'Time to admit. Did you kill the witness?' asked the prosecutor.
'No, I did not kill the witness,' replied the defendant.
'Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?'
'Yes, I do know, and they are a lot better than the penalty for murder.'

Q: How do you know when a man is provisioning for the future?
A: He buys not one but two cases of beer.

By the time you can make ends meet, they have moved the ends.
By the time you find the right answers, no one is asking you the questions.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
By working conscientiously 8 hours a day, you may end up working 12 hours a day.
Capitalism is based on the belief that you can win.
Clearly given instructions will definitely produce multiple interpretations.
Yes, commit suicide. That many lemmings cannot be wrong.
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you that you have too much money.

The husband's credit card was stolen. He did not reported it. Apparently, the thief was spending less than his wife.

A Swiss guy visited Canberra, Australia. He was at a bus stop where two Aussie cops are waiting. 'Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?' he asks.
The two Aussie cops stared at him in silence.
'Excusez-moi, parlez-vous francais?' he tried.
The two continued to stare.
'Scusa, parlo italiano?'
Nothing.
'Hablan ustedes Espanol?'
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy went away, extremely disappointed. The first Aussie cop turned to the second and said, 'Y'know, we should learn a foreign language.'
'Why?' asked the other. 'That guy spoke four languages, and it didn't do him any good.'

Guess what, nothing is ever achieved by a reasonable man!
Guess what, nothing is impossible for the manager who doesn't have to do it himself!
Guess what, we all are working in the Office Of Precision Guesswork!

What happens if you drink too much coffee?

1. You sleep with your eyes open
2. You lick your coffee mug clean
3. The handle of your favorite coffee pot becomes worn out
4. Your eyes stay open even when you sneeze
5. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to measure your pulse
6. You get a speeding ticket even when you are parked
7. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
8. You watch videos in fast-forward
9. You can type fifty words a minute with your left feet
10. Instant coffee takes too long
11. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position
12. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee

Q: What is ugly and evil and bounces?
A: A witch on a trampoline.

A woman got on a bus holding her baby. The bus driver looked at them and blurted out, 'That is literally the ugliest baby I have ever seen in my life!'
Enraged, the woman dropped her fare into the fare box and took a seat in the back of the bus. The man seated next to her felt that something was wrong, so he tried to be polite.
'Did something bad happened?' he asked.
'Yes. The bus driver insulted me,' she replied sadly.
'He shouldn't insult passengers. He could be fired for that.' he said kindly.
'You are right,' she said, 'I will go to him and demand an apology!'
'Yes, good idea. Here, let me hold your monkey!'

A middle-aged woman was driving through a school zone in the suburbs. The policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she asked, 'Why do I always get a ticket? Everyone else only gets a warning. Is it my face...?'
The policeman replied, 'No, it is your foot.'