On Thursday evening two elderly gentlemen were playing robbers' rummy. This was their tradition. The elder had been having problems with his memory. Usually he needed help from his wife, but this time he played without any help. At the end of the game his friend commented, 'You did very good tonight, my friend. You played robbers' rummy very well without any help. How?'
He replied, 'My wife sent me to a memory school. It helped me to improve myself.'
'Memory school?'
The elderly gentleman thought for a moment, 'Hmm, what is that flower with red petals and thorns?'
'You mean a rose?'
'Yes, yes! Hey, Rose! What is the name of that memory school?'

A wealthy lawyer spent four weeks every year in his luxury treehouse in the hills. Every summer, he invited one of his friends to stay with him for a couple of days. One summer he invited a Czech friend to visit him. They spent a wonderful time there, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.
One morning, as they were picking some berries for their breakfast under the house, two huge bears, a male and a female, approached them. The lawyer had time to run for cover, but his friend wasn't so lucky. The male bear swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Jeep and raced to the town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and they raced back with the lawyer. Luckily, the bears were still under the luxury tree house.
'He is in that one!' yelled the lawyer, pointing at the male.
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his shotgun, took careful aim, and shot the female bear.
'Why did you do that?!' exclaimed the lawyer, 'I said he was in the other bear!'
'Indeed. Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?'

Hotel: "Help us! We need inn-experienced people."
Chiropodist: "Time wounds all heels."
Butcher: "Let me meat your expectations."
Car seller: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."
Cannibal's home: "I never met a man I didn't like."
Suburban fence: "Salesmen welcome, dog food is pricey."
Car service station: "No appointment necessary. We will hear you coming."
Car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet is missing a car payment."

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Four!
Four who?
Four he is a jolly good fellow!

A young and caring waitress saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at the roadside diner. She noticed that they ordered only one meal, and an extra paper cup. The elderly man carefully divided the roadside diner daily menu. Cut the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, dividing them exactly in half. After he poured half of the cola into the extra cup and gave it to his wife. The elderly man began to eat, and his wife watched him silently in the roadside diner. The young waitress decided to ask if they would allow her to buy another roadside diner daily menu, so they didn't have to split theirs.
The elderly man answered, "Oh, no, but thank you. We've been married for 35 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared between us fifty-fifty."
The waitress than asked the wife if she was going to eat, but she said, "Not yet, honey. It's his turn using the teeth."

Q: What did the elephant ask from the naked man?
A: How on earth do you breath with that thing?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spillane!
Spillane who?
Spillane that knock knock joke, would ya?

The monastery was built high upon a cliff. The only access to reach it was by way of riding in a big bicker basket which was pulled up by several monks to the top. The ride over the rocky, sharp-edged terrain was steep, and in a big wicker basket was terrifying indeed. One brave visitor wanted go up. Roughly halfway he frightened and turned pale seeing that the rope by which they was being pulled was rather frayed and splitting. He frantically asked the monk who was seated next to him in the basket how often they changed the rope.
Thinking for a moment, the monk replied, 'Whenever it breaks.'

Q: Why is Russia a very fast country?
A: Because there the people are always Russian.

Q: What will you get when you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
A: Jurassic pork.