They drink their round then Ken says, "Okay, Donkey your your turn, I'll drink a Swimming Pool."
Donkey orders, "Two Swi-swi-swi-swimming Po-po-pool co-coktails, ple-please."
While Donkey gets them, Ken goes to the restroom. The mixer says to Donkey, "Hey man, you should not let him call you that offensive name."
He replies, "I know... He aw... he aww... he awww..., he always calls me 'Donkey'."
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

There was this happy, bouncing llama that jumped into the bar and asked the bartender, 'Hey, got any grass hay?'
The bartender said, 'No! This is a bar, here we do not sell grass hay.'
The llama bounced out.
He jumped in the next day and asked, 'Hey, got any grass hay?'
The bartender replied, 'No, I tell you again, this is a bar and we don't sell grass hay!'
The llama bounced out.
The happy bouncing llama came the next day again.
'Hey, got any grass hay?'
'No, and if you come back here once more I am gonna hang you to die here!' yelled the angry bartender.
The happy bouncing llama said, 'Ok,' then left.
The next day the llama appeared again, stopped at the door and asked, 'Hey, got any ropes?'
The bartender replied, 'No!'
He bounced in, saying, 'Great! Then, got any grass hay?'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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  : Best
(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Two construction workers went into the pub after working hours. They were drinking their third beer, when an elegant man walked in and ordered a milkshake. The two workers began to speculate about what could be his job.
'I am sure he is a salesman,' said the first.
'I think he is a broker,' argued the second.
The first decided to go and ask directly.
'Excuse me sir, but we are arguing about what can be the job of a man who is so elegant.
The man smiled and replied, 'I am a logical scientist.'
'What again?' asked the worker.
'I will explain,' the man continued, 'do you have a goldfish at home?'
A bit confused, construction worker answered, 'Yes, I do have.'
'Well, then it is logical to assume that you keep it in a bowl or maybe in a pond. Which is it?'
'A pond,' he replied.
'Well then it is logical to assume that you have a large garden.'
The builder nodded.
'This means it is logical to assume that you have a large house.'
'Sure, I built it with my own hands, five bedroom, three baths,' said the worker proudly.
'Well, then it is logical to assume that you are married.'
The builder nodded again, 'Yes, and we have four children.'
'Then it is logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life.'
'Four nights and two mornings a week!' he boasted.
'Therefore it is logical to assume you do not masturbate often.'
'Never, I can tell.'
'Do you see? That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I have discovered the size of your garden, house, family and even your sex life!'
The construction worker thanked, left, he was very impressed by this man's talents.
The other asked, 'Could you find out what he does?'
'Yes! He is a logical scientist.'
'What, again?'
'Let me explain,' started the first worker, 'do you have a goldfish at home?'
'No, I don't have,' replied the second.
'Well, you're a wanker then!'
What is your opinion of this joke? Rate it!
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  : Best
(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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