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Our editors who have great sense of humor are collecting the best jokes since August of 1862, so for now we have more than 1458343 jokes on our webpage! (Yes, onemillion-fourhundred-fifty-eight-thousand-three hundred-forty-three!)
The jokes are here right now. Have a great laugh!
(Last joke update: 2020. July 4.)
In the grocery store a man was pushing a cart with a screaming, crying baby. He kept repeating softly, 'Don't yell Tommy. Keep calm, Tommy. Don't get excited, Tommy.'
A woman standing next to him said emotionally, 'It is really amazing how calm you are trying to pacify your crying baby, Tommy.'
The man looked at her and said, 'My son's name is Richie, I am Tommy.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

'Is there any reason you could not serve as a juryman in this case?'
'I do not want to be away from my job that long.'
'Can they operate without your work?'
'Yes, but I do not want them to know it.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Honest cover letter can be your thing. It is not so bad being honest, after all. Don't be afraid to include these into your motivation letter:

1. It is the best for employers that I do not work with people.
2. Let's meet in person, so you can say "Oooh" and "Aaah" over my experience.
3. Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details ever.
4. Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments!
5. I procrastinate. Especially when the job is unpleasant.
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

Please read carefully the weather forecast for Thanksgiving:
Turkeys will thaw before noon, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 180F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid. In case you distract the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cool front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one or two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side and cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area. Increased stuffiness is predicted around the beltway. In the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 30F in the fridge.
Looking ahead to next days, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50% chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops.
Thank you for reading the weather forecast for Thanksgiving!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man went to buy jogging shoes. To his surprise, there was a huge variety of them. While trying on a basic pair, he noticed a small but confusing feature, a pocket on the shoe. He and asked the clerk about it.
'Why is there a little pocket on the shoe, here on the side?'
'Oh, that's for spare change. When you jogged too far, you can call your wife to pick you up.'
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A lawyer is someone who writes a 5,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
An accountant is somebody who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
A statistician is a fellow who has good command of numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
Teachers are disillusioned people who used to think they liked children.
Professors are those who talks in someone else's sleep.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and kills all the wounded.
A engineer solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A banker is the one who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, only to ask it back the minute it begins to rain.
An actuary is somebody who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

A man was waiting at the hospital. His wife was inside the medical room, having their first child. After a while the obstetrician came out to talk to the nervous father.
'Hey, your baby is here. It's a girl. And guess what? She can fly!'
The obstetrician lifted up and then let go of the baby and it hit the floor. The father was out of his mind.
'Hey, do not worry, I am an experienced obstetrician. I know what I am doing. Listen, your baby really can fly. Watch it!'
Again, the doctor lifted up the baby, and this time threw it across the room. The baby hit the wall. The father was just about ready to kill the so called experienced obstetrician.
'Hey, hey, don't worry! Your baby was stillborn, I'm just joking with you.'
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(So far it's 3.67 point, based on 3 ratings)

Q: Have you heard about the farmer who crashed with a car in his tractor?
A: Yes, he plowed right into it.

Q: Have you heard about the cross-eyed teacher?
A: Yes, she couldn't keep her pupils under control.

Q: What is a Foul Ball?
A: A dance for chickens.

Q: Why couldn't Mozart find his piano teacher?
A: Because he was Hayden.

Q: What does the fish ask from the other fish in the tank?
A: Can you drive this thing?

Q: Have you heard about the two baby inkdrops? They missed their mother.
A: Yes, they were waiting for her to get out of the pen. They didn't know how long the sentence would be.

Q: What does the Buddhist say to a hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
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(So far it's 3.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A tycoon decided to launch a space shuttle with an astronaut and two monkeys. They trained them for the six months. When they thought they were ready for the space shuttle launch, they buckled them into the seats.
The mission control center contacted the first monkey, 'This is mission control center to Monkey One. Start!'
The first monkey started typing, the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.
Three hours later the mission control center contacted the second monkey, 'This is mission control center to Monkey Two. Start!'
The second monkey started typing and the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.
Another hour passed and the mission control announced, 'This is mission control center to the astronaut...'
The astronaut responded, 'I know. Feed the monkeys and do not touch anything.'
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(So far it's 4.2 point, based on 5 ratings)

A guy wanted to build a career in writing. He wanted to be a great writer, whose stuff will be read by the whole world, and people will react to on a truly emotional level. He wanted a career in writing to make people wail, cry, scream, feel burning anger, howl in pain and desperation.
So now he is working for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

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