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Bar Jokes

A bunch of guys were on their way to a house party, but couldn't remember the exact address.
'I am sure this is the house,' said one of them and added, 'I have got to go to the bathroom so bad. I will knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!'
So he got out and walked to the front door. He knocked, but there was no answer. He knocked again, but still no answer.
'Hm, this is a big house, maybe the party is outside, at the back, in the garden,' he thought.
So he walked around but there was no one out there either. He tried the back door. For his surprise it was unlocked.
There was obviously no one at home, so he decided to use the bathroom quickly, no one would ever know. So, he went inside, but instead of a bathroom he only found a room with an amazing, huge golden toilet. He was amazed by it, he quickly did his business and walked out.
As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the huge golden toilet. They laughed in disbelief at this crazy fairytale. They continued their way arguing about it.
After the house party, on the way home, they decided to check the story. They stopped at the house, they all walked up to the front door and ring the door bell.
A woman opened the door.
'Good evening, excuse us, but could you please let me show my friends your huge golden toilet? They do not believe how amazing it is!'
'So you are the guy,' commented the woman and yelled to her husband in the house, 'Honey! Here is the guy who pooped in your tuba!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The local bar was so sure that their bartender was the strongest man around that they organised a competition. The bartender would squeeze an orange until all the juice ran into a cup, and hand the orange to a competitor. Anyone who could squeeze one more orange juice drop out, would win $1000. Many people had tried over time. Even lumberjacks, longshoremen and weightlifters, but nobody could defeat him.
One day a skinny short man came into the bar, wearing black glasses and a grey suit. He said on his tiny, low voice, 'I will try myself.'
After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed an orange and squeezed. Then he handed the remains to the skinny man. The crowd's laughter transformed into total silence. The skinny man tried himself and four orange juice drops fell into the cup. The bartender payed the $1000.
'What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack or what?' he was wondering.
The skinny man replied, 'I work for the IRS.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

There was this happy, bouncing llama that jumped into the bar and asked the bartender, 'Hey, got any grass hay?'
The bartender said, 'No! This is a bar, here we do not sell grass hay.'
The llama bounced out.
He jumped in the next day and asked, 'Hey, got any grass hay?'
The bartender replied, 'No, I tell you again, this is a bar and we don't sell grass hay!'
The llama bounced out.
The happy bouncing llama came the next day again.
'Hey, got any grass hay?'
'No, and if you come back here once more I am gonna hang you to die here!' yelled the angry bartender.
The happy bouncing llama said, 'Ok,' then left.
The next day the llama appeared again, stopped at the door and asked, 'Hey, got any ropes?'
The bartender replied, 'No!'
He bounced in, saying, 'Great! Then, got any grass hay?'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Q: What do Canadian beer and urine samples have in common?
A: The taste.
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The ship of two nitwits sank. They could get into the lifeboat in the last minute. After floating for a week, they ran out of water and food.
Three days later they spotted a small thing floating towards them. It was an old oil lamp. They grabbed the lamp, and to try their luck, they and rubbed it.
A tired old genie came out, who said, 'Okay, so you freed me from this old oil lamp. I have been doing this 3-wishes stuff for centuries, I am burned out. I will grant you only one wish. Think about it and make it a good one.'
The first guy asked without a second of thinking, 'Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!'
'Okay,' replied the genie, and he turned the entire ocean to beer, and disappeared with the old oil lamp.
'Your mouth again, bumpkin,' said the second guy, slapping the first, 'Tell me now, where are we going to pee?'
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Two construction workers went into the pub after working hours. They were drinking their third beer, when an elegant man walked in and ordered a milkshake. The two workers began to speculate about what could be his job.
'I am sure he is a salesman,' said the first.
'I think he is a broker,' argued the second.
The first decided to go and ask directly.
'Excuse me sir, but we are arguing about what can be the job of a man who is so elegant.
The man smiled and replied, 'I am a logical scientist.'
'What again?' asked the worker.
'I will explain,' the man continued, 'do you have a goldfish at home?'
A bit confused, construction worker answered, 'Yes, I do have.'
'Well, then it is logical to assume that you keep it in a bowl or maybe in a pond. Which is it?'
'A pond,' he replied.
'Well then it is logical to assume that you have a large garden.'
The builder nodded.
'This means it is logical to assume that you have a large house.'
'Sure, I built it with my own hands, five bedroom, three baths,' said the worker proudly.
'Well, then it is logical to assume that you are married.'
The builder nodded again, 'Yes, and we have four children.'
'Then it is logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life.'
'Four nights and two mornings a week!' he boasted.
'Therefore it is logical to assume you do not masturbate often.'
'Never, I can tell.'
'Do you see? That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I have discovered the size of your garden, house, family and even your sex life!'
The construction worker thanked, left, he was very impressed by this man's talents.
The other asked, 'Could you find out what he does?'
'Yes! He is a logical scientist.'
'What, again?'
'Let me explain,' started the first worker, 'do you have a goldfish at home?'
'No, I don't have,' replied the second.
'Well, you're a wanker then!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A man stopped at his favorite hidden downtown bar after a hard week's work to relax a bit. He noticed that the man next to him looked into the inner pocket of his jacket after drinking his beer and a shot. He found strange that this happened at least five times in a row.
The man was too curious, so he couldn't resist and asked, 'Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, please tell me, why on earth do you look into your inner pocket every time after you drink your beer and shot?'
The man replied, 'You know, there's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking good, I stand up and go home!'
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Two road constructors were sitting in a bar after work. They watched the news on the TV, which showed a guy on a high office building who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
'I bet bet you $30 he will jump,' said the first worker.
'I bet you $30 he will not, he cannot be dumb as a rock,' said the second.
Then, the guy on the TV threw himself off the building. The second guy handed over the $30.
'I just can't take your money,' said the first worker. 'I cheated, this same story was on the six o'clock news.'
'No, just take it,' said the second. 'I also saw the six o'clock news. I just didn't think the guy was dumb to jump again!'
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A brain walks into a bar and says, 'I'll take a pint of beer.'
The bartender looks at him for a second and responds, 'Sorry, I can't serve you.'
'But, why not?' asks the brain.
To which the bartender replies, 'You're already out of your head.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

There was an international conference of beer producers in LA. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of the companies decided to have a drink in the bar of the hotel. The president of Miller ordered a Miller Genuine Draft, the Budweiser president ordered a dark Budweiser, the president of Heineken ordered a 0,33l Heineken, and so on. Then the waiter asked Arthur Guinness what he had wanted to drink.
'I will have a coke,' he replied for everyone's surprise.
'Why didn't you want a Guinness?' asked the other beer producers.
'Meh, if you didn't order beer, than neither will I.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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