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Bar Jokes

One snowy evening before Christmas in an elegant pub a reindeer showed up. He walked to the counter and ordered a whiskey.
The bartender poured the drink without batting an eye. The reindeer payed him with a the twenty-dollar bill.
As the bartender gave the reindeer some coins in change, he said casually, 'You know, I think you are the first reindeer I have ever seen in this pub.'
The reindeer looked hard at the change and replied, 'Hmmm... You know buddy, at these prices, I am the last reindeer you will see in this pub.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Q: What is the difference between a wife and a tequila?
A: You can have more than one tequila without feeling guilty.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Three vampires walked into a bar.
The waitress came to their table and asked, 'What can I bring to you?'
The first vampire replied, 'I would like a glass of blood.'
The second vampire replied, 'The same, I would like a glass of blood.'
'I would like some plasma,' added the third one.
The waitress looked up and said, 'Let me see if I have your order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Q: What is the world's shortest blues song?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Two construction workers went into the pub after working hours. They were drinking their third beer, when an elegant man walked in and ordered a milkshake. The two workers began to speculate about what could be his job.
'I am sure he is a salesman,' said the first.
'I think he is a broker,' argued the second.
The first decided to go and ask directly.
'Excuse me sir, but we are arguing about what can be the job of a man who is so elegant.
The man smiled and replied, 'I am a logical scientist.'
'What again?' asked the worker.
'I will explain,' the man continued, 'do you have a goldfish at home?'
A bit confused, construction worker answered, 'Yes, I do have.'
'Well, then it is logical to assume that you keep it in a bowl or maybe in a pond. Which is it?'
'A pond,' he replied.
'Well then it is logical to assume that you have a large garden.'
The builder nodded.
'This means it is logical to assume that you have a large house.'
'Sure, I built it with my own hands, five bedroom, three baths,' said the worker proudly.
'Well, then it is logical to assume that you are married.'
The builder nodded again, 'Yes, and we have four children.'
'Then it is logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life.'
'Four nights and two mornings a week!' he boasted.
'Therefore it is logical to assume you do not masturbate often.'
'Never, I can tell.'
'Do you see? That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I have discovered the size of your garden, house, family and even your sex life!'
The construction worker thanked, left, he was very impressed by this man's talents.
The other asked, 'Could you find out what he does?'
'Yes! He is a logical scientist.'
'What, again?'
'Let me explain,' started the first worker, 'do you have a goldfish at home?'
'No, I don't have,' replied the second.
'Well, you're a wanker then!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A guy goes into a bar, sits down, and orders a Jager bomb train of seven shots. The barmaid finds it awkward, but anyway, serves him spectacularly.
The guy drinks, all of them. He finishes and calls to the barmaid, 'A jager bomb train of six, please!'
The barmaid serves him spectacularly again. The guy drinks again, all of them. Then he burps loudly, try to stay stable on the stool, and orders a jager bomb train of five. And one after the other, he drinks again, bearing the odd looks at him.
'Uhm, four shotsss, my dear lady!' he yells, and the barmaid places four glasses in front of him. He drinks again, all of them. And with dizziness in his head, he orders a Jager bomb train of three. After he just sits there, staring at the glasses for a moment, trying not to fall down from the stool, he murmurs, 'You know, it'sh a tricky thing, but, the less I drink, the drunker I get...'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

One late night, the policeman was in service next to a crowded bar. He waited to catch some drunk drivers. After closing time, he saw his man. He could not walk straight, mumbled something, dropped his keys and hardly could collect them from the ground. Then he tried his keys on four different cars before he found his. Then he sat into the car, but could not start the engine. All the other people drove off by the time he finally managed and began to pull away.
The policeman proudly stopped the drunk driver, asked for his documents and took the breathalyzer test. However, the results was 0.0.
'What is this result? It must be fake!' the confused policeman yelled at the drunk driver.
'Well, officer, I'm the designated decoy tonight.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A hippie walked into a grill bar and ordered a cheeseburger.
'But make sure to make it not too rare, not too well done, but just in the groove,' he added.
The waiter was a little annoyed at this, but served him the cheeseburger.
'Waiter! Could I get a cup of latte? Not too milky, not too strong, but just in the groove.'
The waiter was upset, but served the hippie.
'Waiter! Could I get some ice cream? Not too vanilla, not too chocolate, but just in the groove.'
'Wait, I have another idea,' said the waiter. 'How about you kiss my bottom? Not too much to the left, not too much to the right, but just in the groove?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A pirate walked into a pub where the bartender greeted him, 'Hello, I haven't seen you for ages. What happened, you look terrible!'
'Terrible? Why? I'm fine.'
'Fine? What about that wooden leg?'
'Oh, we fought in a sea battle and a cannon ball hit my leg. The doctor fixed me up, and I'm fine, really.'
'Oh I see. But what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
Oh, we fought in a sea battle again, I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off. The doctor fixed me up, and I 'm fine now, really.'
'Okay, but what about that eye patch?'
'Oh, one day some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one crazy seagull crapped in my eye.'
'No way, you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap.'
'Honestly, I wasn't used to the hook yet.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

There was this happy, bouncing llama that jumped into the bar and asked the bartender, 'Hey, got any grass hay?'
The bartender said, 'No! This is a bar, here we do not sell grass hay.'
The llama bounced out.
He jumped in the next day and asked, 'Hey, got any grass hay?'
The bartender replied, 'No, I tell you again, this is a bar and we don't sell grass hay!'
The llama bounced out.
The happy bouncing llama came the next day again.
'Hey, got any grass hay?'
'No, and if you come back here once more I am gonna hang you to die here!' yelled the angry bartender.
The happy bouncing llama said, 'Ok,' then left.
The next day the llama appeared again, stopped at the door and asked, 'Hey, got any ropes?'
The bartender replied, 'No!'
He bounced in, saying, 'Great! Then, got any grass hay?'
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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