Q: What do you do when a man steals your wife?
A: Well, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Q: What's new?
A: Most of my wife.

Why bother with marriage? It is so simple. Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.

Jimmy and Joanna got married. On their honeymoon car trip they were driving to Seattle, when Jimmy put his hand on Joanna's knee. Joanna giggled and said, 'Jimmy, you can go a little farther if you want to!'
So Jimmy drove to Vancouver.

Q: What do fish smoke?
A: Seaweed.

A judge awarded a divorce to the wife. He told the husband, 'I have decided to provide your wife with $650 a month for support.'
The husband replied, 'You are a very generous judge! Once in a while I will try to scatter a few dollars myself.'

Nina called the doctor in a panic.
'Doctor, doctor! My little Sammy swallowed a full box of aspirin, twenty pills! What should I do now?'
'Are you sure that there was twenty pills?'
The furious mother panicked, 'Absolutely! Doctor, I'm scared to death! What can I do now?'
'Calm down, Nina. Tell me, is little Sammy crying?'
'No.'
'Is he pale?'
'No.'
'Is he sleeping now?'
'No.'
'Okay, that's all good. Did Sammy throw up?'
'No. But I'm so worried. I'm scared to death! All that medicine in his body... Shouldn't I do something?'
The doctor answered, 'Try giving him a headache.'

The manager of a superstore checked on his new employee's sales skills.
'How many customers did you help today?' he asked.
'Only one,' replied the new salesman.
'Only one?' repeated the manager. 'I honestly thought you have the required sales skills. Tell me, how much was your sale?'
'$70,628,' he replied.
The manager was stunned and wanted an explanation.
'I sold a man a fishhook,' the salesman started. 'Then I sold him a reel and a rod. After that I asked where he was planning to fish. He said at the big lake nearby. So I suggested he'd need a boat, so he bought that modern wooden one. But after he said his car is to small to pull it, so I took him to the other department and sold him a bigger one, a SUV.'
The manager was amazed by the new employee's sales skills.
'You sold all that stuff to a guy who came in for a fishhook?'
'No,' the new salesman said, 'he actually came in for a box of aspirin for his wife's headache. But I told him: "Hey, this is your weekend's shot. You should go fishing!"

There is a dark side of aging. Keep reading.

- Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

- A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

- Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

- You are getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he is too old to go anywhere.

- You know you are getting old when the girls at your workplace start confiding in you.

- You are getting old when you are sitting in a rocking chair and you can't get it started.

- You are getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling - but you didn't do anything the night before.

- When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

- There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

- It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot summer's day?
A: Mice cream cone.

The U. S. Government decided to collect data on what people say right before they get into a car accident.
89% of the people in 49 states said: "Oh, shit!"
In Texas 94% said: "Hold my beer. Watch this."

A conductor was having serious problems with the one female drummer in his band. He talked and talked and talked to her, but the female drummer's performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole band, he said in anger, 'When a musician just cannot handle the instrument and doesn't improve when help given, the instrument is taken and two sticks are given - to be drummer.'
A whisper was heard from the percussion section, 'And if the one cannot handle even that, they take away one of the sticks and make him a conductor.'