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Our editors who have great sense of humor are collecting the best jokes since August of 1862, so for now we have more than 1458343 jokes on our webpage! (Yes, onemillion-fourhundred-fifty-eight-thousand-three hundred-forty-three!)
The jokes are here right now. Have a great laugh!
(Last joke update: 2022. January 24.)
Before bedtime an old lady went into her living room to find a burglar, who put into his pocket every valuable thing what he could see. Not having any kind of weapon, she raised her hand and said loudly, 'Acts 2:38', and continued quoting scripture.
The burglar froze and didn't move more. The old lady called 911 and the police hurried to the house. The burglar was still frozen where he stood.
'What did you say to this burglar?' the police asked.
'I simply said "Acts 2:38" and starting quoting scripture,' she answered.
The police chuckled and put the burglar into the police car.
'Why did you remain frozen, why did the lady's quoting scripture scare you so much?' they asked.
'Scripture?' asked the burglar, 'God, I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

When are you drunk as a skunk?

1. Royal Vodka stock is up since Saturday, thanks to you.
2. You spent your Monday in jail for cow-tipping.
3. For the money, which is missing from your account, you could have easily bought a car.
4. Your friends stood at a safe distance when you blew out your birthday candles, and they even had fire extinguishers.
5. The security asks for your I. D. card just to see how long it takes you to find it in your pockets.
6. Dry cleaner employees greet you, 'Hey, it's VomitMan!'
7. You are sober enough now to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan. Not a personal challenge.
8. Your friends call you on Monday morning to make sure you returned the sheep.
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(So far it's 4.5 point, based on 2 ratings)

A mother was reading Bible stories to her young daughter.
She read, 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city. However, his wife looked back and was turned into salt.'
Her daughter asked curiously, 'What happened to the flea?'
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(So far it's 4.33 point, based on 3 ratings)

An Arab diplomat was visiting the U.S.A. for the first time. He was wined and dined by the State Department.
The Grand Emir was unused to the salty American foods, and from time to time he sent his manservant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water.
But after several rounds, Abdul came back empty-handed.
'Abdul, you sandy son of a bald camel, where is my glass of water?' demanded the Grand Emir.
Abdul said thousand pardons, felt miserable, and stammered, 'White man sit on well.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Two policemen were walking down the street.
The first said, 'Hey! Look at that big dog with one eye!'
The second replied, 'Okay!' and with his hand he covered one of his eyes.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Three stressed out entrepreneur are talking in the medical waiting room.
The first says, 'I have got real problems. I am only fifty years old, but every morning I get up at 6:00 and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They gave me all kinds of medicine but nothing helped.'
The second says, 'Man, I have bigger problems. I am fifty-five years old. Every morning I get up 6:00 and try to move my bowels. All day long I try. They gave me all kinds of stuff but nothing helped.'
The third stressed out entrepreneur says, 'I don't really think you know what a problem is! I am only sixty years old. Every morning at 6:00 I urinate and I move my bowels. But I only wake up at 7:00.'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

The ship of two nitwits sank. They could get into the lifeboat in the last minute. After floating for a week, they ran out of water and food.
Three days later they spotted a small thing floating towards them. It was an old oil lamp. They grabbed the lamp, and to try their luck, they and rubbed it.
A tired old genie came out, who said, 'Okay, so you freed me from this old oil lamp. I have been doing this 3-wishes stuff for centuries, I am burned out. I will grant you only one wish. Think about it and make it a good one.'
The first guy asked without a second of thinking, 'Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!'
'Okay,' replied the genie, and he turned the entire ocean to beer, and disappeared with the old oil lamp.
'Your mouth again, bumpkin,' said the second guy, slapping the first, 'Tell me now, where are we going to pee?'
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Q: Why did the one-handed woman cross the road?
A: To enter the second hand shop.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
The little boy who couldn't reach the doorbell!
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 1 ratings)

The policeman needs a vacation, when...
...every Friday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
...he wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
...he wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
...the witnesses beg him to stop talking about his relationship problems.
...he talks to himself; half of him is the "bad cop", the other half is the "good cop".
...he keeps asking you if his new bulletproof vest makes him look fat.
...he keeps asking total strangers for donut recipes.
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(So far it's 5 point, based on 2 ratings)

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