On the last Mayday parade in the Soviet Union, there was a big march. After the troops, tanks, the planes and the missiles rolled by, there came a couple of men dressed in black.
'Are they spies?' asked Ivan.
'No, they are economists,' replied the KGB director, 'imagine the chaos they will wreak when we set them loose in the U.S.'

A man visited a hunter. He also was given a tour of the hunter's home. In the cottage was a stuffed tiger.
'When did you shoot that tiger?' asked the visitor.
'That was two years ago, when I went hunting with my wife,' replied the hunter.
'It is nice. What's it stuffed with?' asked the visitor.
'My wife.'

We know that Columbus believed the world was round while others believed it was flat. Christopher Columbus never knew he was right.
We know that he reached an undiscovered continent we know as America now. Christopher Columbus never knew he was the first explorer.
Recently documents revealed what Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage. The first words were: "I will bet I am the first man who ever got nineteen hundred miles on a galleon."

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and the other to check for animal ingredients.

Three girls are in the park bragging about their fathers. The first girl says, 'My Daddy is making money with writing. He puts a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a free verse and they give him $100.'
The next girl says, 'My Daddy is making money with writing, but he writes a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it lyrics and they give him $150.'
The third girls says, 'That is nothing. My Daddy making money with writing, and he scribbles a few words on a piece of paper. And he calls it a sermon. And it takes six people to collect all the money!'

In a narrow alley two truck drivers were driving, and they met facing each other. They were equally stubborn, and neither of them wanted to shunt. They angrily looked at each other for long minutes. Finally, one of them picked up a newspaper and started reading.
The other truck driver politely asked, 'When you've finished the newspaper, would you please pass me?'

Three old ladies were talking in the hall of a retirement home. The first lady said, 'You know, I have serious memory problems. Today I was standing at the bottom of the stairs and I could not remember if I was just about to go up or if I had just come down.'
'Oh, that is literally nothing!' said the second lady. 'I have more serious memory problems. Yesterday I was sitting on the edge of my bed, wondering if I was going to sleep or if I had just gotten up.'
The third lady smiled at the other two and started, 'Well, my memory is just as good as ever, no problems, knock on wood.' She knocked on the table three times with her finger. Then she looked around and asked, 'Who's there?'

Mary Anne the blonde needed some extra money. She decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for jobs as a handywoman. She knocked on the door of a nice big house. A man answered the door and told Mary Anne, 'I have a job for you. My porch need to be painted.'
'That sounds great, I can paint the whole porch.' replied Mary Anne.
'Okay, how much will it cost?' asked the man.
'Is forty dollars OK for you?' Mary Anne asked.
'Sure, it's a deal. The paint and the ladder are in the garage, you can take them.'
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
'Forty dollars! Does she know how big our porch is?' asked the wife.
'Well she was standing right on it!' her husband said.
About 20 minutes later, Mary Anne knocked on the door. 'It is done,' she told.
'Could you paint the whole porch?' asked the surprised man.
'Yes,' Mary Anne replied, 'I even had some paint left, so I put on two layers! And by the way,' said Mary Anne, 'that is not a Porch, that is a Lamborghini.'

A grandson ran up to his grandfather.
'Can you talk like a frog?' he asked with big open eyes.
'Of course not, kiddo,' replied the grandfather.
A few minutes later, his granddaughter ran up to him.
'Can you talk like a frog?' she asked with the same big eyes.
'No, of course not. Why are you both asking me this frog thing?'
The grandson replied, 'Dad promised that we can go to Disneyland when you croak!'

Q: What is the difference between a bucket of dirt and a lawyer?
A: The bucket.

Q: You are in a room with a lawyer, Saddam Hussein and Adolf Hitler. You have a gun with two bullets. Who do you shoot?
A: The lawyer, twice. Just to make sure he is dead.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God does not think he's a lawyer.

Q: Why did the post office stopped issuing lawyer stamps?
A: People did not know which side to spit on.

Q: Do you know where I can find a good lawyer?
A: Sure, in the cemetery.